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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let DS wear a dress

95 replies

Bigmrsdragon · 18/04/2014 20:58

Okay so a bit of background
I have 4 DCs we adopted DS2 when he was 3 and at age 5 he really loved a Disney princess dress the yellow one from beauty and the beast his favourite character. He would only wear it in the house but he loved it and he still has it in the wardrobe.
DS3 was 3 when DS2 was 5 and he also had a dress because he wanted one like his brother. DS3 was more confident and he was more than happy to wear his dress outside and go out with his doll and pram etc.

Fast forward to now DS3 is now 5 and he still loves his dresses and parks and dolls for Easter he wants a new Disney dress (like the one from Brave) I have said yes and I have already bought it for him for Sunday. He wants to wear it on Sunday to go to the PILs house and again I have said he can because why not if it makes him happy.

Now the problem is SIL who I have posted about before we have different styles to parenting hers is more controlled whereas I am more relaxed. She asked PILs if her DCS could take their new Easter things up on Sunday and PILs said it was fine as DS3 was coming in his dress so my DCs won't be left out.

She has called me in tears saying I am a horrible mother and my DCs will be "mentally fucked up" she said DS2 was one thing but at least he is adopted so I had an excuse but DS3 had a chance to be normal and I have wrecked him.
I told her that she was a horrible women saying that about my children and I hung up. DH phoned PILs and told them what had happened and said that we couldn't come down for Easter all together in case SIL kicks off again.
PILs are gutted as they love all their grandchildren. So we rearranged everything so we are there at lunch and SIL is there at dinner time.

SIL keeps sending me texts with links to children who have wore dresses and are now gay and she seems to think that it bothers me or that I will love my DS less if he was gay. I have ignored her but I am really upset by her attitude.

Is it that uncommon? Should I let DS3 wear what he wants or should I just let him wear it in the house? What would you think if you saw him in a dress?

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 18/04/2014 21:16

She's an utter moron. Wearing a dress as a child is not going to make him gay. If he's gay, then it's because he was born gay. He could start wearing a cape. It wouldn't make him Superman.

He could choose to dress in the most masculine clothes available and be gay. Or he could choose to dress as Minnie Mouse everyday and be heterosexual.

DontCallMeBaby · 18/04/2014 21:16

TBH if I saw a 5yo boy in a dress I would almost certainly mistake him for a girl with short hair (assuming he has short hair, if he has long hair I'd assume he was a girl!) You don't get much in the way of gender cues at that age bar hair styles and what they're wearing.

Your SIL's comments about your adopted DS versus your non-adopted DS are vile OP, she's the one who's fucked up, not you or your kids.

mummy1973 · 18/04/2014 21:16

Keep ignoring her. That is all she deserves.

Martorana · 18/04/2014 21:17

What sort of links are these she's sending you? I've never seen anything about little boys in dresses growing up to be gay. But I've never seen a little boy past the age of about 3 in a dress anyway.

So it must be something else that makes people gay!

EugenesAxe · 18/04/2014 21:18

at your SIL's awful comments. 'At least he is adopted'?!

I don't want to come across as a mega hippy/ self-righteous Liberal type but I would suggest that he'd be more fucked up mentally if he wanted to do these things and you told him it was wrong or inappropriate.

Homophobia is still very prevalent in society and manifests this way often. I'm with you; I can't imagine ever not loving my DCs for being gay but I have genuinely lovely friends that have admitted they'd struggle with the idea if it happened to them; mainly due to influence from their parents in their youth. I think boys playing with dresses IS normal and it may mean a child will be gay, but I bet there are tons of cases when boys with a penchant for skirts have grown up to be heterosexual.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2014 21:19

Dont

The comments about the op's DS2 have really bothered me, in fact I find them worse than all her creating about DS3 wearing this coma time dress. He is adopted so 1) not part of the family 2) damaged goods? What disgusting things to say/insidiously infer about him.

How op has remained calm about that I don't know. I would go absolutely bonkers. Red mist style rage.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2014 21:20

Ahem costume not coma time. I'll learn not to type at speed and post without checking one day!

ParkingFred · 18/04/2014 21:20

Absolutely, let him wear whatever the heck he likes.

My parents were always a bit narrow minded when my boys were v small, so I made a point of making sure their nails were always painted when they visited them.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 18/04/2014 21:23

DS2's favourite colour at that age was pink, and he loved dressing up in 'girl's' stuff. At 5/6/7 he used to take My Little Pony's to school, and despite being warned on here by a few people that we were asking for trouble by letting him do it, no children at school cared at all. It's always adults that get all twitchy about it. He's now 13 and far prefers orange, but still likes quirky stuff (plus zombies, film making and sassy superheroes such as Kitty Pryde and Archangel) Couldn't give a stuff if he's gay or not. I don't know if he is, tbh I don't think he thinks about that sort of thing yet. His business anyway.

Original poster

Bigmrsdragon · 18/04/2014 21:24

Yes I do have a Ddaughter who is 11 though I don't really think it's relevant because I am not pushing anything on my son it is his choice and he also likes cars and trains and monsters inc.

I guess it is more dress up than my DS going to get a 'proper dress' from the shops.

SILs girls are allowed to wear trousers but they don't have cars and stuff and the her DS can't have anything pink.

OP posts:

hiccupgirl · 18/04/2014 21:27

My 4 yr old DS has a witches dress and a fairy dress with wings. He adores them and happily wears them around the house and with his friends. He spends most of his life using the witches dress to be Elsa from Frozen at the mo.

Yes he is becoming more aware of other people making comments and I've had some very rude comments from adults when he's gone out in one of his costumes.

I would let your DS3 wear the dresses if that's what he wants. I know with my DS it is his choice and it is what he likes. If it turns out he's gay, it's because that's who he is, not because I let him wear a bloody dress at 4 or 5.

Your SIL sounds very unpleasant especially with her comments out your DS2.

whatcolour · 18/04/2014 21:29

90% of clothing in our house is gender neutral. My DS and DD share toys and are close in age.
However, my DS has spend all day in a girls (his sisters) Peppa Pig T shirt ( twirly with flowers and pink). My DD has spent all day in his George peppa Tshirt. She looked fine in unisex tshirt. He looked totally adorable and cute in girly get up - actually he could have passed as a little girl with short hair. Both were very very happy. I was happy. They played together all day. Its a piece of clothing. They are little kids. Nothing else matters.

Thetimes123 · 18/04/2014 21:31

She is ridiculous to make you feel bad about 'your' child, life is complex and back in the day (napoleon times) the fashion was for men to wear red and pink as it showed up on the battle field, and if you want some saucy stories just read a bit of roman history (eyes will water).
So in today's world live the life you want and what your children deserve - f her xx

LynetteScavo · 18/04/2014 21:31

How does wearing a dress mean a 5yo boy will be gay? I know several gay men, and know of very many more - and none of them ever wear dresses.

I wouldn't say your SIL is homophobic - but she is being rude, interfering and looking for issues that don't exist.

Original poster

Bigmrsdragon · 18/04/2014 21:34

Yes what she said about DS2 has also made me really angry and upset. I only kept it together because the DCs were upstairs but to be honest I will be happy if we never see her again. However our DCs are in the same school so I will probably still have to see her.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 18/04/2014 21:36

Oh, anyway, YANBU to let your DS wear a dress.

I do know someone who encourages her 5yo DSto wear dresses. The 5yo really, truly seems not to care less whether he's wearing a dress or jeans.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2014 21:36

Is she usually like this? Generally offensive and outrageously ignorant?

Please do make sure your PIL are aware if the exact reasons for this fall out. I imagine they will take a dim view but I think it is important they understand why relations might be beyond repair.

MaRyzerection · 18/04/2014 21:38

I don't care about the dress, but "at least he is adopted so I had an excuse but DS3 had a chance to be normal and I have wrecked him" isn't acceptable.

Implying that a child isn't normal because he is adopted is unforgivable.

MaRyzerection · 18/04/2014 21:39

I stopped having anything to do with my sil when she said something similar about my children.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2014 21:43

Ahh it's time for another boy wears dress thread

Makes a change from P&C parking/disabled loos etc

Either way I'll repeat what a wise Mumsnetter (whose name I can't even remember) said...

According to MN raising a girl who likes to wear Disney princess dresses means you've spectacularly failed as a parent.

Raise a boy who likes to wear Disney princess dresses and you've spectacularly succeeded as a parent.

Original poster

Bigmrsdragon · 18/04/2014 21:46

SIL usually believes her parenting style is right and if I do something different I tend to get a lecture on doing things wrong. Usually I ignore her but this time it is different because she was offensive about my DCs and I won't forgive her for that.

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 18/04/2014 21:51

Worra agreed.
But I don't understand the 'wearing a dress means a boy will be gay' thing- surely it would make more sense (even if wrong obviously) to think that a boy wearing dresses might turn them transgender?!

MichaelaS · 18/04/2014 21:52

I think your SIL has forgotten what "gay" means. Men are gay when they like cocks. Not dresses.

Seething on your behalf, especially about the adopted thing.

I have a DS who likes pink, wants to be peppa pig, and is getting a dolls house for his 5th birthday. My dad is a bit twitchy about it but has learnt to hold his peace. In any case, human sexuality is very complicated, not necessarily fixed over time, and not known to be strongly correlated to what you wear as a small child.

Original poster

Bigmrsdragon · 18/04/2014 21:52

worraliberty I must be middle of the road parent then because I have done both.

OP posts:

LyndaCartersBigPants · 18/04/2014 21:59

My 7 yo dd was bouncing around on the trampoline in a power rangers costume singing I Wanna Be A Lesbian yesterday.

I'd love to see your SIL's face at that one! She sounds like a twat.

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