Grandmother and husband, what should i do and AIBU

[pinkpompomispretty]

Hi
Im hoping someone can help. I don't know if im being unreasonable or not. Tonight my hubby dropped my grandmother home after staying for some dinner. I see her 2-3 times a week and she is very attention seeking. Shes in her mid 60s a bit of a drama queen and always been a bit outspoken and to be completely honest a bit selfish. Anyway, my hubby gives her a lift home each week and she is often very flirtatious and over friendly. Tonight she started discussing very personal things with him about her sex life, saying how her husband doesn't/cant perform she isn't satisfied, how he isnt "big enough" for her, how he has to take Viagra etc. Obviously my hubby was very embarrassed and didn't really know what to say. This isnt the first time she has got on like this though it isnt usually as bad. Most weeks she flirty but I ignore it. A while ago she said to my husband whilst I was out of the room about how "inexperienced" I was (not that she would or could ever know) and how he needed someone with a bit more experience and rubbed his leg- to which he got up and left the room. Am I unreasonable to be really upset by her behaviour. Im currently 32 weeks pregnant and just feel its so disrespectful for her to say these things and act this way. She knows perfectly well what she is doing and acts very young for her age. Just don't know how to approach this situation.
Thanks

Of course YANBU.
Why on earth do you think you are?
Tell your husband to tell her she is out of order, tell her yourself when you next see her and make sure your mum or dad (whichever sides she's from) also know - this is utterly ridiculous and why would you even allow her to be around you or your family.

Ew ew ew you need to protect your husband don't ever ask him to have any time alone with her and have a firmword telling her how horrible that is.

If she continues stop seeing her.

I didn't know if it was my pregnancy hormones making me feel upset. I feel more angry as I don't know how to confront her about it as its such an awkward situation. I didn't know if I was being unreasonable as didn't know if some people would tell me to laugh it off as shes an older women but I just find it really humiliating all round to be honest.

FFS she's your grandma/nan.. whatever.

Is this a joke? Did you really think that you have no right to comment.

Throw her sorry arse out of your house next time she shows up and be glad that's the end of it.

She has been flirty in front of me but never done any of the above in front of me or anyone else. She always waits until she is alone, say if iv nipped to the toilet or on the drive home when hubby drops her off after dinner. The more I think about it the more angry I feel. Shes a very dramatic kind of a person and if I fall out with her she will go around spreading gossip and lies about me and how awful iv been to her, without telling people why. Just feel really fed up with it all.

She sounds like a nasty perv...sorry!

Of course YANBU. She's bang out of order. And a little bit weird. If you don't feel you can tell her directly to stop it could you mention it to your mum or dad and get then to say something?

Sometimes disinhibition can be a sign of dementia, but if she's otherwise mentally OK and usually a bit disinhibited I'd just start making it clear this sort of behaviour isn't on with comments like
"TMI granny!" and telling her the flirtation is OTT and embarrassing.
If she has a husband why do you need to see her 3 times a week? If you don't enjoy her company I'd cut it back a bit as she has other people to socialise with.

Tell her to fuck off.

If this is true then she is a total bitch, go nuclear she deserves to know your dh tells you everything and how ridiculous you both find her attention seeking behavior.

I wouldn't worry about the gossip. People who are really your friends and close relatives will listen to your side of the story and maybe know what she's like anyway. people who will judge you without hearing your side aren't worth having as friends so their opinion of you is unimportant.
Sometimes you have to be prepared to not be universally loved to stop being walked over.

Grandma?

As in...your Grandma?

Yanbu Yanbu Yanbu Yanbu!

Yes as in my grandmother. She is definitely not suffering with dementia. She has done similar years ago with my mothers then boyfriend. She insists on coming up 3 times a week to see me and my ds and my mum (her daughter) me and my mum don't live together but are very close and live a few roads apart. If I do anything with my mother and she isnt included then she will say how selfish I am etc etc. So I see her 3 times a week as otherwise she says she old and lonely. Don't know what to do with her anymore and feel really bad for her husband who would be mortified if she knew about how she got on.

As soon as she says something inappropriate, your DH needs to be ready with a couple of lines to say repeatedly, like 'this isn't something I'm comfortable talking about with you' or ' please stop doing that I don't like it'. No apologies and definitely no backing down.

Why is this woman round your house so often when she's such a nightmare??

You can back off from her you know. It's totally OK to choose not to spend time with someone who is abusing your hospitality.

If she's dramatic and inappropriate anyway, her tantrums or whatever she'll cook up if you challenge her, will be childs play compared to what you have to put up with now.

Does she know what she's doing though? Is this a behaviour that she's always had, or is it a bit new? Might it have developed over time, and just hasn't been noticed or previously put down to just her personality?

If yes - if it does seem new, I'd consider chatting with your parents and seeing if it might be worth seeing a GP or something.

She might just be lonely as well (and we all have needs, whether we like to think about it or not - maybe that "need" isn't being fulfilled). Loneliness can be dealt with as a family (social activities, voluntary work, etc) but sexual frustration would really need extra help, it's beyond what you can help with and not really the role of your parents either.

Whether it's new or not, medical or not, I'd try first pointing it out firmly and from then on, ignoring and distraction.

E.g. Granny mentions that her husband's trying Viagra - "OK Gran. Now, what have you planned for Sunday? We thought about taking the dog for a walk.." etc.

Avoid giving her the chance to rub your husband at all - have him sit next to you, her on the other sofa, he goes to make the coffee and she stays with you (where possible).

I would give the lifts home with just him and her a miss if possible, even if both of you have to go.. I wouldn't be jumping at sending her on the bus or something (she sounds a bit vulnerable), but perhaps given how pregnant you are, you could suggest that the regular visits to yours stop soon (maybe you're too tired? need rest?), to be started up maybe once the baby's born? Or if possible arrange only to see her at your parents' and then they can deal with the lifts home?

You're absolutely not unreasonable - sounds a very uncomfortable situation all round, but I would consider the fact that there might be other reasons for this behaviour beyond just being vindictive/selfish, however much it seems like she is.

This doesn't sound right. Is this fairly new behaviour? Does she drink? Is she on medication?

I think you and your DH need to speak to your parents about it.

Sorry - missed your post r.e. not dementia!

I do agree with others - there's no obligation here, and it is up to you whether you want to see her or not. You don't have to allow her to visit and you shouldn't feel guilty if you don't want her round.

I would confide in your Mum and ask her to help as you feel understandably awkward.

Good lord!

I am honestly opened mouthed in shock. She sounds a compete piece of work.

Give your DH licence to tell her straight. If that doesn't work, you tell her.

Is she well?

If an OPs FIL was behaving like this pink, it'd be easy to come to the conclusion that the bloke was getting off on the control they had to behave so outrageously and nobody dare tackle them about it.

It's not OK for your DH to be forced to spend time with this woman.

What does he think you should do?

How does your GM 'insist' on coming round? And what's the problem with her saying she's old and lonely, anyone she says it to who knows how she is will obviously know the reason why, it won't reflect on you.

Odd question but...was she very attractive when younger? Used to getting a lot of male attention? She may be finding ageing difficult. It does not excuse her behaviour in any way but that could be why she is doing it. Obviously she still needs to be told.

She has always been like this. Definitely not dementia or anything like that. She works, has other friends, does other things she enjoys. This with my husband is just the tip of the iceberg in things she has done over the years. I cant go with hubby to drop her home as I already have a ds who is disabled and is in bed by the time she goes home. Have a lot on my plate at the min and to be completely honest this is the last thing I want to deal with right now, but feel like if I don't (as iv let it go before) then im giving her a pass to keep doing it, and don't feel like its fair on my husband. Think I am going to speak to my mum about it tomorrow (its my mums mum) and see what she says about it. She isnt on any medication and other than her age, is fit and well with no medical issues whatsoever.

Alternatively you could gift her a marital aide and say she should have no further reason to discuss her issues with your husband.

My dh is very embarrassed by it all. Hes quite shy by nature and don't think he would feel able to say anything to her. But doesn't feel like he can stop giving her a lift home without getting into the reason why, which he knows will cause a massive family argument and doesn't want to be called a liar either (which I know he isnt-and fully know what my grandmother is like so am not surprised at all- as I said my gm actually tried to kiss my mums then boyfriend- this was 20 years ago but just making the point she has always been like this and my husband isnt lying.)