to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

[MrsPnut]

My DD did this almost a year ago, she was originally going to be going to a party at someone else's house and her friend was going to stay over afterwards. Then the other house party was cancelled and she was going to have some of her friends over instead.

That was fine, except one of the friends invited a load of other people. DD freely admitted that she panicked and didn't know how to handle the situation. She couldn't get them to leave and I later found out from the neighbours that they were all disturbed by the noise.

It was certainly a learning experience for DD, i don't think it's something she will ever repeat and she has learnt that the best thing she could have done was call the police. I also told the neighbours that if they had called the police at the time then the noise would have been over quicker.

I can't even remember what punishment we gave, I think we took away her internet access and she had to go to Grandma and Grandad's the following weekend because we were away again. I also made her write a letter of apology to all of our neighbours and take them round. I think she'd tried to move all of our stuff and locked all our alcohol in the garage etc so the damage that was caused was limited which made me more lenient.

[LookHowTheyShineForYou]

I'd go apeshit because my trust was broken. Imagine someone had brought some drugs as well? "Some ex-Sixth Formers" means they were at least 3 years older than your daughter. That would worry me.

£1k in damages?

Let things cool down a bit. Then talk to her again and find out how contrite she is. If there is more of the "this was to be expected" then treat her like the child she still is, not trustworthy.

Prom and Festival I would cancel. The rest of the money she would have to pay back. She can babysit (does she get paid for the childcare holiday? Then I would let her go) or do paper rounds, work in a cafe or at Sainsburys.

She has to learn how much it costs to replace things.

Try and keep your anger down, give her a plan to repay the damage, stop shouting.

Good luck.

[diddl]

"She wasn't 16 she was 15. You gave her too much responsibility sadly. "

She was going to have one friend sleep over.

It's not as if OP forced her to have a party she didn't want!

[firesidechat]

anniepannie Yes, of course. Part of loving your kids is showing them that bad behaviour has serious consequences.

I can't believe that stopping her going to a lavish prom is described as "harsh" and "vindictive". How privileged is that?! A prom, after what she did? Not in my house.

We also have a responsibility to society to ensure that our children are disciplined. It's the same liberal culture that lets bratty kids run around screaming in cafés, etc., that thinks stopping a teenager who got the house trashed from going to the room is somehow a bridge too far, too strict, whatever. It's not good for the kids in the long term, and it's certainly not good fur everyone else who has to put up with the consequences of wishy-washy parental discipline.

I will say this: set the punishments once, enforce them and do not relent. But don't just keep lobbing in new ones as and when they occur to you. That starts to look arbitrary and, yes, vindictive. By all means tell your daughter that you're going to take a day or two to think about and discuss with your DH what punishments are appropriate. She won't enjoy the wait, but it's better than just continually adding new ones until you feel sated. Then communicate the punishments, enforce them strictly, and draw a line under it.

Totally agree with Kelpie.

I'm afraid that the daughter's offer to do a bit of weeding and the comment that this is what all teenagers do, would push me over the edge too OP.

[pizzachickenhotforyou]

Gardening? She's taking the piss. Thousands of people her age live away from home.

Sell her music festival ticket on eBay.

She wouldn't be getting a penny from me other than basic meals toiletries and school equipment. No phone. No fun. Until she moves out.

[PeterParkerSays]

OP, have you totalled up the damage caused? I would now draw a line under this by sitting down and calculating how much this has cost - carpet cleaning £50, replacement of picture in living room £200 etc then sit down and show it to DD and how you got your costs.

She then knows how much she needs to pay back and can see progress against that as the summer progresses e.g. how much her prom dress costs contribute to this.

It would give you both a concrete basis for a discussion about this, rather than her seeing you as arbitrarily taking things like the festival ticket away from her.

[Nocomet]

15/16 makes no difference at all. She's a Y11 doing her GCSEs not some little kid. She has seen enough of these older DCs behaviour to have had some sense.

[DumSpiroSpero]

I'm not surprised you're fuming - your DDs behaviour is a massive betrayal of trust and the blase attitude would mâle my blood boil.

I do agree with others though that there is a fine line between ensuring she realises the consequences of her actions and revenge.

If it were my DD (who I would absolutely trust I imagine, but she's 9 atm so I might be in for a rude awakening), I would:

Not make her spend hours cleaning up when she needs to be revising.

Not ban her from going to prom, but I would set a budget to cover dress, shoes & ticket - no fancy extras at all.

Ground her from doing anything unsupervised or that costs money until after her exams.

I would insist she gets a summer job and pays back 50% of wages each week/month until the cost of the damage is cleared. Make an itinerary of the loss/damage so she is really aware of the results of her actions. If she has an allowance she would lose a proportion of that in the meantime.

Suggest she does a car boot sale or similar to raise some of the debt pronto.

Sell the concert ticket & stop the holiday - not as a punishment but because she has proven that she can't be trusted. I certainly don't think it's fair to allow her to go on holiday with family friends showed expecting her to help out with their kids if she can't take responsibility for your home for one night.

Try to be civil with her though. I understand it must be incredibly hard and if you can't be nicey nicey mum yet that's fair enough, but if you can put sanctions in place and move on it will be healthier for both of you and your relationship in the long run.

[wotoodoo]

Thank you everybody, unbelievably helpful.

Had a quiet chat with her this morning and she was contrite, no more shouting, just disappointed and let down.

Told her she can go to the prom but we are not contributing financially.

She is tidying up the bedrooms and cleaning before studying.

Dialed 101 and spoke to a lovely Thames Valley policewoman around 2am! She said she wished the others who had their homes trashed by teenagers had called them also. So very much said I did the right thing.

They will be interviewing everyone as there are witnesses and a couple of ex 6th formers who were both well known for this will be given an opportunity to make amends through something called resolvable justice.

They will be asked to pay for the damage and a warning in exchange for no criminal record.

That is fine by me as there is no way on earth I was going to let anybody get away with this.

I have had lots of apologies from her friends by text and also I am in contact with a couple of the parents who are coming round tonight.

I am going to take this step by step now without anger as I do need to get closure/move on/ start the trust process back etc.

FWIW some of her friends think the older boys do need to learn their lesson and have supported the decision to tell the police.

[GreatUncleEddie]

Did you take photos before the clear up? You don't want parents coming round after you have started to clear up and thinking you have overreacted.

[Cyclebump]

I went to a house party where a house got trashed and it was awful. A neighbour called police and those wh did the damage were at rested. Even at 17 I thought that was fair.

By calling the police and getting those who did the damage on record it will hopefully protect others so definitely the right thing.

The working holiday will improve her sense of responsibility so I wou let her go.

I completely agree that monetary sanctions are the way to go. She needs to understand the long term effect of £1,000 damage.

You might not be very nice to her at the moment but you're only human. Do your best to be civil, but it must be a horrible shock. Maybe explain to her that you love her and don't want to snap and shout but are very hurt and angry by what she's done.

[HighwayRat]

you were absolutely right to call the police. I agree with making your dd paying back every single penny of the damage.

Does she seem remorseful now?

[Cyclebump]

Oh and YY to talking to their parents. Again, they need to now the risks if their children are in the same circle.

[Quinteszilla]

Can I just ask, why the Prom? Why should the prom be ring-fenced and sacred?

Why should she get to party with the very people who she let in to trash her home?

This girl disrespects her home, her parents, and has shown in.

Can you afford for boarding school?

[Scrounger]

I'm really sorry that this has happened. I think that you start afresh with your daughter, don't worry about what has been said by either of you in the heat of the moment. I know I would have totally lost it if I had come back to a house as you described and be handing out every punishment under the sun.

In the light of day sit down with your daughter, she is really defensive (gardening????) as she knows she is wrong, she will have been dreading you come up and getting worked up / defensive about it. Give her the chance to apologise and come up with some better ideas of how she can repay the damage. Get her to think of them and I think it is a valuable lesson to learn that things cost money and if you damage they need to be replaced. Getting a job in the summer to repay you really brings home how much things cost. I would get in professional cleaners and add that in part or in total to what she owes.

Calm down, explain how upset and betrayed you felt and then describe what your punishments will be and stick to them. Let whatever you have said in the heat of the moment pass.

If one of the children attending had been mine and caused damage I would be mortified and would expect my children to make amends also. I may pay the parents myself and then get my children to pay you back. I think that all of the children involved, i.e. older children / young adults should bear the responsibility.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

mrknowitall
"POLICE ? - Hahaha ! - You are just going to make the rest of her teenage years an absolute nightmare with no friends now...."

Really?
She more likely she will be given a status boost.

[Goldenbear]

YABU to be so harsh. It must be very frustrating but some teenagers do rebel, do not think in a sensible middle aged way- it is unfair to have the expectation that she will!

The holiday sounds dull and again something a middle aged person would relish. I mean what 16 year old wpuld rather go on holiday with children and middle aged parents than their peers?

I did something similar, people turned up with friends i had invited and it escalated. i also had a bouncy castle so aswell as the mess there was a huge electricity bill. My stepdad was livid but my Mum was ok about it all. My mum asked my stepdad to move out soon after as demomstrated the kind of hate gor me that you seem to have for your own daughter. His own children pretty much disowned him as adults as he was such a harsh, controlling person whereas i am 36 and love my Mother so dearly that i am currently sitting in her house, visiting her for a week with her grandchildren as i want them to have a very close relationship with a person that is kind and tolerant! Do not let this blip define you.

And i do think rebelious, radical behaviour is normal
for teenagers it just doesn't seem ok to act in this waythese days!

[Logg1e]

Well done OP this sounds like a complete nightmare, I'd hate the intrusion in to my home (did you mean "restorative justice"??).

Re the Prom, you know what? I don't get it and I don't like the americanisation of it and the nails and the limos and the vast amounts of money, but it's a big deal to the teens and it's a reflection of five years at secondary school.

[Groovee]

I'm glad you have called the police as it's not acceptable to trash anyone's home.

I wouldn't stop her studying. Exam results are something which cannot be changed and despite everything you will want her to work hard and achieve the best results.

Hoping that she learns her lesson.

[Sparklysilversequins]

I think you need to chill out to be honest.

As for the gardening offer being blasé, she's only 16, yes old enough to be more responsible but still not old enough to be able to offer much more in the way of compensation. As for the "that's what teenagers do" comment, now THAT would have enraged me and she'd have got the hair dryer treatment for that.

I imagine she was terrified when it was going on and when she was desperately trying to clean it up before you returned.

Peer pressure is HUGE at that age and can make them shortsighted.

For me I would tell her I want my house and garden immaculate, looking near as possible as perfect as when I left. I wouldn't let her stay alone there again as she clearly cannot be trusted and reiterate that over and over when she's whining about having to go to relatives etc.

To be lying awake dreaming up punishments strikes me a bit OTT and I do think you're overreacting with your talk of it damaging your relationship. Just get on with it.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Celiafate, that Duncan bannatyne cheque thing is a marvellous idea. I like it. Obvs then she still gets to keep stuff and money from others but also sees the cost.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Boarding school?!! For an otherwise unproblematic teenager who has had one slip up age 16? How utterly ridiculous.

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

Please don't interrupt her studying to clean up.
By all means kick her out of bed early, make her sit down to do a decnet chunk of studying, then get her to do something on the house, but grades first. If you put possessions above her education what is that telling her?

If she's up by 8am (unlikley for a 16yo I know, but not exactly harsh), she could do 8 hours study, 3 hours tidying, take an hour for lunch and still be done by 8pm for dinner and TV. A bit of a boot camp approach is fine, losing hours arguing and blaming isn't.

I would also let her go on the holiday under strict conditions that she is there to HELP with the children, and if for a single minute you hear that she is being irresponsible or a burden on the other family she will be on the first flight home at her own expense.

Don't completely cut her off from all her friends though, try and make sure she stays in touch with the better ones so this party doesn't signify her moving friend groups into a less desirable one!

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Goldenbear what planet are you on? Did you really just say: "And i do think rebelious, radical behaviour is normal for teenagers it just doesn't seem ok to act in this way these days!"

Trashing a house is a bit more than a bit of rebellious behaviour and would not have been acceptable when you were that age any more than it is acceptable now.

I was almost tempted to ask if you were on glue....

[PeterParkerSays]

OP, I'm glad that the day's started off like this for you. I agree about taking photos before you get the marigolds on so other parents can see the extent of the damage. I'm also glad that your DD has a more mature response now to the damage she has allowed to happen.