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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to force DD (3) to share with DN (2)

87 replies

curlytoes · 09/04/2014 12:33

Here goes! Have never posted here before and am ready to be told I am being rubbish or just fussing.

DN(2) has a lovely, sweet personality. She's always willing to share. My DD (3) is ok sharing 'normal' toys but is possessive when things are brand new. I personally think this is quite normal for her age. I encourage her to be kind to others but think it's ok for her to want to keep a new gift to herself for a while.

At Christmas I found this quite stressful. Dsis let DN 'help' unwrap my child's gifts and tried to make DD share instantly. My DD was not happy and I was not willing to force her to share her new presents. DD did however play with her cousin's new toys but only after asking and only if DN was happy. My Dsis felt that this was unfair which I can understand a bit but FWIW my older DSs were very kind letting their little cousin have a go with all their new big boy things.

Dsis and DN are coming to DDs forth birthday party on Saturday and staying for the weekend. I'm not sure how to avoid any upset. I really want it to be a happy time.

Should I have a chat with Dsis or AIBU not to make DD share her presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlytoes · 09/04/2014 14:29

Bobot- I do have three DCs. Dd is my youngest and trust me I'm not having any more! My DCs pretty much share all their toys except things which are very new or very special to them.

OP posts:
PatriciaKrenwinkel · 09/04/2014 14:37

I don't even like to let my DC unwrap my presents and I'm 40 Grin I think your DN and DC are just too close in age to get "sharing" new toys, unwrapping etc. As you say, your older DC can get how important it is, and can make the choice to share - but it's a lot to ask of a 3 year old with brand new stuff.

TeacupDrama · 09/04/2014 14:41

maybe your DD could wait until DN has gone before opening most of presents maybe open a couple that you sort of know are the sort of thing that can be shared by taking sneaky peak

veryseriousgirl · 09/04/2014 14:45

Unfortunately, I can't remember the reference, but I remember reading ages ago (before children), an anecdote about a dad forcing his miserable daughter to share her newly-opened toys at her birthday party and realising that this didn't teach her anything about sharing - in order to share openly, she needed to be secure in her possession of the toys and, at her age, having just opened them, she wasn't. TL;dr: YANBU. Agree with suggestions to hold off opening gifts until guests have gone home to avoid drama!

SaucyJack · 09/04/2014 14:47

YANBU. If your niece is going to struggling with the situation, then your sister should remove her from the room whilst your DD opens her presents. It's not OK to spoil your DD's birthday because she doesn't like saying no to her own child.

Davsmum · 09/04/2014 14:48

Curlytoes Eeeek!! I hate it when parents do things 'to keep the peace'

It usually involves giving in to unreasonable behaviour or bribery. Short term solution - long term problem!

Goldmandra · 09/04/2014 15:01

BTW, my excuse for holding back the presents was that she was already pretty overwhelmed with the excitement of the party and having visitors so opening the presents would be too much for her and was better saved until a later date.

It had to be carefully managed to prevent dotting grandmother, i.e my DM whipping them out behind my back because she actually wanted DNs to help DD open her presents.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/04/2014 15:12

How about this as a suggestion? If you're having a bit of a party for your DD and there are other kids arriving, then if they bring a gift, gather them all up and leave them in your bedroom. Don't open ANY of them in front of the kids at the time. Later on, bring down 3 or 4 of them and then let your DD open 3 and your DN open 1 - after all, they are your DD's birthday presents. Only open the 3 or 4 when your sister and your niece are staying with you. If your sister asks why, just say that they can only play with one toy at a time and it means that your DD has more 'surprises' waiting for her in the days and weeks to come.
Then when they are gone, open any others that you haven't yet done.

EurotrashGirl · 09/04/2014 15:17

YANBU. I agree with Moam. Sharing is overrated and the vast majority of adults wouldn't be willing to share brand new presents. I won't share stuff that is really important to me.

rabbitlady · 09/04/2014 15:32

'sharing' is a load of crap. I remember it from childhood. those of you who say 'share new toys', please make a note that when some woman takes on your husband, you really must share, its the proper thing to do.

op, teach your dd to be selective and not unkind. put new toys away, out of sight, if she doesn't intend sharing. make it part of preparing for visitors. if she later decides she wants to share something special, she can do so, but she shouldn't be forced.

what's mine is mine.

rabbitlady · 09/04/2014 15:33

i meant, she should decide what is put away out of sight...

Whereisegg · 09/04/2014 15:40

Yanbu, they are presents for your dd, on the one day of the year when she should be the centre of attention
I wouldn't be buying anything for other children so they didn't feel left out, family or not.

I also wouldn't make her share anything brand new, opening them a bit later may be the way to go here.

RedRoom · 09/04/2014 15:41

Bowlersarm: Why would you care if your friend had a squirt of your perfume first? How weird.

Er...because in my imaginary scenario it was a gift for me and I'd like to see what it smells like on me, not her?

crazykat · 09/04/2014 16:00

Yanbu. I'm the same with my DCs. Toys that they've had for a while are to be shared/take turns with. I don't make them share new or favourite toys as they're special.

It was out of order for your dsis to have dn opening your DDs presents. My dd2 was 3 at Christmas and would have gone ballistic if anyone tried to open her presents as for her that was half the fun.

I'd tell dn she can't 'help' dd open her presents. Yes dn is only 2 but she's old enough to learn that the presents aren't hers. My ds1 is a year younger than dd1 and he was never allowed to open her birthday presents with her and he survived. Your dsis will have to deal with it or distract dn or dn will turn into one of those children who have to be involved in everything.

zipzap · 09/04/2014 16:39

Did your Dsis let your dd 'help' unwrap DN's presents at christmas or did she only think that dn should help your dd?

I would make sure that all presents get put away upstairs and not opened during the party - regardless of whether or not dn is there, it's not much fun for the other kids to watch your dd opening presents, different people can afford different things, you lose track of who gave what, other kids try to join in and unwrap things so your dd misses out, especially if there are small things that get lost in the excitement etc etc... Much better to spend the time playing games and eating jelly Grin

Then, having made sure that dn has got her party bag, just bring down one present for your dd to open. I wouldn't let dn open any - it's not her birthday and why should she miss out on opening her presents?

If dsis complains, then point out that dn has her party bag stuff to play with or there are plenty of other toys around that she can play with, but it is DD's birthday and she's going to be a big girl and open her present herself, she doesn't need any help. Then let her play with her present as she wants to - if she wants to share then fine. If not - well there are plenty of other toys for DN to play with.

And if Dsis keeps on then just say that you have promised DD that she can open her presents all by herself - you don't want to break your promise and will she shut up and stop spoiling DD's birthday! If it really is the ripping of paper off the toy that she wants to do then she is perfectly welcome to borrow a bit of sellotape and wrap up some of her own toys in old newspaper for her to have a pretend birthday... (You don't want her to do it to dd's stuff just in case dn gets attached to the 'present' and thinks it really is for her which wouldn't be fair on her obviously).

I would also be tempted to pre-empt the situation and tell dsis in advance that I had promised dd that she could open her present(s) by herself as she was so excited about it, so to make sure that DN understood that as this was DD's birthday and not her birthday she was there to watch and not open presents. After all it would be much crueller to her to open something and think that it was hers when it wasn't as obviously DD would be the one to try everything first.

Was your dsis always jealous of you or your stuff by any chance and always think she deserved to join in with you when you were both young - or could you remind her that there's no way in hell that she would have let you help her open her presents when you were both young and there was a reason for that - they were her presents!!

bobot · 09/04/2014 18:16

Sorry for assuming she was an only child, op! Your approach sounds sensible. Think the idea of keeping the majority of presents back is a good one. When my older ones were little we used to stagger the opening of Christmas and birthday presents over about a week, I'd forgotten that. They do get overwhelmed by more than a few things anyway when they're little and she might enjoy it more without the sharing issue.

Original poster
curlytoes · 09/04/2014 19:20

Thanks to everyone who's taken time to give me their thoughts and some really helpful ideas. Fingers crossed for a good weekend.

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 09/04/2014 19:32

YANBU about the "helping" to open the presents.

I do think you are being unreasonable about the sharing of new birthday presents, if your dd had one present then possibly it would be reasonable for her to keep it to herself all weekend but it is likely that your dd will have tons of news stuff, I would expect my child to let another child play with anything they were not currently useing and that wasn't going to be effected by the use, so I wouldn't expect them to share a colouring in book as that would stop my dc from being able to use the pages the other child coloured in but if my dc was given a doll, some books, some lego, a ball, some dressing up clothes and a teddy and my dc was playing with the ball and another child wanted to play with the doll I would insist that my child let the other child play with the doll, teaching your child that they can say they don't want other children to play with their toys purely because they don't want the other child to have fun is not encouraging kind behaviour.

If you compare it to adults when we open our christmas presents if my my brother had been given a book that I was interested in and he was busy opening other presents or chatting I would flick through the book and I wouldn't think it was rude at all. If he had been given a box of chocolates I wouldn't open them but I wouldn't hesitate to look at his gifts if it wasn't going to effect his use of the item.

wingsandstrings · 09/04/2014 20:07

Manys a time I have seen a small child march up to another and snatch a toy whilst saying some varient of 'you should share'. And that's because that's kind of how some adults impose sharing, it must feel to kids like a random removal of an item that they feel is rightfully theirs. The rules many adults impose on children around this whole 'sharing' business are quite odd. Say I got an ipad for christmas, would I be OK with my brother taking it and playing on it for hours on christmas day when I was keen to set up my aps and stuff? No! Equally, if a child has just got a present I think it is unreasonable to make them share it that same day. I say to my kids often 'how can you be kind to so and so?' or 'how would like so and so to treat you?' and I find that more effective than arbitrarily demanding that they hand over something they had been playing with.

WhatNow2013 · 09/04/2014 20:16

We used to have the rule that on the day of the birthday or Christmas you were not expected to share any present, unless you chose to do so (asked the others to play a game, etc). No pestering allowed. It's the receiver's property with no arguments!! After that, negotiation was allowed.

TheScience · 09/04/2014 20:26

YANBU

I wouldn't make DS share things immediately on opening them! He's allowed to put some toys away for not sharing too.

I prefer taking turns to "sharing" anyway.

AllDirections · 09/04/2014 20:27

We have the same rule WhatNow2013

MellowAutumn · 09/04/2014 21:46

Children should learn to enjoy other peoples joy without having to be placated all the time

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/04/2014 22:33

Come back & let us know how you get on. Hope you manage to have a lovely day and a stress free weekend

Whereisegg · 10/04/2014 00:06

whatnow we have the same sort of rule, but we extend it to 'first use'.
The recipient of the gift should be allowed first use of said gift unless they choose otherwise.

I put a lot of thought into what I think my dc will like, some things like board games might be joint presents though.

Children should be allowed to own their gifts to a certain degree.