To be irritated by 'best boy', favouritism?

[Imdefinitelynotunreasonable]

I probably am but please don't flame me.

There's a little boy in ds class, also happens to be one of ds' best mates. They're all 5/6.

Part of the reason I'm irritated is because ds has got it into his head that this boy is not only 'the best', but 'better' than him, and also the boss of him (his words). I have tried my best to quash this by explaining that nobody is better and praising ds for his good qualities.

This boy seems to have starring role in everything, he is mentioned almost weekly in the newsletter for some award, prize or another. I've actually seen teachers fussing over him as he leaves for the day, ruffling his hair saying how cute he is and one teacher said she'd like to eat him up. Another example literally chasing him down the path as he comes out loaded with his things and fussing over him, several other children came out loaded up and dropping things and were ignored.

This boy is always the one in assembly giving teachers leaving presents and things like that.

On report week several of the parents compared reports at a party (not me), and this boys was over and above the rest, everyone else's child got a paragraph he got a page about how wonderful he and his family are, there was a paragraph just about his parents. He also scored above average in areas where other children scored average, even though many were all on the same reading level.

The mother is queen bee alpha type.

I think it only bothers me so much because it feels as though ds is one of child geniuses minions. I've witnessed and heard several things such as this boy kicking mud over ds trousers but he never seems to be reprimanded where other children would be, which reinforces the good/bad.

Do I need to get over myself?

Perhaps he just is the cleverest boy, and the most helpful.

Both my DD's have been treated as 'top girl' (in academic terms and regarding music - certainly not sport, they are both dyspraxic) in their time(s) at primary school. Not their fault. What are/were they supposed to do - pretend to be less academic than they are/were? Pretend they don't do music to a high (for primary school) standard? Some of the other mothers were vile though. Truly vile. DD1 was delighted when she went to GS and was 'ordinary'. It was a dream come true for her. DD2 is in Y6 and desperate for September to come so that she will be ordinary and unremarkable too.

This is actually a really nasty thread. :(

There was a golden girl in my DD's class in primary. She was, in fact, a lovely girl, v bright, hardworking and popular. But it's still unprofessional of teachers to have such an obvious favourite, and parents did resent it.
The OP's situation is odder - I find the mention of the parents in the school report very strange. There must be some background to this, eg parents friends of the head, or child having had a serious illness (or maybe has one now)? Maybe a few parents could get together and write a joint letter to the Head about the situation? It doesn't sound healthy in the long term. The male teacher thing also puts the school in a bad light, and a is bad example for the children. I would worry about what gender stereotypes the children are being taught.

You sound very jealous and competitive yourself! Maybe that little boy is all of those things his teacher said?
Stop targeting a little boy.

I agrfee Herc, I think it's a nasty thread too. Some parents can't seem to cope with the idea that their DC isn't the "golden child" and snark about the ones they perceive to be treated that way. I doubt there would be many threads saying "AIBU...my DC is being praised to the hilt by the school and get picked for everything, he has loads of friends who all want to be around him all the time..oh dear, wring hands, it's AWFUL isn't it?" Do you?

State primaries have limited resources, including the time that can be spent by a teacher, and having favourites misuses these resources. It also sends out a message to other children that however hard they try it is Golden Child who really matters to the school/teacher.
For instance in my DC's class those on the gifted and talented list were eligible to be sent on special g and t days out of school. It was nearly always Golden Girl who was chosen. One mum complained to me that at parents' evening, rather than talking to her about her DC, the teacher raved on and on about Golden Girl's achievements. And so on. It's unprofessional, and demoralising to other children and parents.

Oh for goodness sake. The school is doing some odd things that may impact negatively on children and OP wants to discuss it. We are not talking about kids being justly rewarded for academic success, or about other parents being nasty to such kids (as OP has explained she is never unpleasant to golden boy as she recognises he's just a child and none of this is his doing).

Also, it's normal to discuss things about your school you are unhappy with / concerned about so you can decide how you feel about it. Blanche are you seriously suggesting that the second anyone has a concern about their school they should immediately jump ship or else shut up and never question anything. The whole school system would be like piccadilly circus with everyone leaving every 5 minutes.

it sounds really bloody annoying OP! no idea what to do byt it would piss me RIGHT OFF

It would be a lot more productive to take it up with the school than moan about it on here though, wouldn't it?

Regarding the school in general, ds is doing well there, he is acheiving as he should be, his teachers have had lots of good things to say about him.

That's the bottom line for me. If ds is happy and doing well what's to worry about? If your ds is forming the belief that he has to do what this boy tells him, just gently counter it at home by reminding him that this is not the case.

There are two issues.
One is the odd best boy thing which you can't do anything about and raising it would potentially get you labelled as jealous or whatever. It is strange imo but plainly it does happen. Dd has one in her class and the parents are alpha parents too. That's up to them and it's quite comical if you detach.
The second is your ds's friendship. All you can do is bolster his assertiveness and confidence. Friendships do change a lot at this age and hopefully it will resolve itself. With dd it was almost as if she didn't understand that she could opt out of games with her best friend and find others to play with.

It doesn't sound like a great school from what you've said.

However if your child is saying things like x is the boss of him and x gets to choose all of the games, that's nothing to do with this boy and everything to do with your child's confidence/outlook and that's something you need to keep on top of whether this boy was at the school or not.

Perhaps you're just venting here (I know you said you're nice to the boy) but your language has a very sarcastic undertone towards him

Remember it's not his fault.

It really bug me when people jump on an OP and bandy about accusations of jealousy when what is being talked about is favouritism. Not success, but unfair, excluding favouritism, in an environment where children are supposed to be being taught about inclusivity and equality.

"You're just jealous" is such a lame way of trying to shut someone up, and there's no evidence here for it whatsoever.

He's doing well in his own right but his confidence is being affected because as one if this boys best mates, ds is in his shadow all the time.

I'm sure that the boy is good in class, doing well, but when he's won best Easter hat, best picture, homework of the week, getting an award every other week, gold award every term, giving teachers leaving present in assembly, presenting the year 6 leavers present, on the school counsel, well other children start to feel that there's no point in trying because they never get picked anyway.

I don't particularly feel that I can bring this up with the school as it's very specific about another child, I don't particularly want to change schools because aside from this ds is doing well, to me it's irritating but not a big enough reason to completely disrupt ds.

I'm not really sure what to do for the best, probably nothing and hope it wears off. So I am having a general moans, certainly not slating the child though, nowhere have I slated the child.

Read the OP again LadyRadishes, it reeks of jealousy.

Some people are just charismatic though and it cant be helped. It's nothing they do or say, they just are. Ds has a friend like that, he really is a lovely boy, young man now, he's 18. He sailed through primary as Mr Popular with pupils, teachers and parents alike. He was a child model. He played football for the borough, district and county. He effortlessly passed his 11+ with no snobbishness. He settled into tops set of grammar school with the same ease he managed primary school. He never gets into trouble, he is part of the in crowd, he never makes anyone feel like an outsider.

He is just one of lifes golden people who manages to enrich the life of those around him.

Some people are like that. It's a true gift to possess when people genuinely like you.

FWIW Mum and Dad aren't 'alpha' - shes a nail technician and he's an electrician. Not your average grammar parents at all. They too are lovely and pretty people!

I don't think this is a nasty thread at all. There shouldn't be a golden child, and any teachers who blatantly have favourites and make it known are unprofessional and shouldn't be working with children.

Maybe the little boy in the OP is the cleverest and most or helpful? Or maybe his parents are just the biggest arse lickers? ;)

There was a golden girl in my DD's primary school. Just like someone mentioned above, she was the youngest of 3 children who had all gone through the school. She was picked for everything, whether it was academic things, drama, sport or music. When there was a musical evening the children were allowed to do solos if they wished. She did three solos. The worst thing was that all the children began to accept that this girl was different, and better and they were a bit scared of her. She was very overconfident and quite nasty, and bullied the others but the teachers didn't see that side of her.

The other children stopped trying for parts in plays etc. because they said that X would get it, and she would. I didn't want my DD to be golden girl at all, I wanted to see each child get a chance to do things, not the same one all the time. Her father was a school governor so that probably had a lot to do with it.

I just thought it was terrible that the children were treated so unequally.

It's unprofessional for teachers to have obvious favourites. It's disturbing to hear that it happens.

Yup, DD has a friend exactly like the one you describe HowContrary. Children and their parents have to accept that school and future environments like college, Uni, work and elsewhere there will be people who are more charismatic and better liked than they are, it's part of life. Might as well catch on at the age of 5/6 than discover it when you're much older.

Imdefinitely

I also agree that it sends a really bad message when a male teacher is seen as the ultimate "enforcer". That happened at my school for a long time. Respect for other teachers was undermined

Dinosaurs Well, obviously it's the G&T kids who get sent on the G&T days. Do you know why that is? It's because most of the time they are bored rigid at school because they are forced to work at a slower pace than is appropriate for them so that the stragglers can keep up, get a valid educational experience and not feel crap about themselves. And yet, nasty jealous parents of the kids who are not on the G&T register often complain when the G&T kids get something for themselves, for once. There have been complaints about the L6 reading group at DD2's primary, so much so that they have now let some L5 kids into the group, they can't keep up and they are dragging the others down. It's not right. But the victorious mothers think it's great.

Agree blanchedeveraux there is a pecking order to life, a natural hierarchy and people need to learn it early on. Charisma is something you are born with, you can't grow it or learn it, it just is an indefinable quality some people have. They are the ones who generally do very nicely in life.

My "'best girl" wasn't the most charismatic, she wasn't the most clever and she certainly wasn't the nicest child, in fact she could be a nasty little bitch when she wanted to be. She was popular with the teachers simply because her parents had their heads so far up the head teachers backside they rarely came out for air, that and the fact that our teachers were unprofessional.

I can't believe that people are calling the OP nasty. I think it's bloody nasty to be a teacher and make a child feel like shit by blatantly favouring another.

Herc, well obviously what I meant was that Goldengirl got sent on all the G and T courses, while other children on the G and T list didn't get sent on any.

I might be being unreasonable to let it bother me but I am certainly not jealous.

I wouldn't swap my own ds for the world, to me he's fantastic but I'm very realistic about who he is and my expectations of him. He's not top of the class academically but he's doing well and is where he should be at if not slightly above. He can be terrible at listening and following instructions at home although they say great at school and one of his nicest qualities is that he's very, very kind. Teachers say this and I see it too.

Imo there are far cleverer, more charismatic, funny, sporty children than both my ds and the other boy. So it's not about me wanting ds to be top dog. I was always best girl in primary school and it's not a pressure I'd want on ds. But I'd like to see all the children get more of a look in.

I will continue to work on ds confidence although he's very laid back and not competitive, as I am not competitive in the slightest. But this boy tells ds he's the boss and ds attitude is that he doesn't mind because he likes the boy and after all the boy is the best. The teacher said it after all and at this age the teachers word is God.