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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do about rude teenage neighbour?

87 replies

MrsDrRanj · 07/04/2014 18:13

Ugh :(

Family next door have a few children, including one son I have seen around, not very good at guessing ages but I'd say around 15-17. Apparently he has a reputation for being quite naughty.

I've had the day from hell. Killer toothache, family problems and a 2 year old DS in an awful mood.

Earlier he was having a tantrum in his room. I was doing my best to calm him but to be honest he just wanted to scream. I then heard a lot of banging on the wall. I ignored (I was starting to cry a bit) but then I heard the teenage son shout (out the window I think) 'can you calm your baby you bitch'

I was MIGHTILY pissed off but nobody was there apart from a girl who I assume is his sister at a different window. I asked if it was her and she said no, she was clearly quite nervous about talking to me so I'm pretty sure it definitely wasn't her.

My question is what do I do now? I'm really pissed off and being spoken to (or shouted at) like that, but didn't want to go round there angrily as I'm pretty sure he's still a child and I'd also have had to take DS with me. What would you do?

I'm friends with a Neighbour down the road who knows him vaguely and he said he'd have a word but I don't know if that's what I want.

I've had an awful day and need someone to tell me what to do :(

My first thought was to talk to his parents, but to be honest if he has a reputation as naughty it makes me think they won't do much.

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 08/04/2014 09:35

I'd want to know the boy better before inviting him round to play!

notnowImreading · 08/04/2014 09:38

That's fair enough. It was just a suggestion for a way out of the situation that could turn it into a positive rather than escalating conflict. I usually like teenagers, that's all.

Dinosaursareextinct · 08/04/2014 09:39

I don't think a boy of around 17 is "naughty". That's a word better suited to young children. He may be technically a child, but there's still no reason why you can't talk to him one to one, rather than going through his parents.
How you react will probably depend on whether the family are a difficult one that might react badly and are best left alone, or are more civilised.
I doubt the police will be interested in a teenager calling you a "bitch". You're expected to deal with that kind of thing on your own, surely.

FranSanDisco · 08/04/2014 09:39

Notnow, you're assuming he is doing nothing important on his side of the wall. When I was finishing my dissertation 3 years ago I'd have been pissed off with the screaming as I needed SILENCE to think. I am a mother of two and was studying child development but at that moment in time I would not have been understanding. I wouldn'thave called you a bitch out the window but maybe in my head .

Braganza · 08/04/2014 09:47

I don't understand why some many posters are keen to offer up excuses for a teenager shouting that his neighbour is a bitch. I'm sorry, but stressed or not, there is no way he should believe that that language is acceptable. If misogyny goes unchallenged, it becomes the norm. Had he shouted 'shut your baby up' that might be excusable in the heat of the moment, but a teenager ought to have more respect, or at least know that he can't shout 'bitch' with impunity.

diddl · 08/04/2014 09:47

"you're assuming he is doing nothing important on his side of the wall."

Does it matter if he wasn't doing anything important?

Having to listen to a screaming child is horrible for anyone.

notnowImreading · 08/04/2014 09:50

I'm honestly not - if he's revising, it matters. However, half an hour to help someone out is a reasonable thing to ask of a teen, especially as it would most likely make him feel good and might actually get the baby to shut up.

Obviously, it's the OP's baby and her instincts are the ones that matter - it would be no good anyway if she were terrified that the boy would break the baby.

Asking things of people makes them feel valued. Stopping a baby crying would make anyone proud and happy. I think raising your/our expectations is a good thing and often leads to surprising good results. Talking directly to teens is a good thing and often leads to surprisingly good results.

diddl · 08/04/2014 09:50

OP, are you sure he said "bitch"?

"Can you calm your baby you bitch" just seems odd.

NotNewButNameChanged · 08/04/2014 09:55

diddl there is a lot of speculation and possibility about the whole scenario, which is why some of us are suggesting letting this incident go UNLESS there is a definite recurrence

notnowImreading · 08/04/2014 09:57

I expect he did. The OP said it was quite clear. It's a horrible word and must have been rough to hear, especially when at the end of your tether. I'm not in the camp that thinks it's alright/acceptable to speak to people that way. It's much harder to speak to someone that way when you know them and can see their distress - easy to rant in an almost impersonal way, as if thinking aloud, when they're not visible or even really known to you.

FranSanDisco · 08/04/2014 10:03

I would, all things considered, go round to see him. I would explain the problem with ds's tantrums and acknowledge how annoying it must be. I would say I was doing all I could and was very upset to hear what he said. Ask him what he was doing. If that meets a dead end and a mouthful of abuse then post back that he is in fact a rude teenager. I would guess his sister has informed the parents anyway.

Famzilla · 08/04/2014 10:16

To be honest, he was perfectly within his rights to behave the way he did until he called you a bitch.

If he has banged on the walls a few times already this can't be the first time your child has disrupted him and even I would get fed up with hearing someone else's screaming kid. I know these things can't be helped but do you really expect a child to understand what it's like to parent a toddler?

My brother is on the spectrum and has a real issue with noises, he's a 6"4 tank who can hold down a good job and relationship but will start bawling his eyes out if the neighbours are playing their music too loud. Everyone gossips that he is a troublemaker too, because they're ignorant shits.

Original poster

MrsDrRanj · 08/04/2014 10:22

Yes, my child has screamed before! I don't expect a teenager to understand but I also don't feel it's acceptable behaviour. 'Within his rights' maybe but still rude, unnecessary and unproductive. What am I meant to do? I have a toddler. They cry sometimes!!! My flats tiny there's nowhere I can take him where he won't be disturbing anybody.

I don't dispute the fact that it's annoying, but if his behaviour is ok then that must mean I'm at fault and I still don't know what else I'm meant to do?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 08/04/2014 10:25

'Maybe toothache has made me unreasonable as I'm amazed at how many people seem to think its acceptable!'

No one has said that it's acceptable, just that it's understandable. There is a difference. Somewhat like having a dog barking continuously when you are trying to concentrate.

Famzilla · 08/04/2014 10:33

It doesn't mean you're at fault, life isn't as black & white as that!

He's a child, he doesn't understand how toddlers behave. You holding your hands up and going "well this is what they do and I can't stop it, so everyone should just poke up with it" isn't really on either. Why don't you go round there, apologise and explain to him? Seems to me like he's been trying to tell you it bothers him for a while, you have ignored him and now he has lost his temper. (Teenagers do that just as well as toddlers you know!).

All this "I've heard he's a troublemaker" shit is just that really, shit. You better hope that you have better neighbours in 13 years time.

Dinosaursareextinct · 08/04/2014 10:51

It's probably time to go round and discuss the problem. So that each of you can get a better idea of where the other is coming from.

ChampagneTastes · 08/04/2014 11:57

This thread is bizarre. Of course there is no way the boy's behaviour can be justified. The OP should definitely go round to speak to the parents (why on earth would a note be a preferable approach?). I understand that a crying baby can be annoying but that really is not an acceptable way to tackle the problem.

TruffleOil · 08/04/2014 12:02

This thread is bizarre.

Yes. It is.

whatever5 · 08/04/2014 13:36

I would find out his age before deciding what to do. It was obviously very rude of him to call you a bitch but talking to his parents probably won't achieve anything if he 17 or 18 apart from winding him up further.

YNK · 08/04/2014 13:54

Do you want to improve relations with the neighbours, or do you want to express your displeasure?

cwtchontoast · 08/04/2014 18:36

Hmm,
To the poster who thinks exams are 'nothing';
Try saying that to all the post-grad students who still struggle to earn a living or get a job at all.

Op, the neighbour wbu to call you a bitch but if my child was screaming like that and it was obviously bothering other people I'd at least try taking him into a different room.

Sorry to hear you're in pain though. Toothache sucks.

BackforGood · 08/04/2014 18:53

What MammaTJ said on P2
I also think NotNow has a good idea, in going round with your ds and letting the 2 boys get to know each other is probably an excellent plan.
He'd probably be mortified you heard what was just a 'bravado' comment.
No, I wouldn't expect 16yr olds to "understand" a two yr old tantrumming - why would they ?

pinkhalf · 08/04/2014 20:35

I am amazed at the excuses for bad language here. I know, we can all swear...but swearing at someone is just not on, whatever your age. These are words that can get you into a fight if you aren't careful. At 15, you should know better. At this you are just learning to put yourself into the adult world and not having the wits to know swearing at neighbours is a bad idea is poor. Swearing at people is wrong. I accept that teenagers talk all sorts of rubbish amongst themselves but they keep to themselves because they know better.

TruffleOil · 08/04/2014 20:40

Most teenagers I know who can be terrible (which is pretty normal) contain it to parental interactions and are fairly meek around other adults.

cricketpitch · 08/04/2014 20:50

Ignore - unless it happens again.

Take you toddler out for a walk in the park or somewhere where one person won't have to listen to hours of it. It isn't fair on others.

Of course he shouldn't have used the word he did. Of course it isn't acceptable but nor is it acceptable to subject neighbours to hours of screaming. He had banged on the wall. You know he can hear you. You know he can hear the screaming but you didn't remove the baby.

When I had DD in a small flat I always took her out for walk, (or drive when I had a car) whatever the time if she screamed for long. It calmed her and me and was so much fairer on neighbours who had to get to work.

Now my DD studying for exams on which her future depends. I hope my neighbours are reasonable about noise etc.

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