To be questioning viewing looking after kids as "work"

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

I'm a regular but nc because of the recent ID issues.

I used to be a city worker. I'm degree educated. I have since 2010 (dd1) been a sahp. The birth of dd2 prolonged this. We have been feeling our way and it's suited us. It is not easy. I struggled after dd1. Dd2 had severe reflux. It has felt at times like 'work '. As difficult as commuting, office etc. at times harder.

We are at a position now where I'm taking evening work via laptop. I have mentally struggled getting my head around it. I have for 3yrs bought into the idea my day stuff is work. I've read countless threads where it's described as such. I've read countless responses where it's described as such. I've composed both sides too.

Now, I'll be parenting (I choose that carefully over childminding etc) mon-fri. Working via laptop after bedtimes mon-fri. Dh works in city. He will co-parent (again I've chosen that term carefully) in evenings and weekends. We will grab our own headspace when we can through this.

Now, if I'm working after bedtimes I am reconditioning my viewpoint to day times as not being work. I've struggled for 3wks through despair, anger, resentment, martyrdom and I feel it's because I conditioned myself via media, other mums, other people, here, to view kids as work. But put another way I get five days with kids, work evenings and share eves/weekends. 3wks on I'm now confused. I think I'm happier through altering my view point.

When did kids become work? Is this recent fashion? Are they ? And how do you describe your week of parenting/work splits? Am curious. Btw I'm making no insult to others choices or my own.

I wouldn't be able to look after two under three all day then work at night once they were in bed long term.
I'm sorry but I'd definitely need some time for... Mental space, for my brain to rest.

I think I would go mad otherwise.

Could your DH go to four days a week at work to allow you one day free for yourself?

I've struggled for 3wks through despair, anger, resentment, martyrdom and I feel it's because I conditioned myself via media, other mums, other people, here, to view kids as work

I don't think it's your mental conditioning, I think you sound knackered

It's sounds like you've got to look at your work / life balance again.

Is your co parenting the same as dhs? When he is co parenting does he also do organising where they are over the next few days, Drs appointments, does he deal with all the same stuff you do? Or does he hang out with the dc.

Also when you are working in the evenings are you totally able to focus on it it? No interruptions from dc and dh?

If this is going to work for you have you considered using child care out of the family for s couple of days so you csn work and get your evenings back?

Lots to think about here. I like missmess description. Neither of us really take time on their own. Dh works in city. Then he's parenting or I'm parenting then working at home. Don't even go for a run which is what I think I will start to do. Wanna finally lose my baby weight. Dh would like time on his laptop I guess. Maybe time together with a baby sitter.

I feel freer actually now I've gone through this 3wk rethink. Partly what made me post. Stopping making my days sound like work has taken a load off I really didn't realise I was carrying. Maybe I took 'wife work ' too seriously after dd1 and leaving the city.

I'm reading this thread with growing confusion, so I will have to go back and read again.

Why does (in answer to the OP title) it matter?

And I suppose, going back to the Old Days, when fewer women returned to paid work, it wasn't the childcare that constituted 'work' it was everything surrounding the care of the house and home - thus 'housework'. Children were just part of life.

It was important to me.

Our first dd was hard. It felt never ending and I found others finding it similar. All with either no experience or more experience. All seemed to view kids as work. Possibly thinking about it more the periphery maybe of housework. I considered dh and I as working. Articles and stuff I read in magazines seemed to concur. I was working.

So now needing to work for money too on top of my kids well I'm working from 6-midnight. I thought about it and wondered if I bought into something fake. So, I thought if I remove the word work from being with the kids, that becomes (I don't have a good word, recreation?) something else.

Now maybe I'm selling myself another idea. It made me wonder. Plainly an awful lot of women viewed kids/being at home as work as I read articles and threads on it. Were we wrong? Maybe others who didn't view kids as work felt less stressed? So I thought id ask.

In a funny way it might be excellent balance; home all day with kids, work in eves. I'm not the only one I'm sure doing that. Can't be! Viewing it one way seemed depressing, another positive. I thought that interesting. And counter to stuff I'd read.

And yes I do housework. So does dh.

My daughter is 'work' but my son isn't. If I'd had him first I'd have wondered what the fuck everyone was complaining about when they said being a mum was hard work.

It's not paid employment but it is hard work, harder than any paid employment I've ever had. People still seem to think I spend all day sat on my arse reading magazines though. I rarely sit down to be honest.

Becca now that does sound familiar! Dd2 is a breeze in comparison!!

To me, one of the biggest aspects of childcare that make it more "work" than other aspects of unpaid time is that you don't have a choice about it. Sure you can decide what it is you are going to do with the children, but you can't decide you're not going to do the childcare today. And that encroachment on your autonomy is similar to most paid employment.

If it helps you personally to not think of it as work, then that might be a good way to cope with whaat sounds like a stressful life for the next few years. But I think we do a diservice to ourselves if we only think of paid employment as work. Our economic measures push paid work above all other activity, and in doing so it fails to measure all sorts activities that provide significant value for people and skews the efforts of government and the views of people.

I think this argument that looking after your own children, or cleaning your own gutters, or any of the other labour that goes into living a good life, isn't "work" can compound with our economic measures into placing to little value on those activities and failing to appreciate how much they produce for us as individuals and as a society.