to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

[Sampanther]

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

If you don't feel you've made a sacrifice and your happy with your choice that's great. But many women don't wish to jack in their careers and keep them going, albeit part time or however possible. They want to earn their own money and know they have their own pension provision. And many of these women go back to work but some don't because childcare would be too expensive or too difficult. And so parent must stay home - and more often than not it's the woman who does. And she has then made a sacrifice.

A stank mum, he he he!

Maybe we are just all comfortable with different things. I just don't like the idea of having to go to work at the moment. It caused me personally angst when I realised I wanted to SAH but felt that I was letting the side down for women if I did. And it was only other women that made me feel like that, which I think sucks. The blokes I knew didn't care either way.

And in my head, Weenies are baby Weebles, just so you know

Weenie,to me,is tiny penis.just so you know

Little - it is really awful when that happens. No woman should feel she has to give up her job or go part time or anything if she doesn't want to. I think too many generalisations are made about WOHP and SAHP. We should be able to choose our own path.

I actually put in weeble but it autocorrected and I was too lazy to change it

Tiny blue peni...

Dino it should be a choice based on what works for you and your family but it doesn't hugely bother most men because they have nothing to lose from it either way...

Well, he just lost the same amount going into his private account that I did, but I know that most couples don't work that way. He also lost a big car and the Sky package but tough shit I say!

YANBU OP. It's one of those mumsnet cliches that people trot out without stopping to think that it's bollocks

Yabu, for thinking there is only one way of what you define as parenting.

YANBU but I think a lot depends on the type of parent as well, regardless of their working status.I know if I was working full-time I would be doing a lot less with them (but conversely would be in a much better position to afford some of the things they may wish to do when they get older such as being an exchange student etc). To be honest, I really don't think it matters as long as the parent is doing their best to provide them with the best quality childcare they can, whether that is from a provider or themselves (eg not doing either on a shoestring budget and then complaining about either quality of care if work or sacrifices if at home).

Well OP you've described what a SAHP of preschool children does. I stopped having to supervise naps quite some time ago!

What does a SAHP do when the kids are at school? That I don't do as a WOTHP doesn't do. I'm curious.

I don't think it's neccessarily a bad thing to be financially dependen on a dh. It's worth planning for unpleasant eventualities though. And I think it often shifts the balance of power.
Fwiw I work pt in a "professional" role. But if my dh died or ran off I'd still be fucked. Even if I increased my hours, because I cant earn as much as he can.certainly not our joint wage.

"it's different work with a 10 year old and an 8 year old than when they were 3 and 5 or even younger, but it is not easier in my experience. There are so many extras and so many more demands - homework, after school clubs, sports clubs, cubs, brownies, music lessons, etc."

In that example a SAHM would have 6 hours a day (in term time) while DC at school!

Well that's good to hear Ali because it's relentless now.
When I have one of them at a time (baby napping or DS out with DH) then I feel like I'm on holiday .

Holidays are a struggle. DS is at nursery. In the hols we pay a fortune for additional childcare and i have to go through the uncomfortable process of negotiating annual leave at peak times to spend time with him. I always envy sahms a little during the holidays I must admit.

An extra 30 hours a week would be nice.

I know a "sahm" whose DCs are now adult. She's the mother of a friend of mine. Now she looks after her DH (retired), keeps a lovely tidy home, takes her DGCs out, gardens etc. she is quite busy.
I think it's possible to fill whatever time you have and call it "work"

Some sahms must work a lot harder than I do. If thes a child with a
Additional needs or they're a single parent.

Competitive busy-ness is a race nobody can win.

Omg. I just cannot believe this thread. I haven't seen such a narrow minded thread on mn in a good while .

Being a whom does not mean you parent less. Quantity is not quality. Parenting is not just the hands on stuff like wiping noses and bottoms but also strategic. Thinking about what's best for your family at any given time; Being aware of your dc's and dp's and your own needs and wants working together, trying to being harmonious but solving problems together, being a unit.

Deciding that mum has to work ft when dc is say 2 yrs because that is the only way to get / stay on the housing ladder is better parenting that Thant family not having their own home but mum being sahm.

How can this not be obvious.

And to the person who said they they feel they do more for their child because they have /had to know what food goes into the child and what comes out....... Seriously? It sounds a tad very obsessive. Do you also grow your own vegetables, milk your own cows/goats and kill the animals your family eat so that you have control over every aspect of your child's food? How utterly bizarre.

And yes, we provide a packed lunch so do happen to know what they eat, fwiw --ffs.

I hate threads that end up pitting working mums against stay at home mums. We're all trying to do the best we can in whatever way works for individual circumstances.

We should be standing together to improve the situation for all mums, not bickering.

And..... Do those mothers you think being a sahm us the bees knees also thnk that women should maybe rather not go to university because it's not really worth it is it? All those fees paid, student loan accumulated and then not working or working p/to for a decade at least....

Excuse bad typing, spelling and grammar am typing of the fly

Dzer

"it's different work with a 10 year old and an 8 year old than when they were 3 and 5 or even younger, but it is not easier in my experience. There are so many extras and so many more demands - homework, after school clubs, sports clubs, cubs, brownies, music lessons, etc."

In that example a SAHM would have 6 hours a day (in term time) while DC at school!

Well, I did say "in my experience" which, in my case, is as a WOHM. The point is that it is different as they get older, not necessarily easier.

Threetimesfive: My mum did all that bar the killing animals. She was a SAHM from when I was four until I was twelve, mainly due to health problems after the birth of her third child. I have lovely memories of Nanny and Patti, our two goats (which we didn't kill of course) and we grew our own vegetables and fruits. They shopped once a month. Even now, my kids love going up to their mountain home and harvesting stuff. It's really not a bad way to live and we have some lovely childhood memories due to that (eg coming home with friends for hot lunches during winter as we lived just down the road from the local elementary school).

That said, I do agree with you. My parents had their own home, mum had an independent income from dividends etc and it really depends on the circumstances.

Wait til they are old enough for exams

It's a fucking nightmare...I'm much more stressed than ds1 is, I don't want his really stressed but a slight "ooooh maybe I should revise" would be great!

Loads do people have said a SAHM has it easy once kids are at pre school or school (except for caring duties) and I would be the first to agree

But of all my SAHM years I am finding the period from 4pm until 10pm at the moment the most difficult.....and masses of my WOHM friends are doing the same thing, after a day at work

What brdgrl said. And a round of applause for threetimesfive as well.

FFS what is all this competitive stuff for?

If it really matters to you that you get to watch every single item of food they goes in (and comes out!) of your child, then fine, be a SAHP because there's no other way you'll get to be able to do that. Just accept that it doesn't make you a better parent than mrs bloggs next door, or that your children will turn out happier/ cleverer.

That's an extreme example from earlier in the thread, but the same principle applies all along the spectrum. If you believe being a SAHP is the best thing for your family then fine- just don't be surprised or indignant if you come across WOHP who are just as happy with their life, and whose children are just as happy.

The opposite is equally true. I don't think being a WOHP makes me 'better'. The only claims I make are that it gives me the balance which suits our family life (and I include DH in that) it enables me to use different skills and different experiences to those I'd have as a SAHP and I like the salary and pension. I'm not claiming it is 'better' for my children, neither is it worse, I believe they would be equally happy and resilient if I was a SAHP.

I think some people take things too personally on here and assume that it's all about them. There were a number of posts earlier about the potential vulnerability of giving up work... That doesn't mean people shouldn't give up work if they and their partner agree its the best thing in their circumstances. It's just highlighting a point which applies to many women. I wish people would remember that if they are a SAHP who is not economically dependent on their other half, and who has the means to continue paying into a private pension, or their own assets etc, they are in a VERY privileged minority... Most women are not in this situation, many women have nowhere near adequate pension provision and will be in a very dicey position if they outlive their husband. So just because ones own situation might be fine, it doesn't make that true for everyone else

Finally- OP, did you start this thread just to shit stir?!