AIBU to have said nothing about this incident. Not world shattering just well, rude.

[lolaisafuckertoo]

At a new school. Haven't made many if any friends. But on nodding status with a few folk who have kids in my dd's year.
Dropped DD to school other morning. went for a coffee in Starbucks sat down. Opposite me is one of the other mums who turned her chair round offering me her back. Some others arrive, start pulling chairs and tables together, took the one beside me. At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel.

I sat for about another half an hour, joining in the pretending that nothing was happening before leaving with as much dignity as I could find eventually bursting into tears in the car park.

Should I have leaned over and said something or would I have achieved absolutely nothing. I am still bewildered by my own behavior and theirs

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Being new to a place, feeling on the outside and excluded (especially if you try to strike up some conversations and get knocked back) can make you feel like a layer or two of skin have been removed, IMO.

I have done the 'leaving all my friends and moving hundreds of miles' thing, and it was pretty isolating and depressing. I found friends through my hobbies - art, singing and yarn crafts, because my dses were all too old for me to be needed at the school gate, but if they'd been younger, I would have been hoping that that would be a good place to meet people and to start to make some friends. Being (or feeling I had been) rejected by a group that I'd be seeing daily for years would have really knocked my (near non-existent) self confidence, and would have really upset me.

That's why I can empathise with the OP.

[LaurieFairyCake]

If you were crying then surely it's because your feelings were hurt and you were ascribing some deliberate rudeness to them ?

That's the part that's irrational - that you would think they were being deliberately rude or excluding you.

It's most likely they weren't and were caught up in their own thinking.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Oh that's hard OP. Screw 'em. Are you there for long? You say you're in America and it's the ex-pat circle (did I read that right?)? Any way to get out of that bubble and meet the natives?

[ParkingFred]

It may have been rude if it was deliberate, but I suspect it was not.

Think about it from the group's perspective. All that sorting chairs/hello-ing. You might make eye contact with other customers, doesn't mean you recognise them.

I am one of those oblivious people. Chances are I wouldn't have noticed you or if I did, I have form for not remembering faces. You'd probably think me rude - I just have a crap memory for faces which has been an issue my whole life.

I think you need to forget about it. Saying something will make you look a bit odd.

[WorraLiberty]

And worra sitting and chatting to people who have welcomed you and asked you to join them is very different to going up to a big group of friends and asking to join in. Surely that's not difficult to understand?

No-one's saying she should have asked to join in. But doing little more than giving a nod and a smile, is unlikely to get her asked to join in, in this situation.

It seems to me that the women had already arranged to meet up, some of them saw OP and assumed she either wanted a quiet coffee or she was waiting for someone.

That doesn't make them cliquey/bitchy/alpha mums or any of the other odd descriptions on this thread.

I'm sorry the OP feels upset but I do think she's over reacting to a fairly normal situation.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I think getting out and finding like-minded people is the key. I joined an art class, and made some friends there - one told me about the choir she was in, and organised for me to audition; and another invited me to join the knitting group she and a friend were starting. Getting back into knitting made me get involved in the Woolly Hugs, and led me to meet up with some of the Glasgow woolly Huggers, and I've met some lovely people through that.

I now have plenty of friends and some very good friends, from these different groups, but I had to take those first steps. I was lucky that my first choice, of the art class, was such a friendly group, and the OP might have to try more than one group before she finds one that is welcoming and where she finds her like minded people - but it is worth the effort.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

At one point one of them is as close as a few inches....no eye contact, not a hello....nothing, just getting together as many chairs as poss creating a ring of steel.

Why didn't you say something?

Not berating you OP. You ask if you would have been unreasonable to have said something. I categorically think, Yes.
It would have been toe curling if you had have said something to be honest.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

I meant, why didn't you say 'hello'!

'A ring of steel'. That is the language of someone who is perhaps a little socially anxious.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Maybe the OP isn't usually this socially anxious, but as I said earlier, moving away from her old friends, to a new country, and being rejected when she did try to make overtures, has left her feeling more sensitive than usual.

And whether she is or isn't usually this socially anxious, I don't think a bit of empathy here would go amiss.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Other posts? Have you? Haven't looked. I don't look other posters up. I don't find posting here like blogging/journalism.... I don't follow past a thread! Really won't recognise you again if next to each other tbh...

Sincerely hope that not upsetting!

[Chottie]

I think some of these responses are really quite hard and unfeeling.

Lola, I stand by my post to you, these women were rude, unfeeling and very unfriendly.

I do not understand why they can't just smile and say hello, if they are expats, surely they were the new person joining the group at some time?

[BirdieWhirlie]

Lordy there are some sheltered and unsympathetic people on this thread, OP! I completely see your point.

First: are the other women also expats, or are they locals?

They were incredibly rude. At least a couple of them recognised you, and for a big group to get together with NONE of them even saying hello, and then blanking you - that's awful. I'm super confident and have also changed countries a few times, but that would have challenged me, too.

I'm quite sure you have form for making friends in new places. These women sound horrendous.

[SirChenjin]

Exactly SDT

Some of the posts on here have been a bit on the harsh side imo. Yes, I know it's AIBU blah blah, but honestly - precious? socially anxious? irrational? A bit much, given the circumstances and the fact that the OP is probably feeling a bit raw at the moment.

[formerbabe]

The op was alone and the others were in a group, so I think the onus is on the group to initiate contact. It is intimidating for one person to say hi to a group they don't know well.

I feel for you op, it takes lots of time to get 'in there' with the other mums! Or just don't bother, which is pretty much what I do except for pleasantries!

[BirdieWhirlie]

I hope you remember who was in the group, OP. One of the hard things about being an expat is identifying the arseholes early on. And they've just done the hard work for you!

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

OP, all my sympathies

Sounds horrible, and generally, it's so hard starting over in new places, it's utterly not fair that this move is harder than the others.

I think you've identified bitch clique woman numbero uno, by which I mean the first woman who blanked you rudely and with no excuse.

After that it gets blurry, as maybe some were rude, but maybe not. I was thinking about if I joined a group and saw someone sitting off to the side. I think I might assume that you'd already been asked to join and wanted some peace, and the later I joined the group the more likely it would be that I'd think that...

But anyway, that doesn't make your upset any less and I think it's unfair that some of the posts seem to suggest that.

Have some and with me instead!

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

So what birdie, if one of those women smile at the OP and ask her how she is getting on, the OP should give her the cold shoulder?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I can't speak for the OP, but I would certainly be wary at first, Enjoying.

[IamaBreastfeedingTramp]

On the face of it they sound like bitches. If there was a new parent at my kids school (or new colleague, new neighbour for that matter) I'd do my best to be polite and welcoming.

However I have a very bad memory for faces and its possible that I could have looked at you and not recognised you. Or just not seen you. All the subsequent women may simply have not seen you as they were looking for their friend.

If any of them did spot you, they could have assumed you were waiting for a friend.

So try not to be too upset (could be a misunderstanding) and don't write them off just yet.

I hope you find some nice people soon.

[ravenAK]

If I were in a cafe on my own, it'd be to enjoy a quiet coffee, & I'd dread some well-meaning soul who vaguely recognised me from school deciding I looked a bit lost & lonely, & making mumchat at me.

I'm not saying that this is how most people feel - I'm just an antisocial weirdo type with no small talk.

But certainly if I'd been your first, back-turning mum, I'd have to actively remind myself that it's generally considered good manners to nod & smile at the newbie, & not doing so is liable to be interpreted as 'unfriendly & rude' not 'leaving person enjoying quiet coffee in peace to enjoy it, which is what I'd prefer myself'.

Once back-turning mum was esconsed, I can easily envisage subsequent arrivals not even really noticing you sitting there, tbh, as they looked out for & joined their friends.

It's quite likely not intended to be bitchy or hurtful - just their not realising that you were expecting/hoping for them to acknowledge you?

[BumPotato]

From what you say in the OP, OP, I don't think they saw you. Haven't RTWT so maybe something happened otherwise. To have friends you have to be a friend, which means a bright "hello" and pulling you chair over to their table and joining in. ( don't do this if there are only 2 of them)

[SirChenjin]

You can't just barge your way in by pulling up a chair to their table - esp. not if one of the party has already turned her back. It would take a brass neck and a very bold personality to do that - I certainly couldn't - and the usual etiquette is to wait until you're invited.

[BumPotato]

My thoughts are that the First Lady simply didn't recognise OP.

[eddielizzard]

i would be hurt too.

some mums in my dd's class are like this and i've known them for 4 years! one lives on my street. they will still pretend i don't exist.

it's crap and it's rude. a simple acknowledgement would have gone a long way.

[deakymom]

rude as hell but its school moms and they are in a league of their own!

we have a few at my sons school so i give them nicknames one is mom of the year lovely lady who ripd her child away from the school smacking her as she goes the nursery (attached to the school) stepped in and she got a "visit" urban clueless she goes for chic ends up looking desperate for attention eyebrows who paints on ginger eyebrows halfway up her forehead her hair is blonde and you can see her original eyebrows under her pancake makeup! my favorite the knickerless whore she wears no knickers tight clothing her hair (down there) pokes through the front she also flirts with my husband she asks him where i am all the time but never actually speaks to me anymore watches him while she breastfeeds then removes the baby (who is still hungry) and wipes for ages giving everyone a flash while staring at my husband who is staring at me (he goes into hyper focus mode when she is around) a lot of people have started to notice her fixation especially when he came to collect me and my son from a party he waves at me she jumps up and down waving at him? people were looking at her like ? its a bit embarrassing but one of the other dads has said if she continues he will tell her husband its a bit disrespectful really

make friends away from school it will last longer xx