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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this (yes, benefits related, sorry)

406 replies

Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 12:15

Name changed for this.

Dsd is with is is week. She randomly just dropped in to the conversation that her mums bf has moved a lot of his stuff back to his parents as he has moved back there in order that they can get more money which they need to buy a house in August. He still visits every day and stays over some nights. She was talking about his Xbox and said it was at his parents as he needed to have enough things there to convince 'them' that he didn't live there anymore.

To me this reads that he has nominally moved out in order that the mum can claim housing benefit again (as she only works a couple of days a week)

They have reserved a new build house that should be ready in august, dsd says they don't have enough money for it yet though.

The bf is in a well paid job, I think he earns nearly as much as dh actually. They are obviously impatient to move which I do understand. But this doesn't seem a very honest way to go about it. Dh and I saved for ages to have a house deposit.

Dh told me that his ex has been investigated for benefit fraud before although I have no idea what for, that was years ago. I only know because she thought it was him that reported her (he wasn't)

It's not that I have anything against dsd mum, I don't really know her but she seems nice enough. And it's not that I have any plans to try and report her or anything (unless people think I should!) I realise I know nothing like the full story. I'm just feeling rather grr about it.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 18/04/2014 16:16

I really don't think an 8 year old's casual remark allows any of us to know that much.

monicalewinski · 18/04/2014 16:17

First, iirc that post was because the poster had misunderstood the nature of Derek's relationship and had assumed that it was at the point of them being a family unit. Derek pointed out that it was a relationship being taken slowly and was not yet at the point of living together as a family.

I do see the point that they are acting within the law, and it is a big leap to move out and do things 'properly' (although I still disagree with the actions) but I don't agree that it is morally right to do it.

Myself and my husband deploy for up to 6 months in the forces, we live in different countries for these periods. If we were to change our marital cat to 'single' and the 'single'one paid maintenance rather than a share of household costs - thereby allowing the resident parent to claim assistance with childcare, housing cost etc, would this be morally acceptable?

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 16:18

I must admit I am a bit torn now. I can see it may be a case of he's gone home and is saving, and dsd mum is just paying the bills as before, if bf is no longer contributing to the household then no, she's obviously not in a position to save money herself, he is. I suppose it's the fact that they were living together quite happily not on benefits, and now they have purposely created a temporary situation where she needs to claim them again.....

OP posts:
monicalewinski · 18/04/2014 16:19

Aargh! Gordy, not First - autocorrect, sorry!

fifi669 · 18/04/2014 16:19

That's a good point!

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 16:20

But yes, I absolutely take the point that I am making assumptions based on a conversation with an 8 year old

OP posts:
HappyGirlNow · 18/04/2014 16:20

Fifi badidea monica there's little point saying any more as the hysteria and defensiveness the minute some people hear the word 'benefits' is a barrier to genuine discussion..

We'd have been as well writing HANG ALL BENEFIT CLAIMANTS

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 16:20

Well, she won't be claiming when they've bought the house, will she?

:)

LineRunner · 18/04/2014 16:22

Imagine that, a family coming off benefits, when they apparently should be staying dependent.

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 16:24

But they weren't on benefits before linerunner, it's just that they want to buy rather than rent.

OP posts:
HappyGirlNow · 18/04/2014 16:26

They're gaining a boost to a deposit for a house they'll own out of it.. I'm sure many couples living together in rented accommodation would love extra money to put to a deposit to allow them to buy their own home.. Hmm

HappyGirlNow · 18/04/2014 16:27

Yip so they're going on benefits to save money towards the deposit then coming off benefits.. Hardly great is it??

HappyGirlNow · 18/04/2014 16:28

Allegedly Grin

Owllady · 18/04/2014 16:38

So they get a deposit by creating a situation that is fictitious so she can claim benefits and he live with his Mum
Talk about fucked up

I would go to the top of the housing list and be heavily subsidised if my h left me, maybe I should suggest it seeing as we live in sub standard private rental and fuck all will ever change

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 16:43

I just don't see him deciding to stop living in rented accommodation while he saves up as wrong, morally or legally. The change they've made isn't artificial, it's real.

Let's suppose she wasn't on HB and each moving in with relatives to save up. Most posters would, I think, urge her to consider finding out what benefits she could get, so as to avoid uprooting DD and cramming into a spare room with her.

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 16:45

What's stopping you, Owl? Your sense of personal responsibility to the government, or a wish to carry on living with H?

GarlicAprilShowers · 18/04/2014 16:47

I agree it's fucked up, in that our ludicrous housing situation forces difficult decisions on so many.

LineRunner · 18/04/2014 16:48

Well let's all do that, then, if it's so fab.

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 16:48

I definitely agree with that garlic!!

OP posts:
LineRunner · 18/04/2014 16:50

Oh and the OP did say that the exp had been on housing benefit before. She and her DD are a family.

Owllady · 18/04/2014 16:51

So you think it would be okay if my husband went and lived with his Mum whilst I carried on living here having the rent paid 1k a month for and benefits, my dd has a good social worker, we would either stay here or get rehoused as we are within the highest guidelines (without h)
And that's okay is it? Really?

Because as it is we were putting money by each month to save for a deposit like every bigger else who is lucky enough to have money left over after paying the bills but if it's perfectly fine to play a charade for a year or so to get what we want

Why not? Hmm

LineRunner · 18/04/2014 16:51

It is mad, isn't it?

Owllady · 18/04/2014 16:54

God it is fucked up
I don't know why I am even discussing this with you.
If my h left, I would also have to have a bigger care package for my dd in order to cope as atm we do it between ourselves

I feel completely screwed over by people who are in it for what they can get, it's completely self centered and yes, I do think you have yo live by the sword, otherwise what do we teach our children

monicalewinski · 18/04/2014 17:11

It is completely fucked up, but what would be a better way?

I can't think of one. The welfare state relies on people being honest and only accessing help when in genuine need (that was the assumption at its conception), unfortunately a minority of people play the system and although they are within the rules, they are still morally lacking imo (just like the politicians who acted within the rules re expenses, but were deliberate with their manipulation of the rules, and the same as the tax avoiders who are within the law, but are not playing fair morally).

There are people everywhere who will play a system to their advantage, even though they know it is not right, and not in the spirit of whichever system they are playing.

Thankfully, the majority of people are honest.

Owllady · 18/04/2014 17:18

Do they know it's not right though? I know it's wrong that's why we never thought about it or discussed it, but it seems on this thread it's at least okay so what does it matter Hmm I shall have another glass of wine and seriously suggest to dh he moves in with his mother so we can buy a house
Never mind the confusion it will cause to our children

He had in the past worked away for months on end, I should have just acted in a morally corrupt manner. I can imagine our family's reaction