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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish well-meaning people would stop suggesting I foster?

68 replies

thegoldenaxe · 07/04/2014 21:24

As a child, and adolescent, I thought I would meet someone easily, and we would marry, have children. It wasn't to be and I can live with this although I am sad of course.

The problem is that I can't escape the feeling I won't have children. It does sadden me.

But people seem convinced the answer to wanting children is to fling children at you - any child - and in particular I have had people go on about being a foster mum. I don't want to and couldn't even if I did!

AIBU to wonder how people get it all so wrong?

OP posts:

OxfordBags · 07/04/2014 21:57

I didn't even meet my DH until I was about 34, and now we have a 3 year old DS! (I'm in my 40s) It really isn't too late to find Mr Right, or have children - the only barrier will actually be your defeatist attitude where you sigh 'it wasn't to be' and all that stuff. If you've written yourself at such a young age, you're not even giving yourself a chance.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 07/04/2014 21:58

golden yeah I can see that being annoying then! I stand corrected.

Agree with others, you have plenty of time left!

Original poster

thegoldenaxe · 07/04/2014 21:59

Oh Lord nkk - I'm not going down this route! It is like visiting the parents!

At the moment I don't feel in a position to want to try to meet someone: if I do, great unlikely, but great but I really don't feel I can or want to force it on the internet or similar.

If this means I don't have children, then yes that is a shame but better than sacrificing my sanity and dignity in the process!

OP posts:

nkf · 07/04/2014 21:59

It's not just about a genetic connection though is it? Adopting and fostering is complicated. Other parents, a history you weren't part of, often a bad start in life for the child. Not to mention intense scrutiny by social services. Quite right of course, but it's not some easy alternative to biological motherhood.

Original poster

thegoldenaxe · 07/04/2014 21:59

Hey - I haven't written myself off! Others apparently have by suggesting I foster, mind.

OP posts:

Isabeller · 07/04/2014 22:00

I think you can get free or low cost egg retrieval if you are egg sharing (must be under 35) and then freeze some of your eggs.

nkf · 07/04/2014 22:00

Oops. Sorry.

thebody · 07/04/2014 22:02

You are 33? Don't be a daft mare. You are young. Loads of time.

Fostering a child takes huge reserves. I find it incredible that anyone would think anyone could do it.

Original poster

thegoldenaxe · 07/04/2014 22:04

Argh; I am not the one being daft! It is other people who are so convinced that I won't meet anybody they are telling me I must grab the first child that walks past!

OP posts:

Fortyisthenewthirty · 07/04/2014 22:06

I was 32 when I met my husband. We didn't exactly get to it straight away (nearly 3 years until marriage, then 1 year before we started TTC). I now have a little boy.

It's not all over at 33. You could meet someone tomorrow. I met my husband when I least expected it, just happened to be a friend of a friend at a gathering I went to. After years of on and off dating, including speed dating, internet dating and just off the back of a disastrous relationship.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 07/04/2014 22:07

I know you didn't ask but I found internet dating a godsend as it fit in with hectic work requirements, plus I'm not very extroverted so it was just the thing for me.

My now DH and I messaged back and forth for around 10 weeks before our schedules lined up to go on a date. In that time I felt like I practically knew him, and logging on after a particularly grueling day at work and seeing a message from him always made me smile.

4 years later we are happy and have our DCs. I think my dignity is still intact. Yep, still there!

Original poster

thegoldenaxe · 07/04/2014 22:09

Unfortunately I have tried the 'Net ... no luck.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 07/04/2014 22:11

33! Gosh, I felt like you at 33!

Why on earth do you feel over the hill? Are you spending lots of time with married couples with dc and feeling you should babysit whilst they go out on sat nights?:)

Boring, but really concentrate on your career as whatever happens you'll get older and need money, and whilst you're not juggling married life and kids you have every opportunity to be as successful as you can.

Plus- going to all those networking events etc will get you out there and meeting new people if nothing else, and if you meet single women like you to do stuff with that's great. Or single men.

Seriously - you are poised for a great decade. Write down all the things you want to do, be it trek Ben Nevis, move jobs, take up rock climbing ( fit blokes ( ahem) piss off to Spain/ Ecuador one Christmas and learn Spanish, do an OU degree, dump the sensible car and get a 2 seater., get a makeover for fun, go to Madrid for the weekend on a cheap flight and sightsee like mad- if you don't meet someone, at least you will have lived and feel good. Plot and plan your weekends. And work hard.

Its what I did:) and I had lots of fun. Met dh ( disaster, obviously) but I now have 2 dc and I'm taking my own advice when I feel up to it.. But this time I will have 2 dc in tow. They fancy Paris:)

pissedoffwithitall · 07/04/2014 22:11

I started a thread a few days ago about wanting a partner/DC (slightly different for me as I do already have DC, had 2 as a single parent in my early 20s) lots of people saying oh it will happen, you have loads of time, you just have to TRY etc.

I have tried tbh, and it doesn't get me anywhere, I've been single most of my 30s (40 now). So it might happen for you, but in my experience it's not guaranteed at all.

I've had people suggest adoption/fostering to me, but it's just not compatible with working FT/having no family support unfortunately, as you seem well aware.

Spartak · 07/04/2014 22:16

I'm 36. I have a good job, my own home, I'm reasonably intelligent and I'm not totally butt ugly. But I'm totally unable to find a suitable partner.

It makes me sad that I probably won't have children now too. The comments about fostering/adopting/sperm donation really don't help. And everyone seems to know someone who met the love of their life at 38 and had four children by 42!

Taffeta · 07/04/2014 22:22

I met DH at 33, got married at 35, had DS at 36 and DD at 39.

My best friend met her DH at 42, married at 43 and had her DD at 44.

I never thought I'd meet anyone. I was also told at 18 I couldn't have children, so that was bollocks. It took me about 5 years after DS was born to get over the shock, tbh.

parakeet · 07/04/2014 22:30

Well if having biological children are that important to you then maybe you should swallow your pride and continue plugging away at dating sites, etc.

If you had posted this at 43 I would have every sympathy.

pissedoffwithitall · 07/04/2014 22:33

Equally...

I have a colleague who met her DH at 33, married at 37. Spent 5 years ttc, course of IVF, and (very sadly) it didn't happen.

I also have a friend who left her DH in her early 30s as he couldn't be certain he wanted children - she definitely did. She is still single 7 years on (as is he). And another who met someone at 39, engaged at 41, about to get married at 43. They hope to still have DC, but I'm not sure how realistic that is.

So for all the 'success' stories there are lots that don't quite end with both husband and DC, unfortunately.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 07/04/2014 22:33

Spartak you still have two years to go then!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 07/04/2014 22:33

Arrrrrrghhhhh! no I didn't mean it like that. I certainly don't see children who are adopted as a consolation prize but it seems that some do. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone by saying that wasn't my intention at ALL. reading it back I realise that it didn't translate well. oops.

Jollyphonics · 07/04/2014 22:47

Want annoys me most about the "you could always adopt" comments is the way people seem to think it's an easy option if IVF fails or all becomes too much. In reality adopting is just as stressful (more so in many ways) than IVF. People seem to think it's just a question of basic maths - there are kids who need homes, there are childless adults who want kids - they can all live happily ever after together. They have no idea of the complexities of the system, and talk about it as if it was as easy as popping to the shop to buy some groceries!

Spartak · 07/04/2014 22:47

Where are all these decent men in their late 30s?. The last date I went on turned out to be married.

The one before that was like a man-child. Dealt with everything by text message. Tried to 'seduce' me by whipping off his top and telling me he was 'horny as fuck' in a manner I'd not experienced since I was a teenager.

I wonder if there is actually anyone normal left.

pissedoffwithitall · 07/04/2014 22:52

Spartak I'd say there are barely any normal ones (sorry!). The ones who seem normal don't want a relationship. The ones who want a relationship by and large are single for a reason...

charliefoxtrot · 07/04/2014 22:59

OP, whereabouts do you live? I've been trying to get my brother married off for years but he remains inexplicably single. He's 34, good looking, job, car, manners, good personal hygiene. He's in the same boat as you, would love to have a family but worried it's getting late. However, please don't tell him I was pimping him out on Musmnet, he'd probably disapprove of that

Spartak · 07/04/2014 23:01

I'm in the south west Charlie. I'll have him if he's local to me!

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