To think I might not have my final IVF treatment

[Pipbin]

We've been trying for about three years. I have blocked tubes so conceiving naturally is unlikely. We are very lucky where we live and get three goes at IVF on the NHS. We have had two goes at IVF which have been unsuccessful. The third round can start as soon as I like.

To start with I was desperate for a baby. I was in tears at every period and pregnancy announcement. However I have started to question if it's what I really want.
For most people they decide to start trying and conceive before they have had a chance to think about it as much as I have. Would anyone have children if they had long enough to think it through?
Yesterday DH asked me if it's what we really want. We are both happy at the moment with both our jobs and lifestyle. His words 'everyone tells me having children is wonderful but no one seems to be having much fun.' Our closest friends don't have children by choice, in fact most of our friends are child free.

I'm not asking you ladies to make this decision for me, just some thoughts.

Oh, and I don't find the treatment stressful or physically difficult.

I have huge respect for people who actively decide not to have kids because in the cases I have known it has been a very definite, extremely considered decision. I am not sure if you can "regret" such decisions because they are right at the time.

I am exhausted and skint but having kids is absolutely the most wonderful thing that has happened to me.

I think you do know the answer based on your last post. All the very best.

Having kids is hard work, no doubt about it. My two drive me crazy, especially at the moment as they are REALLY pushing boundaries right now.

But when I'm not feeling like strangling them, I look at them and I really do feel overwhelmed with love for them. I still just look at them sleeping in their beds at night sometimes and just want to hold them. DS2's hugs at night just melt any of the days' frustrations.

And I wasn't really sure I wanted kids!

Apart from the first few months to a year, you have alternative options to being the absolute sole carer to children. You can go back to work part time and have childcare for part of the day.

On the days when I was busiest and working and having someone else look after the boys I was so utterly delighted to spend time with them when I got home, their behaviour just never seemed to affect me as badly then. For me, a bit of time away from them occasionally energised me and let me be a far better mum to them.

Guess what I'm trying to say is that the WAY other people have chosen to run their families, doesn't need to dictate how you do it. You choose what works for you, for whatever reason they work for you. So don't just look at their lives and think 'I don't want that, so therefore I don't want children'. You can do it differently.

Only you can make that decision. But we were 3 years ttc (unexplained) before having DS1 and while I did start envisioning an alternate future without kids (more holidays, weekends away, more money in the bank, security etc) it wasn't the future I wanted, but you don't always get what you want in life and you have to be prepared. Our IVF cycle was a failure, but we were lucky enough to conceive naturally before our second cycle.

My brother always knew he never wanted kids as did his wife, they announced this as soon as they married in their early twenties to avoid the 'pitter patter' comments from family. They're living the life they wanted and have never ever regretted it (both in their fifties now).

He got to choose childlessness though, for a lot of people you don't get to choose, it happens. I would not have spent the rest of my life moping if I hadn't have had a child, but I would always have carried a loss - but we're all so different, I would never say that's the way everyone would feel, it was just how I know I felt and would have continued to feel.

If I were you I'd go for the third cycle, just because in life, generally I think you tend to regret the things you don't do more than the things you do.

I love being a mother, my children are my world.

Yes I have stretch marks like a road map, separated stomach muscles, tired and on the go all the time.

But I have loved the last few years with them ( after overcoming PND)

Such a difficult decision. I have 3 dc's and bloodey he'll it is hard work.
There is no glamour, no endless fun, no friggin Waltons bedtime( not in this house anyway) maternity leave can be lonely. Soft play and kids parties are hell and don't get me started on school drop off pick up nightmare.
It is endless, relentless, ongoing, sleep deprived and soul destroying.
I do feel though that it is worth every gummy smile minute. Current newborn is only 4 months so still adorable.

For all the crap days the few lovely, heart stopping soppy moments are life changing.

Only you know what is for you. There is so much pressured to have DC.

Hi Pip,

Has the chance of having NK cells been investigated? If everything else is good, that could be worth them investigating. I don't think it's done on the NHS though.

I didn't find IVF/ICSI stressful either (and used to feel quite bad admitting that as I know others who had a really bad time), I am one of those people who just knuckles down and follows rules to achieve something and the IVF process is like a big list of rules!!

x

I think I somewhat understand how you feel (two IVF treatments, second one successful, after 6 years of trying various things and nearly giving up at several points). I have never regretted succeeding for a single moment, however.

I always think the 'what if' thing is a bit of a red herring. OK you might sometimes wonder that in the future if you never do have kids. But the risks of that may not be any greater than the risk of HAVING kids, not loving it and then wistfully wondering 'what if' you hadn't had them...? And that would be the worse position to be in, surely, because then you'd really be trapped.

A lot of very negative comments! I love being a mum and wouldn't change things for the world. Admitted mine are older now (10 & 8) and it was harder when they were younger but never to the point where I was miserable! I'd say they become easier when they're about 3 and prob harder in a different way when they hit teens!

I got pregnant on my 3rd IVF attempt. We already had one child but I always wanted more, but we had secondary infertility.

I almost didn't go for the 3rd round of treatment. The first 2 cycles failed miserably, they were very stressful, and DC1 was now 6 so they'd be a massive age gap. I talked myself out of it, and I definitely think it was self defense because it was all so upsetting.

But after a year I relented. I'd always said I'd give it my best shot, have 3 treatments (it's all we could afford as we had to pay ourselves) and then move on if nothing happened. And I don't like to go back on my word, I'm stubborn

I was totally expecting it to fail like the first 2 times and was looking forward moving on as a parent of one, going back to work full time, having more free time as my child grew older.

When I actually got pregnant 90% of me was over the moon, but there was 10% that thought "fuck is this a mistake?".

I think it was because I'd only let myself think about the parent-of-one-future, and wouldn't even consider the parent-of-two-future just in case it didn't happen. So when it did happen it was a shock and it took a long time for my brain to accept it.

Have you had any additional testing?
I was ready to give up but decided we had agreed pre Ivf to pay for 3 goes we had 1 nhs go our 3rd round transferred to iui so we went again I thought I didn't want to sit there in the future & think what if. So last go we had acupuncture & I took steroids I was resigned to it not working & felt ok with that. Our baby boy was that cycle he was worth all the pain & I still can't believe he is here xx

Nay be just going through a paetucukalry good patch with my two (3&1) bit quite honestly, I am having so much fun. It is hard work, but incredibly wonderful. I pang for another. I had a great life pre children. I don't regard having children as the making of me. I regard it as the filling, the icing and the cherry on top of the cake that is my life!

Last Sunday, before we got out of bed, dh and I reminsicsd about what we would have planned for the day of we didn't have children. The list was fantastic, and involved lots of sex, catching up on great tv, reading the papers, gym, brunch, bottle of wine at lunch etc etc.

What we did in reality was het take awy coffee and go for a long country walk (not long at all. Very short in terms of distance when I think about it!). And I honestly wouldn't have traded it for all the tv, brunches and fine wine in the world.

I can only tell you ny experience and view. I wouldn't dare suggest you go for the third ivf. Only you can answer that

Oh goodness, pls excuse the typos.

I had 5 rounds and had I not had dd, I'm not sure I would have gone through with the last one.Like you say, I think it's a protection thing. Its putting of the thought that it may or may not happen.

I had dd at 39 btw :)

Children are hard work. And I am not the most patient of people. Great understatement! But I never ever ever regret having children. Try and project yourself into the years to come. I think a lot of people have worries and fears about being parents.

Having children isn't always a lot of fun. It is a lot of hard work but the hard work is fulfilling and the fun, when it's happening is the best.

There is no greater pleasure for me than the snuggles, cuddles, tickles, etc, that happen dozens of times every day. They may be interspersed with tantrums and mess but the balance is definitely right.

I think what child free people pick up on when looking at parenting from the outside is how completely being a parent consumes you. It doesn't seem fun because fun is the wrong word entirely for it. It's not fun being the only person in the world who can comfort and sustain a tiny helpless being. It's terrifying in some ways. It's exhausting. But it's also amazing and special in a way that nothing else is. You are someone's mother. After three years remembering that still surprises and thrills me. Nothing else can really compare.

I had lots of IVF to have my two kids.

Having kids is hard work and all-consuming, but it is the best thing in the world. I have a responsible job, plenty of friends, plenty of interests - but without my kids my life would have no meaning. I didn't know the meaning of real love until I had my first child. I would do anything for them. Whilst that strength of feeling is scary, it also makes life amazing.

Any decision you will be at peace with over the longer term is a good one.

If you are erring on the side of continuing, pursue this at pace and with determination. Your chances will never be better than they are now. Ask questions about your protocol/other treatments, consider seeing another consultant to review options etc etc. Be confident you are throwing everything at it.

I don't think you'll ever find anyone who will tell you that preferred life without their children, purely because even on the hardest days you would never choose to go back. Life with children is amazing.

However, life without children is also amazing. The two cannot be compared and there are positive and negatives to both. I do think your thoughts at the moment are a way of protecting yourself incase your final attempt fails but I do think that's a healthy way of dealing with it. In reality, you may be facing a life without your own natural children and that doesn't have to be a devastating prospect. I don't think childless people live an empty life and regret their decision.

The problem here is figuring out what you actually want before it's too late. To put yourself through IVF must mean that, at one time, having a child was the centre of your world. I think if that's ever been the case then choosing not to go ahead will probably lead to regrets later in life.

I hope you find a decision that makes you happy.