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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandmother and husband, what should i do and AIBU

71 replies

pinkpompomispretty · 18/04/2014 23:16

Hi
Im hoping someone can help. I don't know if im being unreasonable or not. Tonight my hubby dropped my grandmother home after staying for some dinner. I see her 2-3 times a week and she is very attention seeking. Shes in her mid 60s a bit of a drama queen and always been a bit outspoken and to be completely honest a bit selfish. Anyway, my hubby gives her a lift home each week and she is often very flirtatious and over friendly. Tonight she started discussing very personal things with him about her sex life, saying how her husband doesn't/cant perform she isn't satisfied, how he isnt "big enough" for her, how he has to take Viagra etc. Obviously my hubby was very embarrassed and didn't really know what to say. This isnt the first time she has got on like this though it isnt usually as bad. Most weeks she flirty but I ignore it. A while ago she said to my husband whilst I was out of the room about how "inexperienced" I was (not that she would or could ever know) and how he needed someone with a bit more experience and rubbed his leg- to which he got up and left the room. Am I unreasonable to be really upset by her behaviour. Im currently 32 weeks pregnant and just feel its so disrespectful for her to say these things and act this way. She knows perfectly well what she is doing and acts very young for her age. Just don't know how to approach this situation.
Thanks

OP posts:

Lookingforfocus · 19/04/2014 08:42

Grandma has a lot of control in your family if this behavior is brushed under the carpet, are you scared of her?

diddl · 19/04/2014 08:57

Isn't what to do simple?
Stop letting her in your house, she's assaulting your husband!

kungfupannda · 19/04/2014 08:58

You need to stop the visits asap so that there is no need for your poor husband to be on the receiving end of sexual harassment and possibly assaults.

If this was a male relative harassing a younger woman, I don't suppose anyone would be advocating trying to get to the bottom of why it's happening - you'd be being advised to stop all contact asap.

Out of interest, was she a very young parent? From the age gap, she and your mother must both have been around 17, or one must have been older and the other extremely young. Is it possible that she was sexualised from a very early age for some reason?

I'm not suggesting that this is an excuse, or that you entertain using it to excuse her behaviour, but if that's the case, it's probably extremely ingrained, and you're unlikely to get anywhere by simply telling her it needs to stop. Protect yourself and your husband. She doesn't need to be at your house multiple times a week. That level of contact is something that is appropriate for people who behave well and are welcome in a relative's house - not for someone who is there on sufferance as they can't keep their hands to themselves.

maddy68 · 19/04/2014 09:32

It is probably her misguided sense of humour. However it's upsetting Both you and your dh. Tine for a proper talk. Tell her she must stop as it's cringe worthy for both of you and if she continues the visits will stop.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 19/04/2014 09:41

Ever thought of going on Jeremy Kyle?!

Ewweee your family sound, err, choice

YANBU

2rebecca · 19/04/2014 09:45

Why can't she walk home? I'd probably have moved further away if my family were like this (I moved away and my family are nice with proper grannyish grannies).
You all sound too entwined and too concerned about what other people think. Of course she won't get lonely if she's not constantly coming round, she has a husband. 3 times a week is too often for any visitor for me, let alone a self centred disinhibited granny. Be prepared to be unpopular and start socialising more outwith your extended family to break their hold on you.

TheCraicDealer · 19/04/2014 09:56

Agree with KungFu and others- if she's always been like this she's highly unlikely to change, so questioning 'why' is pointless. The fact is she's coming over three times a week and during those visits makes your husband feel uncomfortable at best, sexually assaults him at worst. I don't want to be the dickhead that says, "if the genders were reversed", but if a female OP was in your DH's position she'd be advised to take a strong line, refuse to socialise with the relative in question and anything other than 100% support from her partner would be completely unacceptable.

I would tell your mum about what's happening, phrasing it as, "we all know DGM has always been a bit over friendly with DH, but I've noticed she's getting worse and worse". That way it becomes less like it's DH's word against your Nan's. Then I'd ask DH how he wants to deal with it- does he want to see her again? Does he want to cut the amount of time she's at your house?

A new baby will give you plenty of excuses not to have her over, although she probably won't accept them. Whatever you do, you definitely have to stop the lifts home. A non-confrontational way to get our of this would be to have DH have a glass or two of wine or beer and order her a cab.

Caitlin17 · 19/04/2014 09:59

The visits three times a week in themselves would be bad enough. Just stop them. She sounds awful.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 10:01

If she can't behave herself, she'll have to make her own way home. Or just stop having her over.

Get in there first and tell everyone why you're not inviting her over, why wait for her to spread lies.

This is totally unfair on your dh, what if this was you and his grandfather, you would all be screaming from the rooftops about what a pervasive he was, why is this any different? Stand up for your dh. Ffs

diddl · 19/04/2014 10:02

Isn' this a situation where the husband should be able to say "I don't want any more contact/they're not welcome here-you do what you want"?

Original poster

pinkpompomispretty · 19/04/2014 10:03

Hi everyone
Thanks for all ur comments. Feel much more clear headed about everything after having a good nights sleep. I cant really let her walk home as its a 20 min car journey but I don't feel like I should accompany her in the car just to prevent her behaviour, as don't really feel like im tackling the issue. Im going to stop seeing her, make it once a week at my mums. I will speak to my mum about it today. I have thought previously by her behaviour that she is a narcissist- to many things to list but by her treatment of my mum and all her children and have said to my mum before that im cutting away from her but somehow she always manages to worm her way back in. She was extremely jealous when I fell pregnant with ds1 and tried to cause a lot of trouble between me and hubby and between my mum and hubby and when I was very ill in intensive care in hospital for three weeks never bothered to see how me or ds1 was, even though prior to this I still saw her three times a week and she lives 10 mins from the hospital. She is most jealous of mine and my mums relationship as we live a few roads away from each other and we see each other most days as she helps me with ds1 whilst I go to work and I usually stay for a quick cup of tea and we are very close. Im just going to see her only when I have to and when she asks why, which she will, im going to remain calm and just tell her the truth.

OP posts:

WickedWitchoftheNorthWest · 19/04/2014 10:08

Three times a week is excessive anyway I think. If you want to keep seeing her then maybe cut it down to once a week and she can take a taxi there and back? If she doesn't like that then tough, she can't come. Don't let her push you and your husband around anymore - this is ridiculous!

Hissy · 19/04/2014 10:08

No more visits. Let her kick off!

Tell her that making inappropriate conversation with your H won't be allowed to happen again, and that you don't want her around you or your family.

Tell her she's revolting, creepy, inappropriate, leering etc. Tell her what you think and don't hold back. she doesn't deserve any reverence just because she has a title of grandmother.

Afterall, she doesn't seem to have any respect for her daughter OR her granddaughter.

What happens when your son's old enough?

Hissy · 19/04/2014 10:12

Cross post! Good to hear you've found calm and are going to stop visits.

Don't give her lifts, call a cab and let her pay for it. If she questions it tell her that she doesn't get to sexually abuse your H and get lifts from him or anyone else.

Be utterly open and matter of fact about it, don't hide it, don't be ashamed of it, SHE did this, not you. She needs her behaviour exposing, not kept a secret.

2rebecca · 19/04/2014 11:28

If she lives a 20 min car journey away and doesn't drive then it's easier to handle as you stop inviting her round and don't go and pick her up and your husband develops things he has to go to if she visits so there is no-one to take her home so she stops visiting. It sounds like her husband is the one who gets lonely if she leaves him at home. A 40 minute round trip just to drop her off is alot of time out of your husband's evening anyway if he works and has kids

sarinka · 19/04/2014 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wolfwhistler · 19/04/2014 14:46

Dor! Is that you from gavin and Stacey lol

Lookingforfocus · 19/04/2014 15:14

I was thinking of Doris as well wolfwhistler!

LadyRabbit · 19/04/2014 15:14

God OP, this is a horrible situation for you to deal with. Bloody hell. You absolutely have to say something, as much for your own sanity as for your DH.

This is by no means making excuses for her behaviour, but may I ask OP, was your Gran quite young when she had your Mum? It just reminds me of the behaviour of someone I know who had her kids very young and never got to have a flirty youth but became increasingly sex obsessed as she got older, embarrassingly so. I think sometimes if someone hasn't been able to get that behaviour out of their system at a point in their youth in kind of stunts their social development. Just a thought.

Poor you!

GoblinLittleOwl · 19/04/2014 15:36

Your husband has to deal with this; you are pregnant and in a vulnerable state and shouldn't have to be protecting him from an embarrassing and vulgar older woman. Stop the weekly visits; your pregnancy is a perfect excuse as you need to rest; she is far too embedded in your life and clearly will make a fuss when confronted, but can't be allowed to disrupt your family in this way. All your family, including her husband, must be aware of her tiresome behaviour and need to stop placating her. Do you really think other people would believe her if she started spreading unpleasant stories about you?

2rebecca · 19/04/2014 17:36

I disagree that this is the husband's problem to deal with, she isn't his granny. Yes he should have said something when she started being lewd but in general if MILs are being a pain we complain if husbands don't back their wives up and here the OP needs to back up her husband although it sounds as though backing off generally is the best idea as she sounds tiresome and time consuming.
Why is the OP in a vunerable state? I thought she was just pregnant.

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