AIBU to have said nothing about this incident. Not world shattering just well, rude.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

At a new school. Haven't made many if any friends. But on nodding status with a few folk who have kids in my dd's year.
Dropped DD to school other morning. went for a coffee in Starbucks sat down. Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back. Some others arrive, start pulling chairs and tables together, took the one beside me. At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel.

I sat for about another half an hour, joining in the pretending that nothing was happening before leaving with as much dignity as I could find eventually bursting into tears in the car park.

Should I have leaned over and said something or would I have achieved absolutely nothing. I am still bewildered by my own behavior and theirs

[DeWe]

If I were in a cafe on my own, it'd be to enjoy a quiet coffee, & I'd dread some well-meaning soul who vaguely recognised me from school deciding I looked a bit lost & lonely, & making mumchat at me.

Exactly this:

If they asked me and I refused then I'd look rude.
Hence I wouldn't ask someone who just glanced up at me and smiled. If they greeted me with "hi, fancy seeing you here. Did you have a nice weekend/enjoy the school assembly/some other small talk?" I might say "do you want to join us?". But in the absence of any attempt at small talk I would base you on myself and assume you didn't want to be disturbed.

And if I arrived with you already there, and others of my group already there, I would assume that if it was appropriate to ask then it would already have been said.

I have also on a couple of occasions met with a small group when it would have been very difficult to invite someone not well known to the group in. Because someone in the group was going through difficult personal circumstances and we were there for support.

Also along with others, I find it really hard to place people out of context. I might see you, think "oh I know them," but not know where, and be embarrassed to ask.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

listen the whole set up was a social land mine. if I had to do it again, perhaps I would be more up front, or do nothing, or sit meself down at the table without an invite, or stand up and sing "I am what I am" or ask them individually how they are, or hide under the table in case they were embarrassed or just leave and look like a twat, or stay and look like a twattstuck behind my copy of War and Peace,or corner a few of them in head locks, or sob into my café latte before throwing myself under a truck with the horror of it.......
I simply thought they were rude.
there was no breastfeeding with lascivious wiping though, something I feel grateful for, they all seemed to be wearing knickers without any stray pubes and no ginger eyebrows. unless you take mine into account.

[IamaBreastfeedingTramp]

Do this

sing "I am what I am"

It would be Unreasonable not to.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

From reading your posts, it's their loss, op!

[lolaisafuckertoo]

Ahhh, MRSRUFF thank you. you are kind.

[Comeatmefam]

Ha ha you go Lonely Lady (

[SallyMcgally]

I'm with nannyogg and the OP on this one. You don't need to ask someone to join you if you don't want to, but a smile and hello costs nothing. I find the idea that it's acceptable to drop basic courtesies because we owe nothing to people we don't know very depressing. A tiny bit of kindness and civility can make a huge difference to someone - why choose not to give it?

[AlbertoFrog]

I dread the nursery run because of this. I don't want to be best friends with anyone but it costs nothing to smile or say hello. There are a few mums who are downright rude and have snubbed me on several occasions and if it's the wrong time of the month I get a little upset about it (okay, a lot).

Generally I just smile to myself. I really don't want that type of woman as a friend.

Actually that's a point, maybe they think I'm mad

Hugs to you OP

[Botanicbaby]

are all this group of mums part of the expat community OP?

the only reason I mention it (and this is not to excuse rudeness/bad manners) is because IME those groups are always so transient that no-one knows who else is on nodding/hello terms etc. So in the end, no-one takes the lead in inviting or including someone. They may have felt as you were there first that you were meeting someone else. Or that you wanted to be alone. Everyone can put on a front and it can be hard to break into expat groups for that reason. But people leave and then you become part of a particular group and once you've got some friends in that group, you don't feel like reaching out to others newbies. If that makes any sense at all?!

I'm not explaining it very well and I can see why you felt hurt but I don't think from the sounds of it that it was a deliberate intention to snub you. It could just be that they are not a very nice group of people so sod them anyway.

[BeaLola]

Im pretty shy and have been here. With my rational hat on I would say I dont care, that they are a clique and I dont do cliques etc preferring real genuine friendships but still would have felt hurt a bit. However in a braver moment for me as I left I would have beamed a sunny smile and a throwaway comment like "they do the best xxxx here, couldnt resist a quick pitstop after the school run" - would mean that they could place me, I wasnt being rude and I was friendly. If they are a clique makes no diference,if they didnt see you means they have now and if group contained at least one genuine Mum they may make more effort next time.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

Deakymom, that is one weird post. A bit paranoid, a lot bitchy.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

Another dad is going to tell this woman she is being disrespectful bu being flirty with your husband!!!

Sorry to hijack, but seriously, everyone....scroll up and read deaky's post. I've read some weird stuff on mumsnet, but that takes the biscuit!

[SirChenjin]

It wouldn't be a good AIBU if there wasn't at least one weird post that has everyone going WTF?!

[AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves]

Going off at a bit of a tangent, but I was struck by this bit of DeWe's post: I have also on a couple of occasions met with a small group when it would have been very difficult to invite someone not well known to the group in. Because someone in the group was going through difficult personal circumstances and we were there for support.

I am older than most of you, I suspect (52). When I had very young children there were hardly any places in our area where you could go out for coffee. If a group of women were going to meet up after dropping the children off at school or nursery, it would most likely be at someone's house or flat. If there were any question of supporting someone going through a difficult time, it would certainly have been done in private. Why would you want to go to a public place to have a conversation that sensitive? Maybe I have completely lost touch with what is acceptable. I loathe hearing phone conversations about highly personal stuff, but I assume the people making those calls either don't realise or don't care that everyone else can hear.

[Anniegoestotown]

I've been the new mom at the school gates and it is hard just trying to identify the parents of children in your dcs classes. I have had 2 lovely friendly experiences, the best being the moms in dd's secondary central London school and the worst being dcs school in Hertfordshire. In the latter no one would speak to me and I am one of those who will instigate conversations, just couldn't understand why I was continually getting blanked and had the feeling I was the butt of jokes and topic of conversations. It was not until a df joined the school, rest of the parents didn't realise she had any connection to me, that I found out that a whole untrue back story had been created about me.

[Gurnie]

Sorry that happened op! Yanbu at all. I apologise that I haven't rtft but I totally understand how you feel. I have found that while some people at the school gates (well I guess in life in general) can be really lovely there are alot of very unfriendly people who look through you. One of my absolute pet hates is people who speak to you enthusiastically one day and then ignore you the next. It is really upsetting I agree. I hope you find some decent, friendly folk soon.

[SirChenjin]

Bloody hell Annie - that's awful . I hope they apologised for their rudeness?

[DownstairsMixUp]

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all! If it was a mother who was a regular and had been at the school for ages, I'd still just say a polite hello and assume she was waiting for someone else. If I had noticed it was the new mum I would 100% have asked if she'd like to join us and said hello, I have done this before. Out of a huge group of women I'm sure one of them must of realised it was a new parent and they could of made an effort to say hi or whatever. Rude!

[ParanoidLucy]

I suspect they either didn't recognise you or you weren't giving out a 'I want to join in signal'. Or else your school like several others on MN occupy a different universe to mine as they are full of women behaving like school kids. What is it with these self pitying 'the other mums hate me ' threads. You are not at school, your child is. If you want to make friends then make an effort to join in. I find it difficult to believe a group of women conspired against you. Most parents will be strangers, some acquaintances and a few will be friends. Same as the rest of life.

[SirChenjin]

Self pitying? Hardly (and unnecessary actually, given that the OP is quite upset)

[lolaisafuckertoo]

PARANOID the basic issue was about good manners, common courtesy. I did not say anyone conspired. I at no time have use the word conspired. WHy is it that your name is PARANOID? The rest of life also includes good manners and bad manners. Making people feel shit because you cannot be arsed to say hello or acknolwledge someone else isBAD MANNERS not a conspiracy. Perhaps you might need some help with the gulf that lies between those two things. Given you have chose tto call yourself PARANOID
I as a person do not sit around digging up conspiracies, or thinking the world owes me something. I do feel aggrieved at people's lack or courtesy or maybe even human warmth.
PARANOID it might be the case that you have difficulty with empathy

[IceBeing]

lola this happened to me the other day (not to do with school but the same group + me by myself awkward social thing).

However the bunch I encountered weren't knobs...so one of them said 'Oh hi Ice, so sorry we are taking up the space...its a committee meeting or we would invite you to join us'

It was still awkward because I keep feeling like I shouldn't be listening in (which I wasn't doing on purpose but still...).

Anyway - thought your lot might have been doing the same thing...meeting to organise something hence not really acknowledging you. Or they could just be horrible...

[redskyatnight]

Did anyone in the group actually recognise you OP?

I spent 3 years frequently bumping into a woman I vaguely recognised from school. I would smile and nod and sometimes say hello and she would blank me. I decided she was rude and not to bother any more.

In the 3rd year, our DD's started nursery together and she asked me if I had any other children. She looked genuinely amazed to find out that our older DC were actually in the same class!

[knickernicker]

Did you just smile and make eye contact or did you say hi? They can't really be excused if you spoke and they didn't acknowledge it.

[SallyMcgally]

Self pitying? Hardly (and unnecessary actually, given that the OP is quite upset)
Agree with this. What an unpleasant tone to take to the OP. Completely unnecessary.