AIBU to be annoyed that friend invited herself out for lunch with us?

[chesterberry]

Just to set the scene I am visiting my family in the place I grew up and so have been arranging to catch up with friends. My phone has been broken and so I have been using facebook for this.

Last week I arranged to see a very good friend (friend A) who I have not seen for months. I have a DD (8mo) and she has no children, we arranged to meet at a 'naice' tea rooms for lunch. Obviously some of my attention will need to be directed to my daughter but she is usually quite good and I'm expecting her to take her nap. We'll be able to have adult conversation.

Anyway, Friend A posted on my facebook wall something along the lines of, 'See you at Naice Cafe tomorrow at 12.' Another friend, Friend B, saw it and commented, 'Hey, hope it's okay if I come along too. Would be really nice to do something with DD1(3) and DD2(7) today.' Friend A sees Friend B quite regularly and I have also seen Friend B quite regularly, her DD1 is my god daughter, I have a lovely relationship with both girls and her children adore my DD. In normal circumstances I would love to spend the day with them, however having two young but aware children will mean that almost all adult conversation over lunch is a no no. I also foresee that once we have eaten they will start to get bored and so we will probably end up drawing the outing to a close pretty early.

We have the sort of group of friends where it is quite common for meetings and arrangements to be made amongst a couple of people and then an open invite to be given for anybody else to join in, although that wasn't the case here. Saying no to friend wasn't really an option without upsetting her so she is coming and I'm sure we'll have a nice time, but AIBU to feel annoyed that she invited herself knowing Friend A and I haven't seen each other in months and knowing bring DC would change the dynamic of the afternoon?

[chesterberry]

By the way I just want to add we would never re-arrange to meet somewhere else without telling Friend B. We're not going to cancel either, she is a very good friend to both of us and as I said in the OP I am sure we will have a lovely lunch together, it just probably won't be the kind of catch-up I was expecting. I am annoyed that the situation has changed but I am not really annoyed with Friend B who would have seen it as an open invite. Perhaps unfairly if Friend B was leaving her DC with her DP I wouldn't have minded her joining us at all, it's more that by bringing her DC the whole nature of the lunch has changed and certain areas of conversation will be a no go. I accept this is probably very unreasonable of me, especially as in a year or so my DD won't fit into an adult-centred lunch either.

I will arrange another date (via private message!) with Friend A to catch up properly and instead see this lunch as a nice time out with both friends and the DC.

[Lilaclily]

Aw op I'm very jealous of you going out to lunch with two dear friends today :) especially if you gave a glass of

[GinAndToast]

I think you are being rather precious about "adult time" and "adult conversation" in my opinion.

Hope friend B never realises your dismay. Or friend A for that matter (she'll think you'll drop her too from Adult Lunches if she has children!!)

Children are part of parcel of being an Adult Who Has Chosen To Have Children and certainly don't need to dominate a conversation...

So yeah, yabu.

[Mintyy]

I would have no problem with replying "Oh Friend B, do you mind if I just have Friend A to myself today? We hardly ever get to see each other and I was hoping for a grown-ups only thing, I am expecting baby to sleep through lunch. Have you got a different day we could meet up with the children? would love to see you all! xx"

[chesterberry]

Thanks lilaclily - I think I was was overlooking that I am lucky to be going out with two very good friends and that we will have a lovely time regardless. Oh dear, I was being very selfish wasn't I!

Thanks for everybody's responses and I accept I was probably being unreasonable! Now I'd better start packing for the mammoth operation that is 'leaving the house with DD.' :D

[nannynewo]

OP you could still go to the soft play after your meal? the kids will be busy running around and you can have more adult conversation then.

[OddFodd]

I don't know where you are but the weather's beautiful here. Perhaps you can all go to the park afterwards so you can walk and talk and friend B's kids can run around :) And by the way, I don't think you're being at all selfish and unreasonable - of course the whole tenor of the meeting is going to be altered if you have aware children there. I hope you have a lovely time anyway

[Lilaclily]

Have a nice time & don't forget to update us !

[JodieGarberJacob]

If adult conversation is so important I've found it is best to arrange a night out. The best laid plans at lunchtime invariably end up with someone having a last minute letdown of childcare!

Agree about FB being an open invite if you have that type of circle of friends.

Also there's no way that friend B would for a moment think that you and friend A hadn't had a catch up alone in ages. Unless she's the type that has a spreadsheet of people's movements

[WeAreEternal]

If she is really that good of a friend you should be able to say "Sorry B, A and I were planning a lunch for just the two of us to have a good catch up as we haven't seem each other in ages, we could arrange a meet up with all the DCs another day"

I don't see why she would be upset or offended by it since she was inviting herself anyway.

[differentnameforthis]

I think YABU. If you wanted it kept private, that is what PM on fb is for.

[Lilaclily]

How's lunch going op?

[kelda]

This is why I keep my FB wall closed to anyone else posting on it.

[emms1981]

Stop using facebook, get a new phone and be glad you have friends,some I'd us don't have any

[PoirotsMoustache]

People need to stop telling the OP she should have used PM and not posted on a wall - she DID use PM; it was her friend who posted on her wall!!!

[Mintyy]

Ah don't you have any friends emms1981? - can't think why .

[Pigletin]

Stop using facebook, get a new phone

But why? Some people's suggestions really baffle me. You must really not like people emms...

[chesterberry]

Belated update (problems with my internet) but just wanted to update and say that for the most part lunch was lovely. Friend B was running about 20 minutes late (not unusual for her) but that did give Friend A and I a chance for a bit of a chat!

I did feel a little guilty about my annoyance as on arrival Friend B kept saying she hoped we didn't mind she was there as she knew Friend A and I hadn't seen each other in ages but she and her DP were having some problems and she needed some friend time. Her DC weren't initially impressed by the menu (no chips!) but other than that lunch was lovely (and they did enjoy their baked potatoes). For me it was actually helpful for me to have Friend B's eldest DD there to entertain my DD and keep her happy in the high chair!

We did afterwards go a local park, my DD fell asleep and friend's DC were off happily playing so the three of us had time to actually discuss the finer details of our lives away from little ears. Friend B then took her DC home and Friend A and I went for a look around the shops and a coffee so we got some time together as well.

All in all it was a lovely afternoon and I feel silly for ever being annoyed about it now!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Was reading this for the first time and just thinking up tactics OP and then read update so see it's all sorted. Glad it worked out.

Sorry emms you don't sound very chipper do you need a thread of your own to vent?

[Bowlersarm]

Nice update OP.

[kelda]

Glad it went well in the end.

[diddl]

Glad it went well.

Another time though think about saying no to someone who has invited themselves & make a seperate arrangement with them if you want.

Is it possible friend A was hoping that B would come along as well?

B sounds very self centred.

She knew that you & A hadn't seen each other for a while but butted in as she needs her friends atm?

[Bunbaker]

Do you and your friends no longer use a landline any more? Could you not have arranged this meeting that way?

[LokiTheCynicalCat]

Laughing at the idea of using a landline to arrange meet-ups these days.

Everyone knows they're only for PPI claim companies or "Dave" from "Microsoft" to ring up in the middle of the day when you have better things to be doing and try and spoil your lunch/dinner/baby's nap time.