To see if my DD can live with ex?

[fedup1979]

My DD is almost eight. We split when she was a baby and it was assumed by all (me included) that as Mum I would be the main parent. There has never been a court order and we have always managed contact time amicably. She used to go EOW and one night in the week but over the years it has built up to almost 50/50 (week one:2 out of 7 with me, week 2: 6 out of 7 with me)
Ex re married a couple of years ago and although she doesn't have any children of her own, she is brilliant with my DD.

He is a fun dad, DD loves him very much, he won't ever remember a school form, or dinner money, and his pack lunches are awful... but she's happy there. Or that's the impression I get at least. He also has quite a large, local family who she is close to.

She and I have a relationship like a rollercoaster... we are either kissy kissy love yoooou, or screaming at each other. I am not a natural mother. She says she knows I love her and I tell her all the time but she seems so sad. She tells me she feels sad all the time. This moning she woke up with a huge smile on her face and said she was happy - I was over joyed because it's been so long but within 2 minutes she felt sick, couldn;t eat her breakfast, didn't want to be touched etc. She is always feeling sick or has a headache and is so irritated by me most of the time that she won't let me finish a sentence.

This weekend I have been utterly miserable and I don't think she's felt any better.

Year after year, parenting to me feels like an ever increasing life sentence. It makes me feel sick to write that but it is the honest truth.

I love her very much and seeing her so miserable breaks my heart. All I want is for her to be happy but I can't give her that.

I don't even know if he would have her. I imagine he might say that he can't manage it around work etc. But I just feel like "when did I ever get the chance to say no?"

I think I'd propose having her EOW (Fri-Monday morning), then a Weds night.

We both work full time and always have, in case that makes a difference.

The ONLY thing that is stopping me for doing this is that on top of how I think I've already f**ked her up somehow, would her mother effectively giving up and sending her away be the last straw? I feel such a responsibility.

I sound like a witch. I know. But I'm at the end of my tether.

Eh? My GP has never notified SS of my depression.

OP, you sound lovely. If I were you I would speak to DDs dad. I don't think she would think any less of you and it need not be forever.

blahblah GPs do NOT automatically have to "alert SS of any depression", and this is dangerous advice to be giving! Lots and lots of mums (and dads) experience PND or general depression, and SS are not normally involved - only where there is reason to believe the children are somehow at risk, which is not usually the case. Far better to get help if it's needed than trying to "soldier on" because of people spreading scare stories.

FFS blahblah what fucking terrible advise. Of course GP's dont notify SS of depression. Unless there is a clear case of a child being endangered to do so would be a breach of client patient confidentiality.

Jesus what an irresponsible thing to post on a thread were there may be many lurkers struggling with depression post natal and otherwise.

I've seen you post some shit before but this really takes the

SS will definitely not be notified by the GP based on depression diagnosis alone. Ye Gods.

Does the counsellor you went to see offer a sliding fee scale. Many do and you may be able to negotiate. If you are depressed, perhaps now would not be the time to make a decision relating to your daughter's living arrangements.

Do try and get counselling for yourself and see if you can work through the issues that are complicating your relationship with DD and making you depressed. If you can get on to an even keel you may feel totally differently about sending her to live with her dad. You do sound so down on yourself and I think you are a much better mum than you currently allow yourself to acknowledge. This does sound like depression.

They do, it goes on your record and this is shared with SS. If you are suffering from true depression or require medication this is noted too. Whether they act on this or get in contact is another matter, but it is true - They share this information so SS can look into whether or not your requrie additional support and asess the risk to the child in your care.

the GP will have a duty of care to report your depression but if there is no risk to your children then his first duty of care is to you. In most circumstances a GP would only inform social services if he thought you incapable to making decisions about the safety of your children.

I was in hospital with depression/suicidal impulses and SS weren't involved! As long as it seems clear to most that you deeply care about/love them, aren't neglecting them and their needs are being met, then most people don't hear from them at all. They have much bigger fish to fry and so many parents get depressed/PND that to see every single one would be ridiculous.

Hope you can sort it out op

Absolute fucking bollocks, blahblahblah2014 - and dangerous to boot. GPs absolutely do not inform SS of every single mother and father who receive a diagnosis of depression.

OP, if your daughter wants to live with her dad, you certainly would not be "giving her up" to arrange that. It sounds like you have a great relationship with him & his wife, so you should be able to come up with a solution that works for everyone. I do think it's worth exploring any underlying cause behind your emotional issues regarding your dd anyway though.

^ no one contacted SS in my case. Not even to have it 'noted' etc

I was in hospital twice within a month too.

I was told if you resist treatment they may become involved though (and have seent this happen to another person who decided they 'weren't that ill') so if anything it's generally better to reach out for help if you're struggling.

(they mostly weren't bothered in my case because it was me who reached out and voluntarily admitted myself).

They would have to alert SS of any depression - jesus, social workers would never find time to set foot outside the door and GP's time to see patients would be severely cut if this happened routinely.

And even if it were to happen as standard, its god awful advice telling someone who might benefit for treatment to avoid going to their GP

Sorry to hear that theorchardkeeper glad you are back on top of things now =)

It's rare to be hospitalised and not be contacted IMO

Wasn't trying to scare people off accessing things they need, just making a point that I was very disappointed that my sister who may or be not have been suffering from PND after her 4th baby was contacted by SS after she mentioned to her GP how down she has been feeling. No other concerns about the kids at all, very good home etc - She felt betrayed and didn't go back to the GP's again. She had SS "on her back" for ages afterwards and they said that as she was marked as being mildly depressed by the GP they wanted to do a home visit! To say she was embarassed (mortified infact) would be an understatment

Please OP get some therapy, I read you said "We went once but it was 50 for the hour and they wanted me to go twice a week. "

NO!!! I see someone fortnightly for 45, go vis BACP website, draft a very simple email and send to 8-10 local people. Their initial response will speak volumes. If you PM me I will draft you one!

I really empathise, AND this can be fixed (if you want to try) but you are in a rut and deserve help, you sound depressed to be honest OP

xxxxx

And OP - I don;t see why a child living with one parent slightly more than the other as "giving them up"? Did you phrase it this way when your ex had her EOW and one night a week?

No idea if it would address the problem but it might at least give you both breathing space to rediscover what you like about each other (as opposed to what you love and hate about each other)

Just to add that she had zero contact with them before this so was not known to them at all.

blahblah thats a load of bullshit

how many people get depression? lets say 30% of the population see theur GP
what percentage are parents, oooh lets say 60%

you really think GP report them all too SS???????????????????????

do the ,math and dont scare the OP FFS

Thanks. I think that's down to a shit GP tbh as most won't.

I told my GP I'd waited longer than I should have to see him as I was scared of exactly that and he just laughed and said of course we don't report things like that, you'd be in trouble if you got worse and were refusing treatment. The same thing was repeated to me in hospital by different proffessionals. Many were annoyed at how bad people can get before seeking help as the horror stories about SS put them off!

Her GP may have had specific concerns OTT concerns IYSWIM
It doesn't always got the way it should and some people, including GPs etc can get it very wrong unfortunately

blahblah I dont know what the circumstances of your sisters involvement with SS is but I am absoloulty positive that GPs DO NOT routinely report depression in parents and SS DO NOT routinely investigate it unless there are indicators that the children are in danger.
Either way spreading scare stories like this to vulnerable people may make them less likely to seek help. Can you not see that? Actively advising them not to get help is breathtakingly irrresponsible on your part.

I suspect your sister isn't telling you the whole truth about what she said to her GP blahblah if the SS visit was as a result of what she said to the GP - it must have been pretty bad.

They said that as she "wasn't coping" with the new addition and had contacted SS so they could inform her of what services were avaialble etc

The OP just nees to work out a different timeshare with EXH, not something a GP etc will really help with

No I went with her and know exactly what was said, she was a bit weepy but didn't say that much tbh - Maybe the smaller the town the bigger the issue, she was in a very small viillage at the time?

Please don't let blah bla h s absolute tripe derail this thread. It's been really helpful and supportive of the op and that's really important.

O p, follow advice of the sensible posters and change g p, see about more therapy and reach out to family and friends who love you.

Sorry blah, didn't mean to be harsh, but you are giving dangerous advice.

Thanks all - weirdly, DD was just sick! So maybe she was actually ill

I've never heard of SS being called so I am not put off by the advice from blahblah. I hope no one who is lurking is either, I wonder if your sister had other issues that she wasn't entirely honest about, Blahblah? or there was some background that GP was aware of.

fromparistoberlin I will look on that website - what should the letter contain?

kewcumber It's only that it will be changing the way things have been that I feel she will see it as me giving her up. When we split, she was too little to understand the contact routine then it crept up slowly to 50/50 so I have never thought that of her dad. She's used to being with me just over half the week so to drop that down (particularly following the arguments we've been having) makes me worry she will feel she has been bad and I've sent her away.

Maybe it's just society that makes me worry. There is a child in her class who lives with her dad and her Mum has her EOW and everyone is always saying how awful and sad it is - even though Dad is brilliant and there is a stepmum and half sibling too. They are very close and mum is only doing what thousands of Dad's do.

Seeing DD be sick though made me wonder if I could be apart from her for so long so regularly I really do love her. I just want her to be happy.

I think you are suffering from a big lack of confidence. I find it very telling that you think your dd's complaining of physical symptoms is something about your relationship. Some children seem to have phases where they seem to get bugs all the time. It's hard when they are in them - you feel like "my child is never happy!" - but you can't stop them getting bugs and viruses and it doesn't mean they don't like you.

I really identify with this. I really struggle to understand how my dds can think I am so great. But they do. I am their mother and they love me. They even think I am beautiful, which is seriously deluded. I bet your dd thinks all this of you.

For your sake, maybe talk to your ex about switching the balance. It sounds like you almost have 50/50 now. You could move closer to that, or switch to him having a bit more time than you, and get more "time off", without having to make a big dramatic announcement that "you live with your dad now". You can talk to your ex about it - say you need more time to yourself and to work on your own health - but not frame it to your dd in such terms.

Does your dd do any activities? If not, would she like to? If she enrolls in something that is nearer her dad's house, this would be a practical reason for the balance to shift slightly.

It is obvious you love your dd, and don't want to stop being her mum. if you and her dad lived together you could just informally appeal for more support. maybe you just need to do that - just tell him you need to step up a bit and take more on in looking after dd