To not want to be the minority where I live?

[Charlottehines]

It really saddens me that in parks and soft plays with my children, that I am in the minority and my children can't play with other children there as they all play together and obviously can't speak English.
I'm in no way racist, my husband is of mixed origin but I do find it incredibly sad that my children are growing up the minority especially when these other groups make no effort to integrate with other mums or the children.
Am I completely unreasonable to feel sad about this?

If someone I had never spoken to was giving me 'death glares', I would assume that they were very unhappy about something, not just imagine that they hate me for being white (WTF?).

Well, that did occur to me but I've seen her smiling and chatting with the other mums so when her face turns to thunder the moment she sees me...I do tend to believe I am the cause of her unhappiness although she doesn't know me from Jack. It could, of course, be unhappiness that I married someone from her general community (whether her specific one I have no idea).

I do not like this thread at all.

The sad thing is there are many English people who feel this way. They will not say, they may even smile with their neighbours/colleagues of other cultures but deep down they dislike 'mixing'.

You dislike being the minority. Think of the black, Asians and other cultures that have ALWAYS been the minority in this country. You can live literally anywhere and be accepted whereas they cannot so naturally form close net communities.

Oh I wouldn't worry about your children when they start school. My children go to school with quite a lot of children from Polish or Eastern European backgrounds - they are easily to use a MN favourite the brightest, most enthusiastic kids in the class, their manners are fabulous & their parents would be scundered if they hit another child. Seems like you've been a bit unlucky.

I also live in Sutton and I don't recognise it from the OP's description. I do hear other languages in the playground but would never consider myself to be in a minority. I see plenty of bad behaviour from both children and parents but this isn't confined to one group and I still see far more good behaviour.

We don't live in a city. Our town is very white, so it shocked me when we went to a city park for a day out and at some points I was the only english speaking parent. More english speakers came and went through the day.

I did notice that the Asian women tended to stick together, but their children and the children of other minorities played nicely together. One other parent who spoke broken english approached me and chatted as best we could for a while. I found the children far friendlier than some of the children around here to be fair.

DD2 made friends with a lovely wee asain girl. She didn't speak english (her older sister did but told me that her baby sister had just started nursery and was just learning english) but she and dd2 seemed to be able to communicate easily enough using body language, pointing, smiling etc.

It is the 'they'and 'it is getting worse' 'x place is even worse' comments which do the damage.Maybe there is another thread on here about how a mum feels isolated from the other parents in her children's class as she is not white British!

Right.

OP I have spent the last 30 years in zone 2 London and the last 6 months in zone 3. SW so close to Surrey. Sutton is not majority ethnic although it is more diverse than, say, Cheam, Epsom, Carshalton, etc., but not nearly as diverse at Croydon/Mitcham which still are not majority ethnic.

Second point of fact Eastern Europeans are far more matter of fact about children sorting things out amongst themselves, learning to laugh off a graze or scrape, and generally developing a bit of "toughness" - no Eastern European blood in me - oh no

Third point, where I live most of the Asians are quite openly moaning about the Poles/Eastern Europeans and the Asian gentleman who owns most of the shops locally now employs the Poles almost exclusively because by his own admission they work harder than his his nephews and nieces who have become entitled like the Brits.

Fourth point, if you don't like Sutton any more, move. I wouldn't live in Sutton because when I've gone to the shops there I haven't liked a lot of the people there mostly indigenous whites

Fifth point - if you don't like the playground you've been playing in, find another one; likewise soft play centre. All playgrounds have dc who play there regularly; all parents and children like some more than others.

Sixth point - Belt up.

There seems an obvious solution to this - learn the language! I am one o those awul english people who can't speak other languages for love nor money, this is becaue i don't have to. If i were to move to a non-english speaking country i'd have to learn athat is surely a good thing. So maybe if you made an effort to learn Polish you could introduce yourself, they could learn English from you, you could learn polish from them - its win win.

Don't you go to soft play with your friends and their children? When i used to have to go to those places hell holes My DD would often struggle to make friends as often the other children are there with siblings or friends. It would only really be that she would hit lucky if there was another child there on their own - and this is a predominantly white, english speaking area - so no language or ethnicity barriers, just the general social barriers than many people encounter. I found it at M&T groups too - people are cliquey, maybe i'm just not that sociable but it did used to bother me.

We have a beach not so far from us, its a lovely beach and the majority of people who use it are eastern european - i like going there, it makes me feel like im on holiday

If someone gaveme death glares on school run I'd assume it was because either they had bitchy resting face (my colleague has this but is lovely) or that they thought I was an arse.

Not because I was a different race.

Anyone who assumes that as reason is possibly racist though so maybe the person has picked up on that.

I live on the borders of north Surrey/hounslow. I don't actually think (being so close to Heathrow) you can get more diversity anywhere else in the UK - less than 40% of people living in hounslow are white british, to give you an idea.
Yes, about... 50% of the adults that have moved here from another country (not born here) don't want to interact with English adults/children and aren't very interested in learning more than basic English. However, the other 50% are trying so desperately to fit in and just want to get on with life!
Tbh, if you went to a non-English speaking country and found an English community, I bet they would be much ruder and less willing to learn the language/mix with the community.
YANBU to not want to be a minority.
YABU for the situation though. If it was a group of English mums that all knew each other and their children were playing together, you wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Oh and YABU and racist and you know this

We live in a very white middle class area and have recently had a big influx of Eastern Europeans into the school I work in.

Without exception the parents are far stricter and the kids better behaved than most of out 'middle class white kids'.

They mix well, kids and adults, and are great for bringing in new ideas for topic work/visits/dance workshops etc.

I've found children gravitate towards other children whether they speak the same language or not- provided they like them. when we went on holiday last summer to Tunisia my DD struck up a friendship with a little French girl. they didn't speak the same language (all my DD can say in French is "bon joooor" in the style of Del Boy) but with the help of the little girls au pair to translate they were fine.

Similarly the town where we used to live (SE) one of the neighbours and her DC were Polish and while the mother spoke English her daughter who was about 4 didn't. her and my DD who was the similar age at the time bonded over peppa pig tho and played together anyway.

I know tons of eastern european parents, OP, and none of them are as you describe.

Oh to add regards behaviour!

Not one of the 'foreign parents' has passed off bad behaviour as their 'bright child is bored and unchallenged so that's why he is basically a nightmare in the classroom' standing joke in the staff room as it's the excuse from some middle class parents.

Never true by the way.

I have lived abroad with small DC. I could speak the local language but the Dc didn't. Little boys especially are very quick to start pushing others, if they don't have the words for "it's my turn now" in a shared language. DS1 certainly started to do that. It can be bloody exhausting keeping an eye on it.

It always strikes me as odd that so many people are willing to accept other races/cultures wanting to live near each other and form communities yet if a seemingly "white British" person expresses a wish to live in a community with others they are branded as racist.

Surely this is human nature? Or is anyone who wants to live near/marry/befriend others from their own race or culture racist?

I am slightly concerned about the amount of "run ins" you appear to be having with other mothers. In your own admittance some of the English too. I think you might need to address this and maybe everything will be ok?

I live in a part of London where my mum is one of few white British people, yet I have never encountered this problem. DDs friends are Polish, Turkish, Asian, black (the list goes on), as are mine. Are you/your DCs making any attempt to communicate with others top? I understand that it can be intimidating when people are already in groups of friends but you can't expect them to come to you.

I've always found children play together even if they don't speak the same language.

Can I just point out that being at home during the day on a weekday does not automatically mean the person does not work.Not all jobs are Monday to Friday 9-5. I don't get that many days off but when I do 9 times out of 10 that day off is a weekday. I sometimes also work a backshift so will be at home at 10am for example. Sorry about the slight tangent but I've been made to feel the need to apologise for not being at work so many times I feel the need to educate people when they make the assumption.

Where we live (nw London) it is a very mixed area, I have never had this problem at all, at dcs school/pre school or in the park dcs seem to manage to play even with children who cannot speak English.

When ds was at pre school there was a polish boy he played with and he came home asking to learn polish words so he could say hello to his friend! if children want to play they seem to find a way even if they can't speak the same language.