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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum not to have her second wedding the same summer as my first?

101 replies

MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 08:53

Starting to hate all things wedding related argh! We plan to get married August 2015 but cannot book/announce it yet due to finances etc. my mum knows how I have been hoping for years to fix a date (well month/yr) and now have.

She has just told us her partner (who btw she got together with more recently than me and DP did) has proposed and they are thinking June 2015!

Aibu to ask her to reconsider the date (ideally the year) given we have lots of overseas relatives who will only be able to come over once in any given year? And given they will be announcing their engagement first, everyone will plan around their wedding?

Am prepared to be told I am a brat.. And no I do not want to have them at the same time (am I totally unreasonable to not want my mum to steal my thunder?)

OP posts:
hugoagogo · 19/04/2014 09:33

I totally see it's annoying, but really if you get together and plan the two weddings close together than you can get your brother to come over for the whole time, whereas if the weddings are further apart then he may have to choose which one to attend (unless money is no object) which would be horrible.

You just have to accept that this is what you are working with and work with it.

maddy68 · 19/04/2014 09:34

Hmmm can see both sides here. You haven't set a date yet, so is your mum just supposed to hang around awaiting for you to announce one?
But as your relatives are abroad they won't be able to afford ( or get the holidays) twice in one year. If I were you I would make mine later, do it the following year when you know you can afford it

CrystalBeth · 19/04/2014 09:35

YABU. I'm shocked that you think your wedding is more important because it's your first wedding and you've been with your DP longer. August 2015 is not a firm date, and you have nothing booked, does your mum even know you were thinking Aug 2015?
If your so desperate to claim the attention for the whole summer, could you not wait until 2016?

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:38

Yes she knows
She has nothing booked either!
I am not desperate to claim the attention for the whole summer just miffed will have to be within a week of each other or I will have to wait another year

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 09:41

I can see this would be frustrating tbh.
If it weren't for the overseas guests I wouldn't think that two weddings in the same year was a problem at all. But if ppl are going to come to both weddings then you and DM need a plan.

It was clear to me btw that you were referring to your own wedding when you said it should be "all about us". And it should.
Could you elope? Grin

slithytove · 19/04/2014 09:41

I do feel for you. It's good your mum hasn't purposely done this as she didn't realise you had agreed on August 15, it's just coincidental bad timing.

I do understand completely your reasoning about not being able to have 2 weddings 3 months apart with all the overseas guests you want, so sympathise there. Do you know for a fact your mum doesn't want something small without many people?

I would say wait and see if and when she books, and then base your date around your finances and guest availablilty. Once you agree on a date, send out save the date cards - inexpensive and don't require a financial commitment but you can do over a year in advance if needed.

This doesn't mean you are playing second fiddle to her wedding, more that you are making sure your guests are available. Which is the norm for people you really want to share the day with you!

Remember your logic that you are miffed you have to plan your day around her wedding when it should be about you and your DP does apply to her too. It doesn't matter how long you have been engaged. Anyway as I said plan it around guest availablilty rather than your mums wedding.

You aren't being a bridezilla :)

if you wanted to be a real bridezilla wait for her to announce her date and do yours the week before

patienceisvirtuous · 19/04/2014 09:43

Not keen on the attitude of 'thunder being stolen' - v bridezilla-ish. Or that your mum's wedding is less important because it's her second and she's been with her partner less time than you and your DP Hmm

Anyway, you've received good advice on here. Personally I think have them both close together - double the fun and more convenient for relatives.

Preciousbane · 19/04/2014 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 19/04/2014 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaye · 19/04/2014 09:45

OP - your marriage is obviously very important to you. Totally understandable. But a wedding isn't that expensive - just the cost of the license, a new outfit etc - so why not get married sooner rather than later? Like this summer, rather than next? Okay, so some of your far-flung relatives might not be able to attend, but their thoughts will be with you on the day.
On the other hand, if you've been waiting so long because you want a huge and expensive wedding, why not wait a year longer and get married in 2016? Another year will let you save up even more and that way your mum can get married.
I guess you have to decided if getting married is your priority or have a "unique" wedding.
Good luck!!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 09:45

Actually. I seriously think you should elope.
You can have a beautiful day with just you and your DP/ DH. Plus a romantic honeymoon with absolutely no hassle about guests, invites, gifts, awkward relatives, plus-ones, kids or no kids.

Oh how I wish we had done that
And no fucking "reception- party" shit when you get back either.
Just a cute venue, a fabulous dress, champagne and a spankingly good wedding night.

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:48

Thanks. Some good advice on this thread .

OP posts:
rootypig · 19/04/2014 09:48

It was clear to me btw that you were referring to your own wedding when you said it should be "all about us".

Me too. But it's not about her and DP is it? it's about OP, DP, DM, DB, DAunts....! that is what I am trying to say. Concentrate on the person and the marriage, OP. Big fancy weddings are dull as fuck anyway

rootypig · 19/04/2014 09:49

a wedding isn't that expensive - just the cost of the license, a new outfit etc - so why not get married sooner rather than later? Like this summer, rather than next?

Marvellous!

maras2 · 19/04/2014 09:51

Have a double wedding.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 09:53

Yes, this year is a good idea.
We planned our wedding in 3 months.

Or better still...... Elope.

diddl · 19/04/2014 09:57

I was also thinking why not this year if you've already been waiting a while?

I'm also not sure what the fact that you have been "waiting" longer has to do with anything-surely it's your decision to wait as it is your mum's not to.

I do agree with a pp about weddings close so that people can attend both.

TBH it might not be that appealing, a weeks holiday in UK to attend weddings!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 09:58

I dont knowthat it is about all those other ppl though.
Theyre such a bloody stress.and so expensive
And so many ppl don't actually really like weddings as a guest.
If you want a wedding and reception with food and drink in a nice venue it is going to cost a lot of money. And there's always going to be someone that gets pissed off, or angst about menus or gift lsts or bridesmaids.
£15k can easily be swallowed up even if you're trying to be sensible.
That could pay for a beautiful luxury wedding/ honeymoon for you and your DP. And no ppl bitching behind your back about dress codes or canapés or plus ones.

zippey · 19/04/2014 09:59

Maybe she will be annoyed that you are having your wedding so close to hers? She may be, seeing she had the date before you knew yours. Talk to her and arrange a compromise.

Why not have both your weddings together? Im sure Ive seen it in a soap.

hugoagogo · 19/04/2014 10:01

You could elope to australia?!

SystemIDUnknown · 19/04/2014 10:01

I would try and book them a week apart...your overseas rellies will probably thank you for it. It won't steal any thunder, especially if you have different venues.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 19/04/2014 10:01

But you can't announce it 6 months in advance for August this year. Sorry but I think you've left it a bit late, especially for people from Australia. Presuming any of them work, they'll need to book a couple of weeks off at least, as well as trying to find reasonable flights.

Tbh, expecting them to travel over at all is a huge ask, even a year after your mum's wedding. I'd plan it for whenever you like and presume some people won't make it.

rootypig · 19/04/2014 10:03

I dont knowthat it is about all those other ppl though.

Amanda I confess I'm confused by your post, OP has said as much?

Perhaps we are talking at cross purposes - anyway I agree with you that OP should worry less about having a big day, if this is how it makes her feel.

And so many ppl don't actually really like weddings as a guest.

Agreed!

3boys3dogshelp · 19/04/2014 10:03

I understand what you are saying but YABU to ask anyone to move their wedding for you, unless its already booked and they want the same day! Imagine if your mum agreed then something happened to her or her dp?? You would never forgive yourself.
If you are planning a big wedding honestly leaving it until 6 months before will not make it easier. A good friend of mine did this only to find she had to compromise on venue/photographer/florist etc etc because everywhere she wanted had already taken bookings for her day. She still got married and had a lovely day but she caused herself a load of unnecessary stress. Plan now then forget about it for a year!

angeltulips · 19/04/2014 10:03

Actually I do think that a child's first wedding should take priority over a mother's second wedding, as a general principle. (In general I think big second weddings are v v tacky, except for situations where the first marriage is abusive or otherwise oppressive. Always v jarring to hear people walk down the aisle and make teary lifetime promises to each other when you've heard them do the same thing to different people before!)

However here (a) you haven't talked to her about it and (b) you've been engaged for ages so she's in a bit of a no win situation. Personally I don't understand long engagements - either on your part or hers (why would she be waiting a year to get married second time round?) but surely one or both of you could do it a bit quicker?