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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to force DD (3) to share with DN (2)

87 replies

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 12:33

Here goes! Have never posted here before and am ready to be told I am being rubbish or just fussing.

DN(2) has a lovely, sweet personality. She's always willing to share. My DD (3) is ok sharing 'normal' toys but is possessive when things are brand new. I personally think this is quite normal for her age. I encourage her to be kind to others but think it's ok for her to want to keep a new gift to herself for a while.

At Christmas I found this quite stressful. Dsis let DN 'help' unwrap my child's gifts and tried to make DD share instantly. My DD was not happy and I was not willing to force her to share her new presents. DD did however play with her cousin's new toys but only after asking and only if DN was happy. My Dsis felt that this was unfair which I can understand a bit but FWIW my older DSs were very kind letting their little cousin have a go with all their new big boy things.

Dsis and DN are coming to DDs forth birthday party on Saturday and staying for the weekend. I'm not sure how to avoid any upset. I really want it to be a happy time.

Should I have a chat with Dsis or AIBU not to make DD share her presents.

OP posts:

Comeatmefam · 10/04/2014 09:32

Sorry if this has already been said, I've not read every post:

I think there are mixed messages for toddlers anyway - we tell them not to grab toys that don't belong to them ('no, don't take Johnny's bike, it's not yours') yet we tell them they must share everything of their own.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 10/04/2014 09:36

I don't think yabu under the circumstances. All the dc's toys are kept in the playroom and can be played with by anyone but I do have a rule on birthdays and Christmas that new toys are their own for the day and it's fine to share if they want to but there will be no fighting over trying to take something new off a sibling.

thebody · 10/04/2014 09:39

Stop your dsis and dn from unwrapping gifts that don't have their name on them.

I think this may have more to do with your and your sisters relationship than the kids here too.

Both back off. The kids are small. Teach your child to share but back her up too. New toys are new toys.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/04/2014 07:58

How did you get on at the party over the weekend curlytoes?

limitedperiodonly · 15/04/2014 08:20

How did you and your sister feel about sharing things when you were little?

I'm another one who thinks sharing is overrated btw.

It's nice but it has to your choice rather than imposed. I agree withveryseriousgirl that you can choose to share only if you're secure in your ownership of things.

differentnameforthis · 15/04/2014 10:35

Sharing can be overrated!! I don't think any one should be encouraged to share anything that they have only just opened, to be fair. We have a rule in this house, unless you are invited to play with it, the first 24hours for any toy are of limits to sharing.

No one helps anyone open their gifts either, not once they reach he age where they are able to do so by themselves. I think it is very cheeky of your sister to allow her daughter to help your daughter.

FryOneFatManic · 15/04/2014 13:03

When my DB and I grew up, we were never given a gift to open on the other's birthday, we were expected to understand that it was their birthday, and so we would not be opening anything. We also did not have to share anything if we didn't want to. My parents tried ways of encouraging sharing similar to that link posted by Hairy

I did the same with my own DCs, and DB also did this with his.

Result is that we are a kind, sharing family, and we also respect that the gift receiver should have the fun of opening their own presents and also deciding what they want to do with it.

stealthsquiggle · 15/04/2014 13:17

OP, I would leave all the presents until DSis and DN have gone home, IIWY. After the party, they could all open party bags and play with left over balloons - if DSis asks, just say that you want to extend the enjoyment for DD or some such nonsense. Maybe open just the present from them?

YANBU. Presents are for birthday child and there is no life lesson to be learned from being forced to allow other people to invade your birthday (or presents in general) IMHO.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 15/04/2014 15:25

My dn went ballistic after a well meaning relative let her open her presents. She didn't understand the presents weren't hers and kicked off (even though she couldn't have wanted them).

I wouldn't make a child share a new toy.

Beastofburden · 15/04/2014 15:33

They are both very young and I might not let DD unwrap all her presents in public. It goes on too long for them to behave. I would just open a couple in front of everyone and d the rest after the party. Make the party about the games and the fun together. Presents go into a big pile to be opened later, a few at a time.

if you have no option, and you have to open them all at once in front of everyone, then i agree what you need is a few decoys for the other children to be given so they don't lust after the new shiny ones.

I think it's not so much about something being new as such. It would be just the same if a present was second hand from a charity shop. It's about it being new for that child, the first time they have had a go, etc.

zipzap · 15/04/2014 16:05

Bit late now but in hindsight - yes, if any presents were to be opened, it should be the one from Dsis and DN - then you can make a big fuss of DN giving it to your dd - and then it's much easier if she starts trying to help, to say no dn, don't you remember, this time you gave this to dd. So it's her present to open. Just like when it's your birthday she'll give you a present to open. You wouldn't want dd to open your presents would you, you like your presents to be yours. Well, dd is just like you and on her birthday, she likes to open her own presents too...

Damnautocorrect · 15/04/2014 16:16

I don't think we ever learn to share we just get to a point where we buy our own stuff.
That said I do think we should teach kids to share as part of socialising. New Christmas toys, it's a bit much to expect someone so little to share. Your sis should have given hers a present at the same time

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