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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be inclined in the decision making about when MIL comes to stay?

62 replies

Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 12:04

DH and I are living abroad in a country neither of us are natives of. My MIL (who is 70) told my DH she would like to come to stay. My DH and his family talk to each other on the phone when he is driving to and from work and they hardly ever contact me. DH mentioned a few vague dates to me - maybe Oct-Nov for a month. Today DH mentioned casually in a conversation on the phone that he was booking a flight for his mum to come from late Nov to Jan - so all of Dec and Christmas at least without discussing it. He did not book yet and did apologize. I thought about it and said can she come as close to Christmas as possible and more time in Jan as Dec is the busiest month of the year for me (we have 3 kids)? He is saying he wants to save money, Dec is more expensive and I am not being welcoming to his mum.

I think I should be involved in all the discussion ahead of time and decision making as I will be the one most affected by her stay. I am at home, DH is gone from 6am-6pm. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 14:09

No there is nowhere else she can stay, we were planning on sending her and SIL (if she comes) on a weeks trip to a destination she has always wanted to go on. So that was our compromise to give the family a breather but that's as when DH was talking about a month and it seemed at a very casual beginning of discussion level. Now it seems they ran the baton almost over the line (flight not booked yet!) and doubled the time frame.

I just sent the DH, his mum and SIL an email. I sat on it half an hour and then sent it. I just feel loads of talking is going on without me and so maybe MIl and SIL are under the impression I know - I have no idea.

OP posts:
RuthlessBaggage · 16/04/2014 14:19

"Why do you want your mother to come when you won't be able to spend any time with her? Don't you want to see her? Will she not get bored/lonely?"

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 14:19

Here is my hopefully not obnoxious email. I just want to get it all in the open, it always feels like I never know what is going on with anything regaridng them and I have no idea if that is deliberate or not.

"Hello DH, MIL and SIL,
I don't know what is going on but apparently a visit is being planned without anyone discussing it with me. I would just like to put it on record that none of you have talked to me about this or asked me about it. It would mean a lot to me if you had the kindness and courtesy to discuss ths with me. When any family (from DH's side or my side) comes to visit I go out of my way to treat others the way I would like to be treated and hopefully be a good host. I know (various relatives of DH) all told me how much they enjoyed the visit.

I don't understand if I am considered family why I am treated in this way. DH and I am going to talk tonight and Inhope with can come to a happy agreement for everyone.

Thanks, Lookingforfocus"

This may sound a bit full-on but I feel if I am vague I will get the short end of the stick. Do I sound like a nightmare?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 14:20

No MIL will not get bored and loney because I could never let a guest feel that way. She loves coming to ours.

OP posts:
DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 14:45

Well, I think you have put up for general discussion something that you and your DH needed to sort out between you. No good will come of it, because he will be annoyed and his family will side with him.

It is also not really fair on MIL and SIL who may well feel they are entitled to assume that if your DH is signing up to something it is because you and he have already agreed it. I mean, if I talk to my sister about a visit I don't insist she confirms to me that BIL is ok with it. I assume she is keeping him informed and don't interfere in their relationship.

So while I understand your annoyance, I think you need to be be prepared for a bit of a backlash.

RuthlessBaggage · 16/04/2014 14:53

Of course you wouldn't deliberately bore her, but you are not her son and you will be busy. It's demented of him to arrange a visit for when he will be too busy to be visited, anyway!

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 14:55

Yes, don't do too much. Putting yourself out for visitors over a fortnight is one thing, but people who come to stay for 2 months (aaargh!) have to slot in and go with the family flow.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/04/2014 15:00

I'd tell your husband that if he wants his mum to come he needs to take time off to be with her so he needs to arrange it around any time off he can take.

LouiseAderyn · 16/04/2014 15:16

I like the email. Hopefully it will embarrass your husband into behaving with more consideration towards you. I think you are right to step out from the dhadiws and make them all acknowledge that you exist, that it's your life which radically alters in order to accommodate them all.

I don't understand the thinking of ils who consider it okay to visit for weeks on end knowing it is their child's partner who will be looking after them and not their own son. It's so thoughtless

LouiseAderyn · 16/04/2014 15:17

Step out from the shadows, that should have said.

chipshop · 16/04/2014 15:19

Maybe she'll throw her toys out of the pram in response and say she's not coming as she doesn't feel welcome. hopeful

eightandthreequarters · 16/04/2014 15:27

I wouldn't send the email. I think you need to have it out with DH, and not invite MIL and SIL into your argument with your DH.

Set a time limit that is realistic for you and generous enough to DH & his mum. I would say 3 weeks is generous. Two months is utterly ridiculous. But you pick a limit you can live with. Anything over that limit, he takes time off and entertains her himself.

HE is to inform his family that making travel plans without consulting you will never happen in the future.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/04/2014 15:29

I think it is an issue between you and your husband - I am actually pretty shocked that you've sent that e-mail before you and he have even discussed things face to face.

eightandthreequarters · 16/04/2014 15:30

Ah, just read properly that you already sent the email. Well, hope it works.

I think you & DH should work on communicating more effectively with each other.

zipzap · 16/04/2014 15:31

When does your dh get down time if he can't take time off around christmas?

I would use gentle attack as the best form of defence and say that you think it is really mean to drag mil all the way here when you know you can't take any time off to be with her. What's the point of her being here at Christmas if you are not going to be here together, basically you seem to be saying that you want your mum to Pay a premium to fly out to see the rest of us at Christmas but you can't be around - sounds like you want to be the dutiful son and get all the kudos for hosting her and yet not have any of the hassle or disruption of actually spending any time with her...

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 15:32

Ha ha chipshop! I included SIL in email as she had fwded something that looked like she was in the loop. She just replied saying that was her way of trying to give me a heads-up! She said "I sent the last info I had to you cause I was worried DH had not told you" so she knows how things go. This is not the first time I have been the last to know (but of course get the blame if someone is not happy). My MIL has yelled at me down the phone and chased me around my house so I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from her so she's not a shy retiring violet by any means. I know it should be just between us but I am starting to think DH and his mum are as bad as each other so I kind of wanted to get it out in the open. I just cannot do 2 months. 1 month at most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 15:34

Zipzap I think you misunderstand the dynamic of MIL's visit. She wants to be able to hang out at our house be fed and watered, seeing DH in the evenings is fine - she just doesn't want to be responsible for her own life. She will just LOVE being here!

OP posts:
eightandthreequarters · 16/04/2014 15:36

I think you've just made having any conversation with DH about this more difficult. I see why you've done it, sure. But it's always better to deal with these issues inside your partnership, and present a united front to his family.

Even a month is a LONG time.

Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 15:37

Alibaba So it's alright for the whole IL family to know what's going on (even to the ooint of booking flights) and talk to each other daily but it's shocking if I send an email saying "what is going on?"

Sorry don't mean to be a pain - I just find it very hard to know what is going on if noone tells me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforfocus · 16/04/2014 15:39

I guess everyone else is allowed to be oissed off except me - DH, his mum... Well I am pissed off and I don't care who knows it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/04/2014 16:04

I have just read the bit where she yelled at you and chased you around the house. Based on that alone, she would not be welcome in my house.

mummytime · 16/04/2014 16:04

I don't blame you. Actually if I had "MIL has yelled at me down the phone and chased me around my house so I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from her" from anyone they would never be staying in my house again. Well unless it had been a one off condition that had since been treated (some people act oddly on certain medications or when hypoglycemic).

Your email was a bit strongly worded - but that's your decision. Your SIL does seem to "get it".

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/04/2014 16:12

I think you were right to send the email, your later description of being chased and yelled at by your MiL would imply that she's unlikely to understand subtlety so needs the blunt end of a message.

She's sounds bloody hard work as does your selfish dh.

Good luck and stand your ground, sounds like you need to be determined on this one!

FryOneFatManic · 16/04/2014 16:18

If the SIL sent the other email as a "heads up" because she thought the OP didn't know, then she could have simply told her brother that he needed to discuss it with his wife first.

She might "get it" but still avoided saying anything.

zipzap · 16/04/2014 16:19

If your sil has sent you stuff to give you a heads up as she's worried dh won't have bothered to tell you stuff then the email is fine as she will get what the email is for and reply so that she supports you.

And OP - I get that your mil is perfectly happy just being there with you. I was just hoping that it might shame your dh into changing the dates or being more involved in his own mother's trip Grin

I'd also be finding out why they think that if they have agreed a month for a visit, why they think that it is ok to double that without so much as a whisper of a question to check it was still ok!