To think I should be inclined in the decision making about when MIL comes to stay?

[Lookingforfocus]

DH and I are living abroad in a country neither of us are natives of. My MIL (who is 70) told my DH she would like to come to stay. My DH and his family talk to each other on the phone when he is driving to and from work and they hardly ever contact me. DH mentioned a few vague dates to me - maybe Oct-Nov for a month. Today DH mentioned casually in a conversation on the phone that he was booking a flight for his mum to come from late Nov to Jan - so all of Dec and Christmas at least without discussing it. He did not book yet and did apologize. I thought about it and said can she come as close to Christmas as possible and more time in Jan as Dec is the busiest month of the year for me (we have 3 kids)? He is saying he wants to save money, Dec is more expensive and I am not being welcoming to his mum.

I think I should be involved in all the discussion ahead of time and decision making as I will be the one most affected by her stay. I am at home, DH is gone from 6am-6pm. AIBU?

Glad your SIL gets it, sort of (FryOne is right). Shame your DH doesn't.
Seriously, given the chasing around the house thing (gasp!) if MIL comes, don't kill yourself doing stuff for her or with her.

Agree with mummytime that anyone who chased me around my own house would no longer be welcome to stay at all.

Your husband is seriously failing you here. I'd send him home with his precious mother tbh.

Perhaps you should travel back to the UK with the DC for the duration of MIL's visit. Spend time with friends.

I was going to suggest something like that Denzel. If my dh booked his mother for a six week holiday instead of four weeks that I had agreed to, I would be spending those last two weeks away from home with the children.

She could sit in an empty house all day waiting for dh to come home and feed her

My grandmother once stayed with us for three months when we kids were small. I've no idea why my mother put up with her mother's unpleasant treatment, or inflicted it on us, I really haven't. But it was very hard. I was really small, but I still remember the anger I felt at the whole situation. Everything at home seemed wrong, my mother was unhappy, my father was exasperated, my grandmother was nagging and critical. In the end, I was the one who cracked and shouted at her to go home. And got soundly told off, though as my parents admitted many years later, they felt exactly the same. It was crap really.

My Grandma used to go to my Uncles for a month or so each year for several years. I know he really had no idea what a poisonous old witch she could be. It came out how she'd treated my other Uncle's wife and the first Uncle was amazed - he told me and I couldn't believe he didn't know, she was much worse to his wife - he probably hadn't heard the story of when Grandad employed a neighbours wife to keep an eye on the kids either.
I loved that month as Mum and I had the house to ourselves, and she was so much nicer to me when she got home having spent time with those "other grandchildren". My Mum had very firm boundaries, so she wasn't allowed to nag me (for things like reading, which annoyed her).

My DH is very successful and to give my MIL credit she raised two lovely people. However I have realised recently that DH is the Golden Child (which he has lived up to) and SIL's job is to take care of her mum's feelings. Noone is direct about difficult issues in the family (DH and I are in our marriage) and MIL told me early in our marriage she would prefer to actually be lied to rather than confront unpleasant realities.

DH is a really lovely person and not in my opinion selfish but his mum relates to him in a way almost as if he is her husband rather than her son (PILS are divorced). We do have a comfortable life and MIL loves nothing better than to bask in DH's success. I'm not sure what my role is (as far as she is concerned) providing grand kids she can be proud of, of course. I do think I am a disappoint to her as I haven't had plastic surgery and I don't see myself as or act as a trophy wife (not remotely trophy like anyway!). I thinks she's thinks I'm a bit of an idiot and don't know how to spend money and be fabulous. I'm living her dream, except I'm not IYSWIM.

Even at our wedding I (not knowing her well I unfortunately did not read them ahead of time) let her write the bidding prayers and they waxed lyrical about all DH's incredible talents and abilities and to ask God's blessing on his life. For me she just wrote "And may Lookingforfocus be a successful (insert DH's career)'s wife"

I think all my parents old friends present thought I'd become a massive reactionary!

OP, I seriously think you need to do what denzel said and come home all over Christmas and for as long as possible.

How old are DC?

Could you get a job? Seriously, get a job just before they come and then give it up again if you want after they leave. That way you won't have to see them much and won't have to wait on them.

If it were me I would just say they can only come and visit for a week maximum and that DH would have to have holiday for at least half of that or no deal.

My parents died when I was young so there is really no one I could land on with three kids for two weeks at Christmas! Anyway I do love DH and we are always together. Maybe you are understanding the appeal of us being an ocean away? He has chosen to never live closer than 12 hours away from his family even though that would always be an option. Although this year I told him there is no way I could live anywhere where they could drive over to us! I told him we would end up divorced. SIL is also divorced.

To be fair I think the main reason why DH didn't talk to me abd also why I am steaming (although I am much calmer) is that we are moving next week and already stressed! We spent last night looking at new furniture and need to get a fridge etc, the kids are off and I'm trying to pack everything up. It just is bad timing to try and get this organized.

OK, how about you get DH to agree that he emails MIL and says "We have discussed how we want to proceed with having houseguests and have decided that, due to the long hours I work and the demands of family life, we will no longer have any guests for longer than a week. You are of course still very welcome and we would all love to see you, but a week will be the maximum stay from now on. Love Mr looking

My DH used to be clueless like this about my PILs.

DH is always pushing for trips to see them, not understanding that it's not exactly relaxing for me to spend my limited freetime as a guest on best behavior, keeping my mouth shut when PILs come out with various old-fashioned bigoted comments etc... Not to mention it involves flights which gets expensive when you do it five times a year!

DH finally learned his lesson when they came out to visit us at the worst possible time (me working a very stressful job ft and finishing up a college program and DH working madly to finish huge 3 year project by the deadline). PILs wanted to spend EVERY F*K*G moment that we weren't at work with us. They even fought against us (exhausted) going to bed at our normal time because they were never "tired yet"!! Poor DH learnt for the first time how it feels not get a moment to himself to relax, couldn't even have a beer (PILS v. against alcohol, not worth the passive aggressive comments) and just blow off steam. He decided that any future visits to our home would be the duration of a weekend only. Victory!

There's a big difference between visiting PILs at their home than them staying in your home when you have to juggle real life. I have a feeling that your DH might actually get to the point when he is looking forward to putting your MIL back on the plane home. Make sure that he doesn't get to scoot off to the pub without MIL in the evenings, you'll have her all day long it's only fair that he takes the evening/weekend shifts. Good luck!