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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To see if my DD can live with ex?

63 replies

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 08:15

My DD is almost eight. We split when she was a baby and it was assumed by all (me included) that as Mum I would be the main parent. There has never been a court order and we have always managed contact time amicably. She used to go EOW and one night in the week but over the years it has built up to almost 50/50 (week one:2 out of 7 with me, week 2: 6 out of 7 with me)
Ex re married a couple of years ago and although she doesn't have any children of her own, she is brilliant with my DD.

He is a fun dad, DD loves him very much, he won't ever remember a school form, or dinner money, and his pack lunches are awful... but she's happy there. Or that's the impression I get at least. He also has quite a large, local family who she is close to.

She and I have a relationship like a rollercoaster... we are either kissy kissy love yoooou, or screaming at each other. I am not a natural mother. She says she knows I love her and I tell her all the time but she seems so sad. She tells me she feels sad all the time. This moning she woke up with a huge smile on her face and said she was happy - I was over joyed because it's been so long but within 2 minutes she felt sick, couldn;t eat her breakfast, didn't want to be touched etc. She is always feeling sick or has a headache and is so irritated by me most of the time that she won't let me finish a sentence.

This weekend I have been utterly miserable and I don't think she's felt any better.

Year after year, parenting to me feels like an ever increasing life sentence. It makes me feel sick to write that but it is the honest truth.

I love her very much and seeing her so miserable breaks my heart. All I want is for her to be happy but I can't give her that.

I don't even know if he would have her. I imagine he might say that he can't manage it around work etc. But I just feel like "when did I ever get the chance to say no?"

I think I'd propose having her EOW (Fri-Monday morning), then a Weds night.

We both work full time and always have, in case that makes a difference.

The ONLY thing that is stopping me for doing this is that on top of how I think I've already f**ked her up somehow, would her mother effectively giving up and sending her away be the last straw? I feel such a responsibility.

I sound like a witch. I know. But I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 07/04/2014 08:20

I think she's most likely picking up that you have conflicted feelings, your relationship sounds difficult. I think this is making her anxious and I don't think that would improve if she didn't live with you, it might just be delayed sorting it out.

Would you consider family therapy?

Greythorne · 07/04/2014 08:20

Have you considered therapy or counselling together?

Greythorne · 07/04/2014 08:20

Xpost with Laurie

Tessdurbevilliespoon · 07/04/2014 08:28

You don't sound like a witch at all. You sound as if you could do with some support, which we all need from time to time. Have you thought of contacting your GP? It sounds as though you are feeling depressed and it is manifesting in making your criticise your parenting, you don't need to commit to anything straight away, but just discussing potential options (therapy, CBT, AD's etc.) could really help you see things more clearly and reassure you that you won't always feel like this. If the GP feels to intense right now, could you not contact your local children's centre, they will have groups and activities you and your daughter could go to to allow you to have fun together and you'll meet other parents, and I'm sure you'll see they've all felt how you feel at some point.

The first thing you should do is try to relax and be kind to yourself and have a

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 08:33

We went once but it was £50 for the hour and they wanted me to go twice a week. It's just not possible sadly. The counsellor said she was very sad but saw nothing that was too worrying.

I had counselling myself when she was about three because I was struggling with our relationship and the counsellor said I had unresolved issues from when my sister was born and I felt a responsibility for her - apparently my resentment towards my sister has passed over to my DD and I feel trapped by parenthood. That makes sense and reflects exactly how I feel but what good does it do to know? Just makes me feel worse as it's not my DD's fault. Her Dad is just a big dummy emotionally and has no apparent unresolved issues from his childhood. He's one of those cuddly fools, prefect 2.4 family upbringing, parents had money, mum stayed at home, he and his brother were close.

OP posts:

HowContraryMary · 07/04/2014 08:34

What would your daughter choose?

It takes a special kind of person to not just pay lip service to a childs needs but actually place them about their own wants. If she is really going to be happier there, then why not?

But the 50/50 thing? You'd still be seeing her 50% of the time yes? So what really changes?

This resonated with me: week one:2 out of 7 with me, week 2: 6 out of 7 with me because it's not stable, it's like living out of a suitcase, never quite knowing what's what. Standard regular days IMHO would be better

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 08:35

Thanks Tess. I appreciate it.

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 07/04/2014 08:36

That seems a bit extreme. Could your GP arrange some family therapy for you?

slugseatlettuce · 07/04/2014 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 08:40

Our GP is awful, I'd have to go private. I might speak to my Mum and see if she'll help me out with the cost.

OP posts:

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 08:48

HowContraryMary sorry I didn't explain very well, they are set days, they've been the same for a few years now. I don't know what she'd say if she could choose... I don't want to give her the responsibility of choosing at that age to be honest. I feel like her dad and I should be able to decide what is best for her. I genuinely think she'd be happier away from me - the happiest she was all weekend is when her Dad and stepmum called her on Facetime. I heard her giggling and realised I hadn't heard that for so long

But although short term she'd be happier - how does a child understand that Mummy sent them away? I worry about ho wit would affect her long term.

Reading your posts is such a help. I thought everyone would tell me I'm a bitch and if I don't want to have her then do her a favour and send her to dad.

The depression comments do sound plausible. I did have PND which was never treated. I don't think I've ever got over it.

OP posts:

angelfire · 07/04/2014 08:55

I think it may be the most selfless thing you could do if you think it is best for her to live with dad if that is possible and what she wants.
Why don't you suggest it to dad and see what he thinks and take it from there? If it would work you could tell her together?

(And it's not you sending her away - you would be putting her and her interests first - before your own)

Good luck x

WTFlike · 07/04/2014 09:04

I know someone who did it. The child is grown now and has a very close relationship with her mum (and dad).

You don't have to say you're "giving her up", she might need to stay at dad's more because your work hours change or something?

I think I'd start with getting a different GP though.

NoodleOodle · 07/04/2014 09:11

You wouldn't be giving her up, he's her father.

Ragwort · 07/04/2014 09:17

I think you are being very honest and yes, it would be worth discussing this with your ex and to see what the best solution is for your DD. So much of society assumes that it is always the mother's role to bring up the children when families split and this is not always the best option. I know that if DH and I split he would be (is) a far better parent to our DS than I am.

A friend of mine left her DH (very acrimonious) & insisted on taking the children with her (made contact difficult etc etc), now they are old enough to choose they have both gone to live with their dad & his new wife and are much happier. I am not saying that this is like your position but my friend can't see where she went wrong, and the truth is too hurtful for me to point out.

slugseatlettuce · 07/04/2014 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NynaevesSister · 07/04/2014 09:25

PND doesn't necessarily go away. It could still be affecting you a decade later. Everything you write screams PND. Take things in steps.

Get a new GP
Go to the PND forum here - I am assuming there is one - and tell your story. There will be people who have been where you are.
Tell new GP how you are really feeling and that you want help for PND
Either push on getting the help or go to whatever is prescribed.

I know there are two 1s. I think you should do both right now.

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 09:26

I think had it been him who had her from the start it wouldn't feel like giving her her up - it's because I'd have to actively change the status quo and I feel like she would feel she'd been naughty and sent away

I'll have a big, long think. I would hate to do it and then years later realise if I'd had help I could have been the mother she needs. But equally, I don;t want to spend months navel gazing if the best thing for her is to be with Dad.

She does have her moments there - but he seems to be able to handle it less emotionally, which of course is better for her. Another thing to throw in the mix is that they are trying for a baby...

OP posts:

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 09:28

NynaevesSister I feel daft saying I have PND with an eight year old. But I know you are right.

She's just come in and told me I'm the best mummy she could ever want and that she loves me Why do I always feel like she's saying it because she wants to believe it?

OP posts:

sebsmummy1 · 07/04/2014 09:35

This moning she woke up with a huge smile on her face and said she was happy - I was over joyed because it's been so long but within 2 minutes she felt sick, couldn;t eat her breakfast, didn't want to be touched etc. She is always feeling sick or has a headache and is so irritated by me most of the time that she won't let me finish a sentence

This stuck out from your post.

Have you asked your ex whether she complains of feeling sick and headachy when she is with him? I assume you have investigated these symptoms thoroughly with your daughters GP? I would hate for you to assume she is unhappy at home and with your care when actually she has a health condition that is making her feel ill and thus miserable.

possiblyprecious · 07/04/2014 09:54

As long as she still gets to see you as often as she wants, and knows that you love her, I reckon she will be just fine.

I think the fact that you are asking these questions means that you are a great mum even if you don't feel like one.

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 10:12

sebsmummy We have been a few times. They have always said it's just a virus. She never seems to have any symptoms other than complaining. I personally think it's anxiety... but I don't know what over.

OP posts:

PooroldJumbo · 07/04/2014 10:12

My first thought is that as your daughter is already used to splitting her time between you and her father you may be able to subtly adjust the days in favour of her spending more time there without your daughter really noticing. You are not considering a dramatic change to your daughter's life and I don't think that she would feel as though you had given her up.

Original poster

fedup1979 · 07/04/2014 10:12

Thanks all, I really appreciate the kind words x

OP posts:

blahblahblah2014 · 07/04/2014 10:24

I'd be weary goign to the GP with this kind of situation - They would have to alert SS of any depression etc and you could be making a rod for your own back IYSWIM - I think the issue is that you find it hard to believe your DD loves you as much as she does. Maybe have 1 night a week where you and DD do something special or new together, to bond a firmer friendship and have real quality time together. Every mum in the land has been told by the DC that they hate them, don't love them etc unfortunately. But take this all with a pinch of salt, as the rollercoaster will soon change direction - good luck

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