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Original poster

So sad ds won't have a sibling

60 replies

Moonfacesmother · 16/04/2014 17:15

I feel sad about this all the time. He's 4 and will be an only. He's currently outside on his trampoline alone. Next door's children (two of them who are very close) are outside bouncing together on their trampoline. I can see ds looking forlornly at them.

I know logically he doesn't have a bad life, we've been out all day at the zoo and he sees plenty of his friends but he'd love to have a sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. I know this is silly as I am an only child but I'm very different to ds, I like being on my own. Ds craves company and other children.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/04/2014 18:27

"Ds craves company and other children."

That doesn't have to be a sibling though.

I've never been close to mine.

Rarely see them now & don't miss them tbh.

We get on when we do see each other, but can go a while without bothering.

spindlyspindler · 16/04/2014 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HemlockStarglimmer · 16/04/2014 18:54

My daughter broke my heart when she was about four years old when she said "When I'm older I want to be a big sister".

I agonised for some time about whether we should try to have another but my head wasn't right (PND), my body isn't right (SPD and arthritis) and my age (42 when I got pregnant) certainly isn't right.

She's nearly 10 and pretty self sufficient now. School and Brownies give her playmates. Sometimes she plays out with other children in the street but they are all older than she is. When she was younger it was a lot harder.

She has cousins on both sides but distance means they don't get together very often. Also two of them are in their twenties and the other two are only toddlers.

I try not to spoil her but my feelings of guilt make that hard. Her grandparents certainly spoil her but that's just the way the are. As in your case, she was the only grandchild that side until she was seven.

cardibach · 16/04/2014 19:22

It is sad that you can only have one child when you want two. I'm not convinced is sad fro your DS, though. My DD is an only with me, but has 3 half sisters she sees about every 3 weeks (long distance between) and she often comes home delighted that she can have some peace!

HearMyRoar · 16/04/2014 19:40

I know plenty of siblings who grew up hating each other and will quietly admit they would rather have been only children. You may have had another and just ended up with worse.

We have an only child by choice. Neither me or my dh are close to our siblings so don't really see not having any as a problem. In fact I would have had a fa better childhood and bbe generally a happier person had one of mine not existed. A part of my reason for not having another is not wanting to risk that for dd.

I do wonder if your ds picks up on your feelings and that is why he talks about it a lot. I really think you need to find a way to move on our risk harming your relationship with him and leave him feeling like he isn't enough for you. Obviously I can tell from your post that this isn't the case and you care about him very much, but he may not see it like that as he gets older.

Edendance · 16/04/2014 19:51

You could always consider adoption Smile

Aroundtheworldandback · 16/04/2014 19:52

Another one here who desperately wanted a sibling for my then only child. Fast forward- I feed them in separate rooms as they cannot bear to even be in the same room as eachother.

ICanSeeTheSun · 16/04/2014 19:53

Have you had any counselling on your fertility problems.

I bet it hard when you, DH and DC want another family member.

wanttoseethebollickle · 16/04/2014 20:15

I am an only one. It was absolutely fine and ultimately I didn't know any different.

What my Mum did Super well whether it was a conscious decision or not was to have an Open house. Our friends (mine and hers (more than my sads)) were always welcome.

My Mum is still independently friendly and in touch with some of my friends that were often camped in our house.

I think the open house policy definitely helped me not to feel like I was a Party of One.

Really don't feel sad he doesn't "need" anyone else as he doesn't know what it's like to have someone else around. I promise you.

bakewelltartandcustard · 16/04/2014 21:56

Look around and see that families come in all sizes and combinations and that not one single family anywhere is perfect.
It sounds like this little boy wants friends, and siblings are not always friends.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 16/04/2014 22:03

Oh, Moonface, I could have written your OP. I always wanted a whole tribe of wee people but with one thing and an other we're only ever likely to have DS. He is the best thing ever, full stop, dot com but there always is a lurking sadness that he's going to be a singleton.
I'm finding it a bit harder now when all my mummy contemporaries are having their 2nd and 3rd but I suppose this too shall pass.

SapphireMoon · 16/04/2014 22:18

Hope he had fun waving at the older children next door.
We have an older girl next door who will chat through fence and play ball over lower part of fence when she is in the mood.
I worry that she might get fed up with my youngest shouting 'Hello, is anyone there' every time she steps out in the garden!

mistlethrush · 16/04/2014 22:45

Moonface - it does get better - DS used to talk about having a sibling - and indeed had an imaginary sibling (who arrived scarily near what would have been an EDD from one of the pregnancies that I mc following DS, but that's another story) when he was younger - but now (he's just 9) he sometimes comments on the fact that he likes being just him - we do things just for him that he likes and if he had a smaller sibling we wouldn't be doing things that suited him so well.

randomAXEofkindness · 16/04/2014 23:15

Mine get on wonderfully, so close and loving, play together all day. But I could not say with certainty that it was definitely the best thing to have 3 of them. It isn't difficult for me to see how they might have benefited from being 'only's'. It's incredibly special when I have any time one-to-one with any of them.

It is difficult not to focus on something you feel like you are being denied. But please don't think that you have 'done' something terrible to your ds because you haven't had more, or that he is suffering because of it. You are being massively unfair to yourself and I think that you are also way off the mark thinking that your ds is suffering because of the way things are.

Make a list of all the ways being an only child benefits him, and start focusing on each item in this list whenever you start having negative/guilt feelings. You could also make a list of any definite disadvantages and how you plan to make these things up to him - for instance:

Disadvantage: 'He doesn't have a sibling to play with'
Plan: 'He'll go to school and meet friends who he might enjoy playing with even more'

Then whenever your thoughts become negative you can remind yourself of this plan. You can tell yourself: "I've already addressed these concerns and made a plan, there is nothing more I can do, I can let them go". Then do it. You only have to worry to the extent that it helps you to solve a problem, anything after that is pointless and unfair to you.

randomAXEofkindness · 16/04/2014 23:16

with my youngest shouting 'Hello, is anyone there' every time she steps out in the garden

Super cute Grin

Grotbagstwin · 16/04/2014 23:24

This sounds like my ds. I also live in the midlands and ds is nearly 4, he talks daily about not having a baby live here. 'charlie has a baby live at his house why can't I?' And ' why have you got cake in your tummy and not a baby like Imogens mummy'
He has even named his siblings he doesn't have. I have no advice but you're not alone Sad

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/04/2014 23:31

The thing about siblings is even when it goes perfectly it still isn't perfect.

My dh is the middle of 3 very close brothers. But he really can't make friends. Because he already has 2 best friends. He is a nice, popular bloke but he can't translate "guy I work with and like and go to the pub with occassionally" into "friend".

Unfortunately he and his two brothers currently live in 3 different countries. When the three of them are together he is this whole different person but it doesn't happen very often at all.

Burren · 16/04/2014 23:36

Honestly, as the mother of a two-year-old who won't be having any siblings, I'm inclined to focus on how awful it would be to try to reconcile a stroppy toddler to all parental attention suddenly being taken up by a newborn. I do feel my son, who is very sociable and adores older children, would suit being the baby of a big family, but I can't arrange for him to have several older siblings!

I'm one of four, and we all live in different countries and seldom speak. Fruits of a rather overcrowded childhood in a small house. I dreamt of being an only child, and my favourite daydream was of having a bedroom of my own...

JessieMcJessie · 17/04/2014 01:36

Any reason why you've ruled out adoption?

MrsCakesPremonition · 17/04/2014 01:45

I suffered from secondary infertility. DD was the only child of her generation on either side of the family and she was under a huge amount of scrutiny (loving but a lot of pressure).
So we decided to go down the IVF route. It wasn't an easy decision. We ended up with a 4.5y age gap.

I wouldn't be without my little DS. But I'm not convinced that his arrival has been much of a joy for DD. He is loving but hard work. I suffered from PND. They have spent the last two weeks beating the shit out of each other. I think DD would have been very happy being an idolised only, it certainly wouldn't have ruined her life.

MidniteScribbler · 17/04/2014 01:51

DS is an only and will have to accept that he will only ever be an only. He gets to go to daycare and play with friends, he'll go to school and be with his friends, and he'll get to do lots of overseas travel and experience a lot with me. He'll also be in line for a very nice inheritance that he won't have to fight with anyone about. Ruined his life? I don't think so. Even if I had other children there is no guarantee they will get along.

ZingHasAHotCrossBunInTheOven · 17/04/2014 02:30

come on, you didn't ruin his life!

I'd invite the older kids over.
And some from his nursery/playgroup.

I presume he is going to school in September - you will soon be fed up with having to invite his friends over and him going over to theirs!Wink

he is going to be fine, but if you really want a sibling for him is adoption a possibility?

and I don't think a pet is a substitute for a sibling, but I know many singletons who have a cat or a dog as companion/mate and they seem very happy to have 'someone' to play with and don't particularly care about not having a sibling!

good luck, I do hope you can find a solution and some peace about the situation.
And I'm sure your DS will be just fine - he already has loving and caring parents after all!

Fanjango · 17/04/2014 02:36

I have 4 kids. They play so well together it is bliss....for about 10 minutes. Mum she hit me, um he elbowed me, mum she won't play with me, mum he won't leave me alone etc etc etc...
Replay every sodding day of the holidays and then say a singleton is missing out GrinGrin
I love em but it is not all sunshine Wink

darksideofthemooncup · 17/04/2014 02:53

My Dd (6) is an only, my Dh is an only so no cousins on his side and my only niece is 21. I would have loved to have given her a sibling but it didn't happen . HOWEVER, she is happy, well adjusted, is able to share, has empathy with others, can entertain herself and is great company.
Sometimes I feel guilty because I am an older mother and she won't be able to share the burden of me when I get old, and then I kick myself up the arse and remind myself that I am the sole carer for my aging parents despite having an older brother. He lives 200 miles away and has been nothing but a drain on their health and finances for YEARS.
You can make family and memories for your Ds with friends you have chosen and you are clearly lovely so he is a lucky little chap

merlehaggard · 17/04/2014 03:12

I have 3 children an 8 year age gap between each one. Every time my DD2 says - I with DD1 was younger because she used it play with me and I wish she was closer in age to me, I feel guilty. I have to remind myself that when I had my children wasn't my choice (fertility issues) and that even those closer in age often don't get along and/or play together - particularly if of a different sex. I've got friends whose children went girl boy girl and they all seek their playmates from elsewhere because no one has that much in common. I can see why you're sad because I also had a bit of a thing about having an only child before I finally conceived (and stayed pregnant!) with my second, however, 4 is the age before their social life does start to kick off. Before you know it, he will have school friends round, going to football clubs, etc. Perhaps there is something he can join now. Would he like to go to a holiday club sometimes or perhaps when he is older? There are also advantages to having an only child too - you will have more time to spend with him, help with school work, more money for holidays etc. I would try to concentrate on those as much as possible.