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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum not to have her second wedding the same summer as my first?

101 replies

MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 08:53

Starting to hate all things wedding related argh! We plan to get married August 2015 but cannot book/announce it yet due to finances etc. my mum knows how I have been hoping for years to fix a date (well month/yr) and now have.

She has just told us her partner (who btw she got together with more recently than me and DP did) has proposed and they are thinking June 2015!

Aibu to ask her to reconsider the date (ideally the year) given we have lots of overseas relatives who will only be able to come over once in any given year? And given they will be announcing their engagement first, everyone will plan around their wedding?

Am prepared to be told I am a brat.. And no I do not want to have them at the same time (am I totally unreasonable to not want my mum to steal my thunder?)

OP posts:
rootypig · 19/04/2014 09:07

Plan them close together! it'll be a riot, something different, bring your family together, and you can have very different days. Your relatives will be delighted that they can be at both.

GemmaTeller · 19/04/2014 09:07

when it should be about me and my DP.

So everything between now and when you eventually decide to set a date should be about you and your DP?

Sorry, yabu and a bridezilla.

SanityClause · 19/04/2014 09:08

If your mother knew you were planning on the August date, before she chose the June date, I do think that's a bit off, actually.

If it weren't for the brother in Australia, it wouldn't be such issue. Can the overseas relatives stay with family when in the UK, or would it be hotels?

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:08

Nope Gemma that's not what I meant. Hmm

OP posts:
rootypig · 19/04/2014 09:09

But your wedding being about you and DP means exactly that. Not that you and DP get to tantrum / dictate for 12 - 18 months. It's a day. I know how lovely and important it is to have your loved ones there with you but your thread reads more like your mum trying to steal your thunder than find a way for you both to have the day you want.

rootypig · 19/04/2014 09:10

Madame I had the same reaction as Gemma

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 19/04/2014 09:11

Yanbu op. Explain things to your Mum and see what she says. Could she have a small wedding close to but after yours? I do think you get priority re choice of dates. Best of luck and congrats on your engagement

Blu · 19/04/2014 09:12

Have you talked with your Mum about it? Does she know you were thinking August? Have you talked about the implications of overseas family?

You have been planning and delaying for ages and still don't feel able to commit to sending invitations. Maybe she thinks she could be in the queue for ever!

I think you need to remind yourself to be happy for her, overjoyed, even, and discuss it with her, and come up with a happy solution.

aermingers · 19/04/2014 09:13

YABU, it's not fair to stop your Mum on a 'might do' when you have nothing booked. Your wedding may well go out to next year or the year after dependent on on money or
availability. Are you going to demand she doesn't get married that year either if that happens?

You will be surprised how quickly venues get booked too, you may struggle to get the places you want next year if you haven't booked by now.

Holland is not that far away these days either, or that expensive to travel from.

Really, this is your objection and as you have not made any plans or bookings yet if you really don't want to it's you who should move to 2016.

It is very bridezilla tbh.

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:14

I was hoping to avoid all the usual wedding drama by only announcing and planning it 6-9m before.

I don't expect to "tantrum" and demand all the attention on us for 12-18m before! I am actually happy for my mum Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:15

Mum has also not booked anything yet btw

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:16

My brother lives in Australia

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 09:17

Yabu. Holland is very close, flights are very cheap. I also think booking the weddings really close together isa good idea.

It really doesn't matter if your overseas relatives can't make it, it'll still be a special day for you and dp :)

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:18

We (me and my mum) are going to have a chat about it next weekend

I will not be demanding anything! Just want to discuss with her the implications - ie they need to be v close together or far apart (and yes I realise I might have to be the one to move later, but she might also be able to move earlier)

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:19

My brother is in Australia

OP posts:
Forgettable · 19/04/2014 09:21

Have you a favoured venue in mind? See how far booked up they are. I haven't experience of a big wedding - can you not book the venue, take mama ofc to see it beforehand. Then your nose will be in front

?

SuckingGin · 19/04/2014 09:21

I don't think any one couple takes precedence at all, first timers, second timers, old, young, whatever. Everyone getting married has a right to think it will work out for them and they also have a right to a nice wedding without having to consult other people about when they want to hold it.

That said, I do think that if your mum is a nice reasonable person and you get together with her and chat things over you might be able to come to some sort of arrangement which sees her getting married one Saturday, and you either the Saturday before or the Saturday after. Then the travelling relatives will be able to come and stay just over a week and be there for both. So you can both have nice Summer 2015 weddings and both have your loved ones there for it.

You do not have the right to ask her to wait until 2016 though. If you want the two weddings separated by a year then you have to be the one to wait.

rootypig · 19/04/2014 09:21

It's April 2104. You are on the internet asking if YABU about your wedding in (possibly) August 2015. OP as you plan and get more involved this feeling is only going to get worse. So take the advice, let it go now, or you will ruin your wedding for yourself. Glad you're happy for your mum Smile, try to put it into practice!

Practical stuff - announcing 6-9 mo before is actually a pita for you and for guests. You'll struggle with venues, caterers, all that stuff. Their travel will cost more and they may have booked other holidays. You shouldn't have to pay the whole whack up front upfront, so do your budget get some wedding insurance, book a venue, and send out your save the date - we did this by email.

Casmama · 19/04/2014 09:22

If you have been waiting years to actually book it then I can understand your mum not wanting to wait till you finally book it.
Decide whether you want to have your wedding within about a week of your mums to maximise foreign attendees or plan for 2016.

I can understand you feeling she is stealing your thunder but "years" is where it all becomes unreasonable.

HolidayCriminal · 19/04/2014 09:24

gosh, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity, if you could book the weddings close together in time (maybe a week apart) then it's a perfect opportunity for your joint relatives to have an especially wonderful visit. You might be able to book discounts on things like florists, DJ, etc.

Remember English schools are snotty about letting kids out on weekdays, so August might be better for both of you if you have any school-age kids you want to invite.

Netguru · 19/04/2014 09:25

Sorry. What has the fact that it is your DMs second wedding got to do with it? It is her first to her partner surely?

I remarried five years ago having married first twenty years earlier at 19 to a most unsuitable match. (We struggled through 19 years of marriage though). My second marriage was to my soul mate. My best friend. It was a 'real' wedding in that we adored each other and were old enough to do what we wanted rather than make others happy.

If my grown up child had a strop that I was marrying my soul mate the same YEAR as her I'd have ignored such immature tantruming. I agree guests crest issues but find a way to fix that like bringing the events close together rather than expect your Mum to put her life on hold for you. I bet she has done that a lot over your life but her wedding day is not something you should ask her to forgo.

drinkyourmilk · 19/04/2014 09:26

I think that having the two weddings a week apart or someone changing year would be best. Very unfair to ask your brother to choose between his mum and sister.

Fwiw I do understand where you are coming from. When it's something you've been looking forward to for a long time anything that seems to complicate or change your plans seems very unfair and upsetting. I hope it works out without anyone feeling like second fiddle or hard done to.

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:26

I've been waiting years to be able to have a firm date. Now we have decided on aug 2015. (V recently)

Yes as I've said up thread I realise if I can't cope with having them v close together I may have to move mine . At the same time I don't believe my mum is totally inflexible and may be able to do here earlier. I wouldn't ask her to wait for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameLeBean · 19/04/2014 09:26

Hers*

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 19/04/2014 09:32

Have you reserved a venue yet? There will already be a number of bookings for august 2015.

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