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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So sad ds won't have a sibling

60 replies

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:15

I feel sad about this all the time. He's 4 and will be an only. He's currently outside on his trampoline alone. Next door's children (two of them who are very close) are outside bouncing together on their trampoline. I can see ds looking forlornly at them.

I know logically he doesn't have a bad life, we've been out all day at the zoo and he sees plenty of his friends but he'd love to have a sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. I know this is silly as I am an only child but I'm very different to ds, I like being on my own. Ds craves company and other children.

OP posts:

cankles · 16/04/2014 17:18

Why don't you invite next door's kids in?x

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:19

They're a lot older (12 and 14) and probably won't want to play with ds.

OP posts:

AreWeThereYeti · 16/04/2014 17:23

I really think you need to have a stern word with yourself it's not going to get you anywhere feeling guilty about this. The situation is what it is, I am sure you already know all the pros and cons of being an only child you need to try to concerntrate on all the pros. I know that is easier to say than do sometimes.

Good luck and try your hardest not to worry.

WilsonFrickett · 16/04/2014 17:25

It's ok to feel sad that you are only having one child, if you wanted more. But it's a bit much to be thinking in terms of ruining your DS life. You really haven't.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:27

I feel bitter and sad all the time that we only have one.
I know it's selfish and some people can't have any but all the time it's at the back of my mind. I feel cheated.
I hate watching ds playing all on his own. I play with him quite a bit but it isn't the same as having another child to play with is it?

OP posts:

tshirtsuntan · 16/04/2014 17:28

Aaw, I feel exactly the same as you but never say it in rl as I know I'm lucky to have my one fab little guy, if you're near us they could be mates?!

cankles · 16/04/2014 17:29

Yes, they probably are, although my 14 year ds and my 4 year old dn have the same amount of energy!

Moonface, it sounds like he's had a really lovely day. Like Arewethereyeti says focus on the positives - he has a lot of friends, he has your undivided attention, you can organise and focus on things specifically for his and your pleasure. You have, anything but ruined his life! It sounds like he has a lovely life with a devoted mum. Less of the critical voices (easier said that done, I know), you are doing your best and he is a happy chappy x

mistlethrush · 16/04/2014 17:32

I am frowned upon by DS's friends as I won't allow more than one person to bounce on the trampoline at a time - that's when injuries happen and I don't want it to happen to DS, and I would be absolutely mortified if it happened to one of his friends when they were playing here. Next door have twin girls a year younger than DS - they're often over in our garden in the summer as its much more interesting than theirs! We tried for a 2nd - but it wasn't to be. I have just about come to terms with that - now making the most of having an only.

ikeaismylocal · 16/04/2014 17:35

I think your only looking at the ideal sibling situation, there is a high chance that if you had 2 children they would not like playing together and would not get on. In an ideal world all siblings are best buddies, interested in the same things, able to play and have no jealousy issues but I think that only happens sometimes.

I feel like I'm ruining my ds's life by having another baby, he's so happy and content with 2 loving parents, soon there is going to be a screaming small baby who won't be any fun to play with for a good few years and ds will have to share his toys, parents, bedroom with the baby. Hopefully in the end they will like each otger or at least get something positive from the relationship but there is every chance they won't.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:37

Ha I'm in the midlands tshirt.

It's just rubbish. All my friends have at least two children, I can see ds thinking 'why haven't I got a sibling?'
He said to me 'when I'm a daddy I'm going to have two children so they aren't lonely and can play together.'
He's hoping for twins!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 16/04/2014 17:41

In a couple of years he'll have school friends he wants to play with and by the time he's a teenager a sibling is just someone to annoy him and fight with. Only children can romanticise having a sibling.

JadedAngel · 16/04/2014 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:47

That must be hard Jaded. Your dd sounds very grown up.

We met a friend yesterday and her dd and ds played at the park for a couple of hours. Dh is off the next few days so we are having some days out but have three play dates planned next week.

I've always liked being an only but am quite introvert. Ds is nothing like me, very outgoing, heaps of energy, always wants to be doing. Not great at entertaining himself. For instance he won't sit and draw or read or do puzzles like I used to. He wants to do a lot of imaginary play (which I loathe but try and do for his sake) or he will also play board games for hours and hours. And dino top trumps. I don't mind this so will play those sorts of things. I struggle with the imaginary play though.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 16/04/2014 17:47

Tbh, all onlies ask about siblings, and I'm sure all siblings have their fair share of 'why didn't you just have me' moments. I think you are transferring some of your sadness onto DS. Tomorrow he'll probably want to have 18 dinosaurs instead of two DCs. That's children.

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:49

I'm not sure. He talks about his hypothetical family most days.

OP posts:

JadedAngel · 16/04/2014 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanSeeTheSun · 16/04/2014 17:57

Is there a reason why a 2nd child is not an option.

ApocalypseNowt · 16/04/2014 17:59

The thing is you can look at it like everyone's missing out on something. Your ds is missing a sibling. But those with siblings are missing out on having 100% of their parents time and attention and money.

I don't want to sound harsh but maybe he's picking up vibes from you that it's not an ideal situation? Fake it till you make it - slap on a smile and think of all the positives of being an only. You say he's outgoing - that's great, he'll have no trouble making lots of great friends in the future I'm sure.

WilsonFrickett · 16/04/2014 18:00

Well here's the thing though. Clearly if another child was a possibility you would do it, but it's not. So you can choose to interpret everything ds says as showing a deep underlying sadness, or you can take it at face value. There is no point in regretting things which can't be altered.

We only have one, much wanted and hard fought for child. I don't interpret the fact he's convinced he is the 'real life dad' to an assortment of toys, including a fun-size inflatable Olympic mascot, as an only child ishoo. He's just a wee boy playing families. I could be wrong, of course, but as I can't 'fix' the issue, I don't look for it, IYSWIM. I think you are still upset about it, so you are seeking confirmation that it's ok to be upset through your DS behaviour . It's confirmation bias?

janinec · 16/04/2014 18:03

Im with u OP
Same problem here, i have 6 yr DD and it BREAKS my heart seeing her playing alone, or toys just left untouched, as 'i cant play with them by myself' :(
It sucks, but got to make the best of it, take care x

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 18:07

Secondary infertility :-(

OP posts:

MummyBeerest · 16/04/2014 18:09

He sounds adorable. If he was my son I'm not sure I'd want another one because I'd like him the best

From what I've been told (my DD is only 20mo,) the early years for only children are most challenging because much of their socialization is orchestrated by the parents. Once he's in school and making friends on his own-and it sounds like he'll be good at it-you won't really worry about him being lonely as much.

I'm not really sure that's helpful advice, but as I'm fairly certain DD will be an only I've asked the same questions and most definitely felt the same.

ItsSpringBaby · 16/04/2014 18:11

I'm an only child (on my mum's side, on my dad's there's 4 others).

I had no contact with my half-siblings growing up (still don't) and what's even worse is that we lived far away from my mum's extended family and I was the ONLY grandchild for 2 decades.

On the plus side I was spoiled to death, went out often with my mum and had plenty of school friends. I can remember phases of asking for a sibling but as I got older I didn't know any other way. I can't say for a fact that I'm happier or more sad than friends who have siblings but I had a pretty decent childhood, and on reflection having a brother/sister to share with would have definitely stolen some of my shine. I know some of my friends have terrible relationships with their siblings and a few who are indifferent towards them. My mum is a good example of this - contact with her siblings is close to non-existent for no particular reason so it's not always the perfect scenario you imagine.

I now have two children 4 years apart and although I'm sure they love each other deep down they fight terribly. In fact they're fighting right now over my phone. I always thought they would be close and keep each other company, but I'm not sure my eldest in particular would agree with that!

Original poster

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 18:15

Ds is also an only grandchild on my side. On dh's side the other grandchildren are in their late 20s and are closer to my age than his! So jo little cousins either. I am also an only grandchild with no cousins - my family is teeny tiny.

I know in all likelihood I would have to referee a lot with a sibling and any sibling born now would be so much younger that the huge gap would mean they wouldn't have anything in common.
It's just sad, I always thought I'd have two children I suppose.

OP posts:

tshirtsuntan · 16/04/2014 18:18

Ah you're a bit far moonface we're London, maybe penfriends at a later date my son is desperate for a sibling, he's always loved babies and even offered me his "seed" if I had an egg but daddy had run out of seeds (not the case, my age is against me!)

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