Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that my brother and his fiancée should pay?

93 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 14:37

My brother and his fiancée (also one of my very good friends, and both DS1's godparents) suggested a while ago that they take DS1 and DS2 (4.5 and 2.5) on a day trip to the zoo during the holidays. It was completely their idea, no suggestions from us at all, although obviously DH and I are pretty pleased about having a day to ourselves! DB and his DF work full time, house share with another couple, don't have any children of their own, and are quite 'well off' in terms of disposable income. DH and I are skint as skint things and wouldn't have arranged this day trip ourselves as we can't really afford it right now.

The trip is arranged for next week and I've just had a call from DB's F asking whether we will be paying for the zoo tickets for our DSes. I said that we couldn't afford to, hence why we didn't arrange the trip ourselves, and she seemed to get a bit huffy but said "Oh OK, that's fine . We'll pay, I just wanted to check ". The way she said it just made me feel like I was in the wrong.

So am I? Or should they pay for a day trip they suggested and organised? I am going to pack a lunch for the boys if they need one (they haven't decided whether they're having a picnic or not) and will give them a couple of pounds each to spend in the shop, but that's about the limit of my budget. I've just been left feeling like I'm being really U. Help me Mumsnet!

OP posts:
PicaK · 08/04/2014 15:57

Well i reckon the conversation went like this:

DF hey zoo next week. Should we book tickets?
DB umm ahh (generally clueless). Maybe my sister booked tickets.
DF well I doubt it cos we're taking them out
DB umm ahh (generally useless)
DF sighs I'll ring and chec, shall I.

Then despite being the proactive one with no expectations gets labeled the baddy even tho (as she's pointed out) she only rang to check.

Well - it's as likely as the other scenario.

sebsmummy1 · 08/04/2014 16:04

I think if I had had the initial conversation I would have mentioned money. Whether it be 'oh no, that's too generous of you, won't the tickets be expensive?' Thus leaving the door open for family member to say 'oh no it's fine don't be silly' or 'oh that's a point, let me go and see what it will cost and get back to you'. Thus allowing them to back out or change plans to something free if need be.

I have to say I couldn't let it drop. I would be ringing DB and saying that there appears to be a misunderstanding and I am embarrassed about the fact I was unable to contribute financially. Would it be better if the plans were cancelled or changed to something free? Then at least you could have a conversation about it and it wouldn't feel awkward next time you see them.

starfishmummy · 08/04/2014 16:05

It was their idea so I would assume they were paying too. And anyway when Raga offered lunch money, surely they would have have said something about wanting her to lay for the tickets if that was the case.

I suspect they are not as well odff as they seem and have realised how much it will cost or they are hoping to get out of taking them.
I hope the children don't know about the trip and end up disappointed.

eosmum · 08/04/2014 16:10

They shouldn't have to pay for the younger child, do they know that? And if your voucher covers an adult , it won't cost them anymore that just the two of them.

Itsfab · 08/04/2014 16:16

I don't see why the OP should have offered to pay when it isn't something she could afford. Those of you saying she should have offered what do you think she should do when the offer is accepted but she can't pay up?

notthegirlnextdoor · 08/04/2014 16:16

I don't ask my sister to pay when I take my nephew out! yadnbu

RedFocus · 08/04/2014 16:27

They offered to take the kids out so it is their treat.
Careful op if they buy the kids Easter eggs you may end up with the bill Wink

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 16:27

Pica your conversation scenario is the most likely one tbh! DB is so disorganised that he probably hasn't given the trip any further thought after his initial offer! When he first offered I asked whether he was 100% sure, and I did say then that the boys would be just as happy to go to the local soft play or farm (we have annual passes for the farm so that would have been free!) and he said no, they were looking forward to the zoo. So I didn't offer to pay, but did offer cheaper alternatives, IYSWIM?

OP posts:
IamaBreastfeedingTramp · 08/04/2014 16:36

YANBU.

The lesson for next time is to say
"that's kind of you but we can't afford the zoo at the moment its so expensive"

Forcing them to either agree or say they'll be paying.

Otherwise next time you may find them generously offering to take your dc to Disneyland for a weekend cheeky bastards

sebsmummy1 · 08/04/2014 17:05

Well OP based on your conversation with your DB it does sound as though his fiancé has taken it upon herself to get involved and start asking for money. Do you get on with her usually? I would be very wary of her from hereon in if it was me, and that's a shame.

complexnumber · 08/04/2014 17:25

Oh! I seem to be the only one in disagreement here.

In your position I think I would have offered to pay at the outset, (quite possibly anticipating that I would be told it was ok and that they were paying.) especially given how expensive these places can be.

You were talking with cross purposes, an awkward situation could have been avoided at the beginning. Can you talk about these things with your brother?

PicaK · 08/04/2014 17:32

I am often the nasty SIL checking things because DH has told me nothing!

ThePinkOcelot · 08/04/2014 17:35

Yanbu. They suggested the day out, they should pay. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my sister for the money when I took dn out years ago.

Original poster
RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 17:38

complex There would have been no point in me offering to pay because we can't actually afford it. I did, as I've said, suggest local (less expensive) stuff they could do with my DSes but they said they wanted to take them to the zoo. So then I just assumed that the cost was OK for them..

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 08/04/2014 17:41

I was thinking the same as breastfeedintramp At the time of them offerering I would have said "That's so kind, but we really can't afford it at the moment" To clear up any misunderstanding of payment. As they are family, definitely call up your DB or the DF and clear the air with them.

Viviennemary · 08/04/2014 17:43

It wouldn't even enter my head that you would have to pay for your DC's zoo tickets. What a cheeky pair they are.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/04/2014 17:47

They're stingy skinflints.
cut them out of your life
Hmm. They have now said they will pay (which is how it should be IMHO) so just let them see their original offer through; taking them to the zoo. Then say thank you, maybe with a little card form the DCs. FFS its so true that there's no such thing as free childcare. One day at the zoo, one day, do they think they're offering you the moon on a stick?
I suppose I'd expect to give them money for lunch or an ice cream or a souvenir, but if it had been my sisters DCs, who I used to take out quite a bit before I had DCs, I wouldn't have expected that. I loved spending time with them, I had more money than them then (now not the case as most of us with dcs know) and I knew it would help her out to have the break.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/04/2014 17:48

Ah yes, what Imabreastfeeding tramp said.
Next time eh Grin

patienceisvirtuous · 08/04/2014 17:50

No way. I take my nieces all over and wouldn't dream of asking for a penny off DB and DSIL.

If we go yo the cinema, DB gives them some money for sweets and a drink but I pay for lunch out and tix.

V cheeky of them imo.

glammanana · 08/04/2014 17:54

I would ring your brother and tell him about discounts for family tickets and also mention there are discounts available at most zoo's etc if he goes on line to book the tickets maybe the Fiancee is unaware of your finances and was being a bit thoughtless rather than unreasonable,I'm sure your brother will make things clear for you and say not to worry about the cost,I hope your little ones enjoy their day.

diddl · 08/04/2014 17:59

Why would OP offer to pay when she can't afford it?

Hopefully a conversation with her brother will sort things out.

BillyBanter · 08/04/2014 18:19

I can't see any way in which this was presented to you as them paying. They offered. They know you're skint. you suggested cheaper things, they insisted. If they were doing that knowingly with the intention of getting you to pay then they should have been entirely clear.

Crossed wires on their part, it seems.

Under these circs I would have expected them to pay.

If they were taking their kids and you asked them to take yours then I'd expect you to pay. If they were going anyway and said we can take them off your hands for the day then I'd want clarification but this instance seems fairly clear cut.

Sandthorn · 08/04/2014 18:29

Wow. YANB even slightly U! Hmm

I sometimes worry about being a tightwad, but I would never suggest I take somebody's kids on an expensive trip and then expect the parents to offer to pay. If i offered to take them to the zoo, I'd pay for travel, and tickets, and an ice-cream, and I'd sort the picnic. If I was skint, I'd offer to take them to the park instead.

Crikey, if you get to name the trip and the parents have to pay, I might offer to take my sister's kids to Portugal.

lionheart · 08/04/2014 18:47

But it is only one ticket for a four year old. How much is that?

YANBU, Raga and it is horrible that you have been made to feel badly about this. Is the DF usually such a skinflint?

levianne · 08/04/2014 18:55

Another one saying YANBU. I suspect they didn't know how unbelievably expensive the zoo is (if it's London Zoo).

Swipe left for the next trending thread