To wish well-meaning people would stop suggesting I foster?

[thegoldenaxe]

As a child, and adolescent, I thought I would meet someone easily, and we would marry, have children. It wasn't to be and I can live with this although I am sad of course.

The problem is that I can't escape the feeling I won't have children. It does sadden me.

But people seem convinced the answer to wanting children is to fling children at you - any child - and in particular I have had people go on about being a foster mum. I don't want to and couldn't even if I did!

AIBU to wonder how people get it all so wrong?

Can't help much with your situation but wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You are exactly 4 years younger than me!

I agree with you about people offering adoptionandfostering as some kind of magic happy pill. Nobody ever suggested it to me - I think perhas realising that I don't have the attention span...

If you would like to meet someone, then this is a very good book.

But it looks from your posts as if in many ways you are perfectly happy single and it's other people's opinions being foisted on you that bothers you. If that's not accurate, bear in mind that people you meet may also come away with that impression.

happy Birthday
I was 34 when I had my dear twins, if I had been a month later I would have been 35, I was so chuffed to beat 3 generations of my Dad family for first born's,
My Dad was 35 when I was born, his mother was 35 when she had her first of 3, 36 when she had my Dad, and she was part of the lost generation from WW1 her husband was 6 years younger, her mother was 42 with her second my Gran.
My Gran on Mums side last child at 43, I have 2 cousins who had children at 43 and currently have a cousin who's baby is due 2 months after her grandchild she is 41.

I have 2 friends who's parents are in their 80's, one who just lost her mum this week, she was the surprise baby after 4, her mum was 46 when she had her, she is 20 years younger than her youngest sibling.

the other her mother was 48 and she was the first and only, unusual I will admit, but it was an odd condition her mum had, a thickened hymen, friend had it also.

only advice I can give is don't look for a man to give you children, look for a man who makes you feel great, they are out there, most men are great they have been brought up by Mums and Dads :) because if you don't have children you can have a great and meaningful life without them, I also have many family members who don't and they are all amazing, creative, funny and talk to me as an adult not a mum, 2 thumbs up to all my family who are childless through choice or not they have been better rocks than those that do, the log the short the gay and the straight.

I think the right partner is more important than children, I really do, they are a really great cake, children are like the cherry on top then, nice but not necessarily needed.

I do get that that adoption and fostering is a gruelling process, and that certainly needs looking into. But as was said by a PP, there ARE children who need families. And many people with fertility problems (in my own very close family) do consider adoption viable route to a family, as do many people without (known) fertility problems.

Only you know what's right for you, but I think it's harsh to dismiss ALL people who suggest this as "stupid".

Bowing out of this thread now.

But I haven't got fertility problems

I don't understand why you are offended: I haven't, to my recollection, called anybody 'stupid' but I do think a woman on her own, who works unsociable hours and has no support at all is unsuitable for fostering - it is a silly suggestion.

Re other posts, the only single men I meet are ones at halfway houses coming out of foster care - I don't know, it could happen tomorrow and all that: at the same time this situation has been like this for so very long I am not honestly sure now it will change!

goldenaxe, I know how you feel. I found myself in that position at your age (33), working crazy hours in a very demanding City job, no partner, no prospects of ever having a family.

It didn't bother me when people suggested fostering or adoption because I have adopted relatives that I adore and I know how well it can work, but in my case it wasn't feasible unless I moved out of London and downsized my expenses enough so that I could get a full-time nanny or somehow I gave up my job for a part-time one (and still, I couldn't figure out how I'd manage in the toddler years). I know there are many amazing single moms that manage, but at the time for me it seemed impossible.

Then out of the blue, at 37, I met the most amazing man, and now we are married and there might even be babies if we are lucky!

I know loads of people who met and ha children very quickly and you do have time . Different if you were 40 now but you can meet and marry and have kids in 1/2/3 years and you will still only be 36/37.. I know it's a cliche but have you tried dating / matching sites? They do seem to really work .

Happy Birthday. I met my DH at 33 and then had babies at 35 and 38. It can happen any time.

Goldenaxe at your age I still had two, longish-term, commitment-phobic men ahead of me - i left the second one at 39 when I realised nothing would ever change. I found it very difficult to meet men - I work from home and most of my friends were married. Plus I was not prepared to compromise.

I made myself confront the prospect of never having children and make my peace with it, then I internet dated like mad. I met DH 6 months later just before I turned 40, baby at 42, wedding at 45. You have to feel positive about your life and not to waste any time on men who you know are not really what you want - so you're available when someone better comes along.

OP happy birthday but Yabu. If you invite people to discuss your single/childless status and show unhappiness with it then of course you invite people to make suggestions they think will be helpful.
You do sound defeatist and that you have already decided it isn't going to happen when you could have 10 years of childbearing ahead of you.

Perhaps instead of worrying so much about other peoples advice you should work on being a bit more open to life's experiences.

Whatever your circumstances, there will always be a recurring comment that crops up. People really have a very limited range of responses to life's dramas.

In my case, from finding out we had fertility issues, my husband and I had looked into adoption quite seriously. We didn't adopt for two major reasons; we hadn't come to terms with not having our own biological children yet (something which every adoption agency will tell you is an important grieving process) and since we weren't expecting to be handed an (imaginary) 'easy' baby, but to adopt a two/three year old with some trauma we just weren't sure we had the skills/support network needed at this stage in our lives.

Choosing to adopt is a massive decision and a very personal one, so I just can not understand why anyone would suggest it to someone else as a miracle solution. Seriously, what response are people expecting 'gosh, I never thought of that, thanks for solving all my problems with your one sentence?' Most normal adults, especially those who are worried about whether they will have children or not, are aware of adoption so if they are still worrying about their fertility and not talking about the process of adoption then there is a REASON and suggesting adoption to them like you're the first person to come up with the idea does risk seeming patronising, offensive and a bit silly.

I think that people who casually suggest fostering or adoption are in no way aware of what is actually required to do these things, even in terms of hard economics. For instance, I believe there is always the requirement that an adopting parent takes a minimum of six months off work, preferably longer, and has a plan in place in case the child's needs mean that the parent is not able to return to work fulltime. I imagine that's difficult enough to juggle when there are two adopting parents. And are they suggesting she gives up her current career to become a fosterer, because they're under the impression that fostering can be fitted in around other commitments?

That is leaving aside altogether the level of commitment, patience and therapeutic parenting possibly necessary in adopting a child who may have suffered trauma and have considerable additional needs.

But, OP, as someone who conceived first go at 39 (though I had had the man in place for a long time previously), I say there is every possibility you can still have a biological child, if that is what you want. Best of luck.

You wouldn't be able to foster in my LA - there's a requirement that at least one parent is at home when the child is. So you could work school hours if you fostered school-age children, but that would be it. I don't know if that's the sort of rebuttal that would help in what must be an annoying situation?

I suspect that people say it purely because they cannot think of anything else to suggest - you seem to be resigned to your situation, and perhaps that makes people feel uncomfortable as it's hard to know whether to jolly you along with ways that child free living can be a treat, or encourage you to plug away at dating in the hopes of finding Mr right. Either way, I hope things work out for you, and try not to be too hard on people who are putting their feet in their mouth as it sounds as though they are well-intentioned at least...

33 - you are a slip of a girl!

I met my DP when I was 35, I had DD when I was 38 and I am now 47 and we live very happily with DSS1 (18) - when he is not away at university - DSS2 (16) and DD (9).

Sorry but there is a massive difference between wanting your own family and wanting to foster. I can't see how fostering would fill that gap.

Fostering takes an incredibly special type of person and skill set to do properly. My parents fostered so I got see first hand the differences between regular parenting and fostering. Not many people are capable of it, when the chips are down.

Foster kids come with so many different high level needs, even if you are just looking after a child whose Mum is in hospital for a few days. You are a total stranger to them and a representative of a system gives kids NO true voice. It's not the same as looking after a sibling's kid even, where you have some mutual history etc. That's the "simplest" type of foster, some children have been to hell and back when they arrive alienated and scared on your doorstep.

It's just so ignorant to assume that any ol body can foster willy nilly. In my belief it takes a true vocational desire that has nothing to do with having your own biological kids. Certainly my parents felt incredibly passionate about the particular demographic they chose to foster, and acquired a skill set rare in the general parental population to be successful at it. Adoption is often a similar story too, as even young babies may come with an attachment disorder, depending on their previous circumstances.