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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a tad uncomfortable about this woman taking photos of my DS?

78 replies

AveryJessup · 08/04/2014 04:48

This morning my playgroup had a group 'play date' at the park and I took DS (2.5) along. One of the mothers there had some professional-grade camera equipment with her and was taking lots of photos of her daughter, or at least that's what I thought.

As I was talking to her, I noticed she was actually zooming in her camera on my son and taking his photo. He wasn't playing with her DD or anything, just him on his own. I felt a bit uncomfortable about that so I asked her 'oh are you taking photos to share on [group site]?' and she said 'no, it's just my daughter has a lot of playdates coming up so I'm making sure I get a lot of practice with the camera' . I noticed later that she was doing this with a few of the other kids too, just photographing them on their own, not playing with her DD or in a group shot or anything.

DH thinks I should have challenged her on this and told her that I wasn't comfortable with her taking photos of my son without asking me first but I wasn't sure because there's no law against it, after all. It's not something I would ever do, however. She is an acquaintance and we see each other now and again. Her DD is a lovely little girl but this woman can be a little intense and weird. I was hesitant to challenge her for that reason too as she has fallen out with some of the mothers in the group before.

It's not that I think she has any nefarious purposes in taking photos of other people's kids. I just think it's a bit weird. I would always ask before I take a picture of another person's child and would offer to share the photo with them. To me it's odd to take photos of other people's kids just for yourself.

So AIBU? Or is photographing other people's kids without asking them using a zoom lens and expensive camera at a play date weird?

(We're in the US by the way, hence American terminology, reference to law of the state we're in etc.)

OP posts:

Sirzy · 08/04/2014 05:53

Well personally my response would have been "ooh right could you email me the ones with DS in would be great to have a copy of them"

Morgause · 08/04/2014 06:24

She explained she was trying out the camera. I imagine most of the photos will be deleted.

MinesAPintOfTea · 08/04/2014 06:31

That is a bit weird. I'm also surprised the playgroup allowed it, ours bans taking photos in the "house rules" so certainly would have a word.

Geordiegirl79 · 08/04/2014 06:41

Hmm, that is a bit odd, as you say I am sure no dodgy motives but still not something I would do. My DD was playing outside the front of our house a few months ago with my DP and an (older grandparenty type) couple walked past and started taking pictures of her 'because she looked so cute'!!! DP was so taken aback he didn't know what to say, they took their pictures then carried on down the street! He said he thought they were tourists

thebody · 08/04/2014 07:01

It's difficult because yes it would make me cross as she didn't ask permission but if she had I probably would have said it was fine.

I think for me it's the not asking permission

I would ask her to email you the photos of your son and if she's huffy reming her that she will need to be very sensitive to this issue if she wants to call herself a professional photographer.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 08/04/2014 07:09

Paedophiles tend to have their cameras in the bushes rather than tell you what they are doing.

It was in a public park, so I'm guessing the playgroup (even if it did have the no pictures rule) couldn't do very much about it.

If it was a dead posh camera, I'd have asked her for some copies too.

Booboostoo · 08/04/2014 07:13

YABU. Why is it weird that she's getting used to her new camera by taking portraits of lovely children? Why do you think that makes her weird? Should she just focus on flowers to be more normal or are dogs acceptable too?

Booboostoo · 08/04/2014 07:14

(should clarify that on dog and horse fora people are equally worried about strangers taking photos of their animals - I still have no clue why they think that's weird)

fieldfare · 08/04/2014 07:20

Now if my little compact camera wasn't behaving I'd borrow dh's dslr to take with me on an outing with the kids. Complete with zoom lense, it's an expensive bit of kit but I never for one moment thought that might change how people perceive me behind it!
Ask for copies of the photos.
She was probably just playing with the settings on the camera to see which gave the best results.

LongTimeLurking · 08/04/2014 07:23

Just imagine the response if it were a man doing this..........

gordyslovesheep · 08/04/2014 07:27

the response would be identical from me - no idea what the issue is at all

invicta · 08/04/2014 07:36

30 years ago, it wouldn't bother me. Today, definitely a bit weird if she was focusing on individual children, and not general group shots, and not authorised by the playgroup. In most childcare situations, you have to sign consent forms for photographs, and if you haven't consented to her taking photos, then it's a bit weird. I would feel a bit uneasy.

Why don't you ask for some copies of the photographs and/ or have a quiet word with the playgroup leader asking to be informed if a photographer was going to be present or not.

Original poster

AveryJessup · 08/04/2014 07:41

Because it's not something I or anyone I know would do, BooBoo.

If you want to test out the camera, just take photos of your own kid, surely? Or ask the parents' permission, the same way you would ask permission of anyone before taking their photo (if kids are toddlers / babies so not necessarily able to answer for themselves)?

This clearly isn't a paedophile hysteria thread Drank It just seemed weird to me because normally if you take photos of other people's kids, you ask permission and you offer to share the photos. She did neither.

OP posts:

Geordiegirl79 · 08/04/2014 07:47

Yes, I agree with [Avery], I think it is more an issue of manners. Surely it is plain good manners to ask before taking someone's photo?

Jinty64 · 08/04/2014 07:48

One of the other mothers was taking photos of the children at an activity I was at with my ds3 last week. I wouldn't have done it but thought it was ok. I really wanted to ask her for a copy but am too shy.

Geordiegirl79 · 08/04/2014 07:48

Woops, meant Avery. Sleep deprived!

Original poster

AveryJessup · 08/04/2014 08:03

That's how I see it, Geordie. You wouldn't stand around snapping photos of adults at a party without asking them so why do it with kids? And at the very least if you were snapping photos of adults, you would make it clear you were doing so and that you planned to share the photos.

This woman kind of creeps me out already as she has said some inappropriate things to me a couple of times, ranted at me about other people's bad parenting (thankfully not mine - yet!) and made some dark hints that 'there's no legal penalty for false allegations of child abuse in this state you know' about people she doesn't like. So I guess that's why I started the AIBU to see if this is generally weird behavior or if I'm letting my overall unsettled feeling about this woman colour my view of things.

OP posts:

LtColGrinch · 08/04/2014 08:11

It's a bit difficult, not sure what the laws are where you are, but in the UK you can take photos of anyone in a public place. I think you have to get a permission slip if you want to profit from them e.g. publish, but it's not illegal to take pictures.

Some of the best urban or people shots are taken without anyone being aware the camera is there...

She obviously didn't think she was doing anything wrong.

Nataleejah · 08/04/2014 08:13

She said she was trying it out, so probably nothing much to share. I think she should have asked first, but....

In the world of photography, it is really great art to take spontaneous, random shots. If you tell people, they will start posing and totally ruin the moment. On the other hand, there is a risk of getting beaten up.

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2014 08:17

Before you mentioned about the feelings you have about this woman I would have said YWBU.

Children make fabulous subjects for photography practice. I would assume that your DC and the others were doing something more interesting or just made a change from pictures of her DD.

And yes, I would have asked for copies. I love natural photos of children.

Your last little drip post does at least explain why you're more weirded out than perhaps would have been necessary.

FriendlyLadybird · 08/04/2014 08:17

Most photographers I know, both amateur and professional, see the world through their camera lens. They take pictures where they see them, and there are bound to be loads of pictures at a playgroup visit to the park. A colleague of mine spent almost the whole of a company family event taking photo graphs of the children there - and she doesn't even have any children of her own. Shock. Horror.
Yabu. She was just taking pictures of pretty children..

RussianBlu · 08/04/2014 08:28

It's a bit strange. I think she is photographing the children so she can decide who to and who not to invite for 'playdates' (annoying term!) and can scribble little notes about parent and child on the back :) If you want to practice with your new camera you take pictures of your own family and things like trees and birds I think.

Booboostoo · 08/04/2014 08:29

Just because you don't do something OP doesn't mean it's weird for other people to do it - this is simply not a valid argument. I assume there are many things that you don't do that other people do, guessing here, but it could be that you're not a vegetarian (or not a meat eater if you like), not a horse rider (or not a cyclist), not a stunt driver (or never use public transport) but that alone does not make these activities weird.

What is weird about taking other people's photos? Aside from paedo panic there is no harm in it, there is no loss of dignity from it and you certainly don't lose your soul from having your photo taken!

DrankSangriaInThePark · 08/04/2014 08:33

And here we go with the dripfeed. Might it have been an idea to mention you already had issues with you in your OP?

Obviously then, yes, she's a weirdo and selling the pics of your kids to drugs/paedo cartels.

Happy now?

Blueandwhitelover · 08/04/2014 08:45

I think she was probably taking pictures of the 'naice' children so she knew who she wanted to invite back. I would find it a bit weird-do many of the group know the woman well to know if she is a big photographer or not?

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