To see if my DD can live with ex?

[fedup1979]

My DD is almost eight. We split when she was a baby and it was assumed by all (me included) that as Mum I would be the main parent. There has never been a court order and we have always managed contact time amicably. She used to go EOW and one night in the week but over the years it has built up to almost 50/50 (week one:2 out of 7 with me, week 2: 6 out of 7 with me)
Ex re married a couple of years ago and although she doesn't have any children of her own, she is brilliant with my DD.

He is a fun dad, DD loves him very much, he won't ever remember a school form, or dinner money, and his pack lunches are awful... but she's happy there. Or that's the impression I get at least. He also has quite a large, local family who she is close to.

She and I have a relationship like a rollercoaster... we are either kissy kissy love yoooou, or screaming at each other. I am not a natural mother. She says she knows I love her and I tell her all the time but she seems so sad. She tells me she feels sad all the time. This moning she woke up with a huge smile on her face and said she was happy - I was over joyed because it's been so long but within 2 minutes she felt sick, couldn;t eat her breakfast, didn't want to be touched etc. She is always feeling sick or has a headache and is so irritated by me most of the time that she won't let me finish a sentence.

This weekend I have been utterly miserable and I don't think she's felt any better.

Year after year, parenting to me feels like an ever increasing life sentence. It makes me feel sick to write that but it is the honest truth.

I love her very much and seeing her so miserable breaks my heart. All I want is for her to be happy but I can't give her that.

I don't even know if he would have her. I imagine he might say that he can't manage it around work etc. But I just feel like "when did I ever get the chance to say no?"

I think I'd propose having her EOW (Fri-Monday morning), then a Weds night.

We both work full time and always have, in case that makes a difference.

The ONLY thing that is stopping me for doing this is that on top of how I think I've already f**ked her up somehow, would her mother effectively giving up and sending her away be the last straw? I feel such a responsibility.

I sound like a witch. I know. But I'm at the end of my tether.

"Seeing DD be sick though made me wonder if I could be apart from her for so long so regularly sad I really do love her. I just want her to be happy."

this sums up so much about the anguish of parenting!

Hiya, keep it high level but detailed.

I am based in XX postcode, I would ideally like to see a therapist on a weekly/fortnightly basis, the best hours for me are XXXX

Hi-level I am looking for some help with parenting and depression. I love my daughter but right now I am struggling to be the mother I want to be, and I think its affecting her. I am single, and have suffered PND. Isthis is kind of thing you can help with?

here: www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

A good therapist will pick up on this, and alot can be judged by how they email you back xxxxx

Fedup, I agree with the advice above re a counsellor but also - can you have a break? Take a few days off work, DD go to her dad and go and stay somewhere nice or with a friend.

It might help.

Thanks, I will definitely give it a try with the letters.

A break is out of the question sadly x

good luck

Its telling that your DD really IS ill

a wiseperson once said to me, fake it till you make it. I am not saying you LIE but can you try and act like the Mummy you want to be??? sometimes after a trired and stressful workday, this is what I do

I feel like I've been doing that for the past eight years. My DH always says that I do everything "perfectly". When DD was very small I used to watch Supernanny and try to be what DH would call "the perfect modern parent". You know, boundaries, specific praise, lots of affection and verbalising feelings etc.

It's tiring after nearly a decade when none of it comes naturally.

God fedup1979, I really feel for you. I also admire your honesty big time. Parenthood can be difficult for those of us who are not born naturals, and I relate to your comments about feeling trapped and struggling with the responsibility of it all.
I am guessing that your daughter feels ill at home due to the anxiety borne of the insecure attachment she has with you. I sometimes wonder if my 12 year old daughter is the same with me, as her moods can change like the wind! Do you get much in the way of quality time together? Daughter and I had a meal out recently and it was a brilliant evening. It felt so great and natural just to have a laugh with her, without worrying that I'm doing everything wrong, like I can sometimes feel at home. I went on a wee evening course recently on improving children's confidence, and the psychologists running it said that the most important thing you can do for your child is to play with them for 10 minutes each day. It should be imaginative, with dolls or role play or whatever, and it gives your child the message that they are worthy of your time. I left feeling quite reassured, as even I can manage 10 mins a day of playing. Sometimes I set the cooker timer for the end, as I don't always enjoy playing!
The other thing is that your relationship may get better with age, especially when you can share films together, go shopping, or laugh at the same things. It may well get easier. Certainly my relationship with my own mother was best in my teens. I'm guessing that she really didn't enjoy having young kids and felt rather depressed ... she also has a fear of people depending on her too heavily, which probably didn't help!
You know what, most folks just blunder through life/parenthood without giving it half as much thought as you do. It takes a brave person to recognise that something's not quite right, and want to do something about it.
Gawd, I don't think my reply has been helpful and it's a bit of a waffle. Just wanted to say that I understand what you're going through and wish you all the best.

the love you have for your daughter is very apparent in your opening post. it brings tears to my eyes. i'm sorry things are hard for you both and i hope they improve.

When my parents split up, my brothers and I stayed in the marital home with DM. We saw DF 1 day every weekend and 1 eve in the week.
After a year or so, DF moved back in and DM moved out. At the time we were told that he was sad he didn't get to see us as much, so as DM had had us for a year, it was now DF's turn. We then saw DM 1 day every weekend and 1 eve in the week.

I found out 2 years ago that DM was suffering with depression and couldn't cope with us, and I only found out because I too suffered with depression and she was brave enough to tell me her experiences.

I can assure you that we didn't feel neglected, or pushed away by DM.

Talk to her dad, and find out how she is when she's there and what she says about being with you. See what he thinks (if you trust him, that is, and if your relationship is amicable of course).

fedup my DD went to live fulltime with her Dad when she was 14. We'd got into the most godawful place, and our relationship was awful beyond belief. I have no idea how it got that bad. I felt guilty Every Single Day.

Fastforward 3 years and our relationship was a lot better. Then her Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she returned to live with me, my DH and her sister. I was fucking terrified. I had NO idea how we would live together again, with the added emotional trauma of her dad being so ill.

She's now 18, we've been living back together for about 16 months (her Dad died last May) and she's letting me be her Mum again. Our relationship is better beyond anything I'd ever dared to dream off. Her and her sister have a really close relationship. She really likes my DH and tells me what a great bloke he is. I look at her regularly and am just over-whelmed by how wonderful our relationship is. I truly believe that we wouldn't be where we are now if she hadn't gone to live with her Dad.

As PPs have said, your love for your daughter is clear. I sincerely hope that in a few years, you'll feel as I do now.

Is your dd physically Ill at all? That would be my first concern as you have mentioned headaches, lack of appetite etc. I would def be going to your gp to rule this out.
There's nothing wrong with her living at her dads. But I think I would be exploring other options first. Could the school help out? They might be able to refer you to the school nurse who can tell you about parenting courses which you might find useful.
Could you be depressed yourself? Would antidepressants help?