To wish well-meaning people would stop suggesting I foster?

[thegoldenaxe]

As a child, and adolescent, I thought I would meet someone easily, and we would marry, have children. It wasn't to be and I can live with this although I am sad of course.

The problem is that I can't escape the feeling I won't have children. It does sadden me.

But people seem convinced the answer to wanting children is to fling children at you - any child - and in particular I have had people go on about being a foster mum. I don't want to and couldn't even if I did!

AIBU to wonder how people get it all so wrong?

I have had two of my own children but really dislike the whole 'you could adopt/foster' line handed out to those who want but can't/don't have them.

I know how much I wanted my own family and fostering would not have filled that gap for me.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

33 today!

So sorry and I feel your pain. Fostering is a very big deal. Would it be crass to mention sperm donation? I know several women who have done this successfully, two of which have had their second child.

I was a single mum for the first 9 years, so I know it's tough but also wonderful and special to have that close bond.

Happy birthday! You are still young enough to have a family by the way.

Happy Birthday

YANBU to feel like this. I often think its an insensitive comment to make but I think it comes from being thoughtless whilst thinking they are being helpful. People like to comment even if it is a dumb arse comment to make.

I definitely don't want to go down the route of sperm donation. I have no issues with it as a concept but equally don't feel it would be right for me.

I know theoretically I am young enough to have a family; the problem is actually finding someone to have a family with.

Sorry, this must be painful for you. I just wanted to add that a close relative of mine did adopt after failed IVF and is now blissfully happy; she now recommends those in a similar position do the same - when asked. I think people do wish you happiness when they suggest this. But I agree it is clumsy; people are all different and for some people it is not the same.

I'm 37 and childless / marriage less. I haven't given up hope yet.

33 is still young. Happy Birthday; go and celebrate a few times, have fun!

Happy birthday and no YANBU at all. Got 2 of my own but does my head in hearing that suggestion aimed at those who are childless. Its almost like "oh can't your own biological child? here have this one instead as a consolation prize!" and fostering in particular is surely nothing like having your own child, biological or adopted?!

I see your point and I avoid saying such things to people in your situation, or those having trouble TTC. However, children do need fostering, someone has to talk about it. That conversation could be the first step to a child living in a safe home.

Er, my adopted relative is dearly loved. In no way is she a "consolation prize".

That's the point: I wouldn't be able to offer a safe home.

I think people just think "oh, they want kids, there are some going spare here" without thinking. It isn't malicious and I fully recognise that but it does get tedious politely explaining why you won't foster, adopt or have donated sperm.

Did you really just refer to adopted children as consolation prizes?

OP, I was in your position at 33. Now 41, I finally met a wonderful man at almost 39 and we got married last year. DD is 6 weeks They were both worth the wait - don't give up!

And yes, those well-meaning comments about fostering are bloody annoying!

Ooh congratulations!

Hope so. So difficult meeting men.

At 33, I don't think you need to write off marriage and children. Are you looking? Actively looking? Internet? Singles events? Making it a priority?

I don't think people mention fostering as an insult, they probably naively think it might be something you haven't thought of. I can see sperm donation comments being annoying because they are more in line with referencing that you will never be in a relationship, but if someone suggested I'd make a good foster parent I'd think of it as a compliment.

Desperately clearly wasn't referring to adopted children as consolation prizes, merely pointing out that these are the stupid comments made to people who can't have children for whatever reason. Some posters on here could pick a fight in an empty room .

I've tried nfk but haven't had any much luck, to be honest ... We shall see.

I haven't written it off but all the same you go from thinking "this is temporary" to "I wonder if this will be permanent".

That is the thing saga - I wouldn't; I would be TERRIBLE! People overlook the fact I work full time, travel regularly, work shifts and am single with no family support whatsoever!

If it's important to you, I'd give it another go. To me, 33 seems very young. Plenty of time for something as life changing as marriage and children.

33 is no age at all, you've got almost a decade before you write yourself off.

I'm 37 with an 18 month old. Several of the friends I've made with children the same age didn't meet their partners until after they were 35.

Go on. What have you tried? I can see that the travelling (is that for work?) and shift work might make meeting people difficult but what have you tried?

33 is young. happy birthday.

Knitting, my relative who adopted is genuinely wishing others the same happiness that she found when she suggests they consider adoption. Clearly this does upset many, including OP, and it's probably best not to offer advice unless asked.

We are all different - some people feel no need for a genetic connection with their child; others find that to be very important factor.