to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

[Sampanther]

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

The Martyr comments came from the OP stating unless she had a hard time with a teething child etc etc she didn't feel she was actually a proper parent and those who WOH clearly weren't proper parents unless they had been through the hard time she had.
The OP has moved on from this and clearly her DP is either not pulling his weight when at home or the OP doesn't want him to.
Either way the Dc are not benefitting from the care of two parents.

Jack is in an unusual position in that she is SAH and WOHM - its really hard and she has lashed out at SAHM who do the whole "its sooo haaaard" thing because she is doing their role and WOH - she is tired and stressed and would love to just SAH- not that difficult to understand.
She has apologised so maybe time to let it go?

All this whom same stuff really gets me down. People use it to tell me I'm lazy and irresponsible. Because they tell me this I feel so incredibly guilty about the feeling of tiredness I get.

Do is at school but dd2 is at home with Dh so the house is never as I left it. Dh obviously changes more nappies than me and supervises more lunches and school runs but I still cook, clean, sort out bills, iron etc. I don't sleep well and worry that one day I'll be the subject of a MN thread about a do who doesn't pull their weight yet I feel I've reached the point where I feel incapable of doing any more. Before anyone else says it I do realise that normal people manage it and I'm just useless. I get a half hour break at work but supervisors are generally on your back for being 'irresponsible' and taking it so it's hardly relaxing.

I do wonder whether these sorts of threads are started by people who preferred life without children. Or who want the joy of children without the struggles. I don't know why some people think that having and raising children shouldn't be hard.

I have been a SAHM and a WOHM. Big age difference between DC1 & 2 and DC3. DH and I did the same amount of parenting with DC3 as we did with DC1 & 2, just at different times and different intensity. We now have 3 DC's who are wonderful adults (and nearly adult).

I also come from a family where women and mothers worked full time, every generation since my Great, Great Grandmother in 1870.

Who cares how you parent, as long as you parent, bring up your DC's to be confident and successful, and don't judge those who don't do the same as you?

You aren't useless. You sound a bit stressed out and quite clearly the not sleeping is taking it's toll but you aren't useless. You earn a living to support your family and you still do a whole lot more than that on top.

I'm a single part time WOHM, I've found that sorting out bills etc on my break at work helps take some of the load of at home. I also batch cook and freeze so that we're still having homemade meals but without the hassle of cooking on the days I work. I also iron as I wear quite a lot and once a month do all the rest. Juggle things about and try and find a balance that works for you better.

Most of all try and get your sleeping under control. It's true that things look a lot better after a good nights kip.

But people do care mod, there's always someone itching to tell you how crap you are, how horrible , irresponsible or whatever else is insult of the day. It's sole destroying.

I've done both and I think a lot depends on how many hours you work and age of children.Working full time with young children is by far far far the hardest thing.The morning is a whirlwind and the chaos is still there when you get home at 6 tir4ed with 2 tired hungry children and have to start on cleaniong up the breakfast things and making dinner

Hmmm, I have been full time sahm, part- time work/part time sahm, and full time wohm.
Now my Dcs are two adults and 1 teen, I think FOR ME, sahm was the most boring and wohm is the hardest. And yes, apart from the obvious one to one time for play doh and swimming and music and movement etc, I would say the wohm does what the sahm does plus a job. All the housework is fitted in around working hours and at the weekends, same with dentists, doctors etc except in emergencies in which case I take time out of work which has to be made up later.
Its all hard in its different ways and personally, I hated being stuck at home with little ones and found that hard too. Throw into the mix now looking g after elderly parents as well as working full time and as well as having one DC still in school and it would be a lot easier to be a sahm now. Don't really know what my point is......just my thoughts.
Sahm with little ones = hard
Sahm with Dcs in school = much easier than wohm

working parents don't do all the things that sahps do plus work
I do.
There's nothing a SAHP does, that I don't.
They just, probably, do it for more hours a week than I do.
When I'm working I pay someone to look after them. But I still do all our laundry, housework, day trips, school organising, doctors appointments, shopping, holiday booking.....
And no. There isn't less housework be ause they still have breakfast and supper and playtime at home everyday.
The only things factors that lead to doing less are having help such as a cleaner/ gardener. Also, the division of labour between DW and DH make a difference.
So everyone's circumstances are not the same.
And I'm sure most sahps work as hard as anyone else.
But YAbu. IMHO.
Because I do do all that I would do as a SAHP, plus work.

I only get 30 min break goahead and the shops etc are about 15 min away. I do what I can online when I get home or run about in the morning before a back shift.

Yes, it's shit, useless - though I've never personally come across this in RL. I wish modre's last sentence could be the final word on this on MN, though!

Oh fuck! That's soul not sole. I've lost the ability to spell.

In my view -it's in the early years - right through primary - that you can build the bonds that get you through the teenage years.

I agree with this completely, but I don't think sahms in general have better bonds with their dc than wohms (I know this wasn't what you were suggesting). There are so many factors that contribute to the relationships that we have with our kids - WOH/SAH is just a tiny and insignificant part of the picture.

Yes it should be loonvan. Unfortunately I've come across it in real life too.

Jack is in an unusual position in that she is SAH and WOHM - its really hard and she has lashed out at SAHM who do the whole "its sooo haaaard" thing because she is doing their role and WOH - she is tired and stressed and would love to just SAH- not that difficult to understand.

Fine. But actually it's not that unusual and the sweeping suggestion that SAHMs were moaning and being martyrs wasn't actually true. That was all that attracted comment.

I saw an ad recently for a weekend nanny. The family had 3 children under 4 and both worked FT and had a nanny but didn't at weekends. They wanted another nanny to help them have quality time at the weekend. It said that the children were all in a good feeding / sleeping routine despite the fact that only 1 was under a year old. I just thought this couple have no clue how to be with their DC if they need a nanny when there are 2 adults in the house all weekend.

I think it's mainly. Housework issue.
And the reason that fathers aren't included in the descriptions of ppl doing the same whether SAHP or WOHP are because men, still in 2014, do less housework than women.
Being out of the house for 8 hours doesn't really reduce the housework.
You just have less time to doit when you're at work.

But I don't think being a SAHP is easy, especially with young DCs at home. It's a special kind of exhausting that my 3 and 1 yo have introduced me to.

I agree that everyone should moderate their scathingness towards other women on threads like this. Walk a mile in the other woman's shoes, etc etc. BUT the real killer is living with someone who doesn't appreciate your WOH, nor your parenting. That shit sucks

allhailqueenmab that is so true. Especially the part about being appreciated (or not)

useless I stopped caring when people at the school gate started judging me as I was only there 1 day in 7 to collect DS3, after being there every day with DS1 & 2. The rest of the time it was a childminder. Who he loved and still sends Xmas cards to, 10 years on.

I know how shit it is, my DM was a single working mum when I was at school in the 1970's. If you think about judgey pants, I saw them over my head judging my DM. (sp)

Very true allhailqueenmab

Very very true Allhail. Whether WOH or SAH both are doing an important job and most are working hard. For that to be unappreciated would be awful.

TherealAmandaClarke

I think it depends on how you see the role and responsibilities of being a sahp and what you do in those hours.
I think if you are looking at it in terms of housework/housekeeping etc you are probably right. However, some sahps are not defined by housework, housekeeping in isolation.
Some days I am busy and don't do any housework at all. Maybe, I have spent most of the day travelling to a specialist instrument repairer, in an emergency. Maybe completed the books to send to the accountant.
perhaps identified 3 new marketing strategies for ds business.
All of which I'm not paid for, making me a sahm.
Some nights I'm still down loading resources for dd, or filling in application forms. Sometimes I'm ferrying her across the country to take part in some event.
I doubt there's a wohp who could do this, because they wouldn't have the hours.
This is fine because we are all different and not necessarily defined by a title or one particular role.
I couldn't fit in a job and still do all the things I do, or have the opportunity to do.

Totally agree allhail
Luckily for me and for DP we have always appreciated each others contribution whatever the role.

YABU. I have worked shifts, and done everything a SAHM would do with their kid, and worked full time.