Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandmother and husband, what should i do and AIBU

71 replies

pinkpompomispretty · 18/04/2014 23:16

Hi
Im hoping someone can help. I don't know if im being unreasonable or not. Tonight my hubby dropped my grandmother home after staying for some dinner. I see her 2-3 times a week and she is very attention seeking. Shes in her mid 60s a bit of a drama queen and always been a bit outspoken and to be completely honest a bit selfish. Anyway, my hubby gives her a lift home each week and she is often very flirtatious and over friendly. Tonight she started discussing very personal things with him about her sex life, saying how her husband doesn't/cant perform she isn't satisfied, how he isnt "big enough" for her, how he has to take Viagra etc. Obviously my hubby was very embarrassed and didn't really know what to say. This isnt the first time she has got on like this though it isnt usually as bad. Most weeks she flirty but I ignore it. A while ago she said to my husband whilst I was out of the room about how "inexperienced" I was (not that she would or could ever know) and how he needed someone with a bit more experience and rubbed his leg- to which he got up and left the room. Am I unreasonable to be really upset by her behaviour. Im currently 32 weeks pregnant and just feel its so disrespectful for her to say these things and act this way. She knows perfectly well what she is doing and acts very young for her age. Just don't know how to approach this situation.
Thanks

OP posts:
olgaga · 19/04/2014 00:02

Cross posted. perhaps you and your DH need to speak to her next time and tell her if she can't stop this behaviour she'll no longer be welcome. I'm sure your mum will understand if she's experienced it herself.

AgentZigzag · 19/04/2014 00:07

Have you ever given her an ultimatum?

Either you pack it in or you're not welcome.

You need to be confident saying it and know you're in the right, and just keep repeating the same simple phrases to everything she throws at you.

It's not fair of her to add to what's on your plate, she's intruding, and it's maybe not that you don't want her there, you just don't want her to behave in such a disrespectful way towards you and your DH.

You are in the right, you have to believe that.

Milmingebag · 19/04/2014 00:07

I think I would calmly tell her that her behaviour is deeply inappropriate. List the things she has done. Ask heron future to get a taxi home as you and DH are now too busy with the children's bedtime routine. I would also cut down her visits dramatically.

Milmingebag · 19/04/2014 00:10

Another approach might be to speak to her husband under the guise of being concerned about her mental health owing to how inappropriate her conduct has been of late.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/04/2014 00:25

Eh?

How old are you that your grandma is only in her 60's?

Is this a joke?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/04/2014 00:25

Of course she hasn't got mental health issues or dementia.

She's in her 60's !!

Original poster
pinkpompomispretty · 19/04/2014 00:27

Im 26 and no its not a joke, thanks everyone for your constructive comments

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 19/04/2014 06:36

Why does she come 3x a week and leave her husband? Could he come too then your dh isn't on his own taking her back.

Coukd dh stay home and you take her back? Or could your mum stay with ds and you both take her back.
You're about to have another baby. I'd say now that you're too tired to do this so often snd need to cut it all down to once a week for a start.

yellowdinosauragain · 19/04/2014 06:40

Laurie so people in their 60s can't have mental health issues, dementia or be grandparents now then? Hmm

Op you are definitely nbu. But if your dh is uncomfortable with this situation you would be unreasonable to expect him to have to continue giving her lifts in a situation where he is effectively being sexually harassed.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/04/2014 06:46

Ok, so you need to do something now or this will continue.

Escorting her everywhere does seem a little extreme. You need to decide on whether you continue to have her over so often.

Do you get much out of her visits apart from stress?

Lookingforfocus · 19/04/2014 06:59

It's obviously not dementia because she's controlling when she behaves this way.

She sounds like a raging Narcissicist. Everything is all about her and what she wants, OP is "selfish" if grandma is not included etc. It's quite typical for Narcisscists to be very aware of image and how they look and to want attention from others. It sounds like you get on well with your mum and your mum is not like your grandma. I would talk to your mum and ask how she copes. You, DH and your mum need to have a united front and find ways to cut down her manipulation of you all. My guess is if she gets called-out on her bahaviour she won't be embarrassed she will be furious that anyone has the cheek to think they can tell her what to do.

OP read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and tell us if it sounds familiar. What kind of realtionship do your mum and grandma have? Does your grandma have any friends? Does she have a history of broken relationships and upsetting/annoying people?

MaryWestmacott · 19/04/2014 07:12

She is only in her 60s and still working, she is not a vulnerable old lady! Stop treating like one, if she's lonely, at that age, it's probably her own fault for treating other friends/friends DHs like this!

I'd tell her no, she can't come over, you don't want to see her for a while due to her behaviour towards DH. Perhaps see her at your mums to start with to see if she's prepared to alter her behaviour.

If she's still fit and able to work, she's fit and able to get herself home, make that clear before she arrives.

Sounds like your whole family have been conditioned to accept her unacceptable behaviour, I can't imagine many daughters would forgive their mum for kissing their DP...

Whocansay · 19/04/2014 07:29

I understand that you don't want a row, but this is really creepy. I'm cringing on your husband's behalf. You should be sticking up for him.

You have to tell you grandmother that her behaviour is inappropriate and is making you all feel very uncomfortable and she is not welcome unless she stops doing it. By all means pretend that her behaviour is a 'joke'. It isn't.

Can you imagine how you'd feel if your dh's grandfather was coming on to you? Yuk!

Aventurine · 19/04/2014 07:30

Even without the flirting she doesn't sound nice. I don't understand why you see her so much. I wouldn't have her over at all

Ronmione · 19/04/2014 07:35

Your poor dh how horrible for him to have an older family member come on to him. You must say something to her. I'm mean she perving over him and nothing being said! Tell get to get out of your house with her unwanted sexual advances.

Put yourself in dh shoes and think how you would feel if his grandad was rubbin your leg.

Lookingforfocus · 19/04/2014 07:39

Narcisscists do not have true empathy for others so she probably doesn't care how any of you feel but she will manipulate your kindness to feel sorry for her and to get what she wants. Narcisscists want attention so they can mimic others and behave in socially acceptable ways if they think it will get them attention (this doesn't come from true empathy however, so the mask can slip quite easily). They also love to be around people with status or those they think get the most attention so they can reflect in their glory.

It's quite unusual for someone to abandon their spouse three times a week to hang out with family, my guess is she sees the center of gravity in the family focussing more on your mum and you and DH. She couldn't bear missing out on anything that would involve other people getting attention for something so she has to be in the middle of it.

This need for attention is called Narcisscistic Supply and Narcisscists are happy to get their supply in any form, attention for bad behavior is just as good as attention for good. Imagine you are dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity of a six year old. Narcisscists love any kind of drama and they don't mind creating it. She will quite probably enjoy the fact that you all are shocked and appalled at her bahaviour if she gets attention, so if you confront her keep the conversation short and sweet. Make it clear that she will no longer be invited or welcome if she carries on. Rejection is a Narcissists worst fear so she may shape up.

Have you talked to your mum about your grandma's bahaviour? If not I would and ask your mum if she thinks her mother has any real empathy and understanding for her. Finding out about your grandma's history with others will be very revealing.

exWifebeginsat40 · 19/04/2014 07:48

lolling hard at the thought of a 'marital aid'...

Lookingforfocus · 19/04/2014 07:50

Also don't expect an apology, I will be amazed if one is forthcoming. The lack of an apology and remorse will tell you a lot (of course, she may be sorry she was caught but that's not the same). Be prepared for her to somehow make this someone else's fault. She will avoid responsibility if she is a Narc.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/04/2014 08:01

I like the idea of hosting a big Easter Sunday dinner with everyone who knows around the table and presenting her with a marital aid because she can't keep her hands off everyone else's men. Signed: everyone.

Lookingforfocus · 19/04/2014 08:01

I would start setting strong boundaries now if you realise that she does seem Narcisstic because she will want to be all over your new baby because of course that is where all the family attention will be focussed. She will most likely also be jealous of the baby because of the attention too so will blow hot and cold. It's not what you need.

CerealMom · 19/04/2014 08:05

When the baby comes you'll have a reason not to have her over x3 each week. Can't your DM host? That's if you don't want to confront her.

UriGeller · 19/04/2014 08:10

YANBU.

My DF can sometimes be a bit too near the knuckle (about his own gfs, not me!) but he's always been like this (irreverent sense of humour, childish toilet humour etc) and I'm able to tell him he's being inappropriate or to "shut up. Now" if I don't want to hear his exploits.

Poor you though, it sounds very UNfunny and your DH needs to tell her shes acting inappropriately and in no uncertain terms, to button it. Now. It'll force her to deal with her behaviour instead of it being tolerated.

meditrina · 19/04/2014 08:20

Well, you can have dementia in your 60s. But if she has always been like this, then that is unlikely.

And that also means she isn't gong to change.

It's your family, so you need to work out what you are going to do. I'd risk the rows and facilitate DH refusing to give her lifts and making it as hard as possible for her to ever be alone with him. If necessary and if he requests it, then no contact for a while.

Andanotherthing123 · 19/04/2014 08:21

Please stand up to this bully - if it was DH's grandfather touching you up and being flirty, would you expect DH to keep inviting him over 3 times a week? You and your DH deserve better.

pluCaChange · 19/04/2014 08:28

Please protect your husband from her! How would you feel if he had an elderly relative, whom you had to give 3x-weekly lifts to, even though he groped you in the car, after leering at you all suppertime? And if your husband told you that he wouldn't stop the visits because of what the old git would say? Confused

Whatever your GM says can't be as stressful as this.

Also, you didn't mention the nature of your DS's special needs, but if he is very dependent, you might not be used to the mental effort of maintaining behavioural boundaries (definitely needed for most DC when they get independent enough to assert themselves). You will Smile need to get used to setting and maintaining boundaries, and dealing with tantrums, when DC2 comes along and grows up, so why not start practicing on her?! If you suffer from guilt, just remember the paradox: "hate the sin, love the sinner" : that's how I sometimes feel about my children!

Swipe left for the next trending thread