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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be inclined in the decision making about when MIL comes to stay?

62 replies

Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:04

DH and I are living abroad in a country neither of us are natives of. My MIL (who is 70) told my DH she would like to come to stay. My DH and his family talk to each other on the phone when he is driving to and from work and they hardly ever contact me. DH mentioned a few vague dates to me - maybe Oct-Nov for a month. Today DH mentioned casually in a conversation on the phone that he was booking a flight for his mum to come from late Nov to Jan - so all of Dec and Christmas at least without discussing it. He did not book yet and did apologize. I thought about it and said can she come as close to Christmas as possible and more time in Jan as Dec is the busiest month of the year for me (we have 3 kids)? He is saying he wants to save money, Dec is more expensive and I am not being welcoming to his mum.

I think I should be involved in all the discussion ahead of time and decision making as I will be the one most affected by her stay. I am at home, DH is gone from 6am-6pm. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:05

Sorry title should say "included" not "inclined".

OP posts:
pootlebug · 16/04/2014 12:06

YANBU. You need to discuss this, not him decide.

FryOneFatManic · 16/04/2014 12:06

YANBU, this is definitely a decision for the two of you, not just him. Especially as you'll be the one most affected.

I don't see this as not being welcoming, just being practical about the timing of the visit.

If he's being funny about this, then he can take time off work and be with his mum while you get on with the busy stuff.

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:08

He is an essential worker and gets little holiday - very unlikely he will have time off maybe two days at Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:09

Also I'm getting the impression from the dates we're talking at least 6 weeks maybe 8?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/04/2014 12:11

One month with MiL, are you on good terms generally?

Where in the world are you, couldn't she do a fortnight instead?

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:12

We are across an ocean.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/04/2014 12:15

Two months, bloody hell[shocked]

Scrounger · 16/04/2014 12:15

You are not being unwelcoming to his mum (sorry about the double negative), he is just saying that as a distraction and as a way to get you to back down about the dates by making you feel guilty. If he cannot take time out of work to see her when she is here he should not be dictating when she should come. I couldn't handle a week with my ILs coming, 6 - 8 weeks?????

shelscrape · 16/04/2014 12:17

Yup, if you are going to be the one "entertaining" MIL for most of her stay, you should be consulted. It needs to be a joint decision, not just some throw away comment from your DH. I live in NZ and my parents have been to visit twice, it was a joint decision by me and my DH, I would never ever have just presented him with agreed dates and told him he had little choice in the matter.

It will be hard work if you have to show her around, look after her and ferry her around. I have found that when family visit us they foget that we have to get on with our day to day lives during their extended stay and we are not on holiday for the 8 weeks they are with us. If she does come, make sure there are some ground rules. Good luck!

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:20

We have a good marriage and are both generally reasonable but he can't seem to see what this means - to have a visitor in your space for a long period. My parents died when I was young so he is never in the position of having PILs coming for long periods.

Also I think my bro and his family we planning on coming for a long weeks in early Dec. we did this in 2013 and it was fun for all. Although strangely my DH does get a bit impatient or tired with visitors after about 5 days!

MIL and I get on OK, she is very strong willed and doesn't see boundaries but I do hold my own.

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AdoraBell · 16/04/2014 12:21

Definitely needs to be discussed and agreed, amicably, by both of you before anything is settled.

How likey is it that you will be ale to meet your commitments with the DCs while MIL is there, or that DH will deal with DC's needs? Is she able to tag along or keep herself occupied, or will she be at home all day in need of looking after and company?

if my MIL visited for a month I'd have to move out for the duration

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:21

Sorry typing too fast my bro would come for a long weekend so 3-4 days.

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Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:23

Well at the mo I think my DH doesn't seem to think it should be an issue for me, although I have expressed otherwise! We will talk tonight but we were both getting heated (for us - major conflict avoiders!) on the two calls we had today.

To add a bit of interest we are also moving house next week.

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Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:25

Am just really upset that they would go so far as fix dates and book flights without discussing it with me!

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fuxache · 16/04/2014 12:40

We live on the opposite side of the world to mil and her last visit was too long! She just books her flights and tells us when she is going to be here. It drives me crazy!!
I am a sahm with 4dc so I am busy. Shes not very independent while shes here despite being in very good health and in her late 50s. It's just someone else to look after!Angry
Our relationship is usually pretty strained by the end of her visit. I just have to keep reminding myself that she has a lovely relationship with our dc and and they love being with her. The last visit was for the whole summer school holidays. It was too long.
I feel your pain!!

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:49

I used to blame MIL for this kind of stuff but I think DH may be inviting her and planning it all without coming clean, he kept going on about the cost and then suddenly said "I want her here for Christmas" which is OK but it makes me think he has asked her and between them they have decided in this long visit - without me!

She likes to run away from problems and would definitely move in tomorrow if we let her so she will stay as long as possible.

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mamas12 · 16/04/2014 12:56

Right then when you sit down with the calendar and talk you need to put ALL your and Dcs normal commitments down ie school rums after school clubs appprts and hobbies then put your needs ie Xmas shopping Xmas nativity costume making having a social life etc oh and your db visit must be there too
And then ask him when he will take the time off to see his dm and you need your me time and couple time
You then tell him. When it is convenient for you and let him know that you are willing to spend the time with her then
He is bu

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:58

We both know he can't take time off then.

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DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 13:02

You have to agree on the timing and length of the visit. And furthermore, you both have to agree on how the visit is going to go, in terms of what you can and can't, will and won't do with and for your MIL. Then your DH has to manage her expectations accordingly.

I think because he hasn't had to do it, he is not realising the degree to which having an in-law around can be hard. You didn't grow up with her, you don't necessarily really know her well or gel with her. None of which you should be made to feel guilty about, that's how it is for everyone.

FryOneFatManic · 16/04/2014 13:06

Then, if he knows he'll be unable to take time off at that time, he is really being unreasonable.

LouiseAderyn · 16/04/2014 13:13

You are going to have to say an outright no and be very honest about how it makes you feel to have no space to yourself.

I would also be VERY clear that I would not be looking after guests I didn't invite and didn't want. I think you are going to have to be blunt or he will keep ignoring you.

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 13:21

He is not exactly ignoring me he is communicating the way his family do which is - badly.

Everyone is definitely taking me for granted and I feel like I am the bad guy because I am upset.

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cloutiedumpling · 16/04/2014 13:36

I agree that you should have been included in the decision making. Is there anywhere else she could stay? Would there be anyone that she could housesit for? Even if it were only for a week or two out of the stay it might help to take some of the pressure off you.

fatowl · 16/04/2014 13:51

Dh did this to me. We also live overseas.

She arrived 16th Dec with an open ticket home. She talked about going home in March.
I almost lost my mind, she behaved so badly (DH agrees) and we sent her home 8th Feb. I was done. I didn't want to be in my own house.

She knows she has burnt bridges with me now due to her appalling behaviour and while she may come again it will be strictly on my terms.
I will never stay at her house again.

I'm sorry if that makes me sound like the DIL from hell, but it was two months of misery, she was rude to my friends, my plumber (never ever piss off your plumber), endlessly changed her mind about what she wanted to do after I'd cancelled/rearranged stuff to accommodate her, spoke to the kids like they were toddlers (they are 12 and 15) and played the martyr endlessly. She told dh his friends were awful and he shouldn't socialise with them (he is 43)

Sorry to hijack OP, but please stand your ground. It is two months since she left and I still appreciate it every morning when I get up and don't find her sat downstairs at 6am, dressed, shoes, handbag, with a "What are we doing today" look on her face.