This is going to be a long one I'm afraid and I apologise in advance for that and if I've posted in the wrong place :)
Me and my partner have some pretty huge differences. A number of disagreements are on parenting (I should also include that I'm stepmum to his 2 daughters - 5 and 7 years old - not their biological mum) and its seriously leaving me questioning whether we're right for each other.
I'm of the opinion that a childs needs should come first, the parents needs 2nd and the child and adult "wants" should be of joint importance depending on what they are. However my partner never ever puts our needs before the kids wants. Example, there was one night he picked a huge argument when I was at work - and I made time for it because it was a make or break situation....yet he just stopped replying and then later told me it was because the eldest had wanted his phone to play games on it. I'm of the opinion he shouldve told her no, not tonight (in fact personally I dont think young kids should be spending that long with a mobile phone due to them not having as thick/dense skulls as ours to protect from possible radiation but they both have had their own mobile since the age of 2, I'm not their biological parent so who am I to argue).
He won't make them do anything they don't want to do. He just allows them to play xbox and watch tv all day. Being quite honest, they have no respect for anything.
I worry about them too because the eldest can't read or write at all (they're "homeschooled"....i use that in quotations as I've never seen any actual useful learning going on unless you count "its the green button" talking about xbox controllers). I feel this is a huge mistake because younger kids tend to learn faster and have a better grasp than kids that start later in life.
The youngest still hadnt had a present I bought her just after christmas because she refused to say thank you. 3 weeks ago I told him I'd give her another month and if she still hadn't said it, I would give it to my cousins daughter so at least someone would get use out of it. 2 weeks ago he gave it to her while I was at work because she asked for it. I was livid. First because we had both agreed she wasn't getting it until she said thank you but also because it wasnt a joint present, it was from me alone and therefore, imo he had no right to make a decision about it without consulting me (I have the kind of job they dont mind friends/family calling providing i still do my job). But this happens quite often with my things. I get treats for us all, him and the girls eat theirs within a day, where I space mine out - or try to.....only once he's ate his own, he eats mine and when I go to get one (usually after looking forward to it all day at work), theres none left. I actually have autistic/ocd tendencies - especially with food and manners. There was a incident in Feb where he helped himself to things I'd been given as xmas presents that I'd specifically asked him not to touch, and he admitted he had done it despite knowing how I would feel about it. To me that just means he doesnt respect my wishes. He kept telling me how I was weird and his friends all think he shouldnt have to ask and I eventually said to him after listening to it a dozen times "I really dont care what your friends think because they didnt belong to them, they were mine and if I wanted you to ask, you shouldve asked". Now everyone I know expects their OH to ask if they want something that was bought specifically for them (I'm not the same way about shared food like potatoes, salad etc), so not sure if its perhaps regional differences although we only grew up 30 or so miles away!
He goes on and on about how he's anti-violence, yet he gets quite violent verbally. Last week he even told me I was being a c* then denied it 5 minutes later (he sent it in a voice clip while I was at home so I definitely wasnt mistaken). Regularly tells me I'm not normal, I'm weird, I'm gullible, I'm stupid etc if my views/opinion doesnt match his.
He regularly makes plans without me and then gets mad at me because I cant/dont want to go along with whatever he planned (like before xmas he made plans with the girls, his uncle, aunt, cousin and cousins partner n kids to go through and see them using my car, but didnt ask me. Then got mad that I had agreed to a shift swap to help a colleague out despite having no clue that he'd made these plans. My response was that perhaps he should try making plans as a couple, that way he has a right to be angry if I back out.
I'm wary as I've been in an abusive relationship in the past. And quite a few things he does strikes me as controlling/abusive. His ex is a neurotic mess thats childlike in her dependency sometimes but I've been trying to figure out if shes that way because of him (he says one thing then a week later will say something that completely contradicts the first, also takes what you say and twists it into something completely different too - not just a misunderstanding), if he's that way (used to making decisions without consulting etc) because of her or whether they're both just a happy coincidence.
I'm not someone who would expect someone to change their parenting to suit me. But i'm not someone who wants to start a family knowing there are going to be huge issues with parenting and the helping himself thing is a issue for me too - although now it more of an issue because he feels its okay to disregard my wishes because he doesnt agree with them. I've tried explaining its not just a case of being disappointed for me due to my issues. I'm sure some of you will be able to understand. I hate unexpected change in general. I'm fine if i have time to bring myself round to the idea with most things (time needed depends on whats changing - cant even change furniture around or i cant sleep) but I dont cope well with things suddenly not being how they should be. Its probably made worse by the fact that I usually try to cope with everything on my own. I feel its my issue so I shouldnt put that burden on someone else. Some of my nearest and dearest dont know the half of it and just think I have a few "quirks", but I told my partner and tried to explain because I wanted to make this work.
Sorry for offloading but I find it easier to express myself and open up with written words than spoken. I also want the opinions of some unbiased people (although my post is obviously biased as its came from me, and he will tell you another story....some of it is just a difference in perception and others will be the jekyll n hyde moments like calling me the c word and denying doing it).
If this jekyll/hyde thing was down to a personality disorder, I could fully understand that and would probably try that bit harder. As it stands, I'm not sure whether it is a mental issue or whether its just his personality.
Personally with regards to the girls, I'd like to spend a few hours a day actually learning stuff. Then if they've been good etc, they can be rewarded with tv/games for a set period of time. They can also start helping around the house (nothing too big, more just to learn them the value of money and earning things rather than actually putting them to labour) in exchange for pocket money. We should have "family" time together - outdoors pref - and also a family meeting regualrly so the girls can contribute and air any grievances. But he should have alone time with them too, just the three of them. I want the girls to succeed in life and be happy, but I can't see that happening if things continue as they are. I understand my OH wants to give them everything, but no one else they meet in life is going to do the same. IMO he's just setting them up for a fall.
Again, sorry for the rambling and jumping back and forth between parenting differences/relationship issues but they're all kind of interlinked. I'm hoping someone can share some views or of their own experience of similar circumstances that might offer me some more clarity. As it stands I've just had a constant headache for weeks trying to think things through!