To be questioning viewing looking after kids as "work"

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

I'm a regular but nc because of the recent ID issues.

I used to be a city worker. I'm degree educated. I have since 2010 (dd1) been a sahp. The birth of dd2 prolonged this. We have been feeling our way and it's suited us. It is not easy. I struggled after dd1. Dd2 had severe reflux. It has felt at times like 'work '. As difficult as commuting, office etc. at times harder.

We are at a position now where I'm taking evening work via laptop. I have mentally struggled getting my head around it. I have for 3yrs bought into the idea my day stuff is work. I've read countless threads where it's described as such. I've read countless responses where it's described as such. I've composed both sides too.

Now, I'll be parenting (I choose that carefully over childminding etc) mon-fri. Working via laptop after bedtimes mon-fri. Dh works in city. He will co-parent (again I've chosen that term carefully) in evenings and weekends. We will grab our own headspace when we can through this.

Now, if I'm working after bedtimes I am reconditioning my viewpoint to day times as not being work. I've struggled for 3wks through despair, anger, resentment, martyrdom and I feel it's because I conditioned myself via media, other mums, other people, here, to view kids as work. But put another way I get five days with kids, work evenings and share eves/weekends. 3wks on I'm now confused. I think I'm happier through altering my view point.

When did kids become work? Is this recent fashion? Are they ? And how do you describe your week of parenting/work splits? Am curious. Btw I'm making no insult to others choices or my own.

Time spent with my daughter is time off from my full time job, essentially recreation. I have never considered looking after my own child as being work. Like you, I have periods when I work from home; that's work, but being a mum or dad isn't.

My personal opinion is that the only people who should consider looking after children as work are people looking after someone else's children, because that is a totally different relationship. If I thought of looking after my daughter as being work, that would turn my daughter into a commodity.

The majority of people work to earn money, regardless of the other attractions of their career. Bringing up my child costs me a fortune, rather than contributing to paying the bills!

Well - it's not work in that you're not paid for it. Is it as arduous as most jobs? Well - yes of course. Do you need for it to be easier than it is to make you feel better about the hours you'll be keeping?

Do you have 2 under 3 - is that right? They won't stay under 3 forever - once you've got both at school it'll be a hell of a lot easier (well, that's what I'm counting on, anyway...)

I think you're way over thinking this.
Personally I don't think looking after ones own children is work: it's just something you do out of love. And parenting is a different thing again: it's the whole act of raising children, imparting values etc.
My children are older now, but when they were little, I considered the days I went out to work as 'work' and the days I didn't, I guess I was a SAHP. But then what about weekends...? DH and I were both at home then, but I don't think he would have described himself as a SAHP- he'd have just thought, hey it's the weekend now!

See- over thinking it does your head in. Just do what you do and don't worry about attaching labels to it

Yes 2 under 3. Yeah I'm just surprised I bought into this view point, I guess. Having to shift stuff around is making me reassess how I've viewed things and how I've accepted certain descriptions.

I don't view caring for my children as work. Someone has to do it and it does impact on what I can do with my time, but it's not work. I've just had two weeks annual leave and been at home with my child. It's not been work.

I think the work description is aimed to counter the assumption from people who haven't been a SAHP that it's a total doss, a bit of playing with a lovely compliant baby who'll sleep for most of the day and a lot of floating around Costa and chilling out on the sofa. Since you've done both - you know what you're dealing with so you don't really need to worry about labels.

But but but... you're taking on a lot - do you feel OK about that? You say you feel resentful - do you have cause to?

That's not to say staying at home with children is easy or not worthwhile or not time consuming etc etc.
It's what I do on my day off

I suppose it comes down to what does someone mean when they say work.

for me, it is anything that has to be done, and perhaps more than that is also a responsibility.

so my job has to be done to earn money, so thats work.
reading a book is done for pleasure so that's not
cleaning the house has to be done because I dont want to live in a health hazard! So that's work
browsing mn is relaxation so that isnt.
looking after the children I chose to have and fulfilling my responsibilities to the lives I am responsible for is something I have to do , so it is work.

something you have to do can also be something you want to do, for example having your children or being fortunate to have a job you love, but some things by their very nature are work and I think its to do with necessaries of life and with responsibilities.

Looking after small children can be hard work, it is not paid employment type work

Unless you are a nanny in which case it can be hard work and paid employment type work

Oh shit I've confused myself

Looking after your own children is not a job it is something that all parents do for all sorts of periods of time

You've made me think now. I took 4 months off on maternity leave. At no stage did I consider myself as being a SAHM during that time. Should I have done, albeit temporary?

I think that valuing bringing up children needs to be separated from the idea of how hard it is. It is a very important role but doesn't have to be proved to be hard to be worthwhile. We don't need to justify staying at home with children

It is also hard at times...but also relaxing and offers fun opportunities. Workplaces vary. Sitting on a till facing grumpy and rude customers for 3 hrs is nowhere near as fun as going to soft play with your child and a friend and their child for example.

I have days in the office where I have coffee and chat to a colleague over work and that beats being at home with a whiny tantruming child.

If I had a choice I'd give up work. I'd never give up being with my children. I have to work. I chose my DC.

Well like many parents, I go to work for a rest. My office job is pleasant, interesting and sedentary. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and it leaves me physically and mentally exhausted in a way that paid work never has.

But I don't refer to the weekends as work, as I am not at work then. It's harder than work.

DS is only three, so in a few years I guess at least the physical exhaustion will ease and I can actually think 'phew' when I wake up and realise its Saturday. Like I used to in the days before motherhood.

It is tiring, I have a 7 yo DS and twins when he was 3 yo and it was tiring, really tiring when they were little. I now feel that it is getting less tiring but it isn't work. If it was, I would have sacked myself I was / am probably quite lax at it, I just let them play and make a mess. I wasn't responsible to anyone else be it employer or client and I think that is a difference. However in terms of the role I have in my relationship with my husband I have never viewed it as inferior just because I wasn't bringing any money into the house at that time. As a family it worked best that way. I think the 'work' aspect is useful where a partner doesn't view staying at home and looking after children as useful or contributing to the family overall.

Morris, we thought that, then up rolled Saturday and we have to get up early for football.......

Seriously, it does get easier. I'm not sure what the teenage years are like. Roll on 18.

think of your job as a momtrepraneur (sp?)

i love being with kids and i have made it my job(im a cm), but i aslo have a couple of part time jobs to keep me going too

I agree that valuing it as work is significant if you are either divorcing and one partner thinks they should benefit financially because they have worked and the other partner doesn't or if employed partner feels they have more claim on their pay than the SAHP. If you make a joint decision to have one parent at home with children you share that financial impact.

I think possibly describing it as work helps make it clear that finances need to be shared

My mum brought up six children, I think she would be upset if she thought people felt she never "worked" simply because it wasn't paid employment.

Lots of women parents find that its financially silly to go to work once you have more than one child. If you are spending more on childcare, travel and general work costs than you are bringing in then its a bit silly to go to work unless you utterly love your job.

I think that most of us have good days and bad days with small children. Some of us prefer going to work than spending the day with a grumpy teething toddler who is chaos on legs. Especially if lack of money makes soft play impossible. Most people can only take so much of "the wheels on the bus".

Choose what works for you and your family. Don't feel insecure and critise other people's choices.

Well, it's one conceptual shift to regard looking after children as not-labour.

I'd suggest another might be to examine what preconceptions you bring to the word "work".

I'd say that there is a lot of labour involved in parenting. There is a lot of labour involved in the reproduction of living, full stop. What you seem to be a little confused about is the cross-over between love, happiness, and labour; and again, not-love, objectivity, non-happiness, deferred pleasure, and labour.

I would say that obviously there has to be an overlap between what we categorise as "work" and "parenting" because often we find ourselves doing the same things in the ^places where we "Work" and where we "parent".

So I would suggest that you think a little about what "work" really means for you.

And Actually:

What I am really, really interested in is why you have had to do all this conceptual reassessment. Why? I think about this sort of stuff because a. I like thinking b. I'm a feminist and I think about this stuff a lot c. I'm a bit anti-capitalist and leftie and I think about the whole idea of "work" a lot.

But your OP sounds awfully like someone who is coming at this from a very different angle.

I'm only asking this as a random on the internet. You do not have to answer. It;s only asked in order that it might help a bit. If it doesn't, stick it in the bin: are you happy? are you feeling over-worked? are you feeling supported? I guess I am worried that you are desperately trying to re-define parenting as leisure in order to stay sane in a shit situation.

Enjoying being with your kids is one thing - I love being with mine - but trying to brainwash yourself into thinking it doesn't have aspects about it that are, or involve labour (physical and mental) in order to buy into a myth that labour is divided equally in a relationship where it isn't ... that's another thing.

Clearly, you can absolutely stick that in the bin if it is not relevant.

Perhaps it would be easier to think of both as essential tasks that must be carried out by adults, rather than getting them to fit into whatever you or others think is work.

I spent 14 (ish) years in the City (think trading floors - hard work, high pressure). Then I became a mummy and tried to go back for a year and it was not compatible with having a baby and a husband with a serious career. I never thought as my children as work; they were a joy most of the time

After a City career it was a bit of a glorious doss to be perfectly honest and I loved it. I couldn't have worked in the evenings though, because DS in particular didn't sleep that's why I gave up work really and the reality didn't quite match the long awaited fantasy.

By the way, the whole concept of women's "leisure" and the "work" of parenting is much discussed and hotly debated. It's a minefield.

My dh, bless him, hated the fact that I was being paid to do something that made me happy. He wasn't keen on me being happy whilst also being the parent who did most of the parenting. He equated me being happy with me "not working", ie. "doing nothing".

I don't think he's the only one who thinks like that. I'd say watch out for the fallacy of equating "work that makes me happy/I enjoy/is intrinsically worthwhile" with "not work/not valuable": it's a mistake a lot of people seem to make.

Scrounger I've found that the perfect solution for avoiding Saturday's 8.30 swimming coaching is have a job where I work a number of weekend days throughout the year. It almost counts as a lie in to leave for work an hour after I would on school days when the school run starts at 7.15.

On a serious note though, my husband & I both have a similar high level of professional career. The difference is that flexible working hours enable me to work a certain number of weekend days throughout the year, giving me a few extra weekdays at home. He certainly wouldn't consider his weekend days at home with our daughter as being work, so why would I consider my weekdays with her as being at work?

Don´t be so hard on your self!

I study at uni by day, and do another job from the computer by night. I used to be very upset with myself in the beginning, because if I was off uni one day, I could not understand why I was not able to work properly after my childs bedtime..

… until I realized that just because looking after kids is not so called "work", doesn't mean that it doesn't require energy.
And, after all, no matter how you have spent your day, nature meant for us to sleep in the evening.

It took me a while to get into the routine, but whit lots of coffee it is possible.
Best of luck to you!

I think people confuse "work" with "arduous / unpleasant". Plenty of paid jobs are things people do "for love", and more power to them, the point is they don't want to have to do it "for free". Reproducing the labour force is a job in the same way that teaching children or cleaning buses is. It's socially necessary work. The whole premise of the wages for housework movement to reconstitute women's work as work, and thereby revalue it, and dissolve the notion of the male "family wage" in which female labour was already factored in.