Sex was not discussed in our household at all.
When I was around 7, my best friend was given a book called "How Babies Are Made". She brought it round to show me and we pored over it in astonishment. My mum found us reading it, I got smacked and a severe warning not to read that kind of rude stuff.
Didn't stop me discovering Judy Blume at 10-ish which was when I first read about periods but completely misunderstood the concept and thought women bled every day without stop until they were 55 and they only way I would be able to keep swimming (which I loved) would be to wear a tampon, which scared me and I just knew my mum would never allow it.
Around this time, my mum once said to me, in the car, randomly as we pulled away from my grandmother's house after a visit. "You know you'll probably get your period soon, that will be the next headache for me to deal with" Yeah, not a picnic for me either mum! That was all that was said and it was made quite clear I wasn't to question her any further. I think that counts as "the talk".
My first period came on two months before my eleventh birthday and I was terrified, partly because of the amount of blood and the pain but because I still thought this is it for the rest of my life and also I just didn't know how to tell my mum. After a day and a half of crying in my room, she finally worked out what had happened and set my mind at ease about it being a monthly thing. She was quite nice about it and bought me sanitary towels but as expected told me I was forbidden from using tampons.
My periods were very heavy and painful but she refused to talk about it, even when teh school nurse sent a letter home saying I should see a doctor. Finally when I was 29, I did something about it and got an endometrioisis diagnosis. Once my dad came thundering into my bedroom to tell me I was disgusting because there was some blood left unflushed in the toilet - he told me if I did that again, he would knock me into the middle of next week.
Later, the only concession to a sex talk was "you're one of those girls that's so stupid, you'll get pregnant as a teenager. Well don't think about coming home here if you do, you'll be on your own". My mum then inadvertently found out about my first sexual relationship just before I turned 17 and threw me out the house for being a slut. I stayed with another relative for three weeks before she let me back in. Then one of my friends got pregnant at 17 and her reaction was "but she was such a good girl, I always assumed you would be the one to do that".
Funnily enough, now I'm 35 she's permanently disappointed in my non-pregnant state. Be careful what you wish for, mother.
At 18 and home from uni for the holidays, I made a GP appointment to discuss contraception. I know, should have done it away from home... One the day of the appointment the receptionist called to say the GP was sick and could she reschedule, only she spoke to my dad. He immediately put two and two together and realised I wasn't sick so it must be a sex thing. He went utterly ballistic at me sneaking around, being a slut.
I have, at times, been sick with envy when I have witnessed other teenagers have such open relationships with their parents about sex and it is with a mixture of sadness and love that I read threads on mumsnet about mothers helping their daughters with their first periods, choosing effective sanpro, giving advice on sex and contraception etc.