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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
Threetimesfive · 19/04/2014 20:18

What is the point of this thread? Sahms trying to make themselves feel better than WOHMs? It's so silly and pointless.

I ebf both dc and continued bf till they were 2yrs. I didn't ever leave them with a babysitter to have a night out until they were about 2yrs. Both, dh and I work in professional jobs with a degree of flexibility. We both work from home one or two days and can also work from home when dc are sick. We are both equally involved in our dc upbringing so they benefit from having two people who parent them. I think it's wonderful and feel lucky my girls have their dad around as well as me. Also we are financially secure, not well off but able to pay for hobbies, toys and the occasional holiday.

What I'm trying to say is that people are either good or bad parents but that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with whether mum is a WOHM.

I know some sahms who are frazzled and exhausted bored whose dc watch a lot of TV during the day, who are snappy and shout a lot at dc (as well as being lovely mums).

So really, good parents asses their unique and changing situations and try to find the best middle ground when raising their dc. There are many facets to life and it's really horses for courses. As long as the dc are loved, protected and nurtured it's all fine by me.

maddening · 19/04/2014 20:20

I have found since going back to work that whilst a sahm I was able to include housework, errands, shopping and socialising in during what would be childcare hours if I had been working.

So unless you fully dedicate every single moment during the hours of 8am - 6pm solely on childcare then you can get done during those hours extra things that a wohp can't do - those things are squashed in to evenings and weekends.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 20:21

Well I think you might be surprised morethanpotatoprints
Or maybe not.
I don't know. Really everyone's situation is different. And there are more variables than whether or not one works in paid employment.
A WOHP might well do all that you for your DC. But in a different way.
I imagine there are some wohps who do more than some sahps and vice versa.
Luckily no ones keeping score Hmm

morethanpotatoprints · 19/04/2014 20:22

Threetimesfive

I totally agree. I know both wohms and sahps who spend full days watching JK and the likes and others that do lots of things.
There is no harder or easier or even equal, just lots of variables and differences.

maddening · 19/04/2014 20:24

Ps I still bf my 3.3yo son and cosleep with him and work ft.

I don't think anyone should be belittling other people's lifestyle choices or necessary lifestyles - just be happy you have a choice if you have one.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/04/2014 20:24

Sorry x post. I think we agree on that one Grin

Threetimesfive · 19/04/2014 20:27

Oh, yes of course, then there are sahms who have a cleaner in 2x a week, grandparents around the corner for weekly/overnight babysitting etc.etc. whereas some WOHMs maybe have none of that. It's just too silly to say that all sahms spend more quality time parenting their dc and WOHMs are distant and absent parents who sub contract all the childcare and have less of an emotional bond with their dc. So narrow minded.

cosikitty · 19/04/2014 20:32

YANBU OP, of course there are variables, but as you describe it ( and I sspect this is the same for the average family, yanbu)

Badvoc · 19/04/2014 20:33

Yanbu.
But neither has the right to demonise the other.

BluebellTuesday · 19/04/2014 20:34

uselesswhoisnotuseless, of course you are not useless, but there is an issue around how much support you are getting. It should not fall to one person to do all the domestic tasks and it is not just a case of how you do or do not manage things, so therefore not a reflection of your personal abilities. In fact, turn it round, the fact that you are doing all that shows that you are clearly not useless, but you are exhausted. I realise that does not help the situation, but maybe the first step is to be a bit selfish and ask why you are doing everything around the house and what can be done differently?

cosikitty · 19/04/2014 20:39

I always wonder, how, if your baby goes to childcare, you deal with the fact that you don't know what is going in or out of them. I found it fascinating that whatever I fed my baby came out the other end, and I could tell exactly what had and hadn't agreed with them. I know this isn't essential to being a parent of course, but I can't imagine how I could have missed this personally when they were babies. I also expected a full feeding and bowel report from DH or the grandparents if they looked after them Grin

Threetimesfive · 19/04/2014 20:43

"When there's limited time together, I'd rather - for example - the toddler gets to have fun playing with daddy than scream the entire evening because daddy doesn't know she likes her peas separate from her mash, her milk through a straw but water in a cup and so on."

I am not judging your situation as it's not my place and would be unkind. However, I am grateful that my dh knows how to care for our dc on a day to day basis. He can do the play bit and knows about daily routines as do I. My family life is not superior to yours but we prefer it this way. I would hate it if dh was away all the time and I was the 'primary parent'.
As I said families come in all shapes, that's a fact of life. Good parenting is doing your absolute best to nurture your family and deal as best as you can with your unique circumstances.

uselessidiot · 19/04/2014 20:45

I think child care providers provide a little report of what the child has done/eaten that day along with any issues. No personal experience though.

GoAheadMakeMyDay · 19/04/2014 20:46

cosikitty most people have that in their maternity leave. TBH at 9 months old I wasn't all that concerned with my DDs shit unless she was poorly.

I also got a run down sheet from nursery with all that detailed.

Jinsei · 19/04/2014 20:46

I always wonder, how, if your baby goes to childcare, you deal with the fact that you don't know what is going in or out of them.

Lots of parents I know make their kids' meals before sending them to nursery or whatever. Even if the childcare setting provides food, i would assume that such information is always made available to parents.

I was fortunate enough to be around at nearly all mealtimes before dd started school anyway, despite working full time. I was also able to continue bf until she was nearly three.

Bambamb · 19/04/2014 20:48

Cosikitty our nursery always gave us a sheet at the end of the day with everything that they had done written on it. This included what they'd eaten, how much and the number of wet and dirty nappies. Anything unusual nappy wise would be noted! Plus we always gave him breakfast and dinner, he only got lunch and snacks at nursery. And of course we did whole days between 2 and 5 days a week depending on what we were working at the time.

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambamb · 19/04/2014 20:49

I also bf him until he was 2.

Jinsei · 19/04/2014 20:52

I am not judging your situation as it's not my place and would be unkind. However, I am grateful that my dh knows how to care for our dc on a day to day basis. He can do the play bit and knows about daily routines as do I. My family life is not superior to yours but we prefer it this way. I would hate it if dh was away all the time and I was the 'primary parent'.

Me too. A friend of mine died recently, extremely suddenly, at the age of 34. I am so very thankful that her DH was such an involved and hands-on dad to her two young children. I know that he will somehow be able to get them through it.

Artandco · 19/04/2014 20:53

I work from home and care for my children at the same time

Ie average day I will work 6-8am whilst they sleep, 1-3 when they nap, 4-6pm whilst they try and play between themsleves, 9-11pm when they sleep. So 8hrs a day whilst at home and caring for them. In between we go out/ swim/ play/ read/ bath/ cook/ etc etc

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 20:58

Well said Coldlight

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/04/2014 20:59

Of course its possibe to do everything a SAHP does and work. DS is at school whilst i'm at work so I have the same amount of time with DS that i would whether i worked or not. Housework and few admin bits get done before or after work.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 21:03

happy

Completely agree with you regarding school age children, but I think the OP was thinking of pre school children (although I don't think that's clear from the opening post)

TessDurbeyfield · 19/04/2014 21:05

What an odd thread, when I look around my friends and family (and my own life) I can see a myriad of different ways people fit in work and childrearing with a great deal of change in the way they do that over the child's life. The stereotypes in the OP just don't seem to fit in with my experience.In any case I really can't see why people are fussed with making life into a 'who works the hardest' contest - I work hard for the things I care about but certainly it's not an aim in itself.

FWIW I've done SAHM/free lance from home/part time/ FT over the 7 years I've been a parent. I'd say the hardest point was probably SAHM to a 3 month old who'd not slept for more than 2 hours at a stretch since birth, and an insecure 2 yr old who regressed with potty training and wet herself every time I left the room. That only lasted for about 2 weeks but at the time it felt like I'd given up a job I loved to clean up other people's bodily fluids 24 hrs a day. The easiest part was being a SAHM/very part-time to a 4/5 yr old at school and a 2/3 yr old with a few mornings at preschool. We would potter, go to groups, do a bit of craft, have lovely days out, get everything in the house done whilst he was at pre-school and be at the school gates every day. It really does depend on circs....

Mrsmlt · 19/04/2014 21:07

I work shifts so often look after the dcs from waking until 3pm then go to work. Every situation is different.