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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking that my brother and his fiancée should pay?

93 replies

RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 14:37

My brother and his fiancée (also one of my very good friends, and both DS1's godparents) suggested a while ago that they take DS1 and DS2 (4.5 and 2.5) on a day trip to the zoo during the holidays. It was completely their idea, no suggestions from us at all, although obviously DH and I are pretty pleased about having a day to ourselves! DB and his DF work full time, house share with another couple, don't have any children of their own, and are quite 'well off' in terms of disposable income. DH and I are skint as skint things and wouldn't have arranged this day trip ourselves as we can't really afford it right now.

The trip is arranged for next week and I've just had a call from DB's F asking whether we will be paying for the zoo tickets for our DSes. I said that we couldn't afford to, hence why we didn't arrange the trip ourselves, and she seemed to get a bit huffy but said "Oh OK, that's fine . We'll pay, I just wanted to check ". The way she said it just made me feel like I was in the wrong.

So am I? Or should they pay for a day trip they suggested and organised? I am going to pack a lunch for the boys if they need one (they haven't decided whether they're having a picnic or not) and will give them a couple of pounds each to spend in the shop, but that's about the limit of my budget. I've just been left feeling like I'm being really U. Help me Mumsnet!

OP posts:

Original poster

RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 15:08

Maybe they're annoyed because we didn't offer to pay? I just assumed that as they know our financial situation very well (we're all very close) they would know that we couldn't afford to pay that amount of money. It was only last week I was talking to DF about how our holiday plans consisted of exploring all the free woods and parks nearby as that's basically all we can afford!

She's at work now but I might try and give DB a ring later and just say I feel a bit uncomfortable about it all now, and ask him whether they're still happy to take them..

OP posts:

DeWe · 08/04/2014 15:08

They may have expected you to offer though.
If someone offered to take mine to that sort of thing, I think I would usually offer to pay. Usually it would be refused, and I would also refuse in that circumstance. Seems slightly strange the way she phones you up to ask though.

You can't always assume that poeople in that circumstance are rolling in money-they may have expenses they don't talk about. Dh says that the ones at work who are waiting for the next pay check are often those he'd think had the least expenses.

I'm not sure how you put I said that we couldn't afford to, hence why we didn't arrange the trip ourselves but I can imagine that being said in a way that comes across as "we're using you for the money" which could put their back up.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/04/2014 15:11

YANBU. I expect that when they offered, they assumed the zoo would be a fairly cheap day out.

I must admit to being a bit shocked at the prices when we went last year.

Still though, they only have one DS to pay for & if they can get a 2for1 voucher, then presumably they can even get his ticket for free?

Floggingmolly · 08/04/2014 15:12

Well not really, DeWe, as she didn't actually ask them to; they offered. Let's of people would take up an offer to do something they can't afford themselves, without wilfully taking advantage...

Hegsy · 08/04/2014 15:17

YANBU, if we offer to take SIL kids out we pay, even when she asks us to have them I still won't take money fro her

SuperScrimper · 08/04/2014 15:17

I would have offered to pay as I know how expensive the zoo is these days.

Original poster

RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 15:20

I didn't accept the offer thinking 'great, they can spend money so we don't have to'. It was more 'great, our boys will have a nice day out that they couldn't have had otherwise'.

I didn't say 'you can pay because we can't afford to' either, that was paraphrased. She kind of put me on the spot really, I felt a bit awkward and just kind of mumbled that we couldn't really afford the tickets. I also said that we had a 2for1 voucher which is valid for some places but that I wasn't sure if this particular zoo was one of them. I just feel a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing now, like we've done something wrong. Although the replies on here are making me think maybe not so much..

OP posts:

Original poster

RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 15:22

SuperScrimper we can't afford to offer. DB and DF know our financial situation and know that we are barely making ends meet at the moment, so I just assumed (naively, maybe) that they were offering to pay for a day out for our boys that we couldn't afford ourselves.

OP posts:

Thymeout · 08/04/2014 15:22

Yes, I would definitely have assumed they would pay.

I wonder if you could suggest Battersea Park Zoo to them? It has meerkats and lemurs and farm animals - in many ways less overwhelming than London Zoo for little ones. I think it would be less than £25 for all 4 of them.

Laquitar · 08/04/2014 15:22

Yes they have probably been shocked whith the prices.

Are you sure there was not missunderstanding?
I.e. she meant 'do we have to pay or do the dcs have annual tickets?'.

Definetely do the packed lunches because they are going to have another shock at the Restaurant!

diddl · 08/04/2014 15:24

Sounds as if the best thing is to talk to your brother anyway.

And tell him straight-if you could afford it you would have done!

Offer the voucher you have & also say they can take them somewhere cheaper/free/not bother, as they wish.

MegaClutterSlut · 08/04/2014 15:26

I would've assume I would be paying for myself unless they said otherwise. I see I'm in a minority though

Nomama · 08/04/2014 15:27

What diddl said.

Quick chat to your brother and get it all straightened out.

KellyElly · 08/04/2014 15:27

They are unreasonable and rude for putting you in an awkward position like that. I would have just sent a tenner each with the kids for spending money. I would tell them not to bother if I was you to be honest.

Mrsantithetic · 08/04/2014 15:29

Sod that. If I was paying for my kids to go to the zoo with someone else I would take them myself and get the benefit of seeing their faces light up.
Ydnbu

Comeatmefam · 08/04/2014 15:30

Yes I'd assume they were paying BUT I would have offerred to pay OR made some comment about 'are you sure that's ok, shall I make lunch as it might work out expensive?'.

Don't think you are in the wrong at all though. How awkward.

Preciousbane · 08/04/2014 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RagamuffinAndFidget · 08/04/2014 15:33

Comeat When they originally suggested this I did offer to sort out some bits for lunch for them all but they said they hadn't decided whether they were taking a picnic or not, and I did say that I would give them some money for the boys' lunches if they were going to buy something there. And I also said that I would give them some money to spend on ice creams/in the shop. So I'm not trying to take advantage and expecting them to foot the bill for everything.

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 08/04/2014 15:33

My friend offered to take my DD to the Cinema, as I was skint, off they went, friend paid, 3 weeks later, friend demanded the money back.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 08/04/2014 15:35

YANBU, unless it was stipulated at the start. I've had various friends and relatives offer to take DC to zoo etc and they've always said it's their treat - hell my mum and dad probably spend more on my DC than they did on us! They're even babysitting them at my house for 3 nights next month and have refused any money towards even just costs incurred and specifically told me "not to load up the fridge"....I do realise how lucky I am btw and we live on the other side of the world so this is the first time this has ever happened

The only exception was when DS was a toddler and DB a student, he offered to take DS out for the day but did ask if I could give him some money for their lunches as soon as the offer of a a day's babysitting was made and of course I obliged - but would have also been fine packing them a lunch or whatever if we didn't have the cash

FoodieToo · 08/04/2014 15:47

Actually I would have thought they might pay but I certainly would not expect it. I would definitely have offered the money.

No way I would let kids go now though as there will be resentment regardless.

quietbatperson · 08/04/2014 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Comeatmefam · 08/04/2014 15:52

Well then Raga you did all you could really and as I said, YANBU to think they would pay! As Anyfucker said, I used to take my neice and nephew out and pay for them and I was a student at the time!

Comeatmefam · 08/04/2014 15:53

Umm as an aside, it can't be a coincidence that suddenly I have wrap around London Zoo adverts all over my Mumsnet screen can it!?

VivaLeBeaver · 08/04/2014 15:55

If I invite another child out with me and dd I always pay for their ticket. If I was to take my nephew somewhere I'd pay for him. Blimey I'd pay for my little brother and he's an adult (but skint).

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