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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think working parents don't 'do all the things SAHPs do plus work'?

603 replies

Sampanther · 19/04/2014 15:12

I've heard this response an awful lot, particularly to that awful 'being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world' advert. I have worked outside the home and been a SAHM and I do not feel that working meant I did all the parenting plus work on top. For example, as a SAHM parent I'd deal with squabbling, tantrums, discipline, naps, take them to parks/soft play etc and help them to play nicely with other children, cook with them, do painting and play doh and so on.

As a working parent I had an hour of getting them ready in the morning, dropped them off at childcare, then an hour of winding them down and putting them to bed at night. I could eat and go to the toilet in peace during the day, the house was tidy and needed little cleaning as we were rarely in it and I had very little to do with discipline etc.

I'm not trying to say working parents don't parent, because obviously they do but AIBU to think parents who work fulltime don't 'work and do all the parenting as well'? I don't get why working mums respond that way and think they're right but if a working husband came home and said to his stay at home wife that he does just as much parenting as her then I'm sure mumsnet would not agree.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 22:51

If your kids are at school,and one is housewife that's a total doss.

Permanentlyexhausted · 19/04/2014 22:52

The problem with these threads is that they are full of inaccurate generalisations fuelled by some sort of grass-is-greener syndrome. So WOHMs are convinced that SAHMs are heading off to the gym and drinking coffee with friends all day whilst claiming they work hard and never get a break. SAHMs are convinced WOHMs sit around in the office all day chatting, having uninterrupted tea breaks and eating lunch in peace. Everyone seems convinced that the 'other side' is doing the things they wish they could be doing.

When I was on mat leave I certainly wasn't spending time at the gym (although I did meet friends for coffee every week). As a WOHM it is true that my tea breaks and lunch breaks are, thankfully, not interrupted by small people - a good job as it is hard enough trying to shoehorn arranging appointments, arranging playdates, arranging childcare, buying seemingly endless bits of new clothing and equipment, and dealing with the 1001 other child-related matters that crop up every day into a couple of 15 minute breaks.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 22:53

I would quite like a commute on a train so I could read the paper and drink coffee

When I was a SAHM to two under two I used to envy commuters their commuting 'me time' and their toddler-free lunchtimes (and loo visits). Which proves how lunatic this comparison making can gets, I think.

DrCoconut · 19/04/2014 22:54

I'd question the idea that one income households are worse off than where both parents work. In my experience two parents working is a result of low pay, the households that can afford a parent out of work typically have a high earner. The things that they list as sacrifices they make (living in a terraced house, buying supermarket value ranges, minimal holidays etc) are daily reality for millions of low paid families, who are working all the hours they can.

Dozer · 19/04/2014 23:05

Yes rufus, age of DC is a key factor.

Commuting by train can indeed be better than driving, although even on a reliable, frequent, direct train with a seat (none of which are a given) rail commuting is a frustrating time-eater, neither work nor with DC or partner, nor proper leisure time (eg exercise, hobby) and hard to do admin type stuff cos of crappy mobile reception!

williaminajetfighter · 19/04/2014 23:05

Haven't read all the posts but what's your point OP? That you are a more involved and better parent because you have the luxury not to have to go to work and probably are an economic dependent on a man? What a goady thread.

And while we're at it, you may spend more time with your children but until your time at home involves deadlines, evaluations and work reviews, 'office politics', pressure etc please stop assuming it is equivalent 'work' to the work I do 'outside the home'.

allhailqueenmab · 19/04/2014 23:10

TheRealAmandaClarke, how old are your dcs?

fidelineish - what is lunatic about envying a commute? OK, not all commutes are created equal, but mine is the easiest part of my day. It's a half hour train journey each way, on which I always get a seat, and can READ! and WORK! and THINK! and SHUT MY EYES SOMETIMES! and the rest of it (before and after the train) totals 2.5 miles each way which I can walk fast or cycle - pleasant exercise. I am knackered because I leave the house early and get back late and still have work to do after dcs' bedtime, not because I have been sitting on a train with my kindle.

when I went back to work after mat leave the commute blew my mind. I thought I had joined some incredibly expensive private members club or something. "So - I just sit here - sometimes with coffee? - and do - what? You mean I can do NOTHING? And no one climbs on me and jabs me really hard in the tit with a crazily pointy elbow? no one thwacks me in the face with a book? And there's this nice window here? And - what's the catch? And I am really doing NOTHING with my arms? No wiping, no grabbing, no catching in mid-air, no rummaging in bags of doom with my arse in the air? REALLY?"

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 23:11

Librarymum, I potty trained both my boys when on a week's leave from work - working parents do things like potty training too.

Do we have a winner yet btw?

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 23:11

William Your post is waayyy more goady than the OP, which was actually quite measured

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 23:12

And I am really doing NOTHING with my arms? No wiping, no grabbing, no catching in mid-air, no rummaging in bags of doom with my arse in the air? REALLY?"

Grin @ AllHail That is it exactly.

monicalewinski · 19/04/2014 23:17

You don't realise how much you cram into your life when you have children, because it becomes normal.

I have worked away from home for periods quite a few times over the years and it is unnerving to realise that you have nothing to do apart from take care of yourself.

It's great for a week or 2, but gets boring very quickly.

LittleBearPad · 19/04/2014 23:17

No it isn't fid. Its how working outside the house sometimes is. And the flip side of the peaceful commute, when I'm reading and replying to emails is the stress of crossing London on the tube to pick up dd by 6pm, hoping the two tube lines I use aren't buggered.

LittleBearPad · 19/04/2014 23:18

Peaceful morning commute

Permanentlyexhausted · 19/04/2014 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 23:23

I meant the 'economic dependent of a man' bit Little

LittleBearPad · 19/04/2014 23:26

Ah that's a whole other thread Wink

jenniferalisonphillipasue · 19/04/2014 23:31

I am currently a SAHM although I run a small business (very small right now but with potential to grow). I have worked part time since having the dc but not in a career. I don't think anyone can compare the two roles and actually there is no reason too. We each live our lives as we see fit and should be able to do so without being judged by others.
Personally I cannot envisage that I will ever be able to work full time again. I have 4 dc -2 at school, 1 at preschool part time and one at home full time. Even when they are all at school I can't see how it will be physically possible? This year there have only been 4 full weeks (not consecutive) where the older 3 have been at school for the whole week due to illness. I don't think I could handle the stress of juggling everything. I know that I am lucky to be in that position but there is a part of me that feels a bit trapped by that.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/04/2014 23:32

I am neither superior or inferior to anybody else.
I have no less or more time than anybody else.
I love my dc no more or less than anyone else does.
My work is no more or no less than anyone elses.

I am a sahp I am not nor ever have been economically dependant on my dh. He does as much housework if not more than I do at times.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 23:35

What's your income source then potato?savings?benefits?if you don't work

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 23:38

allhailqueenmab 3 and 1.
It's tiring. Grin
I struggle to have the "edge" I used to in my work.
But I'm lucky to work pt.

fidelineish · 19/04/2014 23:38

Really scottish? MoreThan has to have her economic equality arrangements reviewed and approved by you?

morethanpotatoprints · 19/04/2014 23:39

Scottish

Various sources.

DinosaurRaaaar · 19/04/2014 23:40

William

If a male wanted to be a SAHP and was told that being economically dependent on a female was unwise, there would be uproar.

My husband goes out to work, I look after our daughter and most of our "joint" stuff at home. It's a partnership. My husband's job is really demanding and.....so is mine. He brings home cash, I raise his daughter. I couldn't give a bobbins about being "financially dependent" on him. We are a team.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2014 23:43

Various sources?how deliciously vague
If you're not working and not dependent on a partner hows it work?

nocheeseinhouse · 19/04/2014 23:43

No, there wouldn't, not from those of us who've learned the hard way that relationships break down.

I think it's important that both partners remain, to a certain extent, capable of being financially independent. No one knows when relationship breakdown/death/illness could strike, and it's short sighted, as an adult, to allow yourself to be dependent on another. You may be a team, but you'd be up shit creek if he dropped down dead/shagged a workmate/got cancer.