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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I might not have my final IVF treatment

63 replies

Pipbin · 09/04/2014 21:03

We've been trying for about three years. I have blocked tubes so conceiving naturally is unlikely. We are very lucky where we live and get three goes at IVF on the NHS. We have had two goes at IVF which have been unsuccessful. The third round can start as soon as I like.

To start with I was desperate for a baby. I was in tears at every period and pregnancy announcement. However I have started to question if it's what I really want.
For most people they decide to start trying and conceive before they have had a chance to think about it as much as I have. Would anyone have children if they had long enough to think it through?
Yesterday DH asked me if it's what we really want. We are both happy at the moment with both our jobs and lifestyle. His words 'everyone tells me having children is wonderful but no one seems to be having much fun.' Our closest friends don't have children by choice, in fact most of our friends are child free.

I'm not asking you ladies to make this decision for me, just some thoughts.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/04/2014 21:09

I honestly think everyone underestimates the reality of having children, both the amount of work they are and the huge love you have for them.

I have 4 dc but I would probably be happier if I hadn't had any. My first one was completely unplanned - double contraception failure, I honestly don't know how anyone can make that decision to have a first!

indigo18 · 09/04/2014 21:10

Do you have to have the third course straight away, or can you delay until you are clearer on what you want?

whitepuddingsupper · 09/04/2014 21:10

Will you always regret it and think "what if" if you don't use your final cycle, that's what would give me pause for thought. You must have wanted a baby enough to go through the first two tries, is it a psychological way of protecting yourself from disappointment in case the last one fails?

BitsinTatters · 09/04/2014 21:12

Looks at chaos around me and empty bank balance I have 3!

What happens if you don't have it and in 5 years time think if only? If you can handle the what ifs and potentially seeing your now childless friends with small babies ...

Are you resigning yourself to not have one or is the fear of "failing" with ivf again? I feel for you and agree with PP. It's a bloody hard decision to have your first

My first was also double contraception failure!!

Original poster

Pipbin · 09/04/2014 21:19

The third course is up to me timing wise, but I am now 39 so it has to be in the next 12 months.

Part of me does think that it could be a way of me protecting myself psychologically. If I don't do it now then its over really.

I am a reception teacher and that gives me some of the pluses of having children. I get to influence children and pass on my skills and knowledge.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/04/2014 21:23

Having children is hard hard work and no one can ever be sure how it will work out for them.

For me, I feel amazed that I created and grew two gorgeous new lives. It's like I've discovered magic is actually real. There are days I would love some peace and to just sleep but I would never go back to my childfree life. That life seems fun but pretty pointless.

Good luck with your decision.

ProlificPenguin · 09/04/2014 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sazzle82 · 09/04/2014 21:26

I don't know if I would ever have been ready to have children, until I got pregnant by accident. We decided to go ahead with the pregnancy but it wasn't to be. I then became desperate for a baby. After 3 mc I was a mess and needed a break.

Once I was ready to consider it again we set a rough date that we would ttc from. As that date got nearer I began to freak out, I had worked hard on getting myself back together and had a nice life with lots of fun. However for DH it was something he really wanted.

Now dd is here I wouldn't change her for the world, but it's hard, it's tiring, babies are needy and your time is not your own. I think I would have regretted not having children, and I don't envy people who have chosen not to have children, but I do envy those with older kids who have a bit more freedom back (although a lot of that is down to breastfeeding, if I ff i would be making my life a lot easier).

Original poster

Pipbin · 09/04/2014 21:26

I'm not Penguin, I just want people's thoughts. It's too big a decision to let MN decide. That is for if you should have another G&T.

OP posts:

JRmumma · 09/04/2014 21:28

It sounds to me like you are terrified that the next/last attempt might not be successful and it might be easier to live with the fact that you chose not to have a child rather than that you couldn't.

Good luck whatever you decide.

RandomMess · 09/04/2014 21:29

I would give yourself a break and not consider it either way for 4-6 months, get on with enjoying your life.

Revisit it then?

BadgersRetreat · 09/04/2014 21:31

everyone tells me having children is wonderful but no one seems to be having much fun

I always think this too - but then i'm a bit biased as i don't want them.

MN is the only place i have seen people be honest about how bloody difficult it really is.

Friend of mine finally had a baby at 45 using egg donation after YEARS of trying. She never seems to be very enthusiastic about being a mum

Wandastartup · 09/04/2014 21:32

I have 2 DD- the first conceived after our first IVF cycle. Before we knew if it had worked I had decided not to have another cycle as I felt trying once was sufficient. Obviously it did work so the decision never needed to be tested. My children have brought me incredible joy but there are days( today for example) when the howling and winging start as soon as they get up, carry on as I take them to the childminder, I work hard all day, rush home to see them and they then fight, bicker and howl until bed time. I know they are over tired by the end of my working week & we do have Lovely days but at times, skint, miserable and full of whining your DH does have a point. I hope that as they grow up the happy days outweigh the grumpy ones.

limeades · 09/04/2014 21:34

Hi OP

As a fellow IVFer I do sympathize. I've had one cycle succeed (dd aged 2) and this year I've had one fail and on my third now. I do think you may be coming to terms with the third treatment failing before its begun, I know I do this with each cycle and question why I'm doing it as I'm happy already.

As you're a teacher presumably you like children and from my experience I'd recommend you use your third try. I don't have NHS funding and IVF is expensive as you know! Perhaps you could keep the cycle a secret if you don't want to discuss the potential 'failure' in rl? And plan what to do after, ie no more IVF or one more cycle that's self funded? Good luck!

Edenviolet · 09/04/2014 21:37

Bit harsh penguin

I wonder if it is a way of protecting yourself in the event of ivf failing again but only you know that for definite. I would echo what a pp said about how will you feel perhaps in a few years time if you don't go ahead with the last cycle.
Saying that, ivf is terribly difficult, physically and emotionally and some people find it tougher than others. Is it just the ivf itself do you think that is making you doubt yourself as it is quite gruelling?

Maybe ask yourself the question what would you do/how would you feel if you unexpectedly got pregnant naturally? The answer to that would tell you a lot. Does your clinic offer counselling? That may help as well.

Good luck x

insanityscatching · 09/04/2014 21:38

My first dc was a contraception failure. I planned on never having children tbh. Then I had ds1 and felt so much more fulfilled than I had ever imagined I could be. Now I have five dc and am blissfully happy being a mother and find it easy too. I do think though that had I never have had dc1 I could have been equally happy childless in so far as I'm not sure I'd have missed what I had never had.

JohnCusacksWife · 09/04/2014 21:40

Have ridden the whole IUI/IVF roller coaster and now have 2 DDs - the first as a result of IVF, the second naturally. It's a hard, hard process to go through, as you'll know, but I think you must know deep down whether you want to give it one final go or not. When you wake up at 3 in the morning what does the little voice inside your head say? Because I usually think that little voice speaks the truth.

TuttiFrutti · 09/04/2014 21:42

I would do it if you are 39. This could be your last chance, and if you don't try you might spend the rest of your life wondering "what if", possibly with some big regrets.

I like your dh's comment about nobody looking as if they are having fun! The first few years are hard work, and fun is definitely not the predominant characteristic, but it is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Do you want your life to be just about "fun"? Some people do, and that's fine, but I wanted more.

Woobeedoo · 09/04/2014 21:43

I'm also of the mindset that if you don't do it, who's to say that in 13months time you aren't hit with a massive What If pang of regret?

I conceived my son on the second go of IVF (we actually had ICSI on round 2 and different injectables), I said to my OH that I would take all my free goes if necessary before stopping as I knew I'd doubt myself if I stopped after the first go.

As you know and have said, only you and your husband can make the decision but I'd also suggest contacting your fertility unit and asking them for a little more info on fertilisation - ie are your eggs good, is Hubby's sperm good or can supplements be taken to improve both. Did they have binding issues (we had 2 sperm fertilise 1 egg with our IVF, hence ICSI for the next go). Did you stim for the maximum amount of time - this can result in tough egg casings which even the toughest sperm cannot headbutt through. Do you have any hormonal conditions such as PCOS? If yes, Menopur is not for you and you should have Gonal F which is 100% follicle stimulating hormone (I have PCOS, on Menopur I got 3 eggs and stimmed for 14 days. On Gonal F I got 11 and I stimmed for a week).

Sorry to have gone on a bit, I daresay you've most likely done your own research on IVF but if not, I hope the above helps with the decision process. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

Good luck
x

Purplepoodle · 09/04/2014 21:47

Could you see yourself never having children? Could you carry on teaching your reception kids and feel happy if you decided not to do the final round of ivf?

I have children but when myself and oh got together we had a long chat about things like children. We both wanted children but decided if it didn't happen or with minimum intervention that we would try and enjoy a child free life. I wasn't a child lover before having kids, neither was oh but we knew we would adore our own iykwim BUT if we had never had them I don't think our life would be any less fulfilling just different

I have several friends who have decided it's not for them. They just refocused on different things. They work hard at their careers and do enjoy a comfortable lifestyle of nice home, luxury holidays, lots of nights out, weekends away. Nothing wrong with it, it's just a different life.

Original poster

Pipbin · 09/04/2014 21:48

Everyone in RL knows it's happening as I've not kept it a secret. My work has been lovely letting me have time off.
If I go for time three I will do it over the summer for the sake of work and being able to relax.

If I suddenly got pregnant then I would be ecstatic. I think that gives me an answer really.

OP posts:

rabbitlady · 09/04/2014 21:50

i think i'd do it because the opportunity is there and might not be again.
i only have one child, conceived at the first try, and she's grown up. she was and is the best thing ever to happen in my life. one's own experience of parenting is always different from other people's - just like one's own pfb (mine especially) is really amazing...
but you if you can't face more treatment, and aren't sure you want a child now, then don't do it. lots of people choose childlessness and there is no reason why your ivf experiences shouldn't influence your choice.

BABaracus · 09/04/2014 21:50

The advice I was given pre-children was that having children is the hardest thing you will ever do - but also the most rewarding. This has definitely been my experience.

MrsCocoa · 09/04/2014 21:52

Does the clinic have a specialist fertility counsellor you could have a chat with?

Worth really exploring how you are both feeling to help give you peace of mind that any decision you take is soundly based and taken in full view of all relevant factors? .

Original poster

Pipbin · 09/04/2014 21:53

Woobeedoo Everything else about us is brilliant, except I am over weight. His sperm is prizewinning and I have an AMH level of 30! Last time they got 9 mature eggs, all of which fertilised. It's just my tubes that scupper it all.

OP posts:

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