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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to force DD (3) to share with DN (2)

87 replies

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 12:33

Here goes! Have never posted here before and am ready to be told I am being rubbish or just fussing.

DN(2) has a lovely, sweet personality. She's always willing to share. My DD (3) is ok sharing 'normal' toys but is possessive when things are brand new. I personally think this is quite normal for her age. I encourage her to be kind to others but think it's ok for her to want to keep a new gift to herself for a while.

At Christmas I found this quite stressful. Dsis let DN 'help' unwrap my child's gifts and tried to make DD share instantly. My DD was not happy and I was not willing to force her to share her new presents. DD did however play with her cousin's new toys but only after asking and only if DN was happy. My Dsis felt that this was unfair which I can understand a bit but FWIW my older DSs were very kind letting their little cousin have a go with all their new big boy things.

Dsis and DN are coming to DDs forth birthday party on Saturday and staying for the weekend. I'm not sure how to avoid any upset. I really want it to be a happy time.

Should I have a chat with Dsis or AIBU not to make DD share her presents.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 09/04/2014 13:08

Comparing 2/3 year olds to adults isn't helpful, I don't think. Emotions and awareness are a bit different between those age groups. (Should be anyway).

I was gong to suggest something similar to wheresthelight. If your dn is going to the party could she have a couple of absorbing party bag presents to open at the same time?

RedRoom · 09/04/2014 13:09

Yanbu. If I was given, say, a new perfume and my friend decided she'd help unwrap it and have the first spray, I wouldn't like it! Why would a child like someone else to open their presents and immediately use them?

Bowlersarm · 09/04/2014 13:12

Why would you care if your friend had a squirt of your perfume first? How weird.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/04/2014 13:17

Why did you allow your dn to help open your dd Christmas presents? Why didn't you say something.
You can't expect one rule for your dd and another rule for your dn. New toys should have stayed with their owner just for Christmas day, unless it was a game they all played together.

Calloh · 09/04/2014 13:17

YANBU.

I think most toys should be fairly communal but not immediately. It also detracts from the present.

Nataleejah · 09/04/2014 13:18

I also think sharing is overrated. It is nice when they share, but i don't think they should be forced. Children's possessions are precious to them as much as your items are precious to you. Imagine if somebody forced you to lend your car to your neighbour.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2014 13:23

Yabvvu you should encourage your dd to share, she has to get into this mindset fir when she starts school, you are not doing her any favours . However your DN should not have opened your child's presents, your sister should have stepped in. If this happens I would take the present away from DN say no that's minicurlys present, and give her another toy or keep some toys for your DN to play with.

MistyB · 09/04/2014 13:23

Can you get your DN a little present? Perhaps something similar but smaller than a present your DD is getting? Might soften the blow and you can direct her towards it each time she wants to play with your DD's toys. Perhaps also talk to your DD and explain that they are her toys, she has the right to have them but if she does want to choose something to share, she can. Good luck! It's a mine field!

Original poster

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 13:27

I really appreciate the advice. DN will have a party bag but I could give her a little extra gift to open too. Great idea, wherethelight.

Also agree Jonathangirl that done some gifts are more 'sharable'. At Christmas DN got an enormous dolls house with millions of accessories which stayed right in the middle of the front room where we were all gathered. DD got smaller presents eg a doll, a jigsaw, a music box, that were quietly put upstairs when she didn't want to share. If DD gets something like play dough then she would enjoy using it with her cousin.

OP posts:

Davsmum · 09/04/2014 13:29

wheresthelight I never understand this getting something for the other child to distract her or so she won't be upset.
There is nothing wrong with a child being upset - They have to learn how to handle emotions and not have someone constantly offering bribes or pacifiers!

Original poster

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 13:36

Davsmum - I have never done the extra gift thing for my DCs. I expect them to understand that it's someone else's special day. We do do stuff that we all enjoy though like a special outings and cake! I am very happy to do the extra gift for DN though. Anything to help keep the peace!

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 09/04/2014 13:39

I have been in a similar position and I solved it by putting the presents in black sacks in the garage until everyone else had left. This meant she had to wait until the next day but there were party bags and prizes to enjoy, cake to share and family to play with so it wasn't a problem. DD was then able to enjoy opening them at her leisure and there were no family politics to worry about.

StackALee · 09/04/2014 13:41

On a similar subject, how do people feel about food sharing?
I have had occasions where other children have attempted to stuff their hands into my child's snack packet or follow him around with an expectant look on their face.

I always try to take spares with me now but the first time it happened I was really shocked as the other parent persisted with trying to get my child to dole out his snacks to her child even when it was very obvious that my child felt he was being invaded.

ICanSeeTheSun · 09/04/2014 13:46

I don't even encourage my DC to share their toys.

If we are at the park or library and other setting where are are toys about I tell them to share, at 8 and 4 years old they never need reminding, when they have friends over they do share.

It teaches them responsibility for their things.

I wouldn't share my car, my phone, my tablet or any thing that is precious to me so why has a child.

Goldmandra · 09/04/2014 13:50

Learning to share shouldn't mean never having ownership of anything.

If you give your child food when others don't have it you're asking for trouble IMO. Much better to have a communal snack time or wait until the others aren't around. If the others have their own food it is perfectly reasonable for a child not to share theirs out.

We had to work out sharing carefully in our house as DD was born when I was a childminder. Our rule is that if you don't want to share it you put it away. If you get it out you have to be willing to allow others to take turns.

If you have sweets/treats and others don't, you share them just as an adult would. If you don't want to share them don't open them.

BarbarianMum · 09/04/2014 13:53

I can see why your dd doesn't want to share immediately. But also, I think its pretty unkind to expect the 2 year old to sit, watch and not touch.

So, why not talk it through w your dd and see what she wants to happen? Maybe she'd rather wait until DN has gone home before opening. Maybe she'd be prepared to share 1 or 2 immediately.

Or maybe you need to get your dsis to leave at the end of the party so your dd can open presents in peace.

Children do need to learn to give others their time in the limelight, but really this lesson can wait til a child reaches 3.

Hemlet · 09/04/2014 13:54

When my DS is old enough to understand getting his own gifts and things, it would make me sad to see his poor little face fall if someone else tore into it before he did.

BarbarianMum · 09/04/2014 13:55

ICanSeeTheSun how old are your children and what ages? I have 2 ds 2 years apart. They have to share anything that can be played with by more than 1 child at a time cause the idea of 2 train sets, 2 toy garages, 2 sets of lego etc is bonkers.

CorusKate · 09/04/2014 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 13:56

I really like your rules goldmandra. I guess you really have to think through these issues if you're childminding. Which things are yours and which things are everyone's.

OP posts:

LyndaCartersBigPants · 09/04/2014 13:56

I have this with my DCs (who are older than yours) and DP's two DDs. When they come over to stay they rarely bring any of their own stuff, no spare clothes, pjs etc and are constantly borrowing my DDs toys and clothes.

DP thinks my dd should happily share, and tries to make his DDs share everything, even food, but I think there's nothing wrong with having your own stuff. Yes sharing is nice if you want to, but if you don't want to, it's horrible! I'm torn between trying to do 'the right' thing and forcing her to share, even though it makes her miserable and wanting to stand up for her and say 'it's hers, bring your own!'.

I agree, I wouldn't want anyone taking my stuff before I'm finished with it, would be really annoyed at someone opening my birthday presents for me and using them before I did etc.

I also don't agree with buying gifts for the non-birthday child. Some get quite afford when they aren't given a gift, even if their parents are not in the habit of buying for all of mine. They need to learn that sometimes you get things, sometimes you don't.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 09/04/2014 14:02

Ooh Stackalee, food sharing really annoys me!

DP once insisted my dd and his older one share their snacks with his younger one, even though she'd had her own. He got really cross but I insisted that she didn't have to. I wouldn't want to give away one of my 5 mini Jaffa cakes to someone just because they happen to be divided into shareable bits, when she'd had a bar of something all to herself.

He also shares his dinner with his kids (we ordered paella once, which took half an hour so the DCs had all eaten theirs when it arrived, his dd proceeded to hang around nicking all the prawns and mussels. Grrr!) and he offers for them to try things from other people's plates to see if they like it Gives me the rage!

Original poster

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 14:03

Barbarian Mum - I would hate DN just to have to sit and watch. I 've only just found out that she is staying after the party, hence this post. What I wasn't sure about was whether I should really make DD share or whether it's reasonable to suggest Dsis pops DN out to the park for a bit or similar. Now I've got a few more ideas such as getting DN her own gift and/or leaving some presents until Monday when DN has gone home.

OP posts:

ICanSeeTheSun · 09/04/2014 14:04

My DC are 4 and 8.

Big things like kitchens, garages and art and craft things I used to buy as a household toy rather than individual.

Even though DS is 8 he has a Mind of a 4 year old.

bobot · 09/04/2014 14:13

I think YANBU, I havde a similar rule to a previous poster, that it is fine to keep some things special and choose not to share them, but in that case we must put them away before friends come over as it isn't kind to tell them they can't join in.

I'm not sure what I'd do re Christmas and birthdays in your case tbh. I might tell dd that if she doesn't want to share her new things, she can't play with her cousin's either. A birthday is tricky as only one of them will have presents - maybe have a conversation with dd about how it is more fun to play with the toys with someone else, but if there's anything she wants to keep special and just for her, you will put it away until DN has gone home? What would you do if you had another child? My 3 have never really minded sharing their birthday toys, although I wouldn't let a sibling just take something of theirs away and play with it themselves, I'd encourage joining in and playing a game with the new toys together. But I wouldn't be comfortable with a birthday child who sat there and said "mine" about all the new things, and wouldn't let siblings join in at all.

I agree that as adults we do have the right to decide who shares our things and I'd like to give my children the same respect - but not encourage mean-ness either. It's a tricky one, op, and a fine line.

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