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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an fitness widow!

55 replies

Balancinglife · 07/04/2014 20:36

Sitting here alone feeling fed up while my partner is out doing his fitness thing on a Mon evening, Wednesday evening, Thurs evening. Saturday Morning and Sunday afternoon!

He works 32 hours a week, I work 46 and he has asked me to go but tbh I'm too knackered!
And the housework does not get done by waving a magic wand...

OP posts:
Joules68 · 07/04/2014 20:38

Well you don't have to go to every single exercise session. Isn't it good that he wants to include you?

Lilaclily · 07/04/2014 20:40

It does sound a lot
How long does he go for ?
Tbh it must be nice to put your feet up & be in charge of the remote in peace?

Original poster
Balancinglife · 07/04/2014 20:44

Remote is good :-) but Monday and Wed 9:30pm,
Thur 7pm.... not forgetting weekends!

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 07/04/2014 23:17

Is this a new thing or has he always been a gym bunny?

I've just joined a gym & go 2-3 times a week, which I suspect is getting up my DH's nose a bit as I don't usually go out much at all. The thing is, I feel it's now or never & I've got a hell of a lot of work to do - could it be a similar thing?

Could he go before or straight from work so you still get most of the evening together?

Crazy8 · 07/04/2014 23:27

I'm not attempting to hijack at all but I'm a dog widow. Dog is great but DH is out EVERY evening for around an hour walking the dog. Dog gets three good walks and I know it's necessary just wanted to vent really.

DomesticSlobbess · 08/04/2014 00:28

DP goes to gym about three times a week, sometimes four if he's eaten a bit of junk. I, on the other hand, am allergic to exercise and love stuffing my face. I see his absense as an opportunity to watch crap TV.

Suzannewithaplan · 08/04/2014 01:32

just make sure you dont do any house work when he's there...make sure you have at least as much 'me' time as he does

Legologgo · 08/04/2014 01:55

To be honest though wrt gym, what's an hour? Plus what else would you be doing? Watching soaps ?

BadlyShavedYeti · 08/04/2014 09:09

I go to the gym 5 times a week, including weekends. I dont think it gets on DP's wick. I am tying to lose weight so it is important that i go. It is only an hour a time at the very most and I get home and do all the housework anyway.

Actually I dont really care if it bothers him or not, this is my thing and I enjoy going.

MsVestibule · 08/04/2014 09:24

But it's not just an hour though, is it? There's normally travel time, plus a shower - it can easily take up to two hours, which is a significant chunk out of the evening, four or five times a week.

OP, how much time do you spend together?

Guineapig99 · 08/04/2014 09:27

I'd join in if I were you, if not the same thing then something similar around the same times, at least once or twice a week. Might actually give you more energy

Original poster
Balancinglife · 08/04/2014 09:38

Ms Vestibule yes the problem is its not for an hour, he goes straight after work then getting home at 9:30pm. Mon, Wed. Then at weekend Sat & Sundays its 3 hours at a time :-/ Thurs 2 hours. And soon it will be full days away at weekends at events.

I took on another freelance contract and more working hours on the basis he helps out at home more...

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/04/2014 09:38

What is wrong with grown adults who can't bear to spend time alone? Hmm. Are you so needy that you can't bear your DH to go out with you?

Imagine if this was the other way round 'my DH doesn't like me to go to the gym a few nights a week' - everyone would be frothing Grin.

Do people really sit on the sofa with their DH every evening (not judging by the traffic on mumsnet Grin) - I've been married 25 years and I think separate hobbies/interests are essential !!

capsium · 08/04/2014 09:45

If you get an apple TV (not too expensive) there are some pretty tough workouts for men he could do from Youtube using that, or get him a set of weights or training machine.

This way he can workout at home and it would cut traveling time. Wink

capsium · 08/04/2014 09:48

Or if you are skint, a skipping rope. Challenge him to do some skipping. Supposed to be very good for fitness...

strongandlong · 08/04/2014 09:53

It sounds as though the problem isn't that the OP can't bear to be alone, but that she doesn't want to pick up all the domestic slack on top of working loads of hours. That doesn't seem unreasonable!

Have you tried discussing this with him OP? Do you get equivalent down time? Do you have DCs?

GrumpyInYorkshire · 08/04/2014 09:58

I go to the gym six days a week. I juggle that around full time work and 18-month-old DS.

DH goes to the gym four or five times a week, plus running club once.

To me, it's a lifeline. It keeps us fit, well and relatively sane. We get time to ourselves and chance to relax for an hour and a half or so before getting back to housework, the bloody Night Garden or whatever else is going on.

It wouldn't occur to me to be pissed off that we weren't together all that time - tbh the idea of just lounging around together watching tv feels weird. We'd both rather be active.

GrumpyInYorkshire · 08/04/2014 09:59

Oh yeah, and then there's the races every weekend - good job DS likes watching us run!

glasgowsteven · 08/04/2014 10:07

Just go with him and try it,

you may enjoy it,

maybe he is trying subtly to persuade you to be more active and healthy....

Legologgo · 08/04/2014 10:13

anyone who spends three hours at the gym needs some PT to show how to use their time more effectively. Or buy that Michael Mosely book

My H does a water based sport which reaches a crescendo at this time of year,
I love that he has an interest and it de stresses him. The kids see him doing something active and as they are older it has little impact on family life

PlumProf · 08/04/2014 10:18

It's great your DP is taking care of himself, but, if he works only 32 hours a week, I guess he finishes work by, what, 5? So why is he not home until 9.30?? Say a 1 hour workout and a 15 minute shower. Add on his commuting time. Where does that get you to? And why 3 hours at the weekend?

I agree that the gym can be a lifeline (I have found it that) but it does not need to take so long if there are responsibilities unfulfilled at home.

I don't think the OP wants every waking hour with her DP. Her problem is that he is not pulling his weight around the house as he is never there resulting in her working more hours at the office and then spending more hours on housework. That will soon build resentment. He is also not valuing time with her and it makes you wonder if the relationship will last.

Maybe, instead of one of the weekend sessions, your DP can just go for a run from home and so get it all over (including shower) within 80 minutes max. Add in trying to be a bit quicker during the week (what IS he doing for 4.5 hours after work - sorry, but I don't believe that is just a work out and I am not normally cynical. I do know of cases where the gym has been cover for an affair. NOT saying that here, but the times are excessive and perhaps he is sitting with his feet up at the gym for an hour or so after finishing, whilst the OP cleans the house).

Time for a talk.

Barbaralovesroger · 08/04/2014 10:19

I think you should go with him even if its just for a couple of nights a week. You really do need to do some excersise. It's really important for your health, flexibility etc as you age.

I excersise four or five times a week but its mostly an hour to an hour and a half each time. Partner doesn't complain as it keeps me sane and helps with sleep.

Is he weight lifting? I have images of a very beefy boyfriend with no neck. If its extreme muscle building/weight lifting, I'd hate it!! 4 very very long 4hour sessions plus one shorter 2hour session is a bit too much weekly, almost obsessive. Can you ask him to swap one of his weekend sessions for a local run so you can go out for the day together?

Barbaralovesroger · 08/04/2014 10:22

Also about his share of the cleaning, can you sit down together and organise a rota. Make a list if every job that needs doing and make sure it's fair.

Lastly can you go to college and study one night a week? Usually ends 9ish. Also take up an interest of your own at home and also have a night out with friends.

sixlive · 08/04/2014 10:29

Pay for a cleaner. You probably think he prefers doing exercise than being with you. I really envy those that manage to fit in the exercise and maintain family life and a good relationship with your partner.

glasgowsteven · 08/04/2014 10:36

agree with the above -

45 minutes on the gym floor, max, then maybe 20 minutes to shower and leave.

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