to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

[mysteryfairy]

I do wonder OP if her comment re the gardening has come after you put her on the defensive. I bet her first reaction was horror and remorse but you have reacted so strongly that she's lashed out back.

I wouldn't deny her the holiday. She is looking after 3 children. It won't just be fun. It will be hard work and character forming and sounds like an experience she would benefit from in terms of gaining maturity.

I wouldn't deny the prom either. It's a once in a life time thing and if you withdraw it will stand out in all your minds years after some stained carpets and broken glass are forgotten. The music festival (probably) happens every year so I think that is a more obvious candidate for punishment. I would also be seeing this as a good opportunity to enforce really disciplined study for GCSEs over the school holidays. No socialising, limited phone time etc. The way every parent would like their child to revise but in this case you can impose it more rigorously without feeling mean and tell her it has to be like this because left to herself she makes bad decisions. It would be great if some good came out of all this in the form of excellent exam results.

The state of your house must be making you feel ill. If you can afford it I would get a contract cleaning company in to sort out as much as possible immediately. You will feel less horrendous yourself once you're not looking at any devastation and your house is back to normal and that will really help to keep things in proportion with your daughter.

[Comeatmefam]

diddl - it's fact... why are you getting exasperated? I said I'd be upset, furious and get her pay back a large swathe of money. I just wouldn't alienate her by trotting out endless punishments, clutching pearls and talking about broken trust. 'Jesus' right back at you.

[Kelpie1975]

In what world does letting her go to the prom but not paying for her nails count as a punishment?!

You shouldn't drag this out forever, but the punishments should be clear and really sting.

• No festival, obviously.
  
• No prom. If she needs time to study as well as clear up, get her head in a book on prom night.
  
• No holiday. It's nonsense to say these things are "rewards for the effort she's put into life so far." If you screw up you screw up, and she needs to learn consequences.
  
• Selling the festival ticket and whatever refund you can get on the holiday should recoup most of the £1k she owes you. If not, she can sell some of her stuff to cover the balance.
  

Then you need to draw a line under it. You shouldn't blank her or deny her love. Whatever she's done, she's your daughter.

(On a side note, what is this "prom" nonsense? Limos and hair extensions for teenagers? When did we turn into America? What's wrong with a tinny disco, and staring awkwardly at each other across the school hall/dancefloor?)

[Leonas]

I had

[Leonas]

I ha

[Joysmum]

Did nobody read the OP's update at 2:30?

This wasn't a case of a party getting out of hand, DD knowingly invited known house wreckers to the house.

She know is now blasé about the whole matter and not at all horrified, upset or contrite. I'd have been mortified if it were me at that age and desperate to make amends. So the consequences need to be higher as it needs to teach a lesson as well as being a punishment.


Personally I don't believe any consequences should affect her study.

I also think she should be allowed to go to the prom but with no support from you.

She should be grounded and forced to pay off her debt though extra chores and no allowance from you.

Her ticket should be sold.

[diddl]

"diddl - it's fact... why are you getting exasperated?"

Because I don't agree that teens having house trashing parties when parents are away is a fact!

I don't think that it is standard behavour.

I think most teens have much more sense tbh.

[maggiemight]

You need to set achievable punishments. For example gardening is probably imo a hopeless demand as no teenager I know would ever do enough or do it properly so that then it's another ongoing argument about not doing it well enough.

What are the chances of her getting a job in the summer? No point demanding she pays money back if she has no money - then it will go on and on for years. If she does get a job how much might she earn - you probably want to be given 3/4 of it back as compensation for your losses so she isn't penniless.

Perhaps set new rules about ongoing housework expectations and never let them slip - eg she does her own washing and drying of clothes (though this can result in the machine constantly full of her damp clothing) or she hoovers the downstairs twice a week etc - whatever suits you.

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse
Well, I'm not sure that you think beyond your own self gratification at that age, and impressing your friends.

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

Having to clean shouldn't impact her revision. If she's not studying she should be cleaning, if she isn't cleaning she should be studying.

And as soon as GCSEs are over she should be working to pay her parents back.

[Leonas]

Sorry, phone playing up! I had lots of parties as a teen, most supervised but one or two sneaky ones. No major damage done but lots of tidying/ cleaning required. I think it is inevitable that teens will have parties if left alone, but I understand why you are upset/ angry with her.
Please don't force her to clean instead of studying. Of course she needs to help you and she should be made to pay you back for the damage but if she does badly in her exams you will feel awful, as will she. Personally, I wouldn't ban prom either (but would limit the cost) but the festival ban is fair.
Tbh, the damage caused to her socially from you calling the police is going to be a fairly harsh punishment in itself.

[Leonas]

Sorry, phone playing up! I had lots of parties as a teen, most supervised but one or two sneaky ones. No major damage done but lots of tidying/ cleaning required. I think it is inevitable that teens will have parties if left alone, but I understand why you are upset/ angry with her.
Please don't force her to clean instead of studying. Of course she needs to help you and she should be made to pay you back for the damage but if she does badly in her exams you will feel awful, as will she. Personally, I wouldn't ban prom either (but would limit the cost) but the festival ban is fair.
Tbh, the damage caused to her socially from you calling the police is going to be a fairly harsh punishment in itself.

[shewhowines]

Agree job after exams to pay you back.

Total up the damage then deduct the money she has to pay back, as you make savings. So cheap dress etc for prom. The extra money that you would have spent can be deducted from what she owes you. No Easter egg/birthday present etc - deduct that. Pay her for extra jobs around the house and deduct that. The gardening she has offered to do will be a nice contribution to paying back the damage, but gardeners don't earn much per hour do they?
She needs to understand the effort it takes to repay £1000.

As long as you agree a repayment plan and she seems to be remorseful - forgive her. If she doesn't seem to understand why you are upset, then a lot of talking is needed. Try to come up with a plan and move on quickly though.

[Kelpie1975]

Tbh, the damage caused to her socially from you calling the police is going to be a fairly harsh punishment in itself.

Calling the police was totally the right thing to do. Criminal damage was caused.

[Roshbegosh]

bernie's suggestion about selling her bed etc is totally over the top and you were mad to let this happen and must shoulder some of the blame. It is what they do and she did try to sort things out. She is only a child, you are the adult.

The holiday everyone refers to is actually a job. I wouldn't go away to look after three children and think of it as an all expenses paid holiday. She will be working and will probably hate it.

Calm down and think of a sensible way of making her pay back a good proportion of the money. Getting to £500 in the next six or twelve months should be agreed and not let go. Then focus on rebuilding your relationship. Of course she should go to the prom, not the concert, and no, I would not pay for a dress, hair, nails etc. She has to earn that money.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

Wow, calm down OP. It's just stuff. Be thankful nobody died or ended up in hospital.

Yes, she needs to be punished, but not to this extent. Really - selling all her clothes and her GHD's, making her cancel her summer job, prom, her festival and making her clean instead of study for her exams? That's appalling OP.

My advice would be to sell the festival ticket, and make her pay for prom if she wants to go. Don't cancel it, it's a huge occasion for a teenager and she'll hold it against you for years.

Don't take away your love. Yes, you're disappointed and that's fine, but don't snap at her and spend weeks barely speaking to her. That's just cruel.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Wow.

You want to crush her don't you? Tread on her? Break HER? Look I get the anger. The spite. But it is not the adult thing. I hope that's for here and in life you are controlled.

I'm sorry but this happens. To nice people. To good girls and boys. They randomly make bad decisions, get led astray. You know that. Sometimes you can save it and sometimes it costs. But you are experiencing something that's happened ALOT. It ain't new.

So, what to do?

Grounding. Basically if it ain't revision it ain't happening.
Removal of key items eg phone, laptop unless studying.
Prom, go but you drop off and collect. No limos, no extras. She paints her own nails and if she says she will pay to get them done, well that's a donation to your 'house pot'.

Paying further? Well I think 60-40 should apply personally. 60% you and 40% her after gcses. Is she old enough for summer job? Waitress etc?

My guess is she feels bad but your anger means she doesn't know what to do/say. Don't forget here you love each other please.

[anniepanniepears]

I think you are being a bit harsh with all the punishments that you are dishing out.I agree she needs to be punished but her prom should not be I included.
If it was my home and daughter I would be livid but I would let her go to the prom,holiday,and festival but make her pay something towards the cost after her exams, just imagine how she feels probably terrible but is unable to show her feelings, her mind is probably in overdrive and not able to think about studying which I think should be important at this time
Try and let your anger calm down a bit before you decide what to do easier said that done I know

[rookiemater]

I don't think it's fair on the other family to cancel the holiday. They have presumably already paid for your DD and have an expectation of some help when they are away. Not fair that they are out of pocket.

[anniepanniepears]

Could I ask some of you who agree to the harsh punishments
if this was your own daughter would you still be giving out the same punishment ?

[Logg1e]

The rest of the family will be living with the consequences of the daughter's actions for sometime - the cost, going without things and that awful feeling after you've been burgled and your home violated. A 16 should be protected from costs of £1000 if possible, but I think she needs to experience the repercussions of her actions.

[defineme]

I'd be worried about why she felt the need to invite known trouble makers - does she feel under social pressure?

I would sell the ticket for the damage cost and there'd be no expensive prom dress-she can wear something she's got/borrow something. Gardening would make up the rest of the cost.
If I saw her knuckle down to clean up and to study then I'd let her go to the prom.

I don't think it's really a holiday if she's looking after 3 kids-more of a reality check and you'll need a break from her-win win and doesn't let the family down.

Absolutely right to call the police-if they're ex 6th form they're adults!
I had teen parties, my parents left me lots of times-the only mess I cleared up was vomit and fag butts(outside!) -nothing smashed, no permanent damage.I only invited my very close friends-certainly wouldn't have been stupid enough to invite much older known idiots.

I'd put the list of what she has to do up somewhere visible and then I'd try and be civil-no point stressing yourself out by being permanently cross.

[CeliaFate]

I think it was Duncan Bannatyne whose daughter had a party for her 16th birthday and loads of stuff got trashed. For her next birthday he gave her a cheque for £500 - made out to Children in Need.

She has destroyed your trust, behaved disrespectfully and shown little contrition or remorse.

But I think her punishment should be to revise extra hours, miss the prom and then get a summer job to pay you back.

Get a professional cleaning company in to repair what can be repaired and take it out of her allowance over time.

I would be tempted to try and involve her in volunteering work with homeless teenagers - her arrogant assumption that this is what teenagers do needs to be stamped out.

[crazyoldfish]

Your title asks if you are unreasonable to want to punish her. Yes you are. If revenge is your only motivation. I think you need to try to focus on discipline rather than punishment, ie what do you actually need to do to teach her that what she did was wrong rather than thinking of ways for you to make her as miserable as you feel about it.
So focus on consequences that might help- perhaps not being allowed alone again, to really demonstrate to her the trust she had and violated. Rther than trying to squeeze money out of her. (Though I probably would add the festival too as she will presumably be unsupervised there as ell).
This cannot be forever and she needs to know there is a chance to earn back your trust. And in the not too distant future otherwise what's the point in trying.
Talk to her about the money ask her if she has ideas.
Realistically she has to be at least willing to follow your punishments or they just won't happen so I think a long conversation starting with open questions about what she thinks might help.
Try to stay calm.
I do realise this is all very easy to type when I'm not sitting in a trashed house but I really do think it is the only way that there isn't a huge amount of resentment and precious little else. What you want her to remember is presumably that she shouldn't have done it, how much it hurt you etc, not that she was hard done by/you are mean etc.