Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
annebullin · 19/04/2014 21:11

'working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work?'

correct

When I was a sahm I was able to get to the gym in the day, go for coffee, trawl round the shops, MN extensively and even have the occasional sneaky kip. Definitely can't do all that while I'm at work.

Badvoc · 19/04/2014 21:22

Oh, here we go! Ffs!
...not all sahms get to spend time at the gym (ha) or going for coffee (ha) or going shopping (ha)
Partially it's the fact that a one income family has less money.
And secondly it's the fact that many sahms have other responsibilities too...I am my mothers carer and at one point was home schooling my ds1.
And as for being a Sahp being valued!?
Never.
People do not value what they do not pay for.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 21:41

anne

As a SAHM of school age children could go to the gym, coffee and shopping

As a SAHM of pre school children...not so much Smile

But I am lucky that I have No other responsibilities like caring for relatives (yet)

jellybeans · 19/04/2014 21:47

YANBU

They pay someone to do all that with their DC in the daytime when they are unable to care for their DC.

In my experience the house isn't trashed as much when only in it for an hour each side of the working day

Ponkypink · 19/04/2014 21:48

YANBU. The problem is the verbification 'parenting'. What SAHPs do during the day is childcare (plus some household work). Childcare is work. I don't do childcare work during the day, I work in a lab then, and only do childcare on evenings and weekends. Childcare is quite obviously work, regardless of your relationship to the children you are caring for.

SAHPs are not working by 'parenting', they are working by carrying out childcare in the home, just the same as a childminder (though arguably in some cases of different quality). This should not even be an argument, the only reason it is an argument is because lots of people are stupid.

uselessidiot · 19/04/2014 21:52

Sam rightly complain if it's suggested they don't work hard. They should therefore understand why a mum who works out of home is offended by suggestions that they don't work hard.

Best1sWest · 19/04/2014 21:54

I hate these threads. They either make you feel guilty or superior. Just what's being gained by setting woman against woman here?

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 21:56

the only reason it is an argument is because lots of people are stupid.

Grin @ Ponky

It does seem very obvious put like that; work is work, so is childcare, so is housework, so is domestic admin.

It is only the fortunate few parents who have hours (and funds) for gym/salon/shopping

uselessidiot · 19/04/2014 22:00

These threads make me feel so incredibly guilty I just feel so incapable of doing more. I just wish I was a normal human being who was capable of doing all a mum should. The thing is people going on about how crap mum's like me don't magically give me energy or give me skills.

maddening · 19/04/2014 22:07

I think it's the amount of "free time" that reflects most starkly - a shop will have less time free to do things (once housework and errands etc are taken out) they may for example have elderly or I'll parents as Barack does but that would come out of free time when worktime means that house work and errands etc which can't be done at the same time as work - whereas it can often be done alongside he childcare "work"giving more free time.
sahp with school age dc get the most free time, then preschool sahp and then part time working parents with school age dc then ft working parents with single full time parents most likely being worse off in terms of free time. A sahp with preschool dc and partner working v long hours or working away would also do badly as far as free time for the sahp is concerned - when you look at single resident parents it is harder all round.

ideally I'd love dfiance and I to both work part time to negate the need for childcare and both get to spend time with ds as well as ease up the housework etc but we both retain financial independence and our careers.

maddening · 19/04/2014 22:08

shop = wohp

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 22:09

useless

I think we are all doing the best we can...guilt comes with being a mum

My energy is lacking, I'm not good with cooking the children's food or playing with them and I think I've missed out on their childhood - was selfish and lazy

And I've been home for 15 fucking years

OwlCapone · 19/04/2014 22:15

This has to be one of the most pointless and tedious discussions on MN. Do we really need to take digs at women who have chosen differently to ourselves?

Dozer · 19/04/2014 22:19

But rufus, SAHMs with DC aged over about three will, if they use it, have 15 hours each week with no DC. Money for the gym or not, that is time that FT WOHMs don't have.

TessDurbeyfield · 19/04/2014 22:23

We've got 2 school aged children (infants) and are incredibly fortunate to both have full time jobs that allow us to be flexible in when and where we work (to a degree) so each do 2 days a week from home and doing pick ups from school gates (family member does them on the other day). It means we each get to spend a good amount of time with the children, from their perspective they effectively always have a parent at home, they have equal relationships with both of us, DH and I don't have a gendered view of who does what because we both do it, we both get to do the jobs we love and have the financial security that goes with it. If you can do that it is great. I fail to see how we (as a couple) do any less than a SAHM does.

It does mean that we get virtually no down time as we are full on with the kids or work or home all the time (e.g. work till 10/11 most nights and both did 6 hours in work tag teaming today to allow us to do more care in the holidays) but we are lucky enough to love work and family (less so the housework!) so that works well for us. It is a tiny bit galling when my SAHM friend (with school aged children, a cleaner and 2 friendly local grannies) tells me she is 'run off her feet' and when asked why it comes down to making a costume for world book day and doing the gardening but I don't begrudge her that.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 22:24

I think there'd be less of this if ppl had these conversations with their DP's.
But that never goes well. It's easier to chip away at others and suggest they're doing less.

LittleBearPad · 19/04/2014 22:27

Sam, regardless of the SAHP/WOHP argument which will go round in its same circle SS always, I would be upset if my husband wasn't able to fully look after our daughter. He works stupid hours at times (City lawyer) but he is as much our child's parent as I am (work part time) in all respects and has looked after her for weekends by himself. Your husbands hours are no reason for him not to look after the kids when he gets home. If he doesn't know how your daughter likes her milk then either tell him or let him find out by looking after her. You might be less pissed off at WOHP then.

LittleBearPad · 19/04/2014 22:27

Circle SS should be circles

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 22:32

dozer

That is a good point well made, but as you say it's if we used it. I know I didn't use 15 hours but I honestly can't remember why

So for the first 3 years no time and then as you say once they were at play school a few times a week I could go to the gym/exercise

But I wasn't having a pop, I completely agree that once a child is in some sort of "schooling" a SAHMs "job" gets much easier

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 22:34

No I don't do things a housewife does.i work.they don't

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 19/04/2014 22:36

I have accidentally referred to the two days i work in paid employment as my "days off" a day at work is far far easier than a day with my two toddlers, even though I work in a physical job for long shifts. However dh looks after the children at home when im at work so I do all the prep work and then end up clearing up the mess they have all made! But yanbu!

TattyDevine · 19/04/2014 22:40

Can't compare myself to a working parent even though I am a SAHP to 2 school aged children. If I worked, for me that would mean dropping them off somewhere at 8am (maybe breakfasted maybe not?) and picking them up at half 5/6 ish.

There would be less dishes and less mess, for sure, but no less washing.

I have a dishwasher.

I'd be up earlier though.

I'd do less "facilitating" whether it is homework or breaking up fights or whatever, but they would still have to be bathed.

I don't subscribe to the "hardest job in the world" necessarily, or at all...it changes as the years go on, in different ways.

Haven't read all the posts.

I have more "me time" than working people have, for sure, now they are at school. Its great. But I have my own income despite not working, so it may not be the best example.

mercibucket · 19/04/2014 22:44

i work 3 days a week

dh is there in the morning. kids walk to school alone.
i pick up at 3

i do all the driving to 25 million clubs and activities, supervise homework, bake, shop etc etc

on my days off i chill and do a bit of cleaning

so i am all the best and worst of sahp and wohp. i win Grin

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 22:45

What I really want to know is whether it gets easier as they grow.
Because they are fabulous and scrumptious but I'm shattered.
I mean pretty much broken.
I would quite like a commute on a train so I could read the paper and drink coffee laced with rum out of a costa takeaway cup en route.. Sadly I have to drive to work. Easter Sad

LibraryMum8 · 19/04/2014 22:48

YANBU. My friend told me how easy it was to potty train her dc and it was no work at all for her. Because it wasn't, her dc was home with a babysitter all day that trained her.