to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

[DurhamDurham]

Awful to come home to that. Both my girls had 'gatherings' when we have been away. They have both tried to deny it but I always find out. No damage thanks goodness and they both seem to be very adept at tidying up ( which is bizarre as when I am home they are both very mediocre at tidying their rooms). I now have the neighbours opposite aware of when we go away, they seem more than happy to let me know if there has been a houseful of teenagers. Both my girls now say that it's not worth having a party because of all the clearing up to do and the constant fear of something being broken. They still have friends over, but no more than 2 or 3.

With regards to the Prom, let her go. It's such a big thing for them, they spend the whole year planning for it. I loved helping my girls get ready for the evening and taking 100's photos. I think you would regret it if she missed out on her Prom.

Make her pay for the damage, that way she really will see the consequences of her actions. I bet she won't be in a hurry to have a house party again. Sounds like some awful people turned up, unfortunately mob mentality seems to have taken over and the result was your trashed house. Your daughter doesn't sound very sorry but I think that is just her coping mechanism, she's trying to get through this as best she can. She is probably mortified, she's just trying to save face.

Hope it all gets sorted for you soon, I can understand your upset and anger, I would be devastated if I returned from a night away to a trashed home.

[Fusedog]

There is no such thing as a totally responsible teen you have more of a chance of meeting Elvis and her attatuide towards just shows how wrong you have her

[Tinkerball]

I wonder what all these people here saying some people are being too harsh would do if it was their house trashed and their precious possessions damaged, some beyond repair? How can kids/teenagers ever learn there are consequences to actions in life if this is all brushed under the carpet, to say calling the Police is an over reaction is mad - its criminal damage!! And yes Ive got a 21 year old DS who was perfectly normal teenager and did all sorts of stuff but trashing the house? No. And we left him every year from 17 when we went on holiday.

[RedFocus]

I presume you told her no parties? So she went ahead and had one anyway. Unless she has lived underground for most of her life then she will have known what would happen! I certainly knew at 16 what would happen which is why I got my older brothers to be bouncers for my 16th birthday party while my parents were on holiday in the US, the difference there was I asked my parents permission! No way would I do anything like that in their house without their say so.
Sell the festival ticket. Cancel prom. Tell her to get a weekend job because she is paying you back!
And don't go back on any punishment you've said either!

[diddl]

I don't think that she should go on the holiday.

Surely the parents will want someone more trustworthy looking after their kids?

I'd be selling the ticket & would really be in two minds about the prom tbh.

[Logg1e]

I think some of you are expecting the police to give OP short shrift. I hope you're wrong. It's a fucking house invasion, and these men have done it more than once, I'm glad the OP's taking a stand.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

wotoodoo I think my attitude would be I love you but right now I really dont like you.

It is a very hard lesson for children to learn that sometimes "sorry" isnt enough.

The hardest part of the punishment will be for your DD to earn back your trust. When you feel a bit less angry you need to have a sit down talk with your DD and lay it on the line for her.

She is a teenager (I have 3 so know what they can be like).

Right now she will be seeing this disaster from entirely her own perspective. You need to explain to her just how disappointed, how hurt and let down you feel. It isnt simply the cost of making good.

This is something she and you can learn and grow from.

Good luck!

[jacks365]

I obviously have more than one faulty teen because I can safely leave them knowing this won't happen. I left one last week and the only thing I came home to was a freshly decorated lounge (pre arranged).

I suspect some of your feelings of anger are at yourself as you realise you don't know your daughter as well as you thought.

This isn't how all teens behave but I also think you are not behaving rationally either. You need to take a deep breath and take time to think. Do not throw punishment after punishment at her just to hurt her for now tell her to get her books and to sit at the dining room table and study. Before you can really discuss this with your daughter you need to acknowledge that you also screwed up by placing too much responsibility and temptation on her shoulders. You placed your daughter at risk by putting her in a situation she was too young and immature to cope with.

My daughter never even mentions to her friends when she is home alone because she's wise enough to know that if word gets out then how others behave is out of her control.

[Kerosene]

If she'd been contrite, or not invited known house-trashers (after a conversation with you about how bad that is!), I'd ay you were being overly harsh.

She's not being contrite, and she did knowingly invite people she knew would trash the place. Maybe she's being blasé as a form of defensiveness - she knows she did wrong and doesn't like the feeling. She'll be in a bit of a state and now know how to handle it or herself.

Absolutely, sell the festival ticket. I wouldn't cancel prom, but given how much of a financial hole you're in, I wouldn't contribute to it either. She can buy her own dress and do her own nails, catch a lift with a friend (how things change - when I left school, we got drunk in a field on strongbow). Let her go as an au pair - don't put the other family in a hole to punish her. If she can get a summer job, she puts some (not all) of her wages toward her debts.

But she needs time to study. More than anything else, taking away her chance at a good education is an overreaction and excessive punishment. So she spends today/tomorrow getting things as straight as she can, then she gets her head down in the books.

You do need to calm down and be the adult. No shouting and raging, but a calm conversation with you, your DH and your DD, setting out that you love her, are disappointed in her, and that this is the deal you're putting in place to manage the outcome of her actions. If she's not stomped off to her room, give her a hug.
How you get to a state where you can talk to her calmly depends on you - I suspect it's going to take more than a few deep breaths. But in terms of how to move on - once you've talked it through, don't keep bringing it up. A shitty thing has happened, but you don't need to dwell on the shit. You still love her, and though it doesn't feel like it now, this is just one thing, and teenagers do stupid, reckless, thoughtless things - you will rebuild your trust in her, with time. Keep an eye on that future.

[foxinsocks]

I'd be more cross with myself tbh. I have teens and whenever either of them has done something that's cost me money, it's been my fault for giving them too much responsibility.

I don't think under 16s are supposed to be left all night without an adult. She wasn't 16 she was 15. You gave her too much responsibility sadly.

I wouldn't be too harsh on her. She must have shat herself when people started wrecking the house and she did try and tidy up. It would worry me greatly that she didn't call you or the police at the time. I would be relieved that nothing else had gone wrong and you didn't have ambulances dealing with drunk teens because you could have found yourself in a lot more trouble.

Ground her for a while, reduce her allowance to help pay you back and re assess how much responsibility you are giving her.

[CabbagesAndKings]

Sell the ticket
Don't let her go to prom. It's too expensive, why should you pay for that when you need the money for fixing what your daughter wrecked
Get her to get a summer job to pay for the damage
Limit phone/internet time and tell her to get her head down into her books and she can kiss goodbye to her social life for the next two months.

I think her behaviour has been awful, especially as she seems to think she's really done nothing wrong. This needs to be a lesson she will never forget- causing over 1k worth of damage to your own home and your parent's stuff is NOT 'to be expected'.

It's not normal 16 year old behaviour. I am in my mid 20s and was left overnight from age 15, as were most of my friends. This sort of thing never happened, and we were awful teenagers at times! But we never shit on our own patch to that extent

I can safely say that if I'd done this, my life would have been over, and rightly so

[Weliveinabeautifulworld]

Why stop her studying?

If this was child, I'd walk them to school and back every day- no need for a mobile phone as we'd meet in the same place! At home the PC, other electrical devices, and TV would be banned! She would only be allowed to eat dinner, study, and go to bed! She would be banned from any social outings (prom, festivals, holidays), and as soon as her exams were over she'd have to get a job to start paying back the damage!!!

[mrknowitall]

POLICE ? - Hahaha ! - You are just going to make the rest of her teenage years an absolute nightmare with no friends now....

[Nennypops]

I think you need to have a good conversation with your daughter when you are feeling calm. From everything you say, this is totally out of character, and that is backed up to an extent by her efforts to clean up. Do you actually know that she invited the destructive kids, as opposed either to having them just turn up or being pressurised to do so? How sure are you that her "That's what to expect from teenagers" isn't just bravado to cover deep shame and fear?

I completely agree that stopping her from revising for the sake of cleaning the house is way over the top. Do you seriously think a clean house is more important than her entire future? Mightn't it be better to get professional cleaners in and make her work in the summer to pay for them?

[Logg1e]

I wonder if the GCSE revision thing is OP lashing out in anger because of the fact her daughter said she'd be having one friend over because she had to revise for her GCSEs...?

[NotNewButNameChanged]

I was left on my own at that age. If I told my parents I was having one friend over, then I had one friend over. I didn't invite others.

It's not just the lying and the mess, is it? She knowingly invited older boys who have been known to trash house before. But mostly it's the attitude from the DD that "this is what teenagers do". Sorry, but no, it isn't. SOME may do, but far from all (I'd even say far from the majority behave like this - most teens in my experience behave very well when they are trusted to this extent).

I think the likelihood of getting her to pay for the damage is probably unrealistic. It would take a ridiculous amount of time, I suspect. Personally it would be a case of:

a) Grounded for some considerable time - good for her study!
b) Concert gone.
c) Prom ONLY if she shows a marked improvement in attitude but you will drop her off and collect her. Any costs for dress, nails, hair she has to find.
d) No "holiday". I don't care whether she'd be looking after children or not, if she sees this as a treat and something exciting, she needs to lose it. If she's not responsible enough to look after her own home, she is not responsible enough to look after someone's children, here or abroad.

[ContentedSidewinder]

To everyone saying OP is being too harsh, have you ever come home to your house to see it in its trashed state?

It is horrifying, it happened to my best mate. Her son invited 3 people over all agreed, their parents were aware and one of them invited 15 others. Unbeknown to all. He let them in, not the son.

They had sprayed the house with the washing up liquid, emptied flour into all the carpets now mixed in with the washing up liquid. They had also squeezed it into the fridge, opened all manner of cartons/jars and thrown food everywhere.

They physically assaulted the older sister when she rushed home from work at a restaurant to try to rescue the situation and she called the police.

But the OP's daughter invited people she knew would trash the house.

OP did they trash her room at all? That is where I would start the punishment, by removing the stuff she values.

And a summer job to pay you back. Children soon learn the value of money when they have to actually work for it and realise how little you get for your time.

[Gentleness]

I'd not be too miserable about her attitude - she's probably feels the most embarrassed and guilty that she's ever been and that is pretty hard to deal with well as an experienced adult. Her reactions will be all over the place. It's pretty hard to maintain a display of utter contrition even if it is what you genuinely feel. She'll need your guidance about how to deal with this gracefully within your relationship and how to talk about it to others.

[CabbagesAndKings]

I would let her go to the holiday though, that will be a good way for her to regain some confidence/responsibility after she has done her exams.

For all you posters saying boo hoo, she will have no social life- Come on, even teen friendships can last 6 weeks of not really seeing each other.

I was a silly little cow in my GCSE year and was bunking off school a lot. Was predicted very low grades.I was given loads of extra work to do to catch up. My parents found out,were extremely disappointed/angry and basically banned me from going out for the last few months of term, also took my phone off me. I think I was allowed out on a Saturday and that was it.

Do you know what? I moaned like fuck to my friends, they commiserated with me, but I got my head down, I got on with my work, I did my exams, ended up with top marks in 11 subjects, and had the best summer of my teenage years. Really glad my parents were strict with me- it stood me in good stead

[Kelpie1975]

anniepannie Yes, of course. Part of loving your kids is showing them that bad behaviour has serious consequences.

I can't believe that stopping her going to a lavish prom is described as "harsh" and "vindictive". How privileged is that?! A prom, after what she did? Not in my house.

We also have a responsibility to society to ensure that our children are disciplined. It's the same liberal culture that lets bratty kids run around screaming in cafés, etc., that thinks stopping a teenager who got the house trashed from going to the room is somehow a bridge too far, too strict, whatever. It's not good for the kids in the long term, and it's certainly not good fur everyone else who has to put up with the consequences of wishy-washy parental discipline.

I will say this: set the punishments once, enforce them and do not relent. But don't just keep lobbing in new ones as and when they occur to you. That starts to look arbitrary and, yes, vindictive. By all means tell your daughter that you're going to take a day or two to think about and discuss with your DH what punishments are appropriate. She won't enjoy the wait, but it's better than just continually adding new ones until you feel sated. Then communicate the punishments, enforce them strictly, and draw a line under it.

It sounds like the ship may have sailed on that last point, however.

[Kelpie1975]

Prom, not room. Autocorrect!

[Jinty64]

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

This is what would worry me. She does not appear to want to take responsibility for her actions and does not appear to understand the upset and hurt she has caused. Although this may be a bit of a front.

I think you need to sit down and speak to her. Go over every point of what happened. Explain how devastated you are at the loss of things that are very precious to you, things it has taken you a lifetime to gather. Tell her how upset you are that your trust has been betrayed and tell her that, at the moment, you are so shocked by it all that you don't know how to feel. Cry, she has to know that this is not about £1000 but about how hurt you are.

---- and then I think you need to draw a line under it. I don't think you should sell her belongings, stop her holiday or the school prom. I think you should sell the festival ticket, tell her that from now until the exams is time for studying so no parties, shopping trips with friends etc. Does she get an allowance or pocket money. I would cut that to the bare minimum until the summer holidays and accept that in payment. Don't let her have friends round until after the exams. She might even do better than predicted.

Can you afford to repair the damage. If so I think you should go ahead and do that as it will make you feel better. I don't think repayment of costs should be the main thing here but understanding the upset she has caused. You need to move on.

No, that doesn't help you but I'm just saying it's standard teenage behaviour.

It is not typical teenaged behaviour. I have two teenagers and they have many, many friends and (ds1 particularly) goes to lots of parties, some with parents present and some not, and I have never heard of a house being trashed or even seriously messed up.

I do think she was too young to be left alone overnight. I'm sure the NSPCC guidelines are that children under 16 should not be left alone overnight and I would not have left my teenagers until this year (18 and almost 17, but 18 year old has mild s/n's). But I'm sure some would consider me precious.