To find natural/attachment parents extremely judgementaland intolerant of other parenting choices?

[firtreepants]

I used to consider myself an attachment parent i.e i breastfed my now 4yo until he was 3.5, i cosleep and babywore. Over the past four years i have joined a few AP groups on facebook and the majority of my friends are AP. I am however, getting increasingly frustrated with the amount of judging that goes on in these groups and in my circle of friends. Judgement of formula feeding, of putting baby in own room to sleep, of using buggies, of controlled crying, of using purees rather than doing baby led weaning. The list goes on. As a result i am now gravitating to my more mainstream friends who, quite frankly, are much more pleasant and just nicer to be around. We are all on our own parenting journey aren't we. Who am i to say that you are doing it wrong? Anyone else found this? Aibu?

I hate the name Attachment Parent. Like other parents don't have as close a bond with their children.
It fucks me right off.
I agree with Tondelayo, broadly, in that the whole thing does seem to some with a lot of stuff now, that marks people out as AP. The bunch I know all seem to have the same stuff, down to the snacks they feed their kids.
I do find a lot of it pretty woolly tbh, like the whole thing about always putting the baby first, and never "pushing" them to the next stage.
If you are a single mum with a job, you do sometimes need to put yourself first and get some sleep. And you know that 3 and a half year old in nappies? He is NEVER going to decide he wants to use the toilet. Sometimes "pushing" can also be described as "teaching".
It is interesting that all the AP types I know have enough money, all have husbands with flexible working/university jobs where they get a lot of leave. I went to look at a Steiner nursery once that was recommended to me by an AP friend. It was all "lets draw in the mud with sticks and eat beans and pulses"
I was broke at the time, and kind of hoping ds would get to play with some brightly coloured expensive toys and get some cottage pie for lunch!
They also had insanely haphazard hours, and when I asked one of the nursery workers about this, she told me that most of the parents had at least one SAHP, or homeworker. She also told me she was looking for a new job, as, being a lone parent herself, she needed a job with more conventional hours!
Most parents bond with their children. They cuddle them, love them, often end up sleeping in the bed with them, encourage them to feed themselves. These things tend to be instinctual, and are exteremely common. Just because you mash up some food to feed your baby, or use a playpen when you need to go to the loo, doesn't mean that you are some kind of cold, regimented disciplinarian.

I hate the name Attachment Parent. Like other parents don't have as close a bond with their children.
Yeah, it's not great. Though at least in its original incarnation it was about the baby staying attached to the parent more of the time i.e. slinging and cosleeping.

Baby Led Weaning is an awful name too, makes out that puree weaners aren't following their baby's cues when they perfectly well could be. I'm voting to rename it "Not Feeding The Baby", then maybe less people would want to jump on the bandwagon and say they're doing it when actually what they're doing is puree weaning and introducing finger foods. Much less confusing

And Unconditional Parenting - particularly when they start labelling the rest of us as Conditional Parents. Er, no.

Don'tlooknow I think your post honestly sums up the the kind of arrogant judgemental nastiness people are talking about.

The smugness literally radiates off your post and you seem to take pleasure in the thought that your actions highlight the inadequacy of other people's parenting.

You say you're not self confident but your post is supremely arrogant. You talk about doing what was 'right' for you and your baby. But you seem to think that other people doing something different for themselves and their babies which is right for them is inferior to you.

Your idea that you were showing people that their style of parenting 'wasn't good enough for our babies' speaks volumes more about why your friendships failed than any bleating about 'insecurities'.

Yes you are intolerant. Thanks though 'I'm not intolerant of others, I'm just right and they're wrong' is now my new favourite phrase.

Don'tlooknow I think your post honestly sums up the the kind of arrogant judgemental nastiness people are talking about
What a load of rubbish. If I choose to do parenting one way, and you choose another, fine. I'm not going to look for you to try to make you feel bad. But my way is 'right' for me. Its not 'one of many right ways' for me, its the right way. Perhaps you could try to live with that, without imagining you can or should change my point of view.

Both my babies hated slings of any type so it was either the buggy or a plastic carrier bag

I don't care what other people are doing. Feed, clothe and love your kids. Why does motherhood have to be such a battleground?

I have absolutely no objection to you doing what is right for you. I'm perfectly happy for you to parent in any way you wish and have no desire to change your mind or judge your parenting. As long as a child is well fed, loved and safe I couldn't give a shiny shit how other people choose to parent. I am always happy for another parent who has managed to find a way of parenting which works for them and their child to make them happy.

What I do have an objection to is your assertion that other people's parenting is 'not good enough', your superiority, your intolerance. Basically your view that your way of parenting is inately 'better' than other peoples. It's not. It's simply what works for you. It doesn't make you morally superior or a better parent. Just a certain type of parent.

I agree OP.
After raising 3 dc through the baby years, I have no idea what type of parent I am.
I tried what I thought was right and if that didn't work, would try something else.
Then I work use my preferred method.
I soon realised that it really wasn't that important, otherwise there would be loads of adults walking around disadvantaged because their mother raised them differently than another.
As long as you are doing what suits you and baby, sod everybody else, unless of course you want their advice.
I used to listen and then do it my way or the way recommended if I thought it better.

I reckon Attachment Parenting was invented by someone with a baby like mine. She will not be put down to sleep, doesn't like the pushchair and generally is very 'high needs' in her behaviour. I often feel like I am a lazy parent as by bf her on demand and co-sleeping I avoid the effort that would be involved in getting her on to a schedule of some kind and getting her to sleep in her own cot. Also baby led weaning is way easier than purees. I like the sound of attachment parenting better than lazy parenting though so will stick with that. Not sure I will still be able to call myself an attachment parent though when I go back to work full-time!

Is there a parenting group called "make it all up as you go along" - because that's what I do!!

Do men judge each other's parenting like this? My DH wouldn't have the faintest idea what attachment parenting means, but he was quite happy to walk around with a baby in a sling (unlike me!). He did draw the line at BF though

I know someone who talked about "intensive parenting". as opposed to non intensive. isn't all parenting intensive....I let my jaw swing for a bit and ignored.
she thought she invented all the AP stuff, till I showed her pics of me and my now 21 year old slinging together using an old blanket when she was small and a sarong when she was older.
she soon turned the volume down.

What Surzy said was spot on. My experience of an avid APer was that she was really friendly and making lots of effort with me whilst I was BFing (I think she saw me as a disciple she could evangelise) as soon as I stopped she dropped me and I never heard from her again. Literally not a thing.

I suspect it was a personality thing more than AP though. She was a wee too intense for my liking.

I am a cosleeper and extended BF four year old) never would entertain controlled crying etc but left all the AP groups too many anti vax and homeopathy nut jobs dragging AP down!

That wasn't how I read Don'tLookNow's post - she does specifically say that she was never saying or thinking that other parents' methods weren't good enough for her or her baby.

I do see your point, Don'tLookNow, that some people will always feel that by following another path, you are deliberating belittling/judging as inferior their choices, and of course in a way you are (even if only by default), although that may not necessarily be how you want to make them feel.

For example, I co-slept for a while when my baby was younger. If I meet a mother who tells me that she doesn't co-sleep with her baby, I might reasonably infer that she has judged co-sleeping to be an inferior option for her baby's sleep. Otherwise she'd be doing it, surely?!

That's right, Laquila.

Anyone who thinks all AP parents are anything is a judgemental tosser.

These threads are always fucking irony free zones. 'Ooooooh I hate people like that, they're so judgemental' Well so are you you total dick.

Anyone who thinks all AP parents are anything is a judgemental tosser.

These threads are always fucking irony free zones. 'Ooooooh I hate people like that, they're so judgemental' Well so are you you total dick.

Sanctimommy can get a bit "wtf?" Sad, considering it's supposed to be satirical and fun.

I breastfeed and use cloth nappies because I want to. I used a sling when it was convenient, and the buggy because it's useful. Cosleeping was easy in the beginning for night feeds. Then it was a hassle, so I stopped.

I mashed food when DD didn't have teeth yet.

I am vaccinating my daughter because I know it's the right thing to do.

That's what's natural to me.

Ideally everyone does their best and minds their own business about what other people do (neglect/abuse excepted obviously)

Hopefully when their kids get a bit older they can take things a little less seriously and realise that a lot of these things are really not the be all and end all.

Gosh, seems I did quite a bit of attachment parenting 30 years ago. Who knew that's what I was doing? Certainly not me. As far as I was concerned I was nurturing my small children in a way that felt best for them and me. What other women did or didn't do wasn't any of my business and I didn't care if they bf or ff or whatever else they did. I wouldn't have judged them for their choices one way or the other.

Why do some people feel the need to validate their choices by giving them silly labels?