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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
fidelineish · 19/04/2014 23:44

Why do SAHMs enrage you so much Scottish?

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 23:45

If your various sources inc FTC or benefits you're not independently financed

BluebellTuesday · 19/04/2014 23:47

I commuted two and a half years an hour each way as a single parent when DC1 was little, with DD. That was in the car, so she would sleep an hour then be up till about 9.30pm. She is still a bit of a night owl.

Later I did a commute with DC2, when he was still breastfeeding. That was both good as could interact with him on the train and excruciating if he needed fed and the train was packed.

I hope never, ever to have to commute in my life again. In fact, much of what I do now is about working at home as much as possible.

Sorry that is random, I have gone off the point of the thread.

DinosaurRaaaar · 19/04/2014 23:47

I'm a qualified mental health nurse and have kept my reg up, so could get another job quickly if I needed to.

If he dies, he's insured to a degree that we would never have to worry financially.

I refuse to not live in a way I think is right for my family as it is now, on the basis of what could happen in the future.

RhondaJean · 19/04/2014 23:48

Being economically dependent on anyone else is unwise, male or female. Unfortunately it's been normalised and even idealised for women.

allhailqueenmab · 19/04/2014 23:50

TheRealAmandaClarke, yes, it does get easier then! Mine are 5 and 3 and there is real light at the end of the tunnel now. When mine were the age yours are now and I was back at work after mat leave, I had a ahem kind of exhaustion breakdown a few months later.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 19/04/2014 23:50

When grow up and get the glitter glue out of my hair I want to be a working mom!

Permanentlyexhausted · 19/04/2014 23:51

My one regret about my career and the fairly irreversible direction it has taken is that I will almost certainly never be able to get a job that does not involve a commute of over an hour without uprooting my entire family.

DinosaurRaaaar · 19/04/2014 23:52

Rhonda - I think it's far more worrying to live my life as if on the precipice of instant divorce.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/04/2014 23:55

Scottish

I never said I was independently financed, moreover that I wasn't reliant on dh. That does not mean that it is sourced by benefit.

It is important if possible to be able to manage on your own in case a relationship breaks down. It's also important if possible for a sahp to make provision for pension.
I am 99% sure our marriage is sound, but so were the many other women I read about on the relationship threads.
I have always been aware of this, but haven't let it rule my life.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 23:57

Why the assumption that SAHMs haven't thought of economic security and taken appropriate steps where possible?

I know at least six women who have studied for postgraduate qualifictions during their SAHM years. People draw up post-nups, increase life-insurance etc.

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 23:58

I've made all my working decisions based on future rather than present, so the complete opposite to Dinosaur.

It was thinking 5 years ahead that persuaded me not to give up work after maternity leave - this worked out as expected as I got promoted just after baby no 2, and by the 5 year point was well on my way to another promotion. Had I taken the time out to be sahm until youngest at school (age 5.5) I would have been starting from scratch again after 8.5 years out of work.

The thought of not being financially independent has always been a driver to me, and tbh it would annoy me if my husband was financially dependant on me.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 23:59

You said you're not economically dependent on your partner.so your independently financed?
You were v clear in asserting not economically dependent,so I queried what it means

RhondaJean · 19/04/2014 23:59

Fid I've read the relationships boards, so many begin "I can't leave, I'm a sahm, I can't afford to"

Permanentlyexhausted · 20/04/2014 00:00

Allhailqueenmab (sorry not trying to pick on you) and TheRealAmandaClarke

Sorry - it's different work with a 10 year old and an 8 year old than when they were 3 and 5 or even younger, but it is not easier in my experience. There are so many extras and so many more demands - homework, after school clubs, sports clubs, cubs, brownies, music lessons, etc.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/04/2014 00:05

Whilst being a sahm

I have completed a HND, Hons Degree, Exec Diploma MGT from CMI
PgCE, Masters level Social Science OU, Level 2 C&G English, and my most proud moment Level 2 Maths C&G yeh Smile

That nice Tony Blair paid for the fees, maintenance grant and gave me 6k to do a PgCE. Before you flame, its not my fault the system was different.

DinosaurRaaaar · 20/04/2014 00:05

Fide - exactly! I plan to use my RMN status to retrain as a psychotherapist once my little one has started school. We sorted out life insurances etc. and frankly, if we did split, I could get another job.

No cheese - well aware that relationships break down, having being brought up by a single mother as my dad buggered off when I was 10 months old. I am just a tiny bit aware of that. I am a SAHM not lobotomised.

I still can't work out how we are sending a healthy message to our children about relationships if some of us are working in case relationships break down? Not exactly implying permanence and commitment to them?

monicalewinski · 20/04/2014 00:08

Permanentlyexhausted, I concur Grin

The hundreds of things that require ferrying to and from seems to explode as they get older.

However, when they are not being chauffeured around to football/rugby matches etc they are so much easier older.
They even do things like bring you toast and coffee up in the morning and put the washing on/do dishes etc.

nocheeseinhouse · 20/04/2014 00:09

Eh, you think all working mums are working in case their relationships breakdown? Urm... no.

But being capable of being financially independent in case of unforeseen events, then, yes, I think that's good modelling, and a healthy message.

fidelineish · 20/04/2014 00:09

That may be true of some SAHMs Rhonda but not all. Besides most people SAHM for just a few short years.

These blanket, patronising lectures and horrified declarations of 'I could never be dependent on a man' (as if men are horrific three headed beasts and independence at all times is the highest of personal virtues), invariably lobbed at SAHMs by WOHMs always sound so OTT and PA. So redolent with faux concern and barely-concealed superiority.

Can't we all just knock it off? There is a heartbreaking leukaemia post on MN ATM. When things take a sudden turn to the truly shit, any of us can be shafted no matter who we are or what we do.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/04/2014 00:11

Scottish

I am a 50% owner in our business, I have money here. I have money from other sources, all of it none earned.
I certainly don't have an earned income and haven't for many years.
I have commodities to sell, family heirlooms, the odd bit of inheritance and an income for pension when the time comes.
There are other sources too.

LittleBearPad · 20/04/2014 00:12

People may be SAHM for just a few years but that can be enough to make getting an equivalent job in your field or even a lesser one very difficult when you want to rejoin the workforce, especially if you want to work flexibly.

nocheeseinhouse · 20/04/2014 00:12

Not men. Being financially, or in fact, just dependent on someone else is not something I would ever choose to do, or wish to model for my child. Not superiority, any more than any other parenting issue, bf vs ff etc.

scottishmummy · 20/04/2014 00:14

Mn is gut wrenchingly sad,uproariously funny,thought provoking.it accommodates it all
With all due respect,it is acceptable to have this thread,frothy s&b and leukaemia
No one needs to moderate their posts.at all

fidelineish · 20/04/2014 00:15

True Little but it varies by field and anyhow just because someone identifies themselves as a SAHM it doesn't mean they aren't volunteering, sudying, maintaining registrations, dabbling in the odd project. Maybe they are planning a career change anyway, were made redundant on maternity leave or just plain fucking wealthy. They don't necessarily need this blanket condescension about economic independence.