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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
coolcookie · 19/04/2014 18:28

Yanbu
Working parents do most things a sahm does bar childcare whilst working. Unless you are a childminder of course.

JackShit · 19/04/2014 18:29

fidelineish - I was merely pointing out that some of us do BOTH.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/04/2014 18:33

oops I have teenagers

I've worked FT since they were 6 months old.

Trust me, our "bond" is just fine. And they are both pretty amazing.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 18:36

Seriously though, the moaning and martyrdom of sahms who don't have to deal with the added stress of bringing in a wage really grips my shit

Oh is that what this^ was Shit? Sounded pointlessly inflammatory to me

JackShit · 19/04/2014 18:38

Fine. You don't understand.

FaFoutis · 19/04/2014 18:39

I am with JackShit, I do both. I work from home (evenings and nights) and have 3 young DC.

The stress is hideous and I have little in common with SAHM because of it.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 18:40

I don't understand the need for your rudeness? You're right. I don't.

MrsCripps · 19/04/2014 18:40

Been there as well Jack
Its hard doing a full day with young DC and then a night shift!
Flowers

BUT I didn't have to try and get back into working after a period out and I kept all my accrued benefits.

coolcookie · 19/04/2014 18:41

Not read whole thread but sam are you me?
I have a dh who does 12 to 13 hour days but has probably only change 10 nappies in 18 months. Most of those when I was recovering from csection and on a work conference. I am self employed very part time. Never does bedtime with 3rd (except 1 night) and bathtime with all 3.
We have just been on holiday for a week and I spent whole time runing round after toddler whilst he got to do fun stuff with older kids like cabaret etc.
Dd in particular gets upset with him but even older two come to me.
If I wohm full time it would hopefully be more balance d in the holidays but it isn't finly viable at moment.

coolcookie · 19/04/2014 18:42

O and the reason why dd wants me is because I am still breastfeeding.

JackShit · 19/04/2014 18:44

Thanks FaFoutis and MrsCripps.

I'm sorry if my post offended, but these types if threads/debates are so galling.

In truth I would have loved to have had that choice to just be a sahm and not be so dog tired I feel like my eyes are bleeding, but financially we just can't do it.

I wish some people would appreciate their circumstsnces a little more perhaps.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 18:50

The grass is always greener Shit. It would help so much if we could keep these threads at least vaguely respectful.

sarinka · 19/04/2014 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hm32 · 19/04/2014 18:53

Having recently been a WOHM, and now SAHM, I was thinking about this today. I was wondering when I'd have had the time to tidy up 101 times, wash the floor, do the endless loads of washing etc. Then I thought - well , I DID have time somehow.

And it occurred to me that there was less mess because DS wasn't at home, less food around because he was eating it elsewhere, less changes of clothing for me because his sticky hands/whatever ended up on someone else. It wasn't me who taught him to say 'Thank you' or to queue nicely in shops - I reinforced it, but someone else did the bulk of the work as I simply wasn't there.

katese11 · 19/04/2014 18:57

YANBU but I find the bedtime hour is harder work if they've been in childcare all day than if they've been home. It's like they use up all their reasonableness at nursery and save the horridness for me!

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 18:59

I think I must be reading a different thread Confused

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 19:00

The average WOHM of pre school children does not do what the average SAHM of pre school children does (and work)

The average WOHM of school children DOES do what the average SAHM of school children does AND works

Most of us are not average, but we all do what we feel is best for our families

FaFoutis · 19/04/2014 19:05

The thing is, fidelineish, there is no grass for those of us who do both.

Does anyone really wish they stayed at home looking after toddlers all day and then worked into the early hours?

MrsCripps · 19/04/2014 19:06

"The grass is always greener"
Umm Jack is SAH and WOH - both in the same day .
When you/me are settling down to an evening of TV she is going out to do another days work !!

I did this for a short while and it was a killer !
She has no choice so cut her some slack ??? and think yourself bloody lucky you don't have to do it .

Dozer · 19/04/2014 19:10

The main difference is obviously childcare hours. Domestic workload is similar, more tidying and possibly cooking for SAHMs with small DC, but maybe less washing / ironing (workwear).

"finding time for professional development" - hollow laugh!

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 19:16

I did this for a short while and it was a killer! She has no choice so cut her some slack ??? and think yourself bloody lucky you don't have to do it

I did have to do it when I was a single mum (7.30pm to 1.30am from home) but I'm pretty sure being rude to other people wouldn't have helped me, shattered though I was. People all do what they feel they have to do, why all the bitchiness?

I'm also more than a bit confused that some people seem to think this thread is full of SAHM martyrdom. Where?

Oopssaidtoomuch · 19/04/2014 19:18

Tantrumsandballoons- reread my post. I was referring to one particular friend. I clearly said I thought my other friends who WOHM do a good job of combining being a mum and working. One friend puts her kids into childcare at every opportunity - I think there will be a price to pay.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 19:20

fid

I thought that was just me (couldn't understand where the martyr comments were and couldn't be bothered to reread) it's been very restrained.

And actually I know some SAHMs who had a shitty awful time until they went back to work

Goblinchild · 19/04/2014 19:26

Well, I suppose one of the downsides for a SAHM is when they try and get back into the workplace and usually find that there are no jobs they can just pop back into. Or that the job they thought they knew has moved on considerably in a couple of years and their knowledge is obsolete.
There are a lot of threads on that on MN.
Parenting is never easy, however you choose to handle it, but most people put their children first. Whatever form that takes.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/04/2014 19:28

Very true goblin

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