To be irritated by 'best boy', favouritism?

[Imdefinitelynotunreasonable]

I probably am but please don't flame me.

There's a little boy in ds class, also happens to be one of ds' best mates. They're all 5/6.

Part of the reason I'm irritated is because ds has got it into his head that this boy is not only 'the best', but 'better' than him, and also the boss of him (his words). I have tried my best to quash this by explaining that nobody is better and praising ds for his good qualities.

This boy seems to have starring role in everything, he is mentioned almost weekly in the newsletter for some award, prize or another. I've actually seen teachers fussing over him as he leaves for the day, ruffling his hair saying how cute he is and one teacher said she'd like to eat him up. Another example literally chasing him down the path as he comes out loaded with his things and fussing over him, several other children came out loaded up and dropping things and were ignored.

This boy is always the one in assembly giving teachers leaving presents and things like that.

On report week several of the parents compared reports at a party (not me), and this boys was over and above the rest, everyone else's child got a paragraph he got a page about how wonderful he and his family are, there was a paragraph just about his parents. He also scored above average in areas where other children scored average, even though many were all on the same reading level.

The mother is queen bee alpha type.

I think it only bothers me so much because it feels as though ds is one of child geniuses minions. I've witnessed and heard several things such as this boy kicking mud over ds trousers but he never seems to be reprimanded where other children would be, which reinforces the good/bad.

Do I need to get over myself?

How are parents who complain about another child getting preferential treatment over their own "nasty and jealous"?

I find it hard to believe tbh. Not in a 'you're lying' way - just find it incomprehensible that teachers could be THAT blatant

Is there a chance it'll get better in September with a new teacher?!

Well that's not what you said. You said it was nearly always the golden girl who got sent. Nearly always isn't always, and even if she was always sent perhaps that's because she is the best one? My DDs are both dyspraxic, they are routinely humiliated in PE lessons etc but nobody thinks that is an issue, however some parents have complained because DD2 has been sent on every G&T day possible this year, but there's a reason for that. She's the top of the year by a margin. What, exactly, are the teachers supposed to do - send a child who is less able on a L6 or L7 maths or English course when the child is barely L5? It's the same with music. DD2 will no longer play in the school orchestra because she heard a very nasty mother of another child complaining about her doing a solo in a school concert. She is grade 4 on that particular instrument, the nasty mother's child hasn't even taken grade 1 yet. She didn't volunteer to do the solo and actually didn't want to do it because she knew some people would be vile. And they were.

I agree that the report comments - IF TRUE- are nutty but who knows what is written on another child's report? I certainly don't.

As far as helping a child laden down with bags and stuff - that always happened to my DDs when they were in the infants, because of their dyspraxia. In addition they were sometimes carrying stuff you wouldn't want them to drop (instruments). Perhaps that was the case this time - either the little boy as issues which people are unaware of, or maybe he was carrying something breakable and the teacher knew.

So its ok for you to label a child as a nasty little bitch neon but you consider it nasty to say the OPs post reeks of jealousy/insecurity or what not when she has posted on a talk forum and asked for opinions

IMextensiveE, the 'top child' academically is usually the victim of bullying, not the perpetrator. Especially at primary school. It's the top child at sport who is the golden one. And woe betide you if you do something extracurricular like chess, dance, drama or music because that is often perceived as elitist. There are some people who delight in the idea of a child who is better at something than their child (even if their child doesn't DO that thing) 'being taken down a peg'. It's nasty and it's cruel and there is a lot of that on this thread (not particularly coming from the OP who has been fairly reasonable).

It is possible regarding the following him to help that there was something I wasn't aware of of course, only going by how it looked.

I am absolutely telling the truth about the reports, why on earth would I say it on here, what have I to gain.

There was a party after school on report day and 4 or 5 parents including this boys were discussing what theirs said and got them out and were passing them round, the boys mother showed me and was saying how lovely the teacher was, a couple of mums were miffed because of the reading level thing, their child had been scored down while being on the same reading level as the boy and the mum was saying it was contradictory to what the teacher had said at parents evening.

The best girl at my school could be very nasty and unpleasant. She had so much power over the teachers and knew it, and other kids had to try and and keep in with her in order to keep "in" with the teachers. Many a time I and my friends were on the receiving end of this behaviour. Not a pleasant character trait and in anyone, adult or child and maybe "bitch" was a harsh turn of phrase but it's true, she was a piece of work.

I'm just bemused that anyone would think the OP is nasty or "jealous" for thinking that their son is being treated unfairly?

And there is something quite warped about a gang of teachers so entranced by the charisma of a four year old that they shamelessly treat him as some sort of demigod within the classroom, in fill view of the lesser other 29 children.
I'd find this just as disturbing if my child was the chosen one.

To howcontrarymary

Herc - you're getting very personal about your G and T children. It costs the school money to send children on those courses, and IMO that money should not be spent primarily on one child. In our case Goldengirl was bright, but there were a number of others who also excelled in their particular areas, yet Goldengirl was always chosen (others occasionally got sent too, but to a far lesser extent). That is a misuse of school funds, in my view.

State primaries tend to see their role as giving opportunities to all pupils. I obviously wouldn't expect them to send a non G and T child on a G and T course. But typically I would expect them to give playing opportunities to all children who play an instrument, not always just pick the best player. I think it's different at independent schools, which are readier to promote their best players rather than encouraging the weaker ones.

That sounds really odd, OP. I don't think you sound jealous at all either.

Not where we live, it doesn't. The parents have to pay the full cost, unless you are on FSM. But even where the school does pay, of course the money should be spent on the children the courses are intended for. They don't get an appropriate education in school, G&T days are a sop to that and a compensation for all the rest of the term when they sit twiddling their thumbs and acting as unpaid TAs. The whole rest of the school experience is about focussing on the mmid range and the strugglers, the G&T days are the only thing aimed at the most able.

Incidentally you are the one who raised the topic of G&T days, and you are the one who complained because one child goes on the majority of them. I suspect the reason she goes on the majority of them is because she is the one who most deserves to go on the majority of them. It's not a misuse of school funds, it is spending the funds put aside for G&T in exactly the way they should be spent.

How lovely to have the school pay, though. Our primary does nothing like that. :(

Herc - we agree, obviously, that G and T children should be the ones who are sent on G and T courses. But should all the money be used on one child, because she is 1) bright, and 2) the teacher's favourite, rather than spread more or less evenly between the 2 or 3 equally G and T children in any one year group?
FWIT the mother of Goldengirl was not a fan of the school, found it really embarrassing that her daughter was singled out by the teachers all the time, and eventually withdrew her.
I think that if you send your children to state primary you have to accept that on the whole they are not singled out for special treatment. My older DC is very talented in one area, but this went virtually unnoticed by her state primary, and she received no special attention for it. To get "recognition" for her talent she had to obtain a scholarship to private school. She now gets lots of opportunities to use her talent in school, but also does a lot out of school in specialist groups, which is the best place for children who are very good in particular areas.

It's just favouritism. My eldest endured the same and it was awful to watch.

Another one here who doesn't think that the OP is jealous.

Sounds to me like she is listening to her DS when he is telling her he feels inferior to the other little boy - ds has got it into his head that this boy is not only 'the best', but 'better' than him, and also the boss of him (his words). Him saying that probably didn't come as a bolt out of the blue because of what she has been witnessing, and now she is worried about her child's self - esteem. What is jealous about that? My own personal experience is I didn't have much confidence until well into secondary school mainly due the experiences I had in primary school where I felt my opinions and contributions didn't matter.

Also if I had been in a class where it was acceptable for some children to behave in an unkind, disruptive or destructive way but for others to be reprimanded for doing the same then I would be feeling rather confused about it, picked upon and angry that there was blatant favouritism going on. - I've witnessed and heard several things such as this boy kicking mud over ds trousers but he never seems to be reprimanded where other children would be, which reinforces the good/bad.

I do sort of see the point OP but you are close to being rather unpleasant about the child. It's not his fault. Also it'll be about the school loving the parents rather than him. There's always one like this I think. If be quite glad my child wasn't the favourite as it can create problems with other children in the class.

Ive always thought that there was one of those in every class? Every brownie pack etc. Can you bring it up with the teacher somehow?

Are they a very financially well off family?

At the primary school my eldest DC went to there was a "best family" that got treated like this. Not sure why, the wealth was the only reason I could think of. It was a very up its own arse superficial school.

i think you juyst have to ignore it as best you can and continue to praise your child, from my experience the other kids soon work out these sort of kids arnt worth bothering about.

If there is any unpleasant undertone it is only because of the boy telling ds he is the boss and gets to choose the game, because of the kicking mud up ds trousers, and I would feel the same way about any child who was being unkind.

I am really interested in the psychology behind all the 'best person' stuff, because there is usually a best person in every group, whether it's a group of friends, school class, group of colleagues, NCT group, etc. The 'best person' normally has most people convinced that they are better than everyone else, and everyone looks up to them and fawns over them.

Yes we have a 'best boy' at work too, only he's not, he's allowed to come in late, take long lunches, gets a special chair next to the manager at meetings, gets away with work that he thinks is beneath him.

It's usually when people put somebody on a pedestal imo often not a true reflection of who they are.

It's hard to remember these kids are only 5 and 6 years old.

I had to go back and check because reading some of these replies, you'd think they were in senior school...

It is interesting, Gianna, but it's difficult to make sense of what's happening in the OP's situation. It doesn't sound as if the boy is charismatic in himself? Even if he is, aren't teachers trained to rise above that, and not have favourites? Why is it so common for teachers to treat one child more favourably than the rest, and so obviously? It seems very unprofessional.
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable in being perplexed by this.

Someone once complained that my Dd2 was being treated like this, what they didn't realise was that my DH was dying and they were trying to help her get through the day. It isn't always as simple as a child being favourite.