to think it is incredibly rude to let yourself in the back of someone else's house

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

We don't have a good relationship with my in-laws. I don't want to dripfeed so will explain the backstory. MIL is toxic, fil is lovely but guided by mil whispering venom into his ear, which has led to some rows between my dh and them, largely since dd1 was born and they decided they wanted to impose on us more without any thought for when it was convenient to us. They didn't speak to us at all for three months until i brokered a peace deal against my better judgement After that we deliberately tried to keep them at a reasonable distance and agreed to have them stay for the weekend every three months. I know to some of you that will sound awful, but given we only saw them once a year previously and that dh works away all week and only has the weekends when he is often still doing work stuff but at home to spend time with his kids, give me a break and see all the various people that want to visit, which includes my parents, his sister, his grandparents, my grandmother and our friends. So actually that was about as much as we could realistically offer or bear . We did face time etc as well so things were ok.

We kept this up for a year, until they suddenly declared when i was pregnant that they were house hunting in our town! We had been carefully managing expectations and kept our distance to avoid ww3, yet they somehow got the idea it was a good idea for them to move hundreds of miles to live on our doorstep! After much soul searching DH decided it was better to say something to nip this in the bud rather than pretend we were ok with it and let them waste money and leave everything and everyone they knew, including FILs disabled brother, only to be surprised that we weren't suddenly able to spend all our time with them. He had a difficult conversation explaining that we weren't comfortable with it and said that even if they lived next door we would only be able to see them once a month. They were understandably upset by this and DH was certain they would never speak to him again. But no, within a fortnight they had sold their house and offered on a house in Bedraggledville. He didn't say anything else, what more could he say really? So for the next few months we got biweekly emails about the trials and tribulations of their house move, until they finally moved in the week dd2 was born just what we needed!

Anyway, needless to say, they arrived fully expecting to see a lot of the dds us, and with the timing it was impossible to stick to once a month without being really rude. I am now just trying to make the best of a bad situation, although my blood boils when i think about heinous things MIL has said and done in the past or the fact that they have imposed themselves on us against our express wishes. However, my biggest concern, given i am on mat leave, was that they would start popping over uninvited, or generally making themselves at home. They haven't done the former, probably because they badger us for invitations so much and are getting what they want and seeing dd at least once a week. But today i looked up from my lunch to see MIL coming in the back door. We were expecting them this afternoon btw. I asked if DH was round the front and let them round, she said no, the gate was open Now the side gate is not visible from the drive or front door, they must have specifically gone to check if it was open BEFORE going to ring the front doorbell, which is much closer to their car. I assume they probably do this every time, as we started keeping it locked around the time they decided to move, so this is the first time it hasn't been locked since they have been here as DH was doing stuff in the garden. I am so furious. They know that i am breastfeeding and usually pump while eating my lunch, so they could easily have walked in on me with my boobs out. But that's not the point, i should not have to worry about people walking in on me in the comfort of my own home. If someone is already here, in the garden with us, fine, but if you are just arriving you ring the damn doorbell to announce your presence. i thought vampires needed to be invited in but apparently not this one!

ugh. Sorry. Rant over. Given the relationship is strained at best, and especially given they know i am pumping and bfing so may have my tits out and that we keep the gate locked therefore don't expect people to let themselves through it as a matter of course, AIBU unreasonable to expect them to use the front door?

Not at all.
But tbh, it doesnt sound like they give a shit what you think or feel about anything so you'll probably have to either fall out with them, physically bar them or move to get rid of them.

or leave application papers for emmigrating to australia lying around

Of course YANBU! Ghastly people. The gate is such one tiny element in their behaviour... Why do they keep trampling over your boundaries?! They sound horrible.

I think it's time to start sticking rigidly to the one a month visit you originally stated. Fuck being rude to them. They clearly don't have any such concerns do they?

I agree that the situation is shit for you as you clearly despise them but don't think it's unreasonable for them to want to see their family more often. Once a week sounds fairly normal.

My next door neighbour did this once (male). I was naked in the dining room and heard the back gate and ran for the stairs. We started bolting the gate after that.

Yanbu, make sure he gate is locked if you're expecting them again.

YANBU.

Why would anyone think it was acceptable to do that?!

When they turn up unannounced, I would just say "Sorry, now isn't a good time." And I wouldn't let them in.

Objection - did you miss the fact that op's dh works away all week and only has the weekends at home with his own family? Once a month seems generous to me in those circumstances. Different if you all get on really well, of course.

I had a builder doing work in the garden, do that to me once, it is horribly shocking.

I would keep the gate locked in future, and I would not be available for all of these visits, you need to stick to once a month. They need to get a hobby.

Agree with Mintyy once a month is generous considering the DH's working pattern.

objection but surely that depends on the norm in your relationship and other commitments- if we had to see each set of parents once a week that uses up the two days a week available, even without factoring in any other visitors or having time to ourselves! We only saw them once or twice a year pre dds, and they don't see dh's grandparents at all, as MIL doesn't speak to her own mother, so we cant even see them at the same time. Yes that might be normal if you have a close relationship, but once a month is realistically all DH can offer without sacrificing other things. I have reluctantly agreed to let them take dd1 every week, in the name of building bridges, and in the hopes of getting them off our backs generally, but they are generally of the give an inch and they will take a mile persuasion.

i did start locking the gate because i expected this but they have lived here for months now and i would have thought it was so well established by now that it was locked that they wouldn't even try. I actually thought IWBU in assuming the worst and locking it in the first place but apparently they don't deserve the benefit of the doubt. Now i am annoyed as i shouldn't have to lock it just to keep them out! Grrrrr.

No! Leave the gate unlocked a little while longer.

Let them walk in on you again, scream, throw something at them (not DC, that may cause other problems), act frightened and then very angry. Throw them out, swearing, huffing and puffing, don't let them speak.

Tell DH they gave you the fright of your life, bfing, half asleep, some bloke staring at you, etc etc.

If calling them potentially murderous, peeping Tom, perverts doesn't do it you may have to stick to something much more simple, like shouting FUCK OFF every time you see them

Put barbed wire up over the fence and reduce visiting hours to as and when you want to. Protect your family.

I like the idea of calling them perverts and peeping Tom's and telling them to fuck the fuck out.

It takes the piss and it's a control thing. They're saying this is our sons house, therefore it's our house and we can come and go as we please and bollocks to you.

I sympathise. My DFil is like this, although we get on well and have a normal relationship. He has a front door key and lets himself in whenever he's passing. And as he is often passing quite late he'll come wandering in as late as ten o'clock at night. It drives me bonkers but as he was widowed a couple of years ago and is quite lonely at home I can't say anything. So we'll be sitting there of an evening and suddenly there's a key turning in the lock and in he strolls. I think he sees it as his right, as it's his sons house not mine, except it is actually half mine as my name's on the deeds and the mortgage.

Ilovemydog I would be very tempted to rip DH's clothes off so that FIL walked in at a very awkward moment. Might stop him

Some people just have no idea about what is rude, and just turning up and letting yourself into someone's home uninvited certainly counts. They need to see why out of the blue appearances are unwelcome.

You should be able to talk directly to them about this, but if they pretend to be hurt by how unreasonable you are, then I think showing your bra as if you were feeding, screaming and throwing something in terror at the 'burglar' is an excellent idea, as is feigning a sexual act with your DH.

Or, if things get really desperate, maybe a motion sensitive alarm would give you time to lock the door and disappear from view of the windows: they might get the message to call before first if they turn up ten times in a row and no one is home...

YANBU, OP. My MIL used to do this. She was always letting herself in the front door when DH was at work (she let herself and her sister in on my 2nd morning home with newborn DS and waltzed into my bedroom where I was in bed and DS asleep in his Moses basket, and proceeded to scoop up DS and wake him up). When I started locking the front door she would come around and try the back, so I ended up living in a Fort Knox the whole time we were in that house as she just ignored me when I told her to knock and wait instead of just strolling in.

It was infuriating, and my life and stress levels improved by leaps and bounds when we moved. I feel your pain. I wouldn't worry about being rude to them. They obviously have no concerns as far as their behaviour towards you goes, and it sounds like they have the thick skin of rhinos anyway.

They sound bloody awful.

Hecate is right: they don't care what you think. Therefore, do as a Alpaca suggests and say "sorry, now is not a good time" if they turn up uninvited & unannounced. Bluntness is sometimes the only way to deal with folk like this.

Lock that bloody back door! When you see them next tell them you've had to start doing it as "can you believe someone we know just let themselves into our home the other day?!!! What a bloody cheek!"

Seriously I would just move house. If they haven't worked out boundaries by now time to impose some on them forcefully.

Lock the bloody door now and tell us you've done it. I thought I had the MIL from hell but oh dear . . .

I hate it when people do that,really hate it

Am I the only one who thinks YABU? Grandparents want to see their grandchildren and to be told they can only do that once a month is a little unusual. I know you say your MIL is a pain but surely it would be good for her to build a bond with your children. And if your husband works away all week perhaps they could help out - if she felt more included she may be easier to deal with. My own mother is a giant pain in the arse but to her grandchildren she's supergran!
And as for walking into your house uninvited - isnt that what families do? So what if they see you breastfeeding or expressing milk - it might make them knock next time.
Maybe I read your post wrong or maybe you need to be a little less controlling.

Oh God, this is why I am so glad we don't live near to PIL!

Having said that, they have learned to ring BIL(who lives in the same town as them) before they turn up, but only after years of him telling them in no uncertain terms!

It is ultimately up to you. But I think seeing GC once a week is fairly normal. Once a month really is very little if you live close.

Amongst the working class people I grew up with, close family and friends go to the back door, strangers or people you barely know, go to front door. So not controlling, just different cultural expectations.